Usual poor me posting!

LegacyUser

Hey all

Question for the lads really.

Right Im 28, single, like sports, beer ect and I've never had a girlfriend and more than likely never will.
My problem is in the looks department, I stand in a league of my own!! I've been told many times that Ive a face that only a mother would love (although not my own mother, apparently I put her off her dinner!!)

Im not the best at talking to members of the opposite sex. I've never chatted up a woman or pulled. I have been known to be quite ignorant at times towards them although In my opinion thats more down to shyness/nothing to say rather than me intentionally being rude. On nights out Im always left on my own as the rest of my mates usually have all pulled , and when I do manage to get talking to a woman they usually are getting paid to do it (i.e. the barstaff).

Don't get me wrong Im not one of these guys who hates women, I've 4 sisters and I usually get on ok with them but I don't think that really makes the slightest bit of difference.
That saying of there's plenty of fish in the sea doesn't apply here as I'm stuck in a small fish bowl!

Its a confidence issue which I've had all through my teenage years and 20's - stems fom years of bullying. I suffer from everything you'd else you'd expect with it, anxiety problems, nerves/studder at times, self loathing. . . . . the usual crap.
I've been to councilling over it but It didn't do me very much good.

Anyway enough rambling i'll just get straight to the point. I've decided that Im giving up on women forever, I've accepted that its never gonna happen. So what I want to now is what else is out there thats fun in life besides women?
Are there any other guys out there who are the same as me and enjoy other things besides being constantly rejected?

Heres how see my options so far:


(a) Keep trying, bound to meet some poor, desperate (more than likely blind) girl who will take pitty on me?

(b) Do everyone a favour and climb into the bath with the toaster! It'll mean the everyone else won't have to put up with my whinging and moaning?

(c) Get myself straight down to the nearest Games workshop store.I'll be welcome there with open arms there they're full of losers like me who also havn't got a chance!

(d) Forget women all together and concentrate on ..........(please fill in the blank)

Just looking for a few short suggestions really!

Thanks!

Shellie13

dont give up on women altogether for a start!

perhaps take the focus off meeting someone temporaily and partake in a new hobby-join a tennis club or golf if uyou want interaction with both sexes, a charity, some local organisation.

Partaking in something new and meeting new people could be a good way to build up your confidence.

You might want to consider councilling again to help you deal with the confidence issue also.
Maybe someone new will have a differnet effect-dont rule iut all after your past experiances.

If you get on with your sisters maybe you could talk to them?
They may be able to reassure you and even give you a little insight into the world of women!

Your focus now should be on learning to be content with yourself in a social enviorment not on pulling!
The more relaxed you become around people with no expectations the more you will be prepared for the future.

Looks seem to be a big issue for you. this is where your sisters might comwe in handy- get a new haircut- buy a teeth whitening kit, new clothes. Hey we're not all brad pitts but everyone has their own appeal and a friendly face and warm smile is worth a dozen sixpacks!

fuzzywiggle

No I wouldn't say you should give up on women. If you give up all hope and don't make any effort then you're cutting your chances down and probably wont meet someone. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't well it's not meant to be.
Now I'll just be honest here and just come out with it, i've seen very ugly looking people in relationships. Both men and women who really aren't attractive in my eyes, and most peoples eyes, BUT there's someone out there who obviously thinks they're gorgeous. Now I'm guessing you're not half as bad as you're making out so just keep positive. Good luck!

It sounds to me like you haven't taken up hope on women.
I haven't one single female friend who would chat up a man, nevermind one giving off an unapproachable air.
I can't help feeling that you are overestimating your lack of visual appeal.
Even if you weren't looks aren't that important for women.

You've mentioned that your stuck in a small pond, why not devolp your interpersonal skills by going traveling? I think for an apprenticeship in pulling the US is the best.

10-10-20

I have a friend who you could say was quite similar and he was getting down with it all. He'd have difficulty pulling, 'crashed and burned' every night out, but never gave up trying. He's a pure gentleman and a funny bloke at that, he had a lot going for him in other ways!

Anyway, 2.5 years ago he met a friend of a friend, got on like a house on fire (I'd more say the neighbours thought it was an earthquake) and he got married this year!

