Partners friend made a move on me.

LegacyUser

Long time lurker here looking for some advice.

I have a girlfriend going on 12 years am mid 30's now (no desire to marry but thats a different story)
Basically i am a manager in my company and look after in total roughly 100 or so people.

My partner has about 5 really good friends going back to her school/college days. At this stage of our relationship I know them all pretty well. About a year ago one of my partners friends Sandra lets call her called me and said she found a vacancy for my comapny on a recruitment website and asked did I have any advice. It was in my department but i said i'd look into it. To cut a long story short she didnt get that job but a month later one of my direct reports left and sandra was called in for the job. She came from a different industry so initially i had to spent a lot of time with her to show her the ropes she soon got the hang of it though.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago and we were having a staff party, as the manager i'm usually the most sober at these, maybe have about 5 bottles of beer the entire night. Sandra and her team had completed a project ahead of time and under budget (an unheard of achievement in my company!) I had gotten approval to let them take friday off(10 people in total) as they had doing quite of lot of unpaid OT and i wanted to thank them. At the end of the night sandra and her team was pretty much all that was left so i told them the news, they all decided to celebrate by heading off to **ahem** coppers... sandra held back and said "thanks" kissed me on the cheek but kind of held my hand if you know what i mean? She had had a good few so i didnt think anything off it.

For the last 2 months myself, sandra and a couple of other managers have been preparing a bid for work, pretty lucrative stuff and we received news on friday that we has been successful. The guys up top were chuffed and told me to take everyone who worked on the bid out on the piss. We were in town but ended up in a pub with pretty much, myself, sandra one of the other women and me. I went to the toilet (number 2) and pretty much as soon as i opened the door sandra pushed me back in and onto the toilet jumped on me grabbing for my c*ck and kissing me, for a couple of seconds i was pretty stunned and didnt do anything, then rather roughly i threw her off me and asked her what the f*ck she was doing, the next few minutes went on with her drunkenly tryong to repeat herself, get her t*ts and pu*sy then finally getting semi nake begging me to "ride her" . Of course i tol her to f**k off and tbh even at this stage if i wa single it was all a bit desperate.


Anyway she then proceeded to break down on the toilet floor and tell me how she's fallen for me since she's starting working with me etc etc.

Anyway i have no interest whatsoever but i am not sure what to do now, I've seen her in work and had a couple of meetings with her present but she's been very quiet.

what should i do?

Nothing.Let it go away,it's Sandra's problem not yours.
Tell your Gf what happened though only on the understanding that she trusts you and won't approach Sandra with this.
Thats the end of it.

How Strange

I agree, talk to your gf about it as the friend seems pretty intense in her attraction and she could tell your gf at some stage out of guilt and that will only make you look like you've something to hide.

Try to avoid the friend as much as possible and DON'T go out drinking with them again. If you have to go out for a work do then don't drink and leave early before the group dwindles down and she gets drunk again.

supertramp

Tell your gf about it.

axer

Yes, make sure you tell your girlfriend as it could surface and she would naturally wonder why you never mentioned it.

Also from a work point of view I would wonder if you might have to somehow cover your ass. You were sanctioned to bring your workers out for drinks and this happened - does that make it work related? Make sure your ass is covered is all.

themadchef

axer wrote: »

Yes, make sure you tell your girlfriend as it could surface and she would naturally wonder why you never mentioned it.

Also from a work point of view I would wonder if you might have to somehow cover your ass. You were sanctioned to bring your workers out for drinks and this happened - does that make it work related? Make sure your ass is covered is all.

yes and yes. tell GF, and if it were me i would take it up the chain at work, Got to cover it as it was technically a work party. Got to be sure there is no worry on that score in case it ever gets to a point where she suddenly feels SHE is being treated differently at work. You did everything right, or at least nothing wrong.......but as you work in same place it could become an issue down the line.

DawnMc

It could very well become an issue.
Firstly, I agree with other posters, tell your girlfriend ASAP.
Also, it is important to tell your senior at work.
'Sandra' says she has fallen for you. If she doesn't take rejection well, this could blow up in your face with her going to your senior and saying you instigated it.

