He's into drugs..... I'm not

LegacyUser

For the first time in ages i've met a guy that I really clicked with. Get on really well and he's a pretty decent honest bloke. We're both 25 by the way, he's still in college and i'm fairly well established in my job (just some relevant/irrelevant background info).
The only thing is, he mentioned that he does drugs (coke, pills, hash) the odd time and I'm really not into it. I have some friends who do it the odd time which doesn't bother me, but for some reason I have a problem with going out with someone who does.
At this stage, we've only been seeing each other a few weeks but it looks like we could end up going out.
I don't really think trying to "change" people works although seeing as doin drugs isn't legal and isn't good for you, I guess my question is, is it too much to ask (esp at this early stage)that he quits doin it?
Opinions greatly appreciated!

biko

It's not very likely in my opinion that he would quit and it may even take a turn for the worse. Of course he may quit if you ask him. Or stop with the coke/pills at least.

You should bring it up now! If you wait he will take it a sign of approval "Why didn't you say anything before?".

leninbenjamin

either be prepared to put up with it in the long run, or be prepared for the whole thing to misfire over asking him, there's no other alternative as i see it.

Necronomicon

It's a bit early to ask him to stop, especially if you guys aren't officially an item - but if it really bothers you, just leave this one go.

But just one question, do you know how frequently he uses? If it's non-stop, then maybe it would be best to avoid, but if it's an occasional thing that he does and he doesn't let it get the better of him, then maybe it's worth sticking around. You can see how things go and if it still bothers you, leave before you get too invested. Especially if you already have friends who do drugs and it doesn't bother you.

Rb

I agree with whats been said above.


He's 25, it's probably just a phase, if he's not doing it too regularly I really wouldn't worry about it and it's something, bar the hash, that he'll probably just stop doing as he gets older or gets tired of it.

It is far too early to ask him to stop for you, expect to never hear from him again if you do.

Talliesin

Asking2much? wrote: »

(coke, pills, hash)

Pills and hash I'd say maybe just let it go since you get on with friends who do them (and I can't for the life of me work out why hash is still illegal, though I don't like it much myself) but coke just makes people act like complete assholes while thinking everyone is impressed by them.

Some people may think that they don't act like complete assholes while on cocaine. This opinion will not be backed up by anyone who witnessed them who weren't themselves on cocaine*. Anyone reading this and thinking "but nobody thought that at the boards event I went to on coke", sorry but we all thought you were being a complete dick and wished you hadn't turned up.

People acting like complete assholes are not fun to be with - hence bad as short-term partners - nor good to live with - hence bad as long-term partners. I suggest you just dump him.





*Actually, I did once see someone do cocaine and then not act in a civil, respectful and polite way and converse in a reasonably interesting and engaging manner. Whenever anyone who knows I practice magic and witchcraft asks me if I've ever seen anything "really strange and freaky like" that's always what comes to mind as the strangest most inexplicable thing I've ever seen.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Get to know him better, see how much drugs affect his life & see if it's a problem for you. The fact that he's only told you & you haven't been around him when he's doing it would suggest it's not worrying about.

Just be wary of doing them yourself, I smoked a bit too much hash/weed myself, and there's still a bit of psychological addiction there, was addicted to tobacco previously. Would rather I hadn't got into it so much

Don't really know much abouit pills.

Seen people waste a fortune on Coke & think nothing of it because its the upper class drug. Also the ones who buy it themselves never seem to be enjoying themselves on it.

If you're wary of the culture & feel intimidated then maybe get out. If it's not going to affect you I wouldn't bring it up.

Miss Fluff

Talliesin wrote: »

Pills and hash I'd say maybe just let it go since you get on with friends who do them (and I can't for the life of me work out why hash is still illegal, though I don't like it much myself) but coke just makes people act like complete assholes while thinking everyone is impressed by them.

Agreed. Depends what he means by doing coke the odd time too. If he is a complete fiend just stay clear, it turns people into complete c0cks and just avoid him like the plague.

If he takes some pills the odd weekend or whatever or likes the odd joint, and this won't affect your relationship, then I don't think you are in a position to ask him to stop. He has been straight up with you and tbh making demands like that (when you only know him a short time) isn't really on.

DublinWriter

Asking2much? wrote: »

The only thing is, he mentioned that he does drugs (coke, pills, hash) the odd time and I'm really not into it.

