Betraying my best friend/girlfriend

Rockstar*

Hi people,

I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, Im busy with work and study and a family member is very sick right now so I have a lot to be thinking about.

My problem is I feel very confused at the moment and think I want to break up with my girlfriend of one and a half years (both 25). The main reason I suppose is that I dont think I want to marry this lovely girl and I think I am falling out of love with her which was once unimaginable.

Im scared to death of two things - number one is I will hurt her immensely as I know that I am her rock and the one thing she has always depended on this past while. Number 2 Im scared to death I will regret breaking up ( a case of not knowing what youve got till its gone) ...she really is so good to me and loves me more than anyone before but I have to say I find her a little hard work sometimes when it comes to her moods and little fights we have from time to time.

I also think i resent the fact that we are going out now because i want to travel for a year with friends next year (something which she cannot do due to commitments here anyway).

I have felt down the past few days as i have been thinking about this to myself non stop - we have talked before but I dont think we need to talk about this now. Im not sure whether I am just torturing myself or whther breaking up really is the right thing to do.

I also have come to a point where I think i would like to have freedom to see other people ...i will miss her like my right arm and feel sick writing this message as it is as though it is my first step towards breaking up. unfortunatly I dont think I can just come out and say it but prefer to wait until our next fight which Im sure will happen soon enough the way things have gone lately. But then again i dont want to end it on suchj a bum note and need to cause as little pain as possible.

Any advice guys? I feel like sh*t now for talking like this and feel as though I have completely betrayed her!

melekalikimaka

If you care for her you wouldnt break up, you still seem to 'love' her, but fear your gonna fall out of love, may be wait tilthen.

allgirls are high maintainence, just gotta roll with it and take the crap sometimes, you say shes very good too you, and she loves you, seemslike its something to work on tbh

Rockstar*

Thank you for the response.

I don't know because I feel deep down I may be kidding myself, why am I feeling like this so early on in our relationship.Surely if we were meant to be I wouldnt be dreaming of letting such a girl go?

To be honest I also deep down feel there MUST be somebody else that is more compatible for me.

I really don't know, I now understand when people tell their partners they are confused. It's not a cop out I really just dont know whether it would be the right decision.

biko

I think you should wait until you're sure - no need to cause unnecessary pain to her and you. If you do break up it should be final.

l3LoWnA

Don't feel like sh* t for posting on here about it. You're in a horrible situation - confused. Afraid of losing what you have. Afraid of hurting her. Afaird you could be missing out on something better by staying with her. but know this, you could end up alone for a long time if you decide to end things now. You are only 25 - you don't have to get married in the next year, even in the next 5 years, unless she does?

If I was you, i wouldn't make any decisions for now. You obviously don't want to be without her. Just relax for the next few weeks. Try not to think about it too much and just see how things are going between you two. I, personally, can't give you much advice. I dumped someone a few months ago and I still feel very guilty about it (reinforced tonight by him texting and obviously still being in the same place as he was in the day I dumped him!)

You really seem to have feelings for this girl, I think you should try and work on it for now! Just my advice, take it or leave it

Reku

Leave it until your sure, for me it was easy enough to realise I'd fallen out of love simply because it reached a point where I prefered to spend time doing things I didn't even particularly enjoy than spend it with her.:(
In the meantime I'd say you should try spend more time with her, see if you can rekindle things a bit, remind yourself of why you're in love with her, perhaps it's just that the passion has died down.

Miss Fluff

When you break up with someone there is a whole grieving process to go through (oftentimes when you are still in the relationship). It is in your head now that you may want to break up, you may not be ready in your own head to do so however and it may take a lot of sleepless nights/soul searching to find the right answer, just don't do anything rash.

That_Guy

I know that you may be having arguments and fights etc but that's normal in any relationship.

Just because you're going out with this girl doesn't necessarily mean you have to rush into marriage if you're not comfortable with it. After all you've only been with her for a year and a half and you're still both young.

I think that you'd be making a big mistake if you broke it off now because right now you will probably need her more than ever especially if someone in your family is sick at the moment. Think of her as your support.

Hope this helps in some way.