Also, talk to 'Sandra'. Stay highly professional and tell her what happened was unethical and wrong.

kowloon

Need a lot of ass covering here, all good advice.

It doesn't matter if it was in a pub outside work, it could very quickly become a work issue if shes pissed off about it.
I would tell your manager or whoevers in charge about it but ask them not to talk to Sandra and that you don't want to make a fuss, it's just to cover yourself.
Like DawnMc said, if she doesn't take it well it could bite you in the ass.
Also tell your partner for the same reasons.

If all goes well things might just be awkward around the office for a while.

jam_mac_jam

kowloon wrote: »

Need a lot of ass covering here, all good advice.

It doesn't matter if it was in a pub outside work, it could very quickly become a work issue if shes pissed off about it.
I would tell your manager or whoevers in charge about it but ask them not to talk to Sandra and that you don't want to make a fuss, it's just to cover yourself.
Like DawnMc said, if she doesn't take it well it could bite you in the ass.
Also tell your partner for the same reasons.

If all goes well things might just be awkward around the office for a while.

I would agree with this, you need to say it to work, what if it was the other way around? This could be used against you and the type of girl who would do that to a close friend could be one that I would be a bit worried about. Even just to avoid getting into a situation where you are out with her again. This is very dodgy stay well away from her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Try & get her to leave the company. The type of woman that would approach you in that way could end up getting revenge on you someday if you just keep it quiet & pretend everything's normal.

If you tell your girlfriend you'll be put under pressure to leave the company, or at least be cross examined every timeyou & sandra are out together. Which it seems you will be if the company keeps going the same way.

Make sure you tell management.

the_syco

Tell your GF, tell your solicitor, and give the solicitor a statement that he either locks away in a neutral party, or inform the management that one of the staff (whilst drunk) tried to "get it on with you".

In case you're wondering why to tell management, or get your solicitor to take the statement, it's to stop you from either getting blackmailed in the future, or stop any rumours from being circulated within the company.

kowloon

the_syco wrote: »

tell your solicitor

Excellent idea if you want to keep the company out of it.

Carrigart Exile

She may go from embarrassed to hating you for rejecting her. Tell your HR director, this could be turned rather brilliantly on to you. By all means say you want no action, etc.

Miss Fluff

File a complaint with HR Manager and say you don't necessarily want it actioned. If you tell your girlfriend you do realise that you and Sandra won't be able to work together anymore (doubt your GF would be happy with that situation). Then ask Sandra to find a new job as you find working with her intolerable. If she kicks up, you will have already lodged a complaint and preempted any bunny-boiling. Important that you tell HR on the qt at work though, it could turn nasty.

Reku

kowloon wrote: »

Need a lot of ass covering here, all good advice.

It doesn't matter if it was in a pub outside work, it could very quickly become a work issue if shes pissed off about it.
I would tell your manager or whoevers in charge about it but ask them not to talk to Sandra and that you don't want to make a fuss, it's just to cover yourself.
Like DawnMc said, if she doesn't take it well it could bite you in the ass.
Also tell your partner for the same reasons.

If all goes well things might just be awkward around the office for a while.

Agreed, tell both groups ASAP, the longer you leave it the more they'll question why you waited.
I'd also suggest that you request that someone else take the staff out next time so you can avoid the threat of a repeat.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Then ask Sandra to find a new job as you find working with her intolerable. If she kicks up, you will have already lodged a complaint and preempted any bunny-boiling. Important that you tell HR on the qt at work though, it could turn nasty.

I think you run a strong risk of wrongful dismissal there, throwing yourself at the manager is not a sackable offense. If she continues to do so in spite of his clear rejection then it'll be grounds for sexual harassment and possible sacking, but at the moment it's just a one off drunken encounter with a little drunken flirting 3 months prior.

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

Tell your GF, tell your solicitor, and give the solicitor a statement that he either locks away in a neutral party, or inform the management that one of the staff (whilst drunk) tried to "get it on with you".

