Getting Out of Comfort Zone

LegacyUser

Hey,
I have been feeling very down of late. Mainly just at work. Last week I began to feel confident in myself and very comfortable at work - relaxed in my working environment.
This week however, I am nervous and very uncomfortable at work. I feel very uptight and just want to get out of here. Everyone else seems to be happy and enjoying their workday.
I am finding it hard to get out of my comfort zone - to fit in comfortably and be myself here.
I have been trying to work on my confidence of late - getting out more, initiating conversations with people, etc. Maybe I just need to keep doing this??
thanks.

Latchy

Sounds like anxiety OP ,maybe try some relaxation techniques and try switch off when away from the work place.A hobby or intrest of some sort will help take your mind of stuff. Most people at the end of the day just want to get away home ,so your not unusual in that respect . best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi,
I had a work meeting yesterday evening - about 7 people attended. I didn't have to say my part until the end, which was an hr waiting. But for the whole hour I was very nervous, trying to tell myself to relax and to breathe normally.

Then when it came to my turn all this failed. I know I sounded very nervous and incoherent. After I said my part(about 2 mins!!) I was then more relaxed with all people discussing what I had said. I did ok in the end but just very disappointed that I was so nervous at the start.

Each night(for past 2wks) I have been listening to this confidence cd when I go to bed in an effort to make me more confident and xomfortable in other people's company. I was hoping that this would do it for me - got good reviews on amazon - but 2 weeks later I haven't really changed.

any help is greatly appreciated. thanks.

Ishindar

Hi OP i have a similar problem. but i dont see it as my problem. in my work there is a very stale and stiff work ethic, im not a stale and stiff person and im not prepared to compromise my personality so I feel uncomfortable at times but I remind myself its them not me and this helps! i also do damn good work so i dont have confidence issues.
I made a decision to not go to meetings that I dont want too anymore even if they are mandatory. this has been noticed but I have yet to be challenged on it. if i am challenged on it, im ready with my response, they may not like it but its the truth and I will be respected for it.
So relax in work and just be yourself

Overheal

You could try to shatter your comfort zone. For me, all I really had to do was shave my head bald. Because I know it looked stupid all I could do was go with it. I came to enjoy all the attention that came out of nowhere; most of it good attention but not all. I was prepared for that.

Find something that makes you feel uncomfortable and embrace it.

WildIrishRose

Hey.... There's a herbal remedy by the name of Bach (rescue remedy spray) you just spray twice into your mouth just to give you a bit of reasurrance... you can get it in most health stores, i bought mine in Holland and Barretts. Try it and see if it helps,

Let me know too!

SprostonGreen

tom2000 you could try getting acting lessons. You mind not want to be an actor, but it will give you skills to deal with you problem.

LegacyUser

thanks for your advice.
not sure if refusing to attend the meetings is best. it will not do me any good either from a work point of view or from breaking out of the comfort zone.
I only really feel relaxed among people after a good few drinks but I know that can be a dangerous path.
I often go very red when talking to someone and that in turn makes me more self conscious.
Anyone out there gone through this? and managed to break out of it??
Would love to hear from someone who has. thanks.

LegacyUser

I have another meeting next week and I am dreading it! Even thinking of calling in sick! I really want to feel confident in these meetings. I know I am good at my job and in the future I plan to set up my own business. But at this moment that is just a distant dream. I know I would never succeed when I lack confidence in meetings and among groups of people.
I look at some people here and wish I could be confident like them. I would love to be able to look forward to meetings, etc and to relish going into them - full of confidence.
I don't want to be sitting uncomfortably in meetings sweating nervously and dreading having to talk.
Can anyone help me?? How can I change all this??
Even when going out with workmates I feel uncomfortable and start worrying about what I should/can talk about and who will be there, etc..

Tuvok

Hi Tom,

What you have described is exactly the problem that I have been having at work over the last year or so. I know exactly how you feel and I am glad to know that I am not alone. Below is my experience which I hope will help you.

I have suffered from anxiety attacks in social situations for the last 10 years but it was never too bad at work as I didn't have to go to many meetings. Also, the meetings that I had to go to were very informal and I knew everyone in them so I was fairly relaxed. It has got a lot worse in the last year as I am required to go to a lot more meetings now with some quite senior people in them who I don't know very well. I started making up all all sorts of excuses not to attend as I didn't feel comfortable in these meetings. I would take a day off or hide and pretend that I forgot about the meeting! Finally, when I was forced to go to them I got some really bad anxiety attacks during the meetings. I nearly ran out of a few of them because it was so bad! :eek:

I think that you shouldn't avoid these meetings as this feeds your fear of them as happened with me. The next time that you have to attend it will be even tougher as you have built up the fear of them in your mind even more. The only way of defeating it is to attend all meetings. The more that you go to the more comfortable you will feel in them. Start looking for extra meetings that you can go to - ask your manager. View this as something that you can overcome as you know that you have been in situations like this before and you have been fine.

