sister is using her new man

kit.kat

My younger sister has started to go out with a new a fella. They've been together a few weeks - about 4 or 5 weeks. She's 21 and he's 20. He's a lovely fella. But here's my problem, or more of my sisters problem.

She's already talking about babies and having babies with him. She told me having his baby would make her life complete. After seeing him for a month, she's talking about babies. I don't know if he's talking about babies with her but after a month i don't think any young man is thinking about having babies.

When she was 18 and just out of school, she had another fella. And she was only going out with him for a few weeks when she fell pregnant. He left her, he was just out of school himself. And she had a miscarriage. I was speaking to him a few months after she miscarried and he said that she told him she was on the pill. I know for a fact she wasn't on the pill.
I asked her why she lied and she told me she wanted a baby. Well i gave her such a bollixing for being so stupid.

A few months ago i saw a post of hers in a forum on another website asking peoples advice on having one night stands to get herself pregnant and have a baby. She's obsessed with babies and thats all she wants. And i believe shes's using this new fella of hers to have a baby.

I don't know should i keep out of this. I normally would keep out of other peoples relationships-after all its none of my business. But how can i keep out of this if she's planning on being so selfish just because she wants a baby. Surely thats not family planning if the only one planning her family is herself. Should i warn him or stay out of this and let her ruin his life? He's only 20 and in college and he wants to travel after college. And i really don't think he's thinking of having babies now. A college man that wants to travel doesn't sound like a man that wants babies yet.

Should i warn him or keep out of this? I really don't know what to do? I know it takes 2 to tango but she might have told him the same thing she told her last fella. She's on the pill. If i warn him anyway he might also be prepared with condoms.

MagicMarker

This may go against other peoples advice here but if i were you i would tell her bf to get the hell out of dodge!!!!

biko

kit.kat wrote: »

If i warn him anyway he might also be prepared with condoms.

Warn him. It wouldn't be fair on him to have a child this early if it can be helped. You could also have a talk with your sister about this baby fixation, it could be a sign of unresolved conflicts or a need to have a dependant.

MayMay

Tell him. I know she's your sister but could you stand by and let her ruin a young guy's life? Tell him.

Dord

You should tell him, if she does do that she could ruin two lives. The child and the boyfriend. Of course, maybe he wants a baby but he shouldn't be tricked into it.

echosound

Tell him and have a bloody good talk to her too. He needs to be warned to take charge of the protection if he doesn't want to end up a dad this time next year. Perhaps he wants a kid too, but I seriously doubt it.

I know a girl exactly like your sister, she purposely went off the pill as she wanted to have a baby by her then BF as she wanted a way to "keep" him and she was mad for a baby (told to me by herself no less), lo and behold, she got pregnant after only a few months of the relationship at 18 yrs old, and off he took as fast as he could, but of course he's now a father which means he's got responsibility for a child for the rest of his life, whether he's an active part of it's upbringing or not (he doesn't see the child but pays mainteanance) and any future kids he has will have a step brother, and the kid is being raised by a single mum who found out that babies were a lot of hard work and no social life, rather than being toys you can cuddle and put away when you're tired of them.

It's completely unfair of your sister to inflict this on a man (he's not to know if she's taking the pill or not, he can't stand over her and force her to swallow it and probably trusts her to take it) and she obviously has huge issues herself which need to be resolved - possibly pertaining to her previous miscarraige.

If she's resorting to thinking of one night stands to get pregnant, she is in serious need of councelling - never mind the possible repercussions of throwing herself at strangers for sex, her head is clearly messed up and I think as a family you should try to get her some help to resolve her issues.

SarahSassy

Its not really your place to tell him... I would however, the next time you are in their company, make a point of saying you hope that they are using contracetives and make a comment to him that your sis is dying to have kids and to be careful..... I dont think you should sit him down to have a chat with him as its compromising your sisters privacy.

Karl Hungus

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its not really your place to tell him...

Well who's place is it to tell him? Because I think he should be told.

Honestly, this girl sounds like she has some serious issues, could be putting herself at risk with her actions, and you're concerned about her "Privacy"?

SarahSassy

If you read my post, you will notice that I offered an alternative to having a sit down, serious chat with HIM. Surely if he has a brain in his head he will take responsibility for contraception until he knows he can trust his partner to take the pill.... If she has an obession with babies it will become evident to him too in time...

Her sisters issues are another matter and were adequately covered in previous posts.

Catari Jaguar

Does your sister provide for herself or will she be relying on your parents to help her rear her baby? Do your parents know her plans?