In case you're wondering why to tell management, or get your solicitor to take the statement, it's to stop you from either getting blackmailed in the future, or stop any rumours from being circulated within the company.

Thanks for the advice, I do have a good friend in HR who i might have a word with on this.

shakenbake

Mate, I think the worst thing you could do is tell your girlfriend. If you want a world of **** to errupt over this, then tell your girlfriend, or even worse someone in work. It will spread like wild fire.

People are odd & complicated creatures at the best of time. Mix it up with alcohol and you can have a fairly volitile mix. We've all done some pretty stupid things in the past and this girl just made a drunken mistake. An error of judgement. Nothing more.

If you can get over that then just let her know indirectly through body language etc, that theirs no issue. Basically just ensure you're not isolating her, particularly if you are her direct boss. Then stay out of her way when alcohol involved. Depending on the girl in question you *may* want to say something for the record to a colleague you have complete confidence in. This is if anything like this happens in the future and you are implicated incorrectly somehow, you have evidence of this.

Just forget about it basically.

Linoge

I would inform HR what happened but thats as far as I would go. If you tell your girlfriend she will no doubt at the very least act differently towards the girl and the girl will no doubt pick up on this.

If she feels that the friendship is ruined, its only then that she has nothing to lose and may become bitter and start to resent you for rejecting her. As long as she is friends with your girlfriend (which is the best way to keep it) you have limited the damage.

Besides, whats the advantage of telling your gf? Because she might ask why you didn't tell her, she might think you are lying? I doubt this is the case. (If she would ever think that you could lie about such a thing, telling her before Sandra gets her story in would not make a difference....)

And finally, at the end of the day, you have to keep working with this girl. I can only imagine that what she did was extremely out of character (you said yourself that you were shocked), she was drunk, and it can easily happen that you fall for someone that you spend alot of time with etc etc... girl has issues. Act like you forgot what even happened and try to get on with her in work. She'll hardly try it on again. The whole thing will be blown over in a month.

CrazyNoob

OP I'd tell my gf if I was you,

And I would tell the head of HR that this happened on a work night out. You were instructed by seniors to take staff out so therefore its a work night

You have a duty of care to report this to your company. Failing to do so is upmost folly on your part.
While that might sound harsh its still your responsibility to inform HR of this.
(it doesnt have to go any further or have a course of action ) but the company does need to be informed so that all parties are protected in case of any future problems

AngryBadger

Tristrame wrote: »

Nothing.Let it go away,it's Sandra's problem not yours.
Tell your Gf what happened though only on the understanding that she trusts you and won't approach Sandra with this.
Thats the end of it.

+1

King of Kings

FFS
some of the people here are hitting defcon 4 straight away for no reason.
OP talk to the girl first. she how she feels , be kind and understanding, you are not the 1st boss to be hit on - although it was a spectacular hit i must say.

Do you want to ruin your gf's friendship over one drunken mistake , which the girl prob regrets.

It would reflect badly on you in the workplace too ruining somebodys career over that. and before anybody goes on their high horse -I know HR procedure exists but if this was a once off you'll gain no kudos for reporting it.

By all means if it happens again report it. But ffs , going to a solicitor cos of a drunken come on - WHAT THE **** IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!!

Reku

King of Kings wrote: »

By all means if it happens again report it. But ffs , going to a solicitor cos of a drunken come on - WHAT THE **** IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!!

Unfortunately the world is coming to a place where people will launch and win legal battles even though they are based on lies. Being a man the OP has to be extra careful as the courts tend to side with females in sexual harrassment, rape and abuse cases since there's still the archaic believe that women are always the submissive and placid ones.
As such the OP needs to get his side of the story in as quickly as possible before the female can put a spin on the whole thing, afterall there was no-one else in the toilet with them so it will just be his word against her's.