Cupcake_Crisis

everybody fights in relationships! its part of the fun! but u sound like u do really still love her! whats the point in hanging around waiting till u fall out of love when u could work on making ur relationship better??

AngryBadger

Rockstar* wrote: »

I also have come to a point where I think i would like to have freedom to see other people ...i will miss her like my right arm and feel sick writing this message as it is as thou

I think that pretty much sums it up. You want to see other people, nothing wrong with that. So break up with her and see other people.

There's an unspoken misconception that the more time that's put into a relationship the more you "owe" the other half. I'm not saying you should be nasty about the break-up to your gf (and it doesn't sound like you want to be form your post). WHat I am saying is that you have to be true to yourself regardless of how it may effect her in this case.

If you feel strongly that you want to see other people, but you decide to stay with her then you may resent her.

If you break up and think it was a mistake, you can always ask for another chance.

It's not a crime you're committing here.

StormWarrior

Your post reminds me of when I was thinking of breaking up with my boyf. I was having all the same thoughts as you, worried I would regret it, etc. In the end, I dumped him and am so much happier, it was definitely the right decision. In my opinion, if you're unhappy enough to be considering dumping her, then it's only going to get worse from here. She will be upset, but she will get over it. Once you both start moving on with your own lives you'll realise it was the right thing to do. If you two were so right for each other, you wouldn't be having these thoughts. It's also fun to be single again, as you will find when you go travelling with your friends. Travelling with friends is always much more fun than going with your other half. The world is full of girls and there's sure to be one out there who won't make you feel like you want to dump her.

gosplan

just break up with her, she'll get over it.

Rockstar*

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the posts.

I split with my girlfriend yesterday citing continuous bickering at each other as the reason. She is devastated to say the least. She said I was her best friend (she was mine) , she never thought she would hear me say I wanted a break and never felt so heartbroken and hurt. It'skilling me thinking about what I have done to her.

I don't know if i did the right thing, I am confused and although I still feel very strongly for her I can only hope I did the right thing for long term. I don't care about myself at the moment I am just worried about what I have done to my little girl - she was the world to me and my rock for the past year which has been very lonely for me as for the second time in two years a family member is very sick.

How will I cope with all this I dont know?! the poor girl I wish I could ring to comfort her but I dont want to give her any false hope when I am not sure of anything myself.

How will you cope?
Go travelling for the year.
If I had of seen this thread earlier,I'd have suggested that you do the travelling that you want, and not officially break up, to get your head around what you are feeling.
But whats done is done.

halfinch

Rockstar

Breaking up is the hardest thing to do but I think you have done the right thing.....everything happens for a reason and if you are meant to be together then it will happen. I hope everything works out for youand your girlfriend will be fine, granted she will have some sleepless nights but Im sure you will yourself, I think you did the right thing but as it goes only time will tell

Rockstar*

Thanks a million, its great to actually read replies like this.

I think this must be one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do, I mean I could have easily kept things going the way they were but I dont think I would have been true to her or myself and in the long run it would have been harder to break up.

This is why it is so hard - I dont think I wanted to break up right now I just think it was the best thing to do - to seperate and set each other free to go our own ways. She wont buy or realise this but this is honestly the way I see things...she more than likely thinks I have gone off her and dont like being with her anymore.

I know I am confused but does this sound normal to anyone? that I would still love to be with her today as usual doing something fun but there is some reason in my subconcious telling me we should not be together anymore in the interest of both our futures

Tuesday_Girl

Rockstar* wrote: »

I know I am confused but does this sound normal to anyone? that I would still love to be with her today as usual doing something fun but there is some reason in my subconcious telling me we should not be together anymore in the interest of both our futures

It's perfectly normal, after I broke up with bf of 3 years I was distraught at what I had done to him and distraught that what we had had was over, even though I took the decision to make it that way. In the first days my thoughts kept going back to 'if I picked up the phone now we could be together within an hour and this whole nightmare would end'. But I knew deep down that I had done the right thing and this kept me strong and stopped from calling him, suggesting we try again, giving him false hope, looking for an easy way to ease my own pain, etc.