If that was my daughter, I'd drag her ass down to the nearest family planning clinic and get implanon put in her arm. Stop her getting knocked up for next 3 years, unless she rips it out of her arm.

Yea yea yea... she's a grown woman and cen make her own decisions etc. Obviously this girl can't and needs some sense. I guess if he breaks up with her she's going to have some random one night stand. She could catch any type of STD and what will she tell her kid when they ask about who their Daddy was? Madness!

Is she doing anything else that could fill this gap? Travel plans, career ambition etc? Has she any idea how hard it'll be to raise a baby esp. if he doesn't stick by her???

uberwolf

I'm pleasantly surprised that the consensus so far has been to warn him some how.

This only goes so far though, because she's intent on it, and needs to be persuaded otherwise herself. Warning off the most convenient donor is a stop gap.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's not your business to approach this guy. Yes, this young lad might become a father unwillingly but it's HIS business/problem and your sisters. They are both adults and yes, she may be deceiving him but is he your good friend or brother? No. She is your sister. Don't deceive her. Talk to your sister, tell her your worries. For god sake tell her Single-Parenting is NOT easy!!!!! (as with only a month behind them in the relationship, and his plans for the future, chances are she'll end up on her own, as much as a baby might mean EVERYthing to her, it won't mean EVERYthing to him and so on...) Maybe threaten to tell him. But don't go behind your sisters back. If anything, you should discuss it with your sister, but not with her boyfriend.

If the guy has any sense anyways, after only knowing a girl for a month, he should be protecting himself if he doesn't want to have a baby! Maybe he wants a baby himself, in that case, back off.

Your sister DOES sound a little unstable though....you really need to try and talk to her!

On another note I just want to tell you my story...

Surely thats not family planning if the only one planning her family is herself. Should i warn him or stay out of this and let her ruin his life? He's only 20 and in college and he wants to travel after college.

I wanted my baby and I got her 4 years ago (when I was 22). I really wanted her!! I never even discussed it with the sperm donor who was willing to have lots of unprotected sex with me without protection and who never asked me about contraception or brought it up in conversation! And we split before I found out I was preg. And I was happy, and he has nothing to do with her (his choice but also what I'd prefer if I'm honest - I didn't even tell him about her until she was about 2 months old, however, he was out of the country but I didn't go trying to contact him as I wanted to do it alone) and everyone is happy now!

Of course, that's out of the norm, but what I'm saying is, family planning doesn't HAVE to involve two parents in a long-term loving relationship! Most babies are NOT planned anyways, even within marriages so you can forget about "Perfect" family planning because that's not the way the world works. I wanted to parent alone, and I was ready to give a child a good life. I got pregnant by accident-on-purpose to a short-term boyfriend and now I'm parenting alone and there's been no losers (including my daughter who is a confident, beautiful, inquisitive, happy, intelligent, social little butterfly)

Before everyone jumps down my throat about her having no father....she has LOTS of positive male influences in her life including her rock of a grandfather who plays a massive part of her life and if gay couples are allowed to adopt, then I shouldn't be frowned upon for wanting to raise my daughter alone. Also, I know plenty of couples who stayed together because of a pregnancy, only to go on to lead horrible lives, arguing, fighting on front of the kids....only to end up breaking up and leaving little ones far more heart-broken/crushed/damaged than they ever would have been growing up with just one stable parent in a loving trusting and stable environment.

All of the above said, single parenting is HARD (but worth it for me anyways) and I've had to make massive sarifices in my life in order to give her the best life I know I can give her. All worth it of course but I wonder does your sister know what she will be getting herself into?

I do feel you need to do something kit.kat but as I've already said, talk to your sister, that's all you can/should do!

LegacyUser

Seriously warn him I have a friend that very recently went through this kind of thing with his now ex-girlfriend. He was 20, she was 22.

She claimed she was preggers, even though they had always worn protection. It turned out she had done this with her previous boyfriend too, but was lying.

My friend and her even went over to England to get it "sorted". She revealed she hadn't had an abortion and gave him back the cash minus a consultancy fee. Once again, she was never pregnant

We've all gotten rid of her from our lives (she had become friends with all of us). Her mam has revealed she knows her daughter is a little crazy.

My friend went through a lot, don't let this guy have to do it too.

randylonghorn

I'd normally advise anyone to stay out of their siblings' / friends' relationships, as generally they have no right to interfere.

This is a different case though ... no guy deserves to be tricked into fathering a child. He deserves to be warned, and rapidly.