As for ruining her career, I think you're exagerating a bit since unless it somehow makes the press or he makes a point of calling every job she applies for in the future to let them know what happened it'll have little long term impact on her career, even IF she ends up fired over it (unlikely unless she continues to act inappropriately towards the OP).

axer

farohar wrote: »

Unfortunately the world is coming to a place where people will launch and win legal battles even though they are based on lies. Being a man the OP has to be extra careful as the courts tend to side with females in sexual harrassment, rape and abuse cases since there's still the archaic believe that women are the submissive and placid ones.
As such the OP needs to get his side of the story in as quickly as possible before the female can put a spin on the whole thing, afterall there was no-one else in the toilet with them so it will just be his word against her's.

Exactly. The OP did nothing wrong so needs to ensure that there is no risk in this biting him in the ass in the future. There is a reason why HR procedure exists.

King of Kings

farohar wrote: »

Unfortunately the world is coming to a place where people will launch and win legal battles even though they are based on lies. Being a man the OP has to be extra careful as the courts tend to side with females in sexual harrassment, rape and abuse cases since there's still the archaic believe that women are the submissive and placid ones.
As such the OP needs to get his side of the story in as quickly as possible before the female can put a spin on the whole thing, afterall there was no-one else in the toilet with them so it will just be his word against her's.

while you are correct to a degree - none of this will occur based on 1 event,. he didn't rape her and there is no evidence of sexual contact so it would be hard to prove. And she would have done this by now if she was going to do it.

the OP will be able to gauge her opinion on the matter by talking to her.
Also he knows her 12 years (i'm thinking) it's unlikely that he hasn't witnessed or his missus hasn't informed him of any nutter behaviour for this girl in the past. So he'd have a good opinion what she is going to do.

anyway is it fair ruining her friendship and career over a drunken mishap.
She may have other issues in her life that the OP hasn't shared with us.
while I am in no way condoning her actions I believe that it is possible for it to be a once off and that she bitterly regrets her actions. Is she not entitled to the benefit of the doubt or a second chance??

axer

King of Kings wrote: »

while you are correct to a degree - none of this will occur based on 1 event,. he didn't rape her and there is no evidence of sexual contact so it would be hard to prove. And she would have done this by now if she was going to do it.

Allegations, no matter how lacking in evidence, can cause huge problems - even if they are based on 1 event and even if they are completely false. Would it not look suspicious if the OP had a quiet word with this girl as if he had something to hide. Questions could be asked as to why he did not report this after it happened.

King of Kings wrote: »

anyway is it fair ruining her friendship and career over a drunken mishap.
She may have other issues in her life that the OP hasn't shared with us.
while I am in no way condoning her actions I believe that it is possible for it to be a once off and that she bitterly regrets her actions. Is she not entitled to the benefit of the doubt or a second chance??

She may be entitled to a second chance but the OP should not have to take any risk in this when he has done nothing wrong. She is the one that ****ed up not him. She ruined the relationship the OP's girlfriend because she couldn't keep her tits in her bra. The OP has done nothing wrong.

CrazyNoob

axer wrote: »

Allegations, no matter how lacking in evidence, can cause huge problems - even if they are based on 1 event and even if they are completely false. Would it not look suspicious if the OP had a quiet word with this girl as if he had something to hide. Questions could be asked as to why he did not report this after it happened.

Agreed

ITs not a case of getting her sacked etc etc or taking action against her,
ITs about this going on HR record for the purposes of protecting all parties including the company. (himself and her included)

The OP should know that he has a duty of care to report this to the company

I'm not even going to point out the number of possible what ifs that can occur by failing in his duty of care

LegacyUser

I work in HR and must tell you that if you choose to report it to HR they will investigate it even if you ask them not to and she will most likely be fired. She may then take an unfair dismissal case and you would obviously be the primary witness. So just bear this in mind.. I would tell your girlfriend though.

Linoge

CrazyNoob wrote: »

The OP should know that he has a duty of care to report this to the company

I'm not even going to point out the number of possible what ifs that can occur by failing in his duty of care

Will you stop saying duty of care! You obviously don't know what it means:rolleyes: This is absolutely nothing to do with duty of care.

