How Do I Get My Boyfriend to EAT?

Dinxminx

When we started going out he was a healthy weight, though I know he felt self-conscious. In the last few months, however he's cut back on his eating (in a rather drastic way) and has lost a huge amount of weight.

I don't want to say I liked him more before, but it was nice to sit on his lap without having his hip bone dig into me, and I liked it that he was big and... manly, I guess.

Now, although he thinks he looks great, he still hasn't gone back to eating normally - he has a protein shake in the morning, does weights for ages, and then has a yogurt or something similarly small.

When he comes over to mine he says he's already had dinner or he's not hungry. I know he's happier with his appearance but I'm not, and when I tell him he was fine before he says "what? when I was FAT?" and then complains that I'm not being ''supportive''.

I love him but I have no idea what to do to make him eat - he's becoming skin and bone! Even other people are remarking on it ("he looks like a skeleton!") and then asking me why I don't make him eat more!! How am I supposed to do that?

Does anybody have any suggestions? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm getting worried!

Lothaar

Get him to read the stickies at the top of this forum!

Dinxminx

He won't. He thinks Boards is ''geeky'' and won't go near it..

Jimmy Bottlehead

The first thing you need to do is figure out why he started thinking the way he does, and why he wants to be so skinny.This seems to be more of a mental issue than a physical one - he could have anorexia, or some other issues. Just talk with him, and best of luck to both of you.

Dragan

Dinxminx wrote: »

He won't. He thinks Boards is ''geeky'' and won't go near it..

He came to the beers though, wonder why he didn't tell us that then!

The simple fact is you can't make him do or be what he doesn't want to do or be.

Sucks but it's true.

20 Times 20 Times

Dinxminx wrote: »

He won't. He thinks Boards is ''geeky'' and won't go near it..

Your boyfriend is a SPA !

Jumpy

It could be from mis-information as well. He might be assuming that the protein shake is enough to build muscle when weight lifting.
CJ has a good point about the mental side of it too.

KlondikePaddy

Dinxminx wrote: »

He won't. He thinks Boards is ''geeky'' and won't go near it..

Has he good friends that you could confide in or do you know any of his family well enough to confide in them?

Dragan

Sarge wrote: »

Your boyfriend is a SPA !

You should know better.

Keep it up and it's a paddling.

20 Times 20 Times

Dragan wrote: »

You should know better.

Keep it up and it's a paddling.

Sir , I do apologies its just these types of thread that drive me insane.I would love to go on about how i think this belongs in after hours but hey i respect the boundary's .


on a side note , I was going to Pm you can you recommend me a supplement to speed up my metabolism.

thank you kind sir.

justsomebloke

Dragan wrote: »

He came to the beers though, wonder why he didn't tell us that then!

I'm thinking we should get him down to pinnacle to train with us.



but more importantly to eddie's after for a proper "weights" feeding

Dragan

Sarge wrote: »

Sir , I do apologies its just these types of thread that drive me insane.I would love to go on about how i think this belongs in after hours but hey i respect the boundary's .


on a side note , I was going to Pm you can you recommend me a supplement to speed up my metabolism.

thank you kind sir.

Not to worry.

THe best thing to speed up you metabolism is to move my friend. About the only things that genuinely work are both illegal i fear.

Supplements by themselves are simply a means to an end, the best you can ever hope for from a fatloss supplement is a bit more energy and some appetite suppression i fear.

faceman

OP, i would suggest you speak to someone in one of those eating disorder support groups who can give me better advice on how to deal with it.

Lothaar

Dinxminx wrote: »

He won't. He thinks Boards is ''geeky'' and won't go near it..

Ok, well it does sound like he's being guided by misinformation. How about YOU read the stickies and pass on the good info? Then you'll be supporting him, without enabling him to tread the path to skeleton city.

He can avoid being fat without starving himself. If he's committed to restructuring his diet (which he's already done) and working out (which he already does) then it's just a matter of helping him to get it right.