So, just take it as it goes. From your post you seem to have a good outlook on life, lighthearted and that, and a good sense of humour - let them do the talking for you. You'll probably find that nightclubs aren't the best for pulling, more-so nights out with friends where you get chatting to other people socially instead of being on boose fueled pullin' missions!

BoozyBabe

I have limited time to answer this, so please don't take the bluntness as being harsh.

My Ex also had a face (& body, & dress sense) made for radio!!
You know what? It didn't matter in the slightest. He was a great guy who made me laugh alot.
I'm no model, but I'm not ugly either & many people did wonder why I was with him.
Again, that didn't matter. I knew why I was with him, & I was with him for 5 years.
Looks meant diddly-squat, & I don't think I'm a unique species.
I was physically attracted to him because we had a great chemistry.

Why did we break up?
His attitude. I got SO tired listening to it, & tbh, you sound V similar to him. Nobody loves me, I'm worthless, I'm useless, etc, etc, etc.......
Over & over & over.

You're not getting women not because you don't have model looks but because you can't see a reason for them to be with you, so why should they.
You're screaming "I'm a Loser" & you know you best afterall, so if that's the advertisement, then why would anyone be interested?

Just go & be a cheeky chappy! Go & be friendly, witty & whatever, who's not on a mission to score, who's just out for a laugh, who's full of energy & not down on himself & you'll be very surprised of the outcome.

Mark my words!!

W0LFMAN

(d) Forget women all together and concentrate on .........."Solo travelling around europe/Asia/America."

You will see things women can't show you, you will feel things woman can't give you.

I'm sure you will be full...

honru

The four options that you have laid out on the table for yourself speak in numbers about your self-esteem. Building confidence is a very slow process, but it is achievable, and only if you want it.

Lux23

Quit going to Fibbers for a start. The same people have been going there for the last 20 years and most of them haven't pulled. Is your problem that you have no interest in talking about things that bore you? My advice that when talking to women is to ask questions about them and forget what you can say about yourself. The conversation will start to flow if you show interest in another's job or hobbies etc.

As for your looks, its not the most important thing is anyone's book so stop thinking about it. Women are shallow in some ways but we do tend to fall for men who aren't percieved as 'classically goodlooking' all the time.

coolhandc

BoozyBabe wrote: »

You're not getting women not because you don't have model looks but because you can't see a reason for them to be with you, so why should they.
You're screaming "I'm a Loser" & you know you best afterall, so if that's the advertisement, then why would anyone be interested?

Just go & be a cheeky chappy! Go & be friendly, witty & whatever, who's not on a mission to score, who's just out for a laugh, who's full of energy & not down on himself & you'll be very surprised of the outcome.

Mark my words!!

completely agree with you, one of my favourite sayings is "if YOU cant love yourself then how can anyone else love you"
if all your friends you go out with are scoring the whole time too and your not then thats damaging for your self confidence.if you feel like your going to be left alone at the end of the night dont go out with them that night.i suppose when theres pressure put on you to score, your not going to.i guess it will just happen,concentrate more on what traits you have that would appeal to girls like a sense of humour.the rest will look after itself just stop worrying about it, and enjoy your own company for the moment...

How Strange

OP, have you ever heard the phrase 'there's a lid for every jar'?

I believe its true. I also believe that when you meet someone you are interested in it doesn't matter if they are George Clooney or they fell from the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down. The physical attraction will make them seem good looking to the other person.

You are wallowing in self pity and that is extremely unattractive. Who wants to be around someone who thinks they are worthless because they aren't good looking enough?

Most girls would say that sense of humour is top of the list for what they find attractive in men.

Get out there and take up some interests. Fill your time with sports, activities or whatever so you don't have any time to sit around and contemplate what you don't have.

BaZmO*

Whatsmyname? wrote: »

(b) Do everyone a favour and climb into the bath with the toaster! It'll mean the everyone else won't have to put up with my whinging and moaning?

Would you be attracted to somebody that whinged and moaned all the time?

I'm not saying that you have to take such drastic action as a high voltage bath but you do need to reassess you outlook on life (that sounds ponsy I know but negative and moany people aren't very attractive).

You say you end up talking to the barstaff at the end of the night, why don't you just try and talk to some women?

Gemini Sister

Hi OP,

I bet things aren't nearly as bad as you think they are.