The majority of people in here are making the assumption that everything will be fine as soon as this is reported, the first blow is worth 2. Wake up, it is not. If he goes any further than a quick chat with HR, ie a complaint, telling his gf, anything that could escelate this to more than it is ( a drunken moment) things could get nasty. The girl could still go and accuse the OP of all kinds of things etc, and is in fact more likely to do so to save face.

Forgetting about the whole thing is the safest option.

dodgyme

lets put in perspective. She hit on the OP he said no (thats it), move on and forget about. Dont bother telling your GF or HR or anybody, just forget about it.

dame

How are people so sure that a quick chat with HR would stay confidential? They would want to write it down and then it'll be on a file in an office, some young one will come in read it, confidentially tell it to her friend etc. Before he knows it the OP could be accused of making stuff up and spreading rumours. I reckon if he wants to put it on record anywhere, then possibly the getting it written down and locked away somewhere secure (by a witness to the written tale) would probably be best.

OP, could you volunteer the girl for a new project or team at work? You don't have to be negative, in fact you could say "she was excellent, just look at the result of the last project she was on". Stay away from her and if there is any night out again, go home when the majority of people do and don't be left with just a small group of drunk people that includes her.

wazzoraybelle

You need to tell your girlfriend. As for the work side of it I would keep it to a brief conversation with her along the lines of.... I know you were drunk bla bla but it was totally inappropriate and will have no option but to make a report were anything like this to reoccur.

I would think the poor girl is already mortified!!! no need to get fired.

kowloon

I agree with you in principal King of Kings, but if i was in the OPs position i would ensure a neutral party knew and it was recorded.
OP is very vulnerable to accusations, if it ever came to his word vs. hers it will be a disaster for him, which story sounds more likely?

If i read correctly he's the manager who wanted her in the company

Don't get me wrong, it's probably a case of her being too embarrassed to ever even mention it again like wazzoraybelle said, but just to be sure, cover yourself before you talk to her and run that 1% risk of things hitting the fan.

SeanSouth

A junior staff member got drunk on company alcohol at a company "do"
which was initiated by the company - The company supplied funds as I understand it to go on the "piss". The staff member while drunk indulged in some non-characteristic drunken activity in the gents loo.

Answer
Have a quiet word in your boss's ear to record the event.
Otherwise keep your lips sealed and consider whether there might be a better way to facilitate staff piss ups in the future. Have a quiet word also with the lady in question and set her straight.

Its very easy to destroy someones reputation frienships and relationships and in my mind that is not warranted in this case.Everyone makes mistakes. Move on. No blue flashing lights, no blaring sirens.

the_syco

King of Kings wrote: »

By all means if it happens again report it. But ffs , going to a solicitor cos of a drunken come on - WHAT THE **** IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!!

Welcome to the real world, where b|tchs try to get promoted using sex, blackmail, and lies.

King of Kings wrote: »

while you are correct to a degree - none of this will occur based on 1 event,. he didn't rape her and there is no evidence of sexual contact so it would be hard to prove. And she would have done this by now if she was going to do it.

Proving you've not done something that she is claiming you did, if you don't know what she is claiming you did is hard to do.

Linoge wrote: »

Forgetting about the whole thing is the safest option.

Untill she cries rape when she fails to get a promotion next time, saying she was promised it if "she kept quite"... "and sure if he was innocent, why didn't he report it, unless he had something to hide, laddie?"

=-=

At the end of the day, you:
a) are a man
b) have a penis
c) are her boss

...so if sh|t hits the fan, she'll be innocent until proven guilty. You, on the other hand, have nothing to hide, but people will wonder why you hid if you were innocent.

=-=

Again, I say get it on statement. Your solicitor should know of a way to do this, so that in the event of a court case in 3 months, or 5 years, you'll have a written statement to fall back on, instead of trying to remember what happened. You may not have to approach your company, or get them involved at all, but for your own safety, get a statement logged now.

Reku

Unrego126 wrote: »

I work in HR and must tell you that if you choose to report it to HR they will investigate it even if you ask them not to and she will most likely be fired. She may then take an unfair dismissal case and you would obviously be the primary witness. So just bear this in mind.. I would tell your girlfriend though.