Stay strong and don't get in touch for now, the confusion will ease, your feelings will become clearer and you will know for sure whether what you have done is right or not. If your subconscious is telling you that this relationship is not meant to be then it probably isn't.

Ickle Magoo

Sounds normal to me.

Usually by the time I am consciously contemplating breaking up my subconscious had already decided a long time ago that something wasn't right, it just takes the rest of my brain a wee while to play catch-up!

Then the only problems I have are selfish panic (Oh no! What am I thinking? What about the good sex? Will I find another partner or be single for ages, what a pain that would be!) & rose-tinted nostalgia (Oh remember that night, wasn't X/Y/Z great...etc).

I think you did the right thing.

WildIrishRose

melekalikimaka wrote: »

If you care for her you wouldnt break up, you still seem to 'love' her, but fear your gonna fall out of love, may be wait tilthen.

allgirls are high maintainence, just gotta roll with it and take the crap sometimes, you say shes very good too you, and she loves you, seemslike its something to work on tbh

I like this advice!

axer

OP: Make sure you give her space now so that both she and you can move on even if she doesn't think she needs it.

LadyMayBelle

Your situation is so real and it must be so difficult for you, I find it so sad even to read. I sincerely hope you will be okay and take the advice of other posters, go and travel, see the world, and give each other some space.

Rockstar*

Thank you again to everyone who contributed.

I think I have made the right decision although still feeling confused.

Have not heard anything from her since friday and Im sure she has cried solid ever since, the poor thing. I also missed not being able to call her today as I got some upsetting news today re the sick family member..life goes on as they say and I am trying to just think of myself I suppose as a security mechanism for myself so I can remain positive.

She is probably expecting me to call her tomorrow but to be honest I dont feel up to it, I would like it if I could maybe drop her a text to say I had been thinking of her and hoping she is ok but I think we should stop seeing each other for a while as I seem to have too much going on around me at the moment.

Is this appropriate?

SarahSassy

Dont contact her - it would not be fair and could come across as patronising. What you're feeling is the after effect of you breaking up with her. I know you did it for all the right reasons but you really need to let her get on with it now and not contact her when YOU feel that YOU need it.

SS

PS Sorry to hear you got bad news.

CathyMoran

I think that it is kinder if you cut all contact unless you plan getting back with her.

Rockstar*

Hi, Yes I plan to cut all contact for her sake but she is expecting a call from me tomorrow to see if I feel the same way...I was wondering should I do this at all tomorrow? I thought maybe I owe her as much to call to say I didnt want us to get back together?

I would rather not make this call at all so was thinking I could drop her a text message just to say I hoped she was ok , i think we should stay apart(in a nice way!) & best of luck with everything.

I know the right thing is for us never to make contact again but Im worried I might be perceived as not being a man about it if I didnt call her tomorrow.

It's really hitting home now that we are splitting up,I know what Im letting go but I suppose I am holding out hope that splitting up will help her move on to find someone more compatible and ultimately make her happy again because I dont think I would be able to do that for her in the long run and its not fair of me to keep seeing her knowing this.

SarahSassy

If you said you would call her then do call her.... She deserves that much at least but I would not make a habit of calling / texting her after that.

axer

Rockstar* wrote: »

Hi, Yes I plan to cut all contact for her sake but she is expecting a call from me tomorrow to see if I feel the same way...I was wondering should I do this at all tomorrow? I thought maybe I owe her as much to call to say I didnt want us to get back together?

I would rather not make this call at all so was thinking I could drop her a text message just to say I hoped she was ok , i think we should stay apart(in a nice way!) & best of luck with everything.

I know the right thing is for us never to make contact again but Im worried I might be perceived as not being a man about it if I didnt call her tomorrow.

It's really hitting home now that we are splitting up,I know what Im letting go but I suppose I am holding out hope that splitting up will help her move on to find someone more compatible and ultimately make her happy again because I dont think I would be able to do that for her in the long run and its not fair of me to keep singing her knowing this.

Yes, I think you should call her but let her know that you do not want to communicate after that for both of yeer sakes i.e. this is the last time. I would say keep the call brief and to the point. No matter what is said in the call, stick by your decision and do not get tempted to get back together no matter what - make that decision before you call. Good luck.