Get him to sign up for www.fitday.com. There he can see how many calories he's consuming and balance them against the amount of exercise he does. He'll get much more bang for his buck out of the exercise he's doing if he eats right and he'll pack on good muscle instead of the fat he dislikes so much.

If you get involved, it'll be much easier to influence him. Once he cops on, he'll thank you for it.

rubadub

Is there any of his mates that lift? maybe have a quiet word with them, and they could subtley mention it.

i.e. if I knew him I could be down the pub and ask
"so hows the weights going, I am increasing my lifts around 5% every month or so" or maybe overestimate the gains so his appear relatively small

If he is not eating enough he will not really be gaining that much strength, i.e. not enough calories for sufficient muscle gain which will result in low strength gains.

He might then comment that he hasnt gained much strength recently, and it could be subtley replied "yeah, I have to eat a fair amount for any gains, I was worried about putting on fat but it didnt happen, just muscle really goes on, no point losing fat to just look scrawny, whats your diet like?"

No offense to you but it might be better coming from a mate who does lift. You have already said he needs to eat more so he will be on the lookout for more comments, e.g. you saying "I read on the internet you need to eat more to gain muscle, and you wont get fat" might not go down as well.

Hanley

Dinxminx wrote: »

I know he's happier with his appearance but I'm not

Surprised more people didn't pick up on that.

Dinxminx

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to take a lot of the advice and see if it works!!

Rubadub: he doesn't have any friends who lift.

Also, he wants a six pack and whenever he talks about it he keeps repeating that to get a six pack all you have to do is lose all the body fat so that you can see the muscle underneath???

Is this true?? I thought you had to do loads of crunches and sit ups and all that stuff? He says you don't, you just need to lose all the 'fat' (not that he has any left to lose)!

Having said that I know absolutely nothing about exercise so maybe he's right?

Dragan: You saw how quick he rushed me outta there

Sarge: He's not just a bit.... arrogant?

EDIT: Also don't know if this is relevant but he was 15 stone when I met him and now he's 11 stone, and he's fairly tall..

Vegeta

Dinxminx wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to take a lot of the advice and see if it works!!

Rubadub: he doesn't have any friends who lift.

Also, he wants a six pack and whenever he talks about it he keeps repeating that to get a six pack all you have to do is lose all the body fat so that you can see the muscle underneath???

Is this true?? I thought you had to do loads of crunches and sit ups and all that stuff? He says you don't, you just need to lose all the 'fat' (not that he has any left to lose)!

Having said that I know absolutely nothing about exercise so maybe he's right?

Dragan: You saw how quick he rushed me outta there

Sarge: He's not just a bit.... arrogant?

EDIT: Also don't know if this is relevant but he was 15 stone when I met him and now he's 11 stone, and he's fairly tall..

He's kinda right, you can do all the ab exercises in the world and have a high bodyfat% and it will never show but if you lower your bf% it will show

Thing is though its not worth having a six pack if your elbow is the widest part of your arm and your knee is the widest part of your leg

I was a very similar build you your boyfriend about 3 years ago. At 6ft tall I once weighed in for a kickboxing competition at 63kg which is about 10 stone. Now I weigh 13 and a half stone (thanks to weights and diet) and all my frineds always say how much better I look. My girlfriend says she wouldn't even recognise me on the street if we had broken up years ago and she saw me now.

He has a deluded self image. Flat out measurements and figures are the only way to show him how thin he really is. Bi-cep measurements, how much weight he can lift for his build etc will all show him that he is actually quite thin.

You could always be blunt as a mallet with him and tell him he was more attractive when he was heavier, if he says "When I was FAT" you just say "yeah obviously it would be healthier if you were heavier due to carrying some muscle but being this thin doesn't suit you"

Dragan

Hanley wrote: »

Surprised more people didn't pick up on that.

It's all ready been said, no point in hammering it home.

Dragan

Vegeta wrote: »

He has a deluded self image.

How do we know that?

We have no real information on his diet, or on his workouts. We only know that at the moment Dinxy ain't happy with how he looks but he is.

No offence, but if a dude posted up saying "my girlfriend used to be X and now she's Y and i'm not happy with it" we'd have a lot of people reacting very, very differently here.