Unless the OP lodges a formal complaint the company is then also at risk of a suit over invasion of privacy since without the formal complaint and accompanying request to deal with it for him they are entering a legal grey area as to whether the fact that the company was paying for the booze makes it still on the job or personal time. (if it's still on the job they then risk a future unfair dismissal/discrimination if staff go drinking during their lunch-break and get fired for it)
It's like if 2 staff have a relationship and break-up, as long as it all goes on outside office hours the company has no right to meddle/investigate it unless either of the involved parties makes a formal complaint against the other.

E.g. I work with people who everyone knows take drugs (they're quite open about it) but since they never do so in work or let it affect their work HR can't touch them.

Just because HR are aware of something does not give them the right to put involved parties under the microscope.

How Strange

the_syco....At the end of the day, you:
a) are a man
b) have a penis
c) are her boss

...so if sh|t hits the fan, she'll be innocent until proven guilty. You, on the other hand, have nothing to hide, but people will wonder why you hid if you were innocent.

I disagree here as in my experience, this type of thing always reflects worse on the woman rather than the man regardless of the situation. Women are rarely believed if they make a claim of harassement and are treated like they are just a little too sensitive. Believe it or not but a lot women do have to put up with sexual harrassment in work because it is not taken seriously enough by HR/management. And the claims always harm the woman's professional integrity much more than the man's.

In this particular situation, the OP is in the right, he has nothing to hide so he should record the events with someone who can be trusted to keep it quiet until such time as he may need it. I would say HR are the best people to talk to.

Also, although I disagree with Syco, I would say that sh&t sticks especially professionally and the OP doesn't want to be known as the randy manager who drops the hand on his staff on a drunken night out. If an allegation is made then it will be very hard to refute it unless he has made the statement to HR.

dodgyme

How Strange wrote: »

this type of thing always reflects worse on the woman rather than the man regardless of the situation. Women are rarely believed if they make a claim of harassement .

hah? you must be joking. Anything to do with s$x and harrasment etc always is bias in favour of the women. Come on everyone knows this.

My comments to the OP show this (i..e. forget it and move on). This is how a man deals with it.

Imagine if it was the man groping the woman and her telling him to p$ss off and him stripping and grabing her. Well I guarentee you the women posting replies here if that was the case would not be a generous with their sentiment and the fella posting their replies. Seriously dont know where the hell you are coming from!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

axer

dodgyme wrote: »

hah? you must be joking. Anything to do with s$x and harrasment etc always is bias in favour of the women. Come on everyone knows this.

My comments to the OP show this (i..e. forget it and move on). This is how a man deals with it.

Imagine if it was the man groping the woman and her telling him to p$ss off and him stripping and grabing her. Well I guarentee you the women posting replies here if that was the case would not be a generous with their sentiment and the fella posting their replies. Seriously dont know where the hell you are coming from!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats true. If the OP had been a girl and one of the workers dropped his pants, pushed her back onto the toilet and started groping the girl etc then people would see it differently I think - people would be saying report the assault to the gardai. Equality works both ways - just recording what happened with HR is letting this go lightly and is being fair on the girl (overly fair if you ask me considering what would have happened if the OP had acted like the girl to the girl).

Pigletlover

Linoge wrote: »

Forgetting about the whole thing is the safest option.

Assuming the female co-worker forgets about it and doesn't later decide to turn things around.

OP, you need to tell your girlfriend. This girl is supposed to be her friend but friends don't try to get off with other people's partners. You don't know what this girl is capable of. It may just have been a drunken mistake that she now regrets, or she may feel humiliated that you rejected her and could be plotting her revenge. By telling your girlfriend what happened you are showing that you have nothing to hide, I know that if my boyfriend kept something like this from me and I later found out about I would be highly suspicious. I wouldn't be too worried about 'ruining their friendship', I think your girlfriend could do without friends like that.

You should mention it to someone at a management level in work also, explaining that you don't want the incident to be investigated but that you are just covering yourself in case anything was ever to come of it.