Your sister's issues are more long-term, but it sounds like they are real and will need to be addressed in some way.

Karl Hungus

ParentingAlone wrote: »

Yes, this young lad might become a father unwillingly but it's HIS business/problem and your sisters.

Yeah, it is his business, and his problem, and that is exactly why he should be warned.

Victor

Do you know anyone with a 1- to 2-year old baby? Still in nappies, but the onset of the terrible twos. If the baby is teething or sick and cranky all the better.

Get the sister to babysit for the weekend, with someone covering for the Saturday night. Then have the Saturday night cover cancel at the last minute.

Also get someone to discuss the pain and mess of childbirth with her, especially if it was a complicated birth. Explain the weight gain, the bladder problems and the sore nipples.

It might adjust her thoughts.

LegacyUser

What about the child? (In response to single parent) The child when he/she gets a bit older & expecially at school will want to know about her father - she'll have a right to know about him, to get to kknow him, to know her genetic inheritance, to find out about him as her father. Cherish do a lot of work around these issues for the mothers who often don't want the father involved.........but the child still has a right.

No, don't interfere. If he's not taking responsibilty for contraception then unwelcome surprises will happen.

Marksie

I Will concur with the others on this.

The guy has to be told or at least asked to ask the sister. If they want to have a baby together then thats ok as its a conscious decision. If he is aware and then proceeds anyway then he has made the decision.

There is no need to be overly dramatic about it, just keep it simple and conversational. But get your point across.

If he decides he doesnt want to go there. Then OP you may want to have a word with your sister about why she is so keen to have babies regardless. I am not sure she is fully aware of how hard a job it is and especially if she is a single mother.

LegacyUser

her rock of a grandfather who plays a massive part of her life

ParentingAlone pretty much demolishes her own case with this. Her father is obviously a major support to her, but her daughter will not have this support.

NextSteps

Victor wrote: »

Do you know anyone with a 1- to 2-year old baby? Still in nappies, but the onset of the terrible twos. If the baby is teething or sick and cranky all the better.

Get the sister to babysit for the weekend, with someone covering for the Saturday night. Then have the Saturday night cover cancel at the last minute.

Also get someone to discuss the pain and mess of childbirth with her, especially if it was a complicated birth. Explain the weight gain, the bladder problems and the sore nipples.

It might adjust her thoughts.

That should sort her out!

MagicMarker

ParentingAlone wrote: »

I'm sorry, I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's not your business to approach this guy. Yes, this young lad might become a father unwillingly but it's HIS business/problem and your sisters. They are both adults and yes, she may be deceiving him but is he your good friend or brother? No. She is your sister. Don't deceive her. Talk to your sister, tell her your worries. For god sake tell her Single-Parenting is NOT easy!!!!! (as with only a month behind them in the relationship, and his plans for the future, chances are she'll end up on her own, as much as a baby might mean EVERYthing to her, it won't mean EVERYthing to him and so on...) Maybe threaten to tell him. But don't go behind your sisters back. If anything, you should discuss it with your sister, but not with her boyfriend.

If the guy has any sense anyways, after only knowing a girl for a month, he should be protecting himself if he doesn't want to have a baby! Maybe he wants a baby himself, in that case, back off.

Your sister DOES sound a little unstable though....you really need to try and talk to her!

On another note I just want to tell you my story...



I wanted my baby and I got her 4 years ago (when I was 22). I really wanted her!! I never even discussed it with the sperm donor who was willing to have lots of unprotected sex with me without protection and who never asked me about contraception or brought it up in conversation! And we split before I found out I was preg. And I was happy, and he has nothing to do with her (his choice but also what I'd prefer if I'm honest - I didn't even tell him about her until she was about 2 months old, however, he was out of the country but I didn't go trying to contact him as I wanted to do it alone) and everyone is happy now!

Of course, that's out of the norm, but what I'm saying is, family planning doesn't HAVE to involve two parents in a long-term loving relationship! Most babies are NOT planned anyways, even within marriages so you can forget about "Perfect" family planning because that's not the way the world works. I wanted to parent alone, and I was ready to give a child a good life. I got pregnant by accident-on-purpose to a short-term boyfriend and now I'm parenting alone and there's been no losers (including my daughter who is a confident, beautiful, inquisitive, happy, intelligent, social little butterfly)

Before everyone jumps down my throat about her having no father....she has LOTS of positive male influences in her life including her rock of a grandfather who plays a massive part of her life and if gay couples are allowed to adopt, then I shouldn't be frowned upon for wanting to raise my daughter alone. Also, I know plenty of couples who stayed together because of a pregnancy, only to go on to lead horrible lives, arguing, fighting on front of the kids....only to end up breaking up and leaving little ones far more heart-broken/crushed/damaged than they ever would have been growing up with just one stable parent in a loving trusting and stable environment.

