What to do ? - think I am very ungrateful..

LegacyUser

Right.. before we start, this is the most self indulgent thing I have ever written. I apologise in advance for the wallowing that is to follow.. but I need to get this off my chest and maybe some advice on how to deal..

Some background first -

We moved back to Ireland (OH & I) after 10 years in the UK recently. We are in mid buying a house. And on the surface all is fine. He really wanted to come back. I wasn't bothered. I came back not for him but because life we could have here was so attractive.

It doesn't seem to be working out as I thought and day by day I'm getting more dejected y mabout my decision..

(here comes the ungrateful bit)

We are in the process of buying a house - the kind that we could never have afforded without selling our souls in the UK. It has everything I've always wanted. In the countryside, land, room for our horses, nice house .. everything.. It was kind of like the carrot that encouraged me to move back to Ireland..(not that I specifically didn't want to but I didn't not want to stay in the UK either if you see what I mean..)

Turns out it's all taking a long time to be what I thought it would be (never expected things to happen over night but..) .. I am really really lonely.. I desperately miss my friends, a way of things I knew.. I also feel my life has coming to a standstill.. I'm not getting anywhere fast with anything..

All my goals (not career goals - I work to live not the other way around) but personal / sporting goals are all geared towards UK based activities - and on searching for replacement goals here I discovered there aren't any equivalents. I feel lost here. I don't feel I can talk to my friends about all this as they didn't want me to move in the first place and I think pride is preventing me from telling them how unhappy I am with the move..

Friends etc seem to be moving on with their lives.. and I seem to be stagnating. I found out earlier today that someone I don't even like (lets call her OtherGirl) had achieved a major thing in their life and while I don't begrudge them their triumph (even though if I never saw her again it would be too soon) I spent a good half an hour trying not to cry as I feel I am being so left behind.. And see no chance to achieve my (fairly petty probably) personal lifetime goals ever..

I am a gregarious person who values social contact and atm I have none. No friends apart from his family (they are lovely but.. ) and no social life. I'm used to seeing several of my friends on a daily basis and having a healthy social group.. I feel very isolated here. We don't go out (house buying costs are a killer) and I don't meet many people of similar interests / outlook in my job etc. i.e I have no kids and not keen on any in the near future and am an outdoor sporty type into horses and Martinis.. everyone else has kids and is into soft furnishings and new kitchens..

I can't tell my (very lovely) OH as he takes it personally god love him or comes up with ways to improve things that are unrealistic... besides I don't want him to think he's forced me to move (he didn't) or him to think I blame him (I don't)..

Sorry this is so rambling. I can't get it straight in my head how I feel yet. All I know is that inside I feel freezing cold and empty. And continually on the brink of tears. After finding out how great OtherGirls life is going I nearly had a panic attack - couldn't breathe properly and felt like I had a huge weight on chest crushing me.. All I could see was years of watching other people doing what I want to do.. and not being able to do it myself..

On the surface I'm getting everything I'd always wanted from a home life.. but in reality it's not what I thought it would be (a case of be careful what you wish for ? )

Should I just buck up and suck it up and not be an ungrateful cow ? Or what.. I'm so confused.. (I imagine anyone reading this is confused also now.. sorry... ).. Is it normal to feel this lonely ?

Sorry for the self pity - I don't know how else to put it all without it sounding ungrateful..

Can anyone advise ?

ron_darrell

Hiya. I'm no expert or anything but I don't think being so unhappy is likely to make you or your OH have a full, satisfying life. Silly question but did you not think all this through before moving over? You want to live in the country but you want a social peer group as well? Aren't those two things contradictory? As for the hobbies that you can't try here, I can't think of any sport/hobby/passtime that is available in the UK that isn't available here in Ireland in some form or other.

Have you really looked at all the options? You say you love horses, there are hundreds of riding/polo clubs all over the country. Could you not join one of those? It seems to me that you need to make new friends here if you are to be happy. Maybe you and your OH could take up a new hobby together, some sort of night class maybe. It's a great way to meet new people.

At the end of the day, it seems to me anyway, that either you pack your bags and head home or square your shoulders and try and make the best of things. But you should try and discuss this with your OH, maybe he has similar feelings and it would be best for both of you to head back to the UK. But whatever happens don't keep this locked up inside. It will eat at you and eventually you will blame your OH for the misery you feel.