I have tried lots of relaxation techniques too. I can relax very deeply when I am at home lying on my bed listening to some calming music. When I am in a meeting though I find it very difficult to use the techniques as I am way too anxious for them to work. I just can't concentrate on relaxing my body when there is other stuff going on around me. I usually have a certain medium level of anxiety when going into a meeting (the relaxation techniques only work if I have a low level of anxiety). This stays with me for most of the meeting. Sometimes it gets worse and this starts a chain reaction of events. I get a tightness and dryness in my throat and my breathing gets faster. My mind starts thinking that I need to get up and run out. Then I think about what excuse will I give so I can leave the room and how awkward will I look. Next I start thinking of the consequences of leaving the room. Will people be asking me afterwards why I didn't come back in after I left? How will cope in the next meeting? I imagine having to tell my boss that I can't attend any more meetings and him telling me that I will have to resign as meetings are part of my job!

As you can see my mind starts thinking the worst possible scenarios. How do I cope and lower my anxiety level in order to stop myself running out of the room? I often bring a glass of water with me for my dry throat and this seems to help with the tightness too. To stop my thoughts running away I use distraction techniques. I bring a pen and some paper and start writing points down that people are saying. I find that when I am writing something down I can't think of bad thoughts at the same time. This I find very effective and it makes you look interested in what others are saying. Sometimes this doesn't work and I focus on something entirely different. I know that the reason that I am nervous is because my thoughts are making my body feel this way. If I focus my mind on a fun activity which requires lots of concentration then I should relax. I might try and think of 5 or 10 football teams in the English league beginning with the letter "A". Then I will do the same for "B" and so on. Having to go through the different leagues in my mind takes my mind off the current situation and I tend to relax. Obviously you can do this with different things such as countries.

Like yourself, I get nervous about talking during meetings. The longer that I stay silent during the meeting the more nervous I get. If you speak near the start then I think that makes you less nervous. Force yourself to ask people questions as you will find it easier when your time comes to talk. It's anticipatory anxiety that you're experiencing so if you talk early in a meeting then it gets rid of your fear. Also, be well prepared for the meeting so that no one can surprise you with an awkward question.

I think social situations are the same as meetings - the more you go to the easier they get. If you practice in lots of different social situations you should start feeling more and more relaxed. If you start staying at home every weekend then you will get out of practice and you will feel anxious again. Keep up to date with the news as you can always talk about this with your work colleagues. Read a few books in the area of socialising. I think Leil Lowndes has some good books. I hope this helps.

Elessar

As others have said, overcoming anxieties related to meetings, presentations is down to getting used to them. Keep doing them over and over and each time it gets easier. I remember in college I was a nervous wreck making presentations about my projects and I looked ridiculous (keep banging my head against a wall about that one :mad:)

Go and join Toastmasters. They are a group specifically dealing with making people more confident doing speeches and presentations. Practice talking aloud with them and the more you do it the easier it gets. The reason so many other people you see find it easy to make presentations/speeches is because it IS easy. You just have to get used to it and forget about what others think.

craichoe

tom2000 wrote: »

I have another meeting next week and I am dreading it! Even thinking of calling in sick! I really want to feel confident in these meetings. I know I am good at my job and in the future I plan to set up my own business. But at this moment that is just a distant dream. I know I would never succeed when I lack confidence in meetings and among groups of people.
I look at some people here and wish I could be confident like them. I would love to be able to look forward to meetings, etc and to relish going into them - full of confidence.
I don't want to be sitting uncomfortably in meetings sweating nervously and dreading having to talk.
Can anyone help me?? How can I change all this??
Even when going out with workmates I feel uncomfortable and start worrying about what I should/can talk about and who will be there, etc..

How about Toastmasters ? I've heard of this building confidence for alot of people with regard to public speaking

www.toastmasters.ie

Velcrow

Hi Tom

Just to let you know everyone feels this way and it gets easier -

I will always respect someone who is slightly nervous at a meeting because it means that they actually care a great deal about their contribution.

Stick with it and remember to give yourself a lot of credit for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.

LegacyUser

thanks all!! your help has been great. I will try out the above.
I had a meeting yesterday and when I began to sound nervous I just paused and relaxed myself and was ok then. It seemed to help.

more advice is always welcome

K09

Hi guys,
I am in a similar situation. Been like this for years. It has hindered me in settling into new jobs, meeting new people and getting the most out of life.

I know I would be so much more happier and not feel down if I felt so much more confident in myself and able to cope with social situations. I feel I am holding myself back from achieving what I know I can do. It is all so stupid and frustrating when I think about it.
Every morning going into work I try and think confident and try and be relaxed at work and talk comfortably with colleagues. But I curl back into my ball and I do not get involved in conversation and then I become even more anxious and uncomfortable.

Is there any simple way out of this?? I've tried some books and cds but they have not worked.

Also toastmasters does not suit me as I am not in Dublin and also I don't think I could work up the courage to attend.

Hope you can help me!! Thanks everyone.

18AD

I kind of recently overcame this sort of behaviour. I had a relapse there a while ago but I'm back on track.

