Right or wrong (or a grey area?)

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. Sorry it's so long!

A friend has angered me today and I'm not sure if I have a right to be angry. It's a bit long and complicated so bear with me. She had a go at me today via text even though we're meeting tomorrow and i really thought she could have waited until we met to bring it up in person.

Lets call this friend Annie. I met Annie at work 8 years ago, and also made a fair few other friends in the same workplace, still in touch with some of them today, whereas she isn't. Basically with me she seriously meddled in the start of my relationship with other co-worker, we both then fell out with her. She waited and got back in contact with me a few years later when we had broken up, desperate to be friends again. I thought long and hard and decided to let bygones go and be friends with her again, on a casual basis.We're kinda casual coffee friends, we wouldn't share intimate life details, hols etc.

There's another friend called Emma that I am very close friends with from that place to this day. Annie and Emma fell out a couple of months after meeting as well (8 years ago) and haven't been in touch since at all. Annie has always pumped me for info and gossip on both Emma and other friends we both had from that place. I felt odd about her wanting to know all the details about everyone and then she would refuse when I offered her anyone's mobile number or email to get in touch with them herself.

So anyway. I meet Annie meet maybe twice a month casually for coffee. While her marriage was breaking up we fell out of touch a bit for a year (i didn't know anything about this, she didn't see fit to tell me). When she came back, she was lonely after her marriage splitting up and wanted to use me to put her back in contact with Emma after 6 years, as she has few friends. Emma has now moved on and is a different person to what she was back then (heavy-drinking, problematic etc) and didn't want to keep in touch with anyone else from that part of her life. I live near her so that's partly why we kept in touch. We are very good friends and I would consider her a much closer and more genuine friend than Annie. To cut this long story short I refused, as i believed that Emma would not want that or be interested. They were not close friends and it's a long time ago. Annie was annoyed but I put the foot down and she got used to it.

The thing was, i decided not to tell Emma that I was seeing Annie again, as i said above, Annie refused to take her number or anything to get back in touch so i thought i'd rather not say anything than see Emma hurt. Now Annie has brought the whole thing up again saying it's like I'm ashamed of having her as a friend etc and she is offended that i haven't told Emma, and that it's 'appropriate' to tell her now and what's the big deal?

I think SHE is the one making a big deal about it. It's so long ago. I don't see what the fuss is about. I have actually mentioned to Emma in the last while that i have met Annie for coffee and she was polite but not particularly interested. I feel like Annie is holding this over my head or something. She still hasn't said she wants to contact Emma at all, she just wants her to know we're friends.....wtf...you'd think it was a state secret.

What do ye think? It's my life and i don't think she should demand anything from me. I made it clear when we sorted our differences out that our friendship was between us two and she was to leave Emma out of it. She can't sail in and out of people's lives like that. I don't know now, maybe my thinking is wrong. I'm seeing her soon and while i don't want a fight i don't think she should dictate to me what i should tell anyone. I told her today I would tell Emma and now i'm angry i just let it go like that.....

Commonsense

Get rid of both of them in your life. If you had major problems would either be there for you - er dont think so. Life is complicated why complicate it more than you need to.

Ditch the so-called friends - you dont need the agro.
If they want you as a friend they will repsect you more by not pandering to their silly games. 'Lose' your mobile Id say

LegacyUser

Maybe I wasn't clear after all.

Emma has been there for me, I would talk to her about problems before i would Annie....Emma does not know about all this aggro at all.

biko

The thing was, i decided not to tell Emma that I was seeing Annie again, as i said above, Annie refused to take her number or anything to get back in touch so i thought i'd rather not say anything than see Emma hurt.

If you have to have secret meetings with one friend because the other doesn't like her something is wrong.

Commonsense

Well if you consider Emma a friend I would be honest with her if she asks about Annie. You never know if Annie would bump into Emma. But you choose who your friends with and should not matter to Emma if you talk with Annie. But let Emma know that you keep Annie at arms lenght as you dont trust her

LegacyUser

The reason I (stupidly) didn't say it to Emma is that she lives half the country away and I didn't think it was important. They're very unlikely to bump into each other. Plus I know she's not bothered about seeing Annie again. In my own head I think Annie is jealous as she hasn't many friends and that's why it's eating her, but you're right, i don't really trust her.

