Thinking Out Loud

LegacyUser

I'm not sure where to begin but my head is in a funny place and I thought it would be better to post than not.

I'm a 25 year old guy and postgrad in college, hopefully finishing up next summer. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself at all really. There are times when I'm not even sure I'm human, I find it hard to pinpoint who I am...beyond basic things such as my name and where I live I'm not sure there is much else. My confidence is essentially non-existant. I've had mental health problems for about 5 years now. I don't have any labels from those as I didn't go the medical route for help, just a college counsellor a few years ago. I've always taken the initiative in terms of getting help and if I hadn't made that first appointment back in late 03 I probably wouldn't be breathing. I used to self harm but don't now, still experience suicidal thoughts at times which can be brought on by college, low mood also comes into play, anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be but can still be quite crippling. My level of self-hatred used to be fierce but it has come down a notch or two. I doubt so much about myself, daily be it social contact with classmates, stupid things like brief eye contact with strangers on the street - thinking they know I'm a freak or hate me, doubting my ability to cope with college, that I will get into the career I want (a professional training course). I'm not going to say the whole world is against me because I know is not true...I don't know, I guess some things have just worn me down over the past few years. Even when I realise I can cope with aspects of college like getting through my exams and meeting all deadlines there is still doubt.

I don't really have friends, my college course is pretty intense and in some ways doesn't lend itself to friendship though maybe that's just me self-pitying. My classmates do seem to have managed to make friends with each other. I'm fortunate they're all a great bunch and we've relatively small numbers. Most of them seem to have split into a few groups but not in an annoyingly cliquey. I feel a bit disconnected from them but at the same time involved if that makes sense. It probably sounds big headed but I know they think I'm OK, I'm not an arsehole, I'm polite, help them with things if they ask as well as when they don't. When I disclosed they my disability to one of them she was quite supportive and said I seemed warm if a little distant. I'm not really surprised, I can only assume they think I'm a bit odd because I just *am*, maybe there is some underlying traits that put people off me, I don't know. I just feel that in the end this will be another qualification I complete without really knowing anyone. I'm happier in this second college, I have a sense of belonging and my head is a little less screwed up but...

I'll briefly mention relationships cos I think about that subject at times...I haven't gotten to the holding hands, kissing stage yet so this is another reason for being a freak. I feel terrified of physical affection, even if I do eventually kiss someone I can only assume they'll run away afterwards. That said, there are times when I don't have much interest in this subject and couldn't care less. I do feel thoroughly incapable of figuring this issue out and I can't just go with the flow.

I kinda have this pattern where if some important assignment comes up I drop certain things and feel terrified that if I don't complete the assignment the world will come crashing down, daft as that sounds. So I prioritise things in a way that I have to do work and that anything else is a bit of distraction, is therefore 'wrong' and not 'allowed'. I don't know if much of this is making sense, there isn't really anyone I can talk to...I do see a counsellor but that's once a month because you get 8 sessions per year and I tend to use it for mood or college related things. I've had private therapy before and it's not cheap. My confidence hasn't been this low in some time and I'm at a loss as to how to rebuild it. I know sometimes it's just negative thinking but I can't simply replace those with positive thoughts, it's not like doing a straight swap for a wrong size garment at your local clothes shop. Same going for giving myself a kick up the arse, not sure it's that simple as I've told myself to get a grip at times but I still wind up back at where I've just been writing about.

I live with my parents and my sister, there is no way I can speak to them about any of this but they know I've had issues in the past, beyond knowing I no longer harm myself they don't know much.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

merritt

It looks like you have at least one good thing going for you: your self-awareness.

I know that may not sound particularly useful, but being as tuned in as you are to your ebbs and flows is helpful (it's helped you in the past).

I think that you can see that getting support has been beneficial in helping you to be more objective. Is that objectivity slipping a bit now due to pressure in college or something else?

You are seeing a counsellor 8 times a year and you don't want to use up those sessions unnecessarily. That's wise. Might it be appropriate now though to use one?