You say 'the odd time' - is it affecting your relationship in any detrimental way?

Without getting into the whole debate about legal vs. illegal, I see many of my friends' relationships damaged by legal drugs such as alcohol and prescribed medication.

Do you think this is a 'control' issue on your part?

davyjose

Talliesin wrote: »

Pills and hash I'd say maybe just let it go since you get on with friends who do them (and I can't for the life of me work out why hash is still illegal, though I don't like it much myself) but coke just makes people act like complete assholes while thinking everyone is impressed by them.

Some people may think that they don't act like complete assholes while on cocaine. This opinion will not be backed up by anyone who witnessed them who weren't themselves on cocaine

I agree with every bit of this.

I'd also like to point out that coke eats your money in a way that nothing else on this planet (barring a mortgage in Dublin) does. And about you having a good job, and him being in college - yes, in that case, it's relevant.

WhiteWashMan

Asking2much? wrote: »

For the first time in ages i've met a guy that I really clicked with. Get on really well and he's a pretty decent honest bloke. We're both 25 by the way, he's still in college and i'm fairly well established in my job (just some relevant/irrelevant background info).
The only thing is, he mentioned that he does drugs (coke, pills, hash) the odd time and I'm really not into it. I have some friends who do it the odd time which doesn't bother me, but for some reason I have a problem with going out with someone who does.
At this stage, we've only been seeing each other a few weeks but it looks like we could end up going out.
I don't really think trying to "change" people works although seeing as doin drugs isn't legal and isn't good for you, I guess my question is, is it too much to ask (esp at this early stage)that he quits doin it?
Opinions greatly appreciated!

if you have a problem going out with someone who does drugs, then i suggest you find someone else to go out with.

dont waste your time waiting for him to turn into something that he clearly isnt.

as for question, yes, you can ask, but be prepared for him to either say he wont quit. or lie, and say he will.

oh yeah, and people who do coke are arseholes. coke heads are the most annoying twats in the entire world. if this is the type of person you want, then go and find someone that is like that all the time without the drugs

Beruthiel

As others have said, hash and pills are one thing and you can live your life quite happily on them if you're only doing them now and again for a bit of fun.
Coke though, that's a different story and can cause you no end of grief if you go down that road.
If I were you, I'd be inclined to sort this out now before you start to like him too much. I personally wouldn't get involved with someone doing coke, they only get worse and it's an addictive habit that costs a lot of money.

bullvine

Is Coke really that bad, I mean have you any experience of it to give such a knowledgeable opinion of the evils of it. Most people grow out of it, I would say half of 20 something’s are taking it regularly.

dudara

We're not going to debate the merits of drugs here people. That's a discussion for another forum.

dudara

Evil Phil

Yep, it really is that bad. Infact its worse than that and to be avoided at all costs (as are the people who do it). OP, if its just a bit of hash and the occasional pill then it might be okay. If they are a regular thing then perhaps you could find somebody a bit more suited to you. If its coke (at any level) I would say get out while the going is good.

But if its really a concern for you already then maybe hes not the right guy.

Dragan

Talliesin wrote: »

Some people may think that they don't act like complete assholes while on cocaine. This opinion will not be backed up by anyone who witnessed them who weren't themselves on cocaine*. Anyone reading this and thinking "but nobody thought that at the boards event I went to on coke", sorry but we all thought you were being a complete dick and wished you hadn't turned up.

I've seen plenty of people act the maggot on coke, i've also seen plenty of people be very well behaved on coke. Coke seems to be the one drug that really can bring out you inner asshole if you have one!!! Talliesin has a very good point here.

Do you know what kind of guy he is when he is on drugs? The simple fact is some people should never.....EVER.....be allowed to do drugs!

I suggest you just chat it out with him OP, let him know your concerns and such.

Binomate

Have you considered taking up drugs? You'd have one more thing in common then.