Confidence is the issue here, not looks. Also, I'm not suggesting you change who you are or be 'sleazy' but the guys who pull in bars will generally talk to ten girls in a night, going from one to the other, til they find success/chemistry with one. So maybe simply 'tough it out', don't let one (or even five!) rejections get to you. You may feel foolish at first but you will begin to develope a thicker skin, but just try to have some craic along the way. The girls may then see you're not taking it all too seriously, so may be more inclined to chat and then discover your sense of humour.
Somebody said you go to fibbers... I won't consider that a great place to meet someone TBH.

kowloon

Lux23 wrote: »

Quit going to Fibbers for a start

Seconded.

MagicMarker

Online dating. Give it a try.

kowloon

MagicMarker wrote: »

Online dating. Give it a try.

Don't know if thats a great idea, you need to be good at chatting up people for that, would be even more difficult than a pub environment for some.

daiixi

Sounds like you're going to the wrong places with the wrong attitude. Either go along to nights out with the view of having given up trying to pick up a chick and just go with the flow. But if you're constantly going to places where people are just out to pull with low self esteem and high desperation no woman will go near you. People can smell desperation a mile off.

MagicMarker

kowloon wrote: »

Don't know if thats a great idea, you need to be good at chatting up people for that, would be even more difficult than a pub environment for some.

I don't really know where you're getting that from. That's not my experience from it anyway, and i have never chatted up a woman in a bar.

kowloon

MagicMarker wrote: »

I don't really know where you're getting that from. That's not my experience from it anyway, and i have never chatted up a woman in a bar.

Was badly phrased, not suggesting bars are great for chatting up, just that chatting someone up online is a one to one thing that would be very difficult, no wing-men or anyone to back you up, i've never done it myself, but i would find it difficult.

SarahSassy

Whatsmyname? wrote: »

I have been known to be quite ignorant at times towards them although In my opinion thats more down to shyness/nothing to say rather than me intentionally being rude.

People dont know you are shy and not rude....

Start by being nice to people and who knows what may happen. Many, many people have confidence issues and many people have being bullied but its not an excuse for treating other people like dogs....

Looks are really not an issue when it comes to finding a partner.... Its your self confidence and overall persona.... You seem to have a defeatist attitude which doesnt help. Put the past in the past, be nice to people and dont give up....

supertramp

Whatsmyname? wrote: »

Hey all

Question for the lads really.

Right Im 28, single, like sports, beer ect and I've never had a girlfriend and more than likely never will.
My problem is in the looks department, I stand in a league of my own!! I've been told many times that Ive a face that only a mother would love (although not my own mother, apparently I put her off her dinner!!)

Im not the best at talking to members of the opposite sex. I've never chatted up a woman or pulled. I have been known to be quite ignorant at times towards them although In my opinion thats more down to shyness/nothing to say rather than me intentionally being rude. On nights out Im always left on my own as the rest of my mates usually have all pulled , and when I do manage to get talking to a woman they usually are getting paid to do it (i.e. the barstaff).

Don't get me wrong Im not one of these guys who hates women, I've 4 sisters and I usually get on ok with them but I don't think that really makes the slightest bit of difference.
That saying of there's plenty of fish in the sea doesn't apply here as I'm stuck in a small fish bowl!

Its a confidence issue which I've had all through my teenage years and 20's - stems fom years of bullying. I suffer from everything you'd else you'd expect with it, anxiety problems, nerves/studder at times, self loathing. . . . . the usual crap.
I've been to councilling over it but It didn't do me very much good.

Anyway enough rambling i'll just get straight to the point. I've decided that Im giving up on women forever, I've accepted that its never gonna happen. So what I want to now is what else is out there thats fun in life besides women?
Are there any other guys out there who are the same as me and enjoy other things besides being constantly rejected?

Heres how see my options so far:


(a) Keep trying, bound to meet some poor, desperate (more than likely blind) girl who will take pitty on me?

(b) Do everyone a favour and climb into the bath with the toaster! It'll mean the everyone else won't have to put up with my whinging and moaning?

(c) Get myself straight down to the nearest Games workshop store.I'll be welcome there with open arms there they're full of losers like me who also havn't got a chance!