Dragan

CJ Marren wrote: »

he could have anorexia, or some other issues.

We're not here to form half assed diagnosis around E.D's

pwd

You need muscle and low bodyfat to have a sixpack. He probably heard someone saying something like "doing lots of core work won't get a sixpack you need low bodyfat" and jumped to his own conclusion.
Some people are too pigheaded to listen to others, and have funny ideals in their heads.

You could get him a book about training maybe that gave reasonable diet advice, or something like that? Would he take notice then? The other approach that would occur to me would be to give him some home truths - but that could alienate him, or make him even more stubborn.

pwd

Dragan wrote: »

How do we know that?

We have no real information on his diet, or on his workouts. We only know that at the moment Dinxy ain't happy with how he looks but he is.

No offence, but if a dude posted up saying "my girlfriend used to be X and now she's Y and i'm not happy with it" we'd have a lot of people reacting very, very differently here.

A tall person who weighs 11 stone is skinny as hell - to the point of looking unhealthy, and I would not believe they could get a six pack without putting on more weight.

Vegeta

Dragan wrote: »

How do we know that?

We have no real information on his diet, or on his workouts. We only know that at the moment Dinxy ain't happy with how he looks but he is.

No offence, but if a dude posted up saying "my girlfriend used to be X and now she's Y and i'm not happy with it" we'd have a lot of people reacting very, very differently here.

Well she says in the original post he eats like a protein shake and a yoghurt, which seems like a very small amount to me

Also he clearly thinks he looks good (I may know this from reading another thread including the OP) but others close to him have told him he looks under weight.

So if someone thinks they look great when others close to them think otherwise I don't know what else you'd call it.

Will remove comment if you guys see fit, I meant to cause no offence or contraversey as I may well be wrong

Dragan

Well i've actually met the guy and he didn't look particular "skinny" to me.....just normally.....and thats coming from me and my mise guided sense of body dismorphia.

Also, any information we are getting in this thread is second hand.....as i said we have no real idea what he eats or does for workouts.

Sorry Dinx, i'm not trying to stiffle conversation, just reminding people not to jump to conclusions is all.

rubadub

pwd wrote: »

A tall person who weighs 11 stone is skinny as hell - to the point of looking unhealthy, and I would not believe they could get a six pack without putting on more weight.

The only 6packs I have ever see in real life, i.e. outside of films, TV, mags are on really skinny blokes. I am not in a gym so do not see lifters, I go swimming a fair bit. But they are probably 9-11stone, and are skinny whippets. I dont think people are going like "oh look, he has a 6 pack", it is more like "jesus, he is so skinny you can see all his bones & muscle". They look malnourished not athletic.

The other thing is when a previously overweight person loses weight, it can seem dramatic and unhealthy. Some girls I know said to me "oh, dont lose any more weight"- maybe they had friends who were anorexic and want to reassure me that I now look OK. e.g. I joined work and was overweight, and people would comment about my weight loss, some expressing subtle concern "hope you are not taking diet pills" etc, whereas lads joined work who are way thinner than me and would have no such comments made, or comments that they should eat more. If I got to the fat levels of some lads in work I have no doubt people would tell me to eat more. I wonder if the OP and this guys mates had met him for the first time now would they consider him to look unhealthy.

You heard similar comments about the likes of geri haliwell, some mags saying she is anorexic and she looked fine to me. While the likes of Calista flockhart (alli mcbeal) is way thinner, but she always has been that thin- in the public eye. So you hear a little bit about calistas weight, but not nearly as much as you do about other celebs who lost weight after being famous.

I watch a bit of the UFC and the lightweights are 11stone in that ( I think boxing lightweights are lower). Most looked fine to me, some were up to 6'3 or 6'4 and they did look way to thin, but lads 5'10 5'11 looked fine to me. Some posters here are serious lifters and may have a skewed idea of what "normal" is. The much dragged up topic of "brad pitt in fight club"- most lifters or BBers say he looks way to thin, and to get a body like his all your have to do is "not eat". Well I know lads who are around that fat level and do not eat, and certainly do not look like that. Look at any magazine with "top 10 bodies" and it usually is lads like brad pitt or footballers who are 11stone or so.

ali.c

pwd wrote: »

A tall person who weighs 11 stone is skinny as hell - to the point of looking unhealthy, and I would not believe they could get a six pack without putting on more weight.