Good luck. It's not bloody easy

Gumbyman

Hi DC. Fair play for saying all you said. Sounds like you're having a pretty rough time of it. I don't really know what advice I can offer. What I will say is this - there is nobody better than you. You have to realise that. You are as good as anybody else you meet. It doesn't matter a fcuk what they have done or what you have done. You are a decent human being. Look people in the eye. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up. The World is as much yours as it is anybodies. I really really hope things get better for you. I struggled with confidence for a long time and I know what you are going through. It is not easy but you are not alone. Good luck with it!

togster

Wow like a previous poster said, you are very self-aware. I used to be like you, and still am in some ways. I doubt my ability, get paranoid and one thing struck home. Its not like you can replace the negative thoughts. I always find this time of year worse. I don't know why that is. I have slowly found my feet to a certain extent but have always tried to find that place to 2belon2 wheteer its a place or a person but i have realised that untill i "find" myself that will never happen. I too found college rough. I alienated myself first year and so began the slide. However i was lucky to meet some repeats and they were great guys. I decided not to loose the chance. I think alot of the problem solving, is seizing the chance to break out of the shell you have formed around yourself. That can be anything out of the ordinary. Don't be afraid to try something, be it talking to someone you don't know etc.
I appreciate that noone here can really solve your problems because they are specific to you. You must work through them yourseld lonely as it may be. Every day is a struggle for a while but you will get stronger. For me it wasn't thinking positive, or giving myself a kick up the arse, it was simply doing small exercises like trying new things, going places outside of my comfort zone talking to people about anything.

An important thing to realise is the reason for you problem, without that you can go nowhere, And you are self aware which is the start. Best of luck OP:)

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies, sorry for the delay in replying I've been busy and also wasn't feeling up to writing back immediately.

Hmm, self-awareness, yeah I guess it is there. I can feel it, one or two other people and the Samaritans have said it in the past. Even so, does it count for much?

My next counselling session is in about 3 weeks time but I often I try to skip ahead to it in my head by trying to figure out what I 'should' bring up even when it's quite a while away. Plus, as the time is limited in session only so much can be said and I'm not 100% sure what to prioritise, sometimes I am direct enough but I can hold back with more prickly issues or something I'm terrified of.

I like the way you've put that Gumbyman and wish I could believe it and apply it but I don't think I'm even strong enough to be that reasonable or respectful to myself. I guess part of that maybe just negativity and having a low opinion of myself, I think sometimes we got a point of not even noticing or caring how much we are putting ourselves down. Strength is another issue as well, I'm not sure I *am* strong. Perhaps the only thing I'm proud of in all of this is that any time I've needed is that I've taken charge and gotten the help for myself, that's partly through fear as I didn't want to end up in A&E due to self-harm or a suicide attempt and also shear determination maybe.

I am rather sad tonight, not sure why. I missed some lectures today, missing more tomorrow due to non-college appointments so I do feel a bit guilty. My motivation to succeed this year is rather high which I'm thankful for and I am more organised but oh boy, if I don't get a 2.1 it's curtains really. I'm not at the point where I've had thoughts of jumping in front of trains but I'm not exactly a happy camper. I am a bit scared and intimidated by some of the lectures and have trouble with social cues...so I don't know if I should drop them a line or stay away, same goes for support services generally, I'm never too sure what is OK in terms of contact though I'm aware of the usual boundaries. I am feeling very lonely this evening, a bit blah, awful. If I wasn't in college I wouldn't really know anyone or hang out with people around my own age. I think most of the people in college are just acquintances. I don't know where I'd find the time either as some days I come home after 10 or 11 having been in at 8:30 or 9. I do and try work hard but to be honest I'm not sure anyone sees it so I'm concerned I'll get poor references. Tonight's sadness bothers me as I can't quite put my finger on what it is, just that or stress and depression, maybe categorising it is more of hindrance than a help.

Socially I am a bit better than I used to be, I would take more 'risks' such as talking to people I ordinarly wouldn't but I do seem to miss certain things and perceive that I've made an arse of it. I don't have a bebo or myspace, partly feel to old for it, don't see the need and feel email or text do the same job but I do use MSN and there are one or two people I consider very good friends in spite of the fact that I've never met them so that seems like another reason that I'm a bit of freak...in ways they know me better than most people do, within the onilne context, of course. I think I tend to over-analyse things socially and generally or compare myself to others far too much, my disability might be relevant here as it inhibits certain things and I end up thinking I 'should' be like other people, try to observe them and such. I just feel like a ghost in the whole being part of humanity thing but as I said before I'm not an arsehole, yet at the same time I can't really see why someone might compliment me or be nice to me. It's far easier for me to accept something like thanks for helping with the PC rather than something more personal, doubts abound.

I'm getting rather fed up of the ups and downs in mood. I know in some corners there's a debate about whether we've a fundamental right to be happy, I'm not sure we do but I often feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall in terms of not having a stable mood.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep a bit after writing this.