(d) Forget women all together and concentrate on ..........(please fill in the blank)

Just looking for a few short suggestions really!

Thanks!

I would have been in the same boat as you. Exept that i am a bit younger at 23.
Saying you are giving up on women seems a harsh thing to do. In fact I think that's the best thing. Not because you wouldn't find someone special, but because it will be easier to find real love if your not looking.
You can't 'find' love, it finds you.
If you start looking you will turn a blind eye to things that in clearity you wouldn't like. I mean when I was looking I never found, as I was forcing myself to like someone, try to make believe that I had something in common with them.
If you stop looking, you will (with time) become comfortable with that, and then the real you is shown, which will have results.
I said I would be celebate for the rest of my life. I really was. I wouldn't bother smiling at girls who smiled at me. But now I am in touch with someone who admits is falling for me. There are no nerves, as I wasn't looking for it, it found me.
I'm sure you will find it the same. Plus, looks don't matter as much as people think.
So, relax, you're still young.

guy_awoke

Well, I can top your 28 unless you don't meet someone in the next few years as I was 33 before someone decided I was worth seeing. With regards to how you look no one can really comment on that but all the women in the world could think you're the most handsome guy ever and it won't make a bit of a difference if you don't approach them, look around you....are all these shifters in bars and nite clubs male model material? Of course not, they're the same regular Tom, Dick and Harry's you've know all your life who've learned the latest pick up lines and techniques in this month's magazine and have learnt to press all the right buttons at the right time. It's to your credit that you've seen beyond that and shows that you do respect women, whether they realise it or not.

Women send out confusing, ambiguous signals and it took me a long time to realise that. You never really know if they are interested in you or not until you bite the bullet and get to know them a bit more, even then it's not easy to interpret their intentions.

Anyways, with regards to your options, really there is nothing at all unusual about concentrating on other directions completely. Being able to be without someone is a strength, it's something a lot of guys couldn't do. All you need to do is apply yourself to channel it into something useful. You'll be a more confident person as a result.

BraziliaNZ

I would consider myself a good looking guy and fit in good shape etc., and I have no problem talking to women, I just can't cross the talking as friends to the ramming your tongue down their throat line. That's been my problem all my life. Sometimes bouts of confidence/witticisms come out of nowhere that can wow the odd woman or 2, but that happens about once every 3 years!!

I haven't been laid since april OP, if that makes you feel any better, and can't see it happening for a long time.
To be honest I was thinking about this earlier, what someone would do if they were HIDEOUSLY ugly, had a hairlip, burnt face or something. I mean if you're that bad you're pretty much screwed, unless you find an equally hideous girl and be really nice to her, or get extremely lucky with a half-decent looking one. Plus the having difficulty talking to women thing is going to make things 10 times worse. As for the person who suggested "Go and be a cheeky chappy", could you elaborate on that? What if you're just not this "cheeky" type that women seem to dig so much? You can't just become that cheeky fellow whenever you want! Did you ever think that there may be more to a character than the facade they present in the bar/club scene?

Perhaps you could try and make up for the face by getting into ridiculously good shape? Might boost your confidence too?
I left the country years ago because I was bored and frustrated, think about doing that too, you usually get so preoccupied with other stuff that you don't have so much time to worry about women/lifetime of lonely misery.

And how ugly are we talking here? Like Mask ugly? Simon Weston?

Movershaker

This won't be a particularly constructive post, but I just wanted to say that despite how you perceive yourself physically, your post really made me laugh. And I mean the humour in it, not your plight! You obviously have a great sense of humour ("yeah great" I hear you groan) but with a bit of confidence in yourself that is a really killer combination.

I know one guy in particular who wouldn't be a looker by any stretch of the imagination (imo of course) but he has this great confidence about him, he's really funny and a very intelligent go-getter. I have to say, despite myself I find that very attractive (I'm a girl btw). Another thing, when he goes abroad the women can't get enough of him!

Don't give up OP, stop looking for girls in the obvious places and work on your confidence. When you are ready someone will come along! (Trouble is you rarely realise when you are ready until they arrive...)

LegacyUser

Hey all

Thanks for all of the kind responses. They all seem to be heading in the same general direction of getting my sh*t together confidence wise!

Where did fibbers come into it? I've never been near the place!