Dunno about that, my bf is lighter than that and not exactly short but you can see his ab muscles.

If you are honestly concerned about his eating habits then maybe just let him know.

Tbh though, my bf has different eating and excercises habits to me. He also has different goals and doesnt know then info behind what i do. At times when he offers advice about stuff he knows very little about makes me quite defensive. I dont know if this makes sense but basically he has never trained or eaten the way i do therefore IMHO his advice on the subject carries alot less weight than someone who does.

Honestly, i can see his point about the unsupportive stuff. When you are trying stuff even if you are going about it the wrong way (and to be fair he has dropped 4 stone) then its hard to take criticism. Esp from a SO.

Roper

Dragan,
If a bloke posted that he thought his girlfriend wasn't eating enough there would be very serious concerns for her health, I see no difference in the concern shown towards a male for a lack of eating than that of a female. Male body dysmorphia is a very real disorder, made all the more complex and difficult to deal with by the propensity of men to man up and ignore their health.

I saw a comparison, quite interesting, of the relative sizes and physiques of GI Joe (the American version of Action Man). He went from a "normal" look, to the physique of a bodybuilder in the space of 40 years. This is the very real goal we set for boys in terms of "ideal" physiques, think WWE for another example.

Now if a bloke posts on here and says what will I do about my girlfriend, she's shedding weight, I preferred her the way she was and when I tell her that she gets angry and talks about how fat she was, she's taking lipotrim instead of having a breakfast, spending hours in the gym and so on, would you say "oh but she's much happier the way she is". Like fvck you would. You'd tell the guy to get her eating and if it continued to get professional help.

Now we have the same situation except with genders reversed and its all- oh leave him alone he's happy?

HammerHeadGym

In my opinion you should buy him a body building book (assuming thats the look he's going for). This should include plenty of pictures of people in a good healthy shape and contain information on the construction and maintainance of a healthy physique.
You could even say something along the lines of 'I bought you this book because I support you in your efforts to improve yourself and your body, however I am worried that you might be over doing it and setting your self up for long term illness'. That's assuming he is now ( or about to become) drastically underweight and your not just being a bitch

Alternatively, get him hooked on dope and leave loads of yummy treats lying around that he won't be able to resist, when the munchies take over, then dump him for being too fat. I'm not sure what good it'll do, b ut it'd make an intresting social study.

Dinxminx

If it were just me that thought him skinny as hell I wouldn't say anything, and for a long time I didn't and whenever he said "oh I lost another pound/2pounds/3pounds" I'd congratulate him. But it's got to the point where everyone we meet whispers "God he's gotten awfully thin" to me, and I know it's not just me that's worried. His mother's always saying "would you get him to eat something? he's wasting away!" and I would if I could but I just don't know HOW!

Obviously don't want him to be unhappy with himself but there must be a balance somewhere?

g'em

Diagnosing EDs is obviously a no-no, but I'm quite happy to allow the discussion of them. Men are affected by body dysmorphia just as seriously as women are, as has been pointed out, and it's a very dificult condition to deal with both for the sufferer and those who are supporting them.

As with many aspects of mental health and support, eating disorders are a grossly misunderstood phenomenon, but the incidence of them is on the rise in both men and women in Ireland. There's an excellent support group that deals with all types of EDs should anybody wish to find out more: www.bodywhys.ie

Dinx, personally I would suggest that you let your boyfriend know that you love and care for him very much, but gently let him know that even though you *do* understand what his goals are, you're worried that perhaps there's a healthier way to do it. Talk to him about it, help him to educate himself about healthy eating and how not to undereat and please don't be afraid to talk to someone more qualified if you think there's something amiss.

pwd

ali.c wrote: »

Dunno about that, my bf is lighter than that and not exactly short but you can see his ab muscles.

visible ab muscles does not mean six pack

justsomebloke

Ok as I briefly met the guy as well (before I had to go the ATM which was broke and then had to go the other one with the massive Q followed by someone trying to act the hard man and failing miserably. No I'M NOT BITTER AT ALL), I didn't think he was particualry skinny either.

