best friend/gf/headwrecker

LegacyUser

Bon Jour,


Right the story is. I'm quite fond of my best (female) friend(name-anne), but lately, i.e last few two months, iv discovered the that its going beyond fondness. Now a number of things have prompted this, firstly we have started spending a lot of time together. Secondly, we are very honest with each other, more so than i would be with anyone else, similarly with herself.

We've kissed a few times, and shared a bed once or twice, cuddling, nothing more. We've also gone on a few (what my other friends are calling) dates, but the concept of them being actual dates never crossed my mind at the time.

Furthuremore, she went out with two of my friends. the first relationship lasted 2 years, but ended badly, because he was cheating on her, so there's no love lost there. The second relationship lasted all of two weeks, and by her own admition it was "a mistake", so it fizzled out.

Now in between the two relationships, bad things happened to her, ill not go into specifics, but i went with her to the appropriate center, and went with her to counselling etc. Not because, i wanted to get with her, but because it was the right thing to do, no one should have to deal with that sort of thing alone.

Now, is my newfound "love" (better than saying "fancying of her") genuine or am i simply feeling sorry for her because she s had a pretty bad few months...

If its genuine then i messed my chances up, because i hesitated and she now has a new bf, who is for all intents and purposes is an idiot, who is with her for one reason.

Too little, to late?

echosound

You say you've kissed a few times before - in what circumstances? Were they drunken smackers, or more intense? Why didn't you follow up on those kisses and see if she maybe felt like you could both go on a proper date etc? How did ye act afterwards - ignore and not mention them, laugh about them, what? Did you get any feeling from her that she was maybe interested in taking it further (ie start dating)?

Has she been going out with this new guy long?

I don't know if you've left it too late or not, I guess it will depend on how long or how serious she is with this current guy.

All I will do is tell you my own experience of a similar(ish) situation - I met this guy when I was about 16, and became friendly with him. Over the years, we both went off and did our own things (I was in a relationship with a good friend of his for years, he was seeing a girl) but always kept in touch. At one particular stage, we had both returned to our home town after living away for many years. We realised (but did not admit to each other) that we had developed strong feelings for each other. After a long time spent dancing round the issue, and spending every free minute with each other, we finally admitted to each other how we felt. Fast forward some years, we're now very happily married.

The reason I'm telling you this is that if you both have feelings for each other (you don't say if she has ever given you that impression or not?) there's no harm just laying your cards out on the table and seeing what happens. In my own situation, I was in a serious relationship with a friend of my husbands' for years, and also after that, dated another guy who would have been an acquainteance of his (the joys of living in a town where a lot of people would know each other). This wasn't as much of an issue as you might think, as, similar to your friend, there is no love lost between me and the ex, or between the ex and my husband for that matter, as he turned out to be a git.

If you really think that you are actually "in love" - let her know, she may only be going out with this new fella as she thinks you have no interest or have lost interest since you kissed and has given up and tried to move on. Do it in a non-dramatic way if you can, as you may put her in an awkward position otherwise. Something along the lines of what you've said about having developed feelings for her, and let her make the choice of whether she turns you down flat as she is happy with her new guy, or whether she thinks she wants to make a go of it with you and ends her current relationship. Be prepared to hear that she is in fact very happy with her current guy, and if she tells you this, be a friend to her and accept it and back off.

Again from my personal situation - my husband was going out with a girl at the time we both moved back to our home town (I was single and randomly dating, nothing serious), but when he realised his feelings for me, he realised he didn't actually love his GF, and broke up with her (before ever we revealed our feelings to each other) as he felt that it was only fair to her not to be in a relationship where one person didn't love the other. He broke up with her, not even knowing if I felt the same way, just felt it wasn't fair that he would stay with his then GF when he wasn't in love with her and had feelings for me, and after a few months told me the reason he broke up with her was "me" and could we try to see if we had a future together. Turns out we did

Be sure though that your feelings for her are "real" rather than "feeling sorry for her" - that's no way to go into starting a relationship with someone, especially if there is another party involved in the mess (ie the current BF, if she does in fact decide to split up with him).

I normally don't advocate stepping on someone else's toes (ie the current BF) and would normally advise keeping your trap shut and letting them get on with things, but if you are deadly serious about making a go of things with her if she feels the same, and you really feel like she's the one, I don't see the harm in just mentioning to her that you regret that you never told her how you really felt, and see what she thinks. If you're just doing this though with the intentions of having just a short term thing or a fling, steer well clear, she won't thank you for possibly splitting her and the BF up and dumping her a month down the line, and you'll more than likely lose her as a friend too.

Loopy

It sounds like you have genuine feelings for her and not that your feeling sorry for her..

These situations can be very difficult, i think honesty is the best policy but if you cant face her how about writing a letter?

Lifes to short.. You seem to really care for her, if you don't do anything you could be makin a big mistake.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies...

in answer to a few questions posed above

-they were not all drunken fumbles, that is to say one of them was.
-she knows how i feel about her, as we talked afterwards, nothing came of it, *my own hesitation*
-As for wether she feels the same, sometimes yes and sometimes no, she's hot and cold really, but in my own experience iv found that to be the case with women
(apologies for what may look like a sweeing generalisation, im referring to woman iv encountered, who acted similarly)


After giving things slightly more thought, i have decided that it would be very selfish on my part, to (attempt) break up a relationship of hers, purely for m own benefit, especially as she does seem to be happy with the new Bf (for reasons i'll never know). Perhaps someday she'll come around to my way of thinkin

But sure as people in my situation generally say "I was here before him, and i'll still be here long after he's gone".