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At the Movies

  • 19-11-2007 10:07pm
    #1
    dak
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭


    An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

    The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

    The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

    "I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

    He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

    The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    "Marge", whispered Mildred.

    "What", said Marge.

    "I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.

    "What makes you think that", asked Marge.

    "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

    "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

    "I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."


    *****************************************************************

    Scribbled across a toilet wall:

    To be is to do - Jean Paul Sartre
    To do is to be - Karl Marx
    Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra

    *************************************************************
    Roses are red

    Violets are blue

    I'm schizophrenic

    And so am I


    *******************************************************

    Actual Answers from Larry Googans "Just a minute quiz"

    1. Something a blind man might use?
    A sword

    2. A Song with the word Moon in the title?
    Blue Suede Moon

    3. Name the Capital of France?
    "F"

    4. Name a bird with a long neck?
    Naomi Campbell

    5. Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
    A burglar

    6. Where is the Taj Mahal?
    Opposite the dental hospital

    7. What is Hitler's first name
    Heil

    8. As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
    A pig in sh*t

    9. Some famous brothers
    Bonnie and Clyde.

    10. A dangerous race
    The Arabs

    11. Something that floats in a bath
    Water

    12. An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
    A horse

    13. Something you wear on a beach
    A deck-chair

    14. A famous Royal
    Mail

    15. Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
    A bicycle with wings

    16. A famous bridge
    The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

    17. Something a cat does
    Goes to the toilet

    18. Something you do in the bathroom
    Decorate

    19. A method of securing your home
    Put the kettle on

    20. Something associated with pigs
    The Police

    21. A sign of the Zodiac
    April

    22. Something people might be allergic to
    Skiing

    23. Something you do before you go to bed
    Sleep

    24. Something you put on walls
    A roof

    25. Something slippery
    A con-man

    26. A kind of ache
    A fillet of fish

    27. A Jacket Potato topping
    Jam

    28. A food that can be brown or white
    A potato

    29. A famous Scotsman
    Jock

    30. A famous Welshman
    Vinnie Jones

    31. Something you open other than a door
    Your bowels


    ****************************************************************8
    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


    ****************************************************************

    A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

    The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."


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