Ok as such though Dink he is correct as such to see your abs your BF% has to be quite reasonably low to see them as not amount of crunches or situps will make them visible if you have to high a % of BF. However the problem he may face though is that through this diet and exercise plan he may actually be losing a good bit of muscle as well and so even if he does get to a low enough BF% he won't have enough muscle to make it look as good as it could be.

Truthfully do I think he has an eating disorder, probably not. Chances are that the only problem is that he doesn't have a good enough understanfing of how to best go about getting the results he wants. So rather then discouraging him from losing more weight encourage him into looking into how to most effectivly lose weight and also put on muscle so that he can best acheive the body shape he wants. Hell if nothing else he can become as body dismorphic as the rest of us here:D

HammerHeadGym

I should have mentioned that the book should contain plenty of diet information. I think Beyond Brawn by stuart McRobert should cover most of what your looking for but maybe someone else has a better idea??

pwd

rubadub wrote: »

Calista flockhart (alli mcbeal) is way thinner, but she always has been that thin- in the public eye. So you hear a little bit about calistas weight, but not nearly as much as you do about other celebs who lost weight after being famous.

she is shockingly thin - obviously sick, either psychologically or physically. I don't think someone that thin would be put on television these days playing a character unless the thinness was part of the character.

I think people talked more about Geri Halliwell being so skinny because she got thin at a time when people were more aware and more critical of too-thin celebreties.

justsomebloke

actually if all else fails a combination of ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough and chocolate fudge brownie covered in a baileys sauce i.e. just baileys could help pile on the weight again and if he refuses then he just isn't a man any more and needs to be dumped

Dinxminx

Sorry if I'm not really explaining myself properly... It's not that he's drastically skinny at the moment, it's the shockingly fast way he's been dropping weight. About three months ago he started talking about eating healthy, and that was fine of course - he cut out junk food etc. But then at the start of October he just sort of... stopped eating. Yesterday he came over and as I was getting a bowl of pasta for myself I asked him if he wanted anything and he said no, he wasn't hungry he'd had scrambled eggs for breakfast. FOR BREAKFAST. And this was at 7pm! That and the protein shakey thing are all he eats!! And he says he still has some way to go!

When I tell him he has to eat (not in an ordering way, more cajoling) he says "you just want me to be fat again so no other girls will look at me" :eek:

Also, to make clear, he was NOT ''fat'' before.

The Chessplayer

There's obviously something seriously wrong with this lad. Book him in to see a psychiatrist perhaps.

mack1

sounds to me like he is a little obsessed with "being fat"


Dinx - you mentioned that he told you he "still has some way to go" - go where? what are his goals? Does he have a target weight (or something measurable) that he is aiming for?

justsomebloke

truthfully I think this is getting past the bounds of the remit of the fitness forum so I suggested you actually explain to your body friend that you are seriously worried or you should seek professional advise if you think he is bordering on having an ED which from what I am gathering is what you think is wrong.

I think everyone here has offered as much advice as we can give out so other then that it is just a case of educating your boyfriend on the best ways of getting the body he wants and truthfully we would need him to post for us to do that

Dragan

Roper wrote: »

Now we have the same situation except with genders reversed and its all- oh leave him alone he's happy?

Not really Barry, my point was simply that the majority of people here are working off second hand info.

If the guy is going days without eating then yeah, he needs a good talking to.

As i said, i met the chap and he wasn't screaming "skinny" at me by any means.

Dinxminx

Mack1 he doesn't have a target weight as such he says he's just not happy yet with what he sees in the mirror. I don't know... I bought him one of those multigym things though so for the moment he's happily excercising..

I'll use the suggestions I've been given and thanks everyone for the replies!

the_syco

Lets see... he was a fat bastard, slimmed down, and now you think he should put on weight?