All of the above said, single parenting is HARD (but worth it for me anyways) and I've had to make massive sarifices in my life in order to give her the best life I know I can give her. All worth it of course but I wonder does your sister know what she will be getting herself into?

I do feel you need to do something kit.kat but as I've already said, talk to your sister, that's all you can/should do!

I can't even come up with a worthy reply to this, i just find it very sad tbh.

To knowingly deprive a child of a father figure and stable family unit in this way is really wrong
Tell him or better still , tell your parents

davyjose

SarahSassy wrote: »

Surely if he has a brain in his head he will take responsibility for contraception until he knows he can trust his partner to take the pill....

He's 20 and his gf tells him he doesn't need to get shackled up in a condom because she's on the pill, and you think he's going to wear one anyway?Please!!!!
You women don't realise how horrible these things are.
OP, this will be YOUR niece/nephew so for that reason alone you need to warn this guy. Because maybe, just maybe things won't work out too well for everyone involved (particularly the child)!

Star Lord

ParentingAlone wrote: »

...I never even discussed it with the sperm donor...

I think that line alone really sums up your attitude towards the men you've been with... I find this really quite sad that you were so clinical about that.

OP - Seriously, the guy needs to know, and before it's too late.

tritium

Got to concur with pretty much eveyone else, he needs to be warned before he finds his future decided for him.

You also need to talk to your sister OP. Even without the pregnancy thing, if she's having unprotected sex this soon in relationships she's running the risk of STDs also. She sounds like she needs a bit of a reality check pretty quickly tbh

Sleepy

Warn him and get her into some therapy. She really needs to deal with whatever the underlying cause of this behaviour is.

l3LoWnA

Hi OP!

IF you are correct or indeed even if you are not, I think you should approach your sister and talk to her. I wouldn't go behind her back to tell her boyfriend though...are you friends with him also? Unless you have already approached your sis and got nowhere! Only then, if you feel it will save this guy and possibly an unborn child alot of heartache, maybe it would be worth saying something to him...

I'm a single-mum, father not involved and my child wasn't planned and although I knew her father for years as "good friends" and for about 18 months in a relationship sense, he completely lost the plot and changed into a person I never knew he was capable of being when I had the baby telling me I should kill myself AND my "bastard of a child" and he'd "get" us for trying to "ruin his life" go figure...your sister only knows this guy a MONTH!!

Try not to go behind your sisters back, talk to her, she's your sister after all.

Good idea about getting her to babysit for a long period of time (especially on a weekend where her plans will most definately be disrupted! hehehe), you can have mine for a whole week if you want

nomorebadtown

tell the guy

tell your parents

and tell your sister that you have told them and that she should seek psychological assessment asap

as a young man, this is the stuff of nightmares to me...i would be so grateful if I was the young fella in this situation and some kind straight-thinking person warned me.

Goldenquick

Sleepy wrote: »

Warn him and get her into some therapy. She really needs to deal with whatever the underlying cause of this behaviour is.

Great advice.

Your sister may never have mourned properly when she had the miscarriage. There isn't always a lot of support when that happens, especially as she was so young. I'm sure lots of people told her it was for the best as she was so young, she really might not be over that yet. It can take years sometimes to even talk about it to someone else as everyone really steers clear of the issue.

Clare Bear

First of all, tell him. Secondly give her a baby for a couple of days, do you have any nephews or nieces? There's no greater contraception than a screaming baby. She needs help, now before it's too late. Please do tell her boyfriend asap though. Too many guys have been trapped in situations like this, don't let him be another one when you can prevent it now.

Firetrap

OP, like almost everyone else here is suggesting, warn your sister's boyfriend.

I'm not sure that getting her to babysit a cranky baby will solve her obsession with having a baby. I know a girl who was determined to have a baby and now that she's a mother, she's gone really weird. Her entire life revolves around the kid and she won't even go out for the night anymore because it would mean leaving the baby behind.

I don't know how you'd even begin to broach the subject of your sister seeking help but I think there's something wrong when she's that obsessed with having a kid. Most of us go out of the way not to get pregnant. Does she work? Has she got a good job? Would having a baby mean she'd get a house etc?