Beruthiel

Binomate
You know better than to make such an idiotic comment in this forum.
B

bullvine

In my experience the best way to deal with this is just come out and say I'm not into it at all but if you wanna continue doing them thats fine but I'd prefer if it wasn't while I'm around as it makes me uncomfortable. If he can respect this opinion of yours then maybe he is someone you can have a relationship with, if he can't and is not willing to then probably best to move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys! Great help.
I think I will have a chat with him about it. Mention my concerns and say i'd prefer if he didn't do it around me. Perhaps I can guage what he thinks from his response. He already knows it's not my thing and I'm not into it but I think my main concern was that I don't want to be stuck in a situation where he's off his face and I'm sitting there p*ssed off.
As for how often.... I think it's once every few weeks but tbh I don't know for sure (yet!)

LegacyUser

My ex - hence the reason he is ex, was big into coke, he told me he'd stop but he was too easily led especially while out with mates over the weekend. Cocaine has such a huge presence here, people you least expect to do it are doing it. My ex had the respect not to do when I was there but its not the same i still knew he was at it and thats what bugged me.
Basically what im trying to say is, id be very wary of ever getting involved with someone like that again, it takes them over, no point asking him to give it up, he wont - people become too reliant on it. It destroyed our relationship - id get out before you get too close to this guy, its not worth the heartache and arguements you will face over this crap!

AngryBadger

Yes it is too much to ask that he stop dabbling ind rugs for you.

You're only seeing this guy a few weeks, you need to be seeing him a lot longer before you have any claim on his lifestyle.

I'm not condoning him getting coked up, dropping pills or whatever, but it's his call and not yours.

fits

Just to counteract the stories about coke.. I do know some people who used to take it and gave up very quickly... Mainly because they realised it turned them into assholes, so it could just be a short phase.

It doesnt really sound like a problem with this guy. If he's going on sessions every weekend I'd avoid, but if its just the odd time. I personally wouldnt see any reason to stop. He should grow out of it.

However if it bothers you that much, just get out now.

padser

Asking2much? wrote: »

I don't really think trying to "change" people works

Then don't do it. Learn to deal with it yourself - or don't go there.

Asking2much? wrote: »

is it too much to ask (esp at this early stage)that he quits doin it?

That you would even think about asking this shows that you don't really believe the frist comment I quoted.

And yes, it is far too much to ask.

*Page*

I agree with fits

I know a good few who couldnt and a good few who have...

the main thing is why they do it.

the ones who i know who gave up, did it because they only did it to have a laugh and weren't seriously into it.

the ones who wont give it up do it because they need to have a laugh and were big into it.

One close friend of mind occasionaly over the years i've known them have done different types of drugs (pills hash and coke) i asked them not around me and they respected that.

after a while they realised thta nights out were better with out the drugs and the lad they did the stuff with were just a$$holes to being with. they dont do the stuff anymore and are happy about it to.

i'd say just instead of getting out now, find out if this guy clicked with you too. ask him not to do it around you. If it becomes a problem for him to not do it that when you get out and leave him to it.

newestUser

I've always drifted from people who were into heavy drugs. I'm not into it, I pay attention to all the warnings about the dangers of coke/pills (though not hash). If you're prepared to disregard all these warnings, your personality and outlook on life is probably *very* different from mine.

My 2 cents is that a difference over drugs is indicative of differences over lots of things.

SpAcEd OuT

The media scare must really be working.

I know loads of people who take coke and act perfectly fine, and no I'm not on it. The people I know who act like assholes on coke acted the same way when they were just drinking, its not the drug its the person. The media here is demonizing coke to an incredible degree, I mean it's pretty bad but if you were to read any of the papers you'd swear it was responsible for every social problem in this country.

Anyways pills/hash is fairly harmless, if hes doing coke maybe once a week its absolutely nothing to worry about, as long as its a once a week thing

l3LoWnA

Asking2much? wrote: »

I guess my question is, is it too much to ask (esp at this early stage)that he quits doin it?
Opinions greatly appreciated!

Yes, basically, I think it IS too much to ask! It's his lifestyle, he's a good bloke and it's obviously not affecting his personality/life in any bad way so why should he change now?! If he knows you aren't into the same as he is, yet he doesn't volunteer to stop/cut down in order to spend more quality time with you (on same wavelength/buzz as you) then I definately wouldn't ask him to stop! He's 25 and I'm sure this has been his lifestyle for a number of years. He's told you now at the beginning so you know now. That's who he is. If you don't like it, leave him. At least it's early days so no-one gets hurt.