Lets reverse the roles... if you were ultra slim, you put on weight, and he asked you to slim down? Would it go down well on your side?

Same thing. Sounds to me that you preferred him when he was "fat". Strange that no-one has called you "shallow" yet, but I suppose this isn't PI. By using shakes, and what not, it seems he has done some research into the whole slimming thing, and is steaming along at it. Kudo's to him, esp as he's doing it with little support from his other half.

Dinxminx

He wasn't ''fat''!!! He was never fat! And I support him a lot and I did support him in this until I realised that he's hardly eating! :mad:

mack1

hmmm, I think you are being a little unfair there - she is quite clearly worried about the guy.

the_syco wrote: »

By using shakes, and what not, it seems he has done some research into the whole slimming thing, and is steaming along at it. Kudo's to him, esp as he's doing it with little support from his other half.

Could not disagree more I'm afraid - the fact that he seems to be using protein shakes as an entire meal replacement for significant periods of the day shows that he has NOT done a lot of research into it.

---

OP - you mentioned that he doesnt have a specific goal, but does not like what he sees in the mirror. Obviously as this is all 2nd hand information, but it may be a case of he doesnt quite know the best way to achieve his goal (to look better) - he seems to think that all he needs to do is lose weight, which he is doing, but has become "skinny fat" - ie, he has the same basic body shape but smaller (what somebody might call no tone) - and hence is not happy with himself, he thinks that he needs to lose more weight when what he should concentrate on is losing fat and building muscle.

It could just be a matter of education. He is doing weights, so surely he wants his muscles to grow, but he is potentially not feeding them enough to do so.

As suggested above, get him a book or something that will help him learn the best ways to change his body. As Dragan and jsb said they have met him and he don't look like Ali McBeal or anything, so he probably not trying to stave himself to 50kg.

rubadub

pwd wrote: »

she is shockingly thin - obviously sick, either psychologically or physically. I don't think someone that thin would be put on television these days playing a character unless the thinness was part of the character.

Yes she certainly is thin. The real point I am getting at is people do not get that worried or concerned if the person was always fairly thin. The lads I speak of in work are not dangerously thin, maybe 10% BF maybe a little less. I lost weight very slowly, maybe 0.5lb per week, one girl in work said I was "wasting away", I was probably 16-17% BF at the time, with muscle gain. I went off smiling as I was 100% stronger at that point in time, and had a beer gut, wasting away to me means muscle mass, people on hunger strike. I doubt the girl in work ever commented to the skinny lads.

The OP has come back saying he is not "drastically skinny", and it is the rate of weight loss that is the real concern. As I expected it does seem if she met him only yesterday she might have no concerns, just like some posters here actually did- well met him a while ago.

pwd

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055182861&page=2

Stumbled across pic of the chap in question.
He doesn't look like someone who should be trying to lose weight to me.

unreggd

convince him its a fetish of yours

and reward him accordingly

HammerHeadGym

the_syco wrote: »

Lets see... he was a fat bastard, slimmed down, and now you think he should put on weight?

Actually she has said many times that he was far from fat

the_syco wrote: »

...By using shakes, and what not, it seems he has done some research into the whole slimming thing, and is steaming along at it. Kudo's to him, esp as he's doing it with little support from his other half.

Your way off here. Protein shakes are not a substitue for a balanced meal aimed at weight loss. Especially if he has scramblemed eggs for breakfast and still hasn't eaten by 7pm.

Scottty2Hottty

To be honest I think if this is really getting serious and you are really are worried about him try and get as many of his family and friends around to highlight the issues your concerned about. I dont think you can 'make' him eat! I think thats something that he will have to decide himself. But if enough of his loved ones show concern for him it might make him come to the realisation that maybe there is something wrong and he might get help or just listen to what ye have to say..

Jimmy Bottlehead

Dragan wrote: »

We're not here to form half assed diagnosis around E.D's

Wow, dead sound... you'll really attract new posters on here with an ignorant attitude like that. A simple PM would've done the job, Jack. Well done.