Some advice please

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Today I've been forced to admit how pathetic my life has become. I've been a bit messed up and confused these last few years, messed up any opportunities I had and now I find myself doing nothing with my life, working in a job I hate, almost no friends.

I've just been broken up with and while we weren't together a long time, (I thought) we had a really close bond as we had been through quite a lot in a short time. I had been bracing myself for this over the last few days as I could see it coming but didn't understand why. But right now I feel physically sick. I've been hurt by the only real friend I had left and now I'm alone.

This time last year I was diagnosed with depression. I was on anti-depressants for about six months. Didn't feel like they were doing much good, as I knew I wasn't happy with my life as it was and needed to make changes. So I changed stuff, came off the anti-ds and felt like I was getting somewhere. Started a new job, turns out I hate it. I have no friends where I work. I feel so isolated. I hate the work but I'm trying to stick it out a bit longer as I'm getting a qualification through the job.

A few months into the job I felt the depression creeping back in. I mentioned it to a doctor; he wasn't too helpful but told me to arrange an appointment with a counsellor in the practice. My appointment was cancelled and I never bothered to make another. It was so hard to motivate myself to do anything and it's awkward too, with the hours I work. So I struggled on.

Somewhere along the way I isolated myself from my friends. I became so avoidant, I couldn't bear to go out with them. I found myself needing to get drunk to enjoy myself and I'd either go too far and end up puking or I wouldn't have enough and I'd feel so awkward and wouldn't enjoy it at all. So I stopped going out and started avoiding the people who cared about me.

When I didn't have plans with my boyfriend I'd spend the weekends alone, depressed. Or else I'd go home to my parents where at least I wouldn't be alone, but I wouldn't do anything. I'd spend the week counting down the days until the weekend and then it would be Friday evening and I wouldn't even feel happy. I felt nothing, because my life is nothing.

I thought I was independent. I'm just lonely. I used to really enjoy solitude, I'm a solitary person but now I have way too much of it and it drives me crazy. I know it's such an unhealthy way to live but I don't have the energy now to fix things.

I'm so sad. I feel rejected by someone I really cared about and who lead me to believe he felt the same. And now I have nobody to turn to as I treated my friends pretty badly. How selfish would it be to turn to them now? I'm just not able to maintain friendships. I freak out about normal things - won't answer my phone, reply to texts etc. I've just messed things up so badly and everything looks so bleak right now. I've come through breakups before but right now my future looks so unappealing.

Thanks for reading, didn't mean for this to be so long. I think I just needed to vent...

JuliusCaesar

1 You hate your job but need to stay in it for the sake of a qualification. Then you better get satisfaction in your outside life!
2 No friends, cos you treated them badly. You either apologise or make new ones.
3 Freaking out about normal things............you need counselling or get a grip; determination will overcome lack of motivation.
4 Just not able to maintain friendships/relationships???? We've all been there....turns out it's human......we all make mistakes.....that's how we learn not to make the same ones again (we just make different ones instead)
venting - good; doing - better!

free2fly

I have a very close relative who is going through something very similar. You need to get some counseling. And you need to find a doctor who will get on the proper meds. These things are essential for you to live a normal, happy life.

You also need a good support group. Do your parents know what you're feeling? Do they understand? Do you have brothers or sisters that you can turn to?

Believe it or not, if you make the effort with your friends they may be a lot more understanding about renewing the friendship then you think. But you won't know if you don't try.

l3LoWnA

free2fly wrote: »

Believe it or not, if you make the effort with your friends they may be a lot more understanding about renewing the friendship then you think. But you won't know if you don't try.

I second that. If you can think of one friend who would be an ear to listen to you try and approach them. Apologise about things in the past if needs be. If any of them were true friends they'll be there for you now. I know there are plenty of friends of mine who I've grown apart from but only recently I met up with a friend from years back (she more or less ditched me for boyfriend and new cliche of friends) and things were the same as ever/we are as close as ever now. I don't know what made her contact me but her boyfriend is overseas and I'm glad I can be company for her if that's what she needs, regardless of the fact that she will be moving overseas soon and I might not hear from her for years again.

You need someone to talk to! And also, follow up on the counselling appointment - it could really help you.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down at the minute and I'm sure better things are around the corner for you - for one, when you get this qualification through work you may have an opportunity to change jobs, etc so there may be light at the end of that particular tunnel?

the hero game

sosad,

i'm in a really similar situation.. i don't know if i can advise you per se but i'll let u know my story to show you're not the only one at least..

i'm really sorry firstly about the break-up, it seems you've been really let down, doesn't matter if it wasn't a long one, i'm sure it hurts v. badly esp. given the bond u thought u had..

i went through a horrible break-up last year and between that and a bereavement 6 months previously (my brother, his 2 year anniversary was yesterday) and having to move job 'cause i was getting hate-mail from a paranoid nutter at work, and having to move out, i went through absolute horror.. plus the r'ship also involved a child, tho' not mine, but that made it all the worse..

i don't know how i didn't break down completely but for me, going on medication definitely helped.. it keeps yr. head above the water.. i'm still on then now and shudder to think what it'd be like if i weren't using them.. it would save me 60 quid a month tho'!

but still now i feel very lonely alright, again like u i'm someone who has to have a lot of time alone but it's getting a bit much now, and i too have isolated my friends, some through circumstance and others just 'cause i couldn't be bothered..

i do feel i have absolutely no-one to talk to about anything on a personal level and it's hard to not have anyone like that.. all my 'friendships' are really superficial.. i guess they care about me but they don't really show it v. well uknow.. i have to repress the lows to deal w. them..

my family are great but i don't see them very often.. and i couldn't really go into the dark stuff w. them 'cause i'd hate to worry them, esp. my mam.. my older bro was on meds for a year and i've discussed it with him but even he doesn't seem to get my particular issues.. in truth me and him are very different people but i appreciate all he has tried to do for me..