I could be wrong but I'm just guessing that his reaction might not be good if you asked him to stop. I'd advise you to ask anyways as it's obviously an issue for you, maybe he'd love the excuse to opt out of the partying?! And if he won't change for you, leave it at that. Find a guy who's as straight-living as yourself so there's no conflict of interests! It's early days too so no-one will get hurt much!

Personally, I used to use drugs recreationally when I was younger (at weekends, most weekends although not all the time) I met a bloke I was mad about and we fell head over hels in love with each other.....and he wasn't into drugs like me, so I totally calmed down on that scene because I'd met him and I was happy, didn't need to be partying like a wild animal anymore. It's only NOW I realise how much money i wasted on drugs (although, seriously, that's the ONLY negative thing I can say about my previous drug-use!) I guess I'm just saying, if he cares much for you and your lifestyle, I reckon he'll opt out anyways without you having to ask him (unless he's addicted....)

Keith186

Just doo iitt

pretty-in-pink

Smoke, whatever, why is still illegal?
Pills- I would every againnst that, seen some people go very nasty on them
Coke- Some people are unbearable on it, some aren't

The rest, well I guess it boils down to personality type. If you're not ok with the drugs, then don't date him. It could be a phase, it could be a forever thing-we don't knoww, you don't know, he probably doesn't know. Find someone more on your wave length maybe, as a difference this significant probably indicates other big differences along the way. Not all drug users are junkies, or bad people or anything like that, but heck- I don't know many non-users who would want to hang out with someone using. (while they are using, sober is a different story)

Danny2580

I dabbled for a bit, put drugs away when I realised they were pretty crap. Except for the odd spliff Coke had very little affect on me personality wise(yes, proper amounts of good stuff), but pills used to turn me into a complete eejit. Most drugs are bad in one way or another, but to say particular drugs affect people in X or Y way is silly, it really is down to the person.

Nerin

if you tell him you dont like it he might stop. i used to be big into drugs and a wonderful girl came into my life and got me to quit that way. its amazing what a disappointed look can do if you really love someone

Steyr

Get out while you can, it will take over him and his controls, especially in the trouser dept.

Alkers

I can't see it being too much of a problem if you're only going out together and not living together as an item. I would say that he would probably go out of his way for you not to see him while he's on any of the above just as much as you would go out of your war to see him! Win win situation as long as he keeps it within reason and is still the same guy when he's with you or whatever.

Beruthiel

Keith186 wrote: »

Just doo iitt

Another comment like that and I'll ban you from here.
B

Im not gonna sugar coat this. But if i were u, and I give u this based on the experience of having gone out with someone who was exactly the same, for 6 months, I would walk. I say thai sbecause sure u like him alot but the problems will start when he is out without you and u find yourself wondering if he's on coke etc and worrying that hes ok. This becomes a repetitive and tedious process and one I wouldnt advise you to follow. From experience its highly unlikely that he wil change. Also remember that u barely know this guy, a few weeks like, and if something like this bothers u now it doesnt bode well for when he;s trying to integrate u into his circle of friends who could be a bunch of cokeheads themselves



Just apssin on my experience of what its like. At the end of the day only u can decide how best to handle it. At the very leats let him know early that u dont approve of it.

Bethany

The fact that you are posting here shows that you are not happy with it. Fair dues to you I say. If you let it go and carry on, you are implying that you are okay with it. Best be fair to him and yourself. Tell him that you don't like it and that you don't want a relationship with someone who does drugs. If its of no consequence to him and he likes you he'll stop. You are worth that much , if he won't or can't stop HE is not worth it so get the message and get out.

the_syco

OP: what is he like with hash? Is he mellow, paranoid, chilled, or mad? Like alcohol, it affects people in different ways, some people can handle it, some can't.

Coke and pills will usually effect people in one way, and people who use them usually know whet they do, and that's why they use them. Saying that, you never know really what's in the pills, other than what the dealer tells you.

Coke, though, can turn people into a completely different person, so if this is the case, you may be best to drop him.

JC 2K3

Tbh, if you're not around him while he's doing drugs and they aren't affecting him negatively, I don't see what the issue is....

Don't get so hung up on things like this. Someone doing drugs in moderation is no big deal.

It does really depend on the guy but you can decide whether or not not it's something you would bug him over in the future (regardless or not whether it has a negative effect on his behaviour) if so then split with him now