How do I feel better about myself?

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Going unreg for this one. Just wanted to post about certain feelings I've had about myself recently. I'm single for nearly four years now, having been through 4 relationships in a row. Two good, two not so good, but all of them incredibly valuable in terms of what I learned about myself and how to conduct myself in relationships! Anyway, I've recently gotten the old pangs for a new relationship. I've tried approaching a few girls, all with negative results, at one point, I even got laughed at. You can imagine how that felt! Now, I know I'm a good guy, and I've been told by the girls I know (all of whom are in relationships!) that any girl would be lucky to have me.

However, I cant help thinking I'm not a good looking guy. I was a little overweight when younger and got a helluva hard time over it. I spent one year working hard on the problem, and I lost the weight. I've looked after myself since then, and while I'm no Adonis, I'm not unfit either. But when it comes to my looks, I cant help but feel I'm pug-fugly and destined to be alone because of it. The few times I got knocked back really knocked the confidence of an already shy (at first) guy. I even tried the old interweb dating thing, but that was a complete disaster and not exactly a booster to the old confidence!

Now I know I should get over myself. And there are times I do go 'screw all that, I amn't bad at all! It's not your looks, those girls just didn't know you' Unfortunately I cant sustain these thoughts. I'd just love to be a little more confident in myself. I've a good life, and a good personality, so I do really consider myself to be quite lucky in that respect! Believe me, I don't go around self-flagelating and crying 'woe is me!' But I'd just either love to not care about finding someone, or have a little more confidence in myself! Anyone have any advice?

Thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings of someone who should really know better!

the hero game

i dunno man, you can't be that unattractive if you've had four relationships in a row!.. so four girls in quick succession liked u enough physically and otherwise to commit to you.. and two of the relationships were good ones u said.. so i'm sure you're better looking than u think..

and just on this, i'm often really strongly attracted to girls who other guys wouldn't think are atall attractive uknow, so it works both ways mehopes.. just be patient..

w. internet dating, i did that recently and i did end up meeting a couple of really nice women.. i even sort of went out with one for a while, and tho' it was mutually short-lived it was a really nice experince getting to know her..

so don't rule out trying that again, u have to be persistent though and if u get chatting via email first it'll be like u know them pretty well before u even organise meeting in person..

best wishes

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, hero game. Thing is, I had long hair back then, and I've begun to lose my hair, and shave my head now! I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, and I'm kinda laughing away to myself as I type it, but I feel like Samson, and losing the hair lost me all my powers!! I did get chatting to one girl online, but when we exchanged photos, BAM! Never heard from her again! I will be patient though, you're right there. I guess sometimes I see my friends who are married by now (they're 28, I'm 26) and I think '****, I better get on this, time is running out!' Silly as that is! Patience is a virtue, as they say. I just need to accept that!

deathstarkiller

I have an idea what you're going through. I'm 34 and most of my mates are in relationships or married. I've begun losing my hair a little too, not at the shaving my hair stage .....yet. Anyway I'm not great with the ladies but I've come to the decision that's it's better to not actually try too hard. Get yourself as many hobbies as possible, some that involve other people. One: It'll keep you busy and you'll probably enjoy yourself a lot more and Two: you'll probably end up making a few new friends.
For example: I joined a gym, took up yoga (I'm hopeless ), joined a drama group and I've done a few drama classes. I've made friends, I don't have a girlfriend right now but I am working on it. The drama has given me more confidence too.
That's my advice, get busy and you might start enjoying yourself a lot more.

the hero game

hey my hairline has been receeding faster than linford christie for years now.. i shave my head every few months now and get told i look like moby all the time as a result.. ! ..
think the advice above is so true, don't try too hard and suddenly u'll be surprised..

karen3212

I think beauty is definately in the eye of the beholder. I don't know if you've seen the show, where people rated the looks of the opposite sex, it turned out in that instance that they rated highly their own images morphed so they looked like the opposite sex.....so a lot of people are attracted to people that look similar to themselves(of course other people are more attracted to people who look completely different). tbh I think the most important thing about attractiveness is how happy you are with yourself, if you are happy with your own life, on your own, I bet you will seem 10x more attractive. Also smile if you are out, it looks great. I don't know about exchanging photos over the net, I don't really like photos of myself, so perhaps you could arrange to meet before you exchange photos, people are completely different in real life to what their photo suggests, remember too that one of the ways our genes look for a mate is via smell, so I'd meet people before exchanging photos.

LegacyUser

I guess I should shower in that case! :oD But yeah, I could do with being a bit happier in myself! I've a good life and good friends, so if I'm patient, the rest will fall into place with time. Thank you for replying

LegacyUser

lower your standards

if only for a while.

bronte

Hi op, you sound lovely!
The one thing I will say is that relationships never seem to appear when we're actively looking for them.
try take the focus off finding someone for a while and see how you get on.
Any girl who laughs at you is NOT worth your time. That's coming from a girl.
It's the most disrespectful , unmannerly thing I can think of.
Please see this as a LUCKY escape!
You come across lovely in your posts..I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before you're snapped up,until then have fun!

Dr.Nightdub

OP, a friend gave me good advice years ago: "Nobody's gonna love you as much as you want them to until you love yourself that much first."

Forget the weight thing, from what you said, it's history anyway since you got on top of it. Your body's your body, you can't take it in for an upgrade so just concentrate on doing your best for the one you've got.

Forget the looks thing too. if you're anything like the rest of the planet, you probably look around you in a pub or club and think "Yeah...no...no...yeah...no...yeah." I do it, you do it and I'm pretty sure that mysterious other half of the human race do it too. Don't assume that you won't be somebody's "Yeah"

LegacyUser

As much as the "don't try too hard and it'll all work out nicely" advice gives you the warm fuzzy feeling it might be a good idea to get out there and put in some serious work while theres still hope.

Assuming you're getting nowhere at all its going to get more difficult with time and at some point you could end up becoming so cynical and bitter about it that forming a trusting relationship with anyone will be all but impossible.

SarahSassy

http://thesecret.tv/home.html

Positive thinking.... I know it sounds very Oprah-ish but it does have some truth in it....

LegacyUser

Many thanks for the replies folks, and I certainly will take the advice on board! deathstarkiller, just on a side-note, where do you do the drama group? I've been meaning to go back to drama for a while, and I wouldn't mind a reccomendation!

deathstarkiller

Downonmylooks wrote: »

deathstarkiller, just on a side-note, where do you do the drama group? I've been meaning to go back to drama for a while, and I wouldn't mind a reccomendation!

I've done a few courses with Kathleen Yeates in Dublin and they're very good. Not sure if I'm supposed to give out details so if you search for Kathleen Yeates and Abbey you should find more info. I live in Newbridge so I joined the local drama group also. I'm sure there's a local group you could join. Don't worry too much about joining a drama group, more people just do it for the confidence boost than you'd think.

Petey2006

Many thanks!

Puteq

Downonmylooks wrote: »

I did get chatting to one girl online, but when we exchanged photos, BAM! Never heard from her again!

I have never tried the internet dating game, what with being ball-and-chained for a long time, but one thing i would say straight away is when you go through that medium, the main attribute of you that a person will perceive is your physical appearance. Whereas if you meet someone in person, they get to know your personality first, which will help unless you are an a$$hole (which i'm sure yer not). I know people who are definitely not good looking but can have their pick of women, mainly to do with personality, and specifically good sense of humour. Women seem to love that