As was said earlier, embrace situations you dislike.
Don't put too much importance on what other people think.

If you're nervous, say you're nervous! Maybe not the best idea in a meeting, although I wouldn't know since I've never been to a formal meeting.

Laugh at yourself. In fact, do something embarassing just so you can do this.

Realise that in sharing who you are may not be liked by some people and may be loved by others. But I find that if your intentions are right then you have nothing to worry about.

Use a scientific method. Social experiments. Instead of thinking whether something is a good idea or not, do it! and then see what the results are.

In fairness, I'm sure you've come across a lot of this before. It's basically in the act of actually doing it that will change your mind.

Best of luck.
AD.

K09

I hope to make a big effort this year!! I really want to get over this and want to get off to a great start.

Any tips or advice please to help me get started?? What should I be thinking or doing?

thanks.

JuliusCaesar

These any use?

http://www.socialphobia.org/fact.html

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Behavioural-Techniques/dp/1854877038

You should be able to access cbt in any part of Ireland, if you want to go for treatment. Otherwise - did you try following the advice in books?

PM me if you like.

K09

thanks!

Yeah I'm beginning to realise I suffer from social phobia!!

anyone else suffer with this? How did you deal with it? I'm hoping that I finally get rid of this this year!

Marksie

The relaxation by deep brething may couinteract some of the effects, if you concentrate on juts the breathing before you go to meetings, then it gets you out of your own head and stops you think ing about worst case scenariuos.
Meetings are work, they are there to be done and got through.
So if you prepare what you have to say before hand that always helps as you are not attemtping to speak off the cuff.

I was terrified of giving lectures for example. But my first big one was in st. louis in front of 500 + people.
I prepared and prepared and prepared.
When it was over i wondered what the fuss was about.

Further, avoiding the situation wont help you overcome the issue. The more you do the more you get used to it and the easier it becomes.
Rememebr you are talking about what you have done in your work.
Also if you are waiting and thinking then you are juts building the anxiety, listen to what others are saying and how they talk. Learn from them. But laso in focussing on whatt they say then you are not worrying about what you are going to say.
One thing may be to note key points on a notepad

You may find that some are just as nervous if you look at them.

gollem_1975

craichoe wrote: »

How about Toastmasters ? I've heard of this building confidence for alot of people with regard to public speaking

www.toastmasters.ie

I was talking about Toastmasters in another PI thread entitled "Conversation Skills" so please check this thread for some more info.

the link Craichoe gave above is for one particular Toastmasters club which meets in Dublin City Centre.

there are more than 20 clubs in the dublin area and at last count I think there are 90 clubs nationwide.

the web address for the club in my area is clontarfmarino.freetoasthost.info.

the official site of Toastmasters international is www.toastmasters.org and there is a handy "find a club in your locality" link on the left hand side of the page.

hope this helps.

K09

thanks

LegacyUser

tom2000 wrote: »

thanks for your advice.
not sure if refusing to attend the meetings is best. it will not do me any good either from a work point of view or from breaking out of the comfort zone.
I only really feel relaxed among people after a good few drinks but I know that can be a dangerous path.
I often go very red when talking to someone and that in turn makes me more self conscious.
Anyone out there gone through this? and managed to break out of it??
Would love to hear from someone who has. thanks.

I was like that all through school and in my first few jobs. I still have problems talking in some meetings, unless I know exactly what I am talking about that, and even then if the people in the room are more experienced than me I do have confidence problems. I work in IT security and started reading social engineering articles. Kevin Mitnick used these techniques to con people, but if you look at talking to people as a stressful area, try taking on a different persona, and "conning" them into thinking you are strong, confident, successful, etc. I am not saying you are not, but if you dont believe you are, then there is no point in telling yourself you are. Some of the more useful tips I got from the books and articles are very useful in interview and meeting situations.

For example, when entering the room, stop in the doorway when going into the room, and greet the room as a whole. This works because when the people in the room look at you, they see the door frame around you. Due to tv, posters, pictures, screens etc, humans have been re-programmed to take note of people in frames. The door frame around you makes them sub-consciously take note of you.

When you enter the room, greet a few people you know with a smile, and then take a seat. I would suggest taking a seat closest to the door if possible. That stops you having to walk around the room too much, which, while you are doing it your mind is saying, "everyone is looking at me, what do I do??". Sit down as soon as possible, sit up straight in the chair and lock your fingers together. This stops you fidgeting.

Pick three people in the room to look at when you are doing your talking. If you dont like keeping eye contact, focus on their eye brows, they wont know the difference, but it shows confidence.

If you are in a situation where you need to shake hands with someone, try to get your hand out first, and put it palm down. Read any online article about shaking hands and they will all tell you the boss shakes hands first and puts his hand, palm down. It commands respect. When speaking dont use ten words when five will do. Get to the point quickly, the people listening to you are not looking for a story, they are looking for facts, answers, etc. Maybe put in an interesting fact or two, but only if it is relevant.

If you want more information, say so and Ill PM you. Good luck!