That's my 2 cents anyways.
RD

Suse

You need to give this time - alot of time. I moved back from UK in 2004 and it's only now that I am enjoying a healthly social life again. It will happen for you, you just need to take it slowly for while.
There are lots of ways to try to improve your situation, I'm pressed time at the moment but I'll pmail you tomorrow. chin up x

Marksie

I moved over from the UK in 95. It took a good while for me to settle and readjust, find new objectives and interests.

Instead of looking at other people "moving on" look at ways you can reach one or two of your goals. If some of your objectives, like sports are UK based, can you start something over here.

Hell we have sports forums on boards, i am sure if you want to ask if anyone has interests in what your intersted in then something could be done.

Now I dont know what those objectives are, but if there is nothing here, then start something, form a group of like minded individuals.Get cracking and do something about it. Things like that wont come to you, you have to make em happen

Mighty_Mouse

Its not selfish to value your own personal happiness.

AngryBadger

You're not ungreatful at all OP.

This is a massive change for someone to absorb, and it's going to take a long time. Obviously finding some kind of social outlet would be a big help ehre, but i suspect this is more to do with your own feelings of being a little displaced.

You had a nice cushy life over in the UK. Al your friends, all the activities you loved pursuing, and (from the sounds of it) no real financial pressures.

You've now moved to ireland. Al your friends are gone, 9well,s till in the UK), you can't pursue any of the activities you want to because they don't seem toe xist over here. On top of which you're ashamed of yourself for feeling this way, and you don't want to talk to your husband about it because you don't want him to feel he's responsible, and also, I'll go out on a limb here, you want to share this problem with someone, but at te minute all you want them to do is listen, and your hubbie will want to fix the problem immediately, which just makes you feel even worse because now it's seems you're this really ungreatful person, and you're placing even more demans on your wonderful husband.

Be fair to yourself OP, this is a huge change, and they take a long time to adjust to. I would talk to your husband, but preface the conversation with the fact that you only want him to listen. Hopefully that'll make you feel less isolated, and it'll put him in the picture, which is a good idea since he has no doubt picked up on your feelings, and is probably wondering what's wrong.

Would it be at all possible for you to head back to the UK once or twice a month to see your own friends and the like? I realise it's not the same, but it would be an improvement, it would also give you something to look forward, and it'll give you a stronger sense of control over what's goin on since I reckon that's an issue now too, out of plce, isolated, and very much not in control.

Hope that helps OP

LegacyUser

UngratefulGirl wrote: »

All my goals (not career goals - I work to live not the other way around) but personal / sporting goals are all geared towards UK based activities - and on searching for replacement goals here I discovered there aren't any equivalents. I feel lost here. I don't feel I can talk to my friends about all this as they didn't want me to move in the first place and I think pride is preventing me from telling them how unhappy I am with the move..

Friends etc seem to be moving on with their lives.. and I seem to be stagnating. I found out earlier today that someone I don't even like (lets call her OtherGirl) had achieved a major thing in their life and while I don't begrudge them their triumph (even though if I never saw her again it would be too soon) I spent a good half an hour trying not to cry as I feel I am being so left behind.. And see no chance to achieve my (fairly petty probably) personal lifetime goals ever..

I am a gregarious person who values social contact and atm I have none. No friends apart from his family (they are lovely but.. ) and no social life. I'm used to seeing several of my friends on a daily basis and having a healthy social group.. I feel very isolated here. We don't go out (house buying costs are a killer) and I don't meet many people of similar interests / outlook in my job etc. i.e I have no kids and not keen on any in the near future and am an outdoor sporty type into horses and Martinis.. everyone else has kids and is into soft furnishings and new kitchens..

I can't tell my (very lovely) OH as he takes it personally god love him or comes up with ways to improve things that are unrealistic... besides I don't want him to think he's forced me to move (he didn't) or him to think I blame him (I don't)..

Sorry this is so rambling. I can't get it straight in my head how I feel yet. All I know is that inside I feel freezing cold and empty. And continually on the brink of tears. After finding out how great OtherGirls life is going I nearly had a panic attack - couldn't breathe properly and felt like I had a huge weight on chest crushing me.. All I could see was years of watching other people doing what I want to do.. and not being able to do it myself..

On the surface I'm getting everything I'd always wanted from a home life.. but in reality it's not what I thought it would be (a case of be careful what you wish for ? )

Should I just buck up and suck it up and not be an ungrateful cow ? Or what.. I'm so confused.. (I imagine anyone reading this is confused also now.. sorry... ).. Is it normal to feel this lonely ?