Anyone else have advice?

MysticalSoul

I too would tell Emma, as if she is a genuine friend, she would respect that you are meeting her. It sounds to me that perhaps you are somehow trying to "protect" Emma - however from my own experience of that, it can end up backfiring. I would also encourage you to let Annie know how you feel about texting, as I gather from your post that you prefer people to say things to you, and not be text, which personally I agree with. Best of luck!

l3LoWnA

Why bother having coffee with someone if they aren't a true friend and if they ARE a true friend why are you choosing NOT to tell your other friends (who you say ARE true friends)

God, this all seems a bit strange.

if I was that girl, I too would feel you ae ashamed of being my friend. I would feel extremely hurt and I believe it's unfair of you!

If you want to meet this girl for coffee, then you MUST want to be friends with her then what's the big deal with admitting that to other friends! If you, however, are meeting her for coffee out of sympathy as she has very few friends, then do you think THAT in turn is fair on the girl? Pretending to be her pal when you really aren't?!?!

It all sounds very petty but I do understand where that girl is coming from saying you must be ashamed of her!!!

Maple

You made Emma's decision for her, you should have told Emma that Annie wanted to get back in touch and allow Emma to decide if she would like to contact Annie. This, I believe, is the root of the problem.

Zulu

maple wrote: »

You made Emma's decision for her, you should have told Emma that Annie wanted to get back in touch and allow Emma to decide if she would like to contact Annie. This, I believe, is the root of the problem.

Exactly. Why did you bother complicating things? For crying out loud, give her her e-mail address and let them sort it out.

Bethany

You are being manipulated by Anna and you need to sit down and evaluate this 'friendship'. What exactly are you getting out of it? I think that there is a possibility she is only friendly with you so that she can keep track of those other people. She is dangerous and possibly a jealous person. If you need someone like her in your life there is something amiss. Why are you protecting Emma? Are you ashamed of being in touch with Anna ? As you can see from these questions there are a lot of things to consider. Frankly I don't know how you have the energy to keep them all happy. Have a bit of courage and either sort it out with her about boundaries that she cannot pass or tell her that you are no longer able to keep up the friendship as true friends don't behave in that fashion. Just be civil but tell her in no uncertain terms that this situation is intolerable.
Life is too short to spend it with people like that!!!

Carrigart Exile

Its probably not for you to screen who Emma meets from her past life. Tell Annie you will pass on her mobile number to Emma and then its up to Emma to make contact if she wants to.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments.

I also rang another close friend last night who used to know them both and she gave me her opinion, which helped quite a bit.

To one above poster, there is such a thing as different types of friends. It ranges from casual to extremely close. To be honest, I never let Annie get really really close as i said before, she seriously meddled in one of my relationships once and I couldn't fully trust her after that. But she has never let me that close either (see op).

Anyway I'll be seeing her tonight so we'll have a chat. But to be honest, I still fail to understand why a thirty-something woman should be so bothered about someone she last saw 8 years ago and wasn't even close friends with to start with. We all have friends in different parts of our lives. I don't feel like I should have to answer to this girl for anything, although I intend to tell her I'll ask the other girl if she wants to pass on her number.

CrazyNoob

Stop drinking coffee
I mean stop drinking coffee with annie

Dont see why you have to keep her as a friend, I'd have ditched her long ago

muppetkiller

CrazyNoob wrote: »

Stop drinking coffee
I mean stop drinking coffee with annie

Dont see why you have to keep her as a friend, I'd have ditched her long ago

I totally agree here with CrazyNoob ..Annie has burned every bridge she's ever had so obviously has issues with people. Why you feel the need to continue with her is beyond me. Do you feel sorry for her ? Is that why you meet up with her ? If you meet up with her for these reasons then end it now ..As it's better for her too.

Another point is that you should tell Emma that Annie wants to contact her again..Emma at this stage i'm sure is a big girl and can make her own decisions.