CathyMoran

If you contact her no matter why it will get her hopes up. People often say things when breaking up that they do not hold through to. She will not think the less of you if you do not contact her. Give her her own life back. My husband and I stayed in contact when we were apart and look what happened to us (having said that, I am delighted, we really love each other).

Rockstar*

We spoke last night and I told her I thought it for the best we go our seperate ways.

She made a big play to get us back together but I had to make it clear and it was very hard listening to her tell me how she felt about me and wanting to move in together with me loving the idea of this also but thinking it couldnt work.

I have never ever before felt so sad. If I wanted I could make everything better and take her back but in the back of my head theres someone saying "you're not going to marry the girl, let her go" another is saying "it wouldnt work, anyway you've gone too far now" and then theres another saying "This could be such a big mistake youre making"

I am so confused and have just plunged us both into a world of misery. Why do I feel as though I am breaking up with the person I love most in the world but its for the best?

AARRRGH

Rockstar*, imagine yourself as an old man, say 75 years old. You are looking back on your life and thinking about all the decisions you regret and all the things you wish you'd been brave enough to do.

Do you think you'll regret you listened to the little voice inside you telling you to end your relationship?

I try to live my life so I'll be an old man with no regrets. It makes decision making easy.

Monkey61

Hang on a second, why is it for the best that you broke up with this girl???
Is it possible that you are just very confused and quite depressed right now which is perhaps messing with your judgement?

You say you love her and love the idea of moving in with her - so why not?
Is it also possible that you are slightly enjoying the power that you are wielding over her by being so sure of the strength of her feelings for you. From some of the stuff you said, you really seemed to be revelling in the fact that she is so upset over you. I have a feeling that if you weren't so convinced that she was in love with you and wanted to spend her life with you that you would never have risked breaking up with her in the first place.

Relationships are not meant to be perfect and one never can tell where they are going to end up. It seems a waste to give up on something on a whim.

Rockstar*

Ah no hand on heart hearing the extent of her feelings hurt me more than anything else. I couldnt possibly revel in seeing her so hurt and distraught. I feel guilty and would like nothing more than to wipe her memory clean of me just so as she could move on from this dark moment.

The confusion and depression is no doubt affecting my judgment and I have been constantly trying to take this into account but I have gone through with the hardest part now and to turn back would mean the possiblity of dealing her another devastating blow when we are even more involved!

Another thing I would like to concede is depending on family issuesi want to go away for the year next September with my friends. But with my gf I could not do this as she is tied to a job her for the next few years so coming with me is out of the question. This I have to say has played on my mind a bit.
....Does she mean more to me than travelling next year? of course she does but this is something I again feel the need to do now.

It's nothing to do with her wanting me more by the way , I was shocked to hear how serious she was about me to be honest and DID in fact feel as though I was working to hang onto her most of the time-never took her for granted and would love to have heard her say these things before.


I always told my friends that I tried talking to her to tell her petty arguments etc and other silly things had to stop because I had the feeling one day I might have to end up breaking up with her---she would know she needed to cop on but by then it would be too late = damage done. This has also ironically happened in some sorts.

pretty-in-pink

If you are meant to be together, then you will be together. A break may help clarify that. Have you posted this unreged before? Its very familiar sounding......

LegacyUser

Have a similar story to the OP. Been going out with a girl since I was 18, am 25 now. We broke up earlier in the year. She did the breaking up, but I think the story is the same. I wanted to break up before she did the deed, but frankly didn't have the balls. I don't know why I wanted to, but I think we were going out a long time, but just couldn't make the committment necessary, felt too young, etc etc. She was a lovely girl, and still I struggle to think of any bad points she had.

Eventually she sensed things were just not right. We are broken up almost 5 months, and quite frankly I havn't even been able to bring myself to go near another girl, even though the opportunities have presented themselves. She has found a boyfriend since, and the thought of that alone absolutely kills me, but still in my heart I know that for now at least we just can't be together. It is the most horrible horrible feeling.

I know I should cut off all contact... and it would be easier, but it is hard to know if it is the right thing to do too. We have both said we want to sort things out, but that now it is just too complicated.