Sorry for the self pity - I don't know how else to put it all without it sounding ungrateful..

Can anyone advise ?

Fair enough, you moved and you weren't particularly inclined to do so.That I can understand.

I don't really know where you're sporting interests lie but why are you comparing yourself to people you have left behind with these "triumps". Are you going to continuously compare yourself to other peoples achievements and how good they are doing for the rest of your life? Being envious really never got anyone anywhere. Who cares what some randomer you never liked is suceeding in? You're life has moved on now.

If you are going to continue being competitive and striving for the best of everything I would suggest that you may come by a hard landing.

Ask yourself what you want.

Beruthiel

OP
You say you only recently moved here, you cannot expect everything to be perfect from the get go.
It can take over six months to settle in a new place.
You have everything you always wished for and you probably expected it to make you instantly happier. Life doesn't work like that, it takes time. Give yourself and the place you are in now that time, put effort into it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself now and give yourself a mental kick in the ass.
Start putting down roots in the community, join in.
As for 'Othergirl', seriously, who gives a flying fuk how her life is going?! Forget about her and think about your new house. You don't mention when you're moving in but start making plans on what you'll be doing when you get there.

Ungrateful Girl

Hi Guys

And thanks all for the Cyber-Kick up the @rse .. it was perfect advice. I have taken on board all your comments.. and put them into practice.

You want to live in the country but you want a social peer group as well? Aren't those two things contradictory?

Nope.. I come from the countryside..I'm happiest there.. social groups are stronger there (IMO) than in cities - IMO because if you live in a rural area you mostly have the same/similar interests and reasons for being there as everyone else so this creates a strong community spirit and friendships.. Living in the country doesn't mean any less an active social life .. mostly just a more outdoors based one .. with a healthy measure of drink thrown in!

As for the hobbies that you can't try here, I can't think of any sport/hobby/passtime that is available in the UK that isn't available here in Ireland in some form or other.

I didn't explain myself very well.. It's not the actual hobby it's the discipline within that hobby that just doesn't exist (in the form it does in the UK) here.. but as I describe below I am going to tackle this in a bit of lateral way... you could call it re-focusing I suppose.. I think I was being blind and obstinate about the whole thing..

AngryBadger - you were spot on.. I sat OH down and told him not to comment or try to fix just to listen.. He did. I got it all off my chest.. I feel better and he understands how lonely I am.. result.. I am going to go back to the UK once a month for a weekend for the time being..(he spends a couple of weeks a month there anyway for work reasons so I will go while he's there) and we are going to make more of an effort to go out and meet people here.. He didn't feel the need so much as he regularly goes back and goes out on the beer,sees his mates etc etc.. so didn't feel as isolated as I did.. and me not telling him didn't help as he just though everything was hunky dory.. not his fault.. mine.

As for the goal issues.. I needed someone to tell me not be pathetic - am not usually this cr@p.. honest.. just couldn't see a way through it all.. I did think about it before moving but reality is different to theory.. I just need to change direction a bit and see new / different goals as another challenge rather than sulking about the ones I might not achieve due to the move.

Having talked it through with the OH and seen what I need to do about this it's a good thing - being the competitive animal I am.. I thrive on succeeding. I'm not worried about beating others or the congratulating etc .. it's more a personal thing.. how far I can get with something I choose to do..

Valorty & Beruthiel

Are you going to continuously compare yourself to other peoples achievements and how good they are doing for the rest of your life? Being envious really never got anyone anywhere. Who cares what some randomer you never liked is suceeding in? You're life has moved on now

Start putting down roots in the community, join in.
As for 'Othergirl', seriously, who gives a flying fuk how her life is going?! Forget about her and think about your new house. You don't mention when you're moving in but start making plans on what you'll be doing when you get there.

So true.. Not in an excuse making way but I am not usually like this.. I don't know what has happened to me.. but your comments made a big impact.. Why am I so concerned ? No idea.. but I'm making an effort get a grip and not be such a loser and so concerned about what others are doing..

As a few posters have pointed out I can't expect everything to be totally perfect from the off .. I just got lost. I can't imagine it'll be easy but it'll be ok..

Thanks again for the cyber pant blasting.. just what I needed.. and my apologies for such a whining post .. Tbh - it was nice having someone(s) to listen to me.. like a CyberMate!

UG x

Ungrateful Girl

Sorry - managed to duplicate..

UGx