so it's hard with depression like this 'cause no-one is bound to understand, or more importantly want to understand.. like they don't get that for me it's hard to make plans 'cause what if on the day or night i'd rather not meet someone 'cause i feel like crap.. or i'm sure they don't want to hear about having cold sweats at night or vivid dreams that keep u awake.. or that you hate yourself..

and on a greater scheme of things, i'm in a crappy job too.. it's ok in a lot of ways but in essence it's mind-rotting and i get hassle about not having a good job 'cause i have a masters and whatever.. i'm just not career-minded..

i'd love to meet new friends etc. but i find it very difficult to meet people who share the same ineterests and that's vital for me.. like recently i went on holidays with 2 guys i used to work with and as nice as they are we have nothing in common really.. one day i went to the art museum while they went to watch soccer on TV.. i was at the museum loving the experience but inside i was thinking 'jesus, not only am i here on my own but i have no-one to even talk about it to when i get home'..

and everything interesting i've ever tried my hand at (eg songwriting, art) has led to nothing..

but somehow i have this blind shred of optimism that's keeping me going.. but it's a vague flicker at best..

so i hope u understand that i think i know how u feel.. i don't know what to say otherwise except to wish u all the best.. PM anytime if u like..

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm just sitting here in tears at the minute over the breakup. It really hurts. I thought I was doing okay but I just broke down out of the blue, you know that uncontrollable crying?

I know I seriously need to sort things out with my life but right now the pain I'm feeling is all I can deal with. I will arrange some counselling in the future but I haven't really gotten anywhere before with counselling. I suppose it's all a question of finding the right person but I find it really hard to open up. It's as though I have this need to be accepted and I feel like they'll think I'm a loser or will be judging me. Or even that my problems are just so trivial compared to other people's.

I could talk to my family but my dad doesn't understand depression at all. He hated me being on medication, thought I was just feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity.

free2fly wrote:

Believe it or not, if you make the effort with your friends they may be a lot more understanding about renewing the friendship then you think. But you won't know if you don't try.

I know this is true. My friends know of the problems I've been having. They are good friends and I will get in touch. I just need to make the first move.

l3LoWnA wrote:

when you get this qualification through work you may have an opportunity to change jobs, etc so there may be light at the end of that particular tunnel?

This is the only thing getting me up for work these days. It can be soul destroying at times doing something you can't stand. I've been subjected to such abuse from customers in this place but it's good to have something to work towards. As soon as I'm qualified I'll be straight out of there, hopefully to a non customer facing role.

the hero game - Thanks for sharing that. I'm a bit wary about going back on meds. And with counselling as well, this is stuff I can't really afford. I'm working my ass off for a **** salary. I dropped out of college so my job options were limited, hence me trying to get something out of this job. I'll head along to the doc anyway and see what's advised. I'll try to go to someone different this time as the last guy didn't really know how to deal with me.

The friends I'm trying to patch things up with.. they're great people who do care about me but they're not people I would even see regularly. Meeting up can be a big effort. They have their own groups of friends, I'm like a "secondary" friend if you know what I mean. I don't really have anyone to do stuff with. So I'll need to work on that.

wazzoraybelle

I found yoga very helpful when I was suffering badly from depression. As well as eating a wholesome diet ( lots of fibre!! lots of liver!!) and good b vitamin supplement! If you're not up to counselling just yet it's worth a shot.
Good luck.

AngryBadger

OP the best thing i can say right now is try to look at where your life is now, and see what positive things you can find. i know it seems like there aren't any but think about it for a second.

Ok, you hate your job, but you do have one, and that means you have some kind of income, which means you have the capacity to make some plans to change things and put some cash aside to that effect. I know this is a big one, not so much the money but the fact that it'll allow you to exercise some kind of control over things.

People obviously like you if you have had a bf, and you have friends that you can call on now when you need them. Give yourslef a break if you haven't been the most attentive in the last while. Everybody gets distracted by life and the pressures therein,people understand that more than you'd think. As free2fly said, make the effort, and you'll find they#'ll reciprocate.

Do go and see a counsellor about the depression. It's tough to drag yourself up and over these obstacle, but you don't always have to shoulder it alone. Find a counsellor, and don't be ashamed to tell them exactly what you're feeling.

Best of luck OP

the hero game

it's a nightmare w. counselling sometimes.. i went to a guy through work initially and i told him pretty much everything and he just sat there free of any gesture or words and it just ended w. him handing me some 'aware' leaflets.. it was awful.. but then i asked to see someone else and ended up w. the head counsellor who was a wonderful woman and she was very encouraging and helpful, so u can be lucky.. it was free for me too through work so that was important.. unfortuantely she left her post to do something else within the organisation soon after i had started seeing her, but she was there at the right time.. the meds are very expensive but that's what the doc will recommend i'm sure.. even a pill every second day might be useful, but u did say that they did nothing for you before..
so this time right now is awful.. i know about the uncontrollable crying and i'm sure you're constantly thinking about the break-up.. and i know that feeling of losing the one person who u thought understood u.. it's a shame that work is also stressful and disillusioning for ya on top of it.. i don't know how they deal with sick leave where u work but the doc can give u a certificate if u need a week away from there and s/he won't put 'depression' down on it if u ask..
i know it sounds trite but listening to music and keeping my interests going helped me a lot through my break-up, 'cause it was a lonely experience, no-one to really talk to bar that cousellor, so i relied on myself and my interests to get me through it, if that makes sense.. and it will get better, you have to remember that.. it really will, and perhaps eventually this time will make some sense..
so again, best wishes, look after yourself and you can always let us know how you're doing here anytime..