Boyfriend cheated - feel like my life is over - 2nd chance?

LegacyUser

I found out last week that my boyfriend of 3 years had cheated on me. He had been with this girl only once, but had actively pursued her (via text & phonecalls).

Under normal circumstances, I would always say that any girl who accepts this is foolish & I could never forgive. But now that I am in this situation, I don't know what to think & reality is very different. I am a very strong person normally, but this has really knocked me.

We were living together, so I moved out immediately & although I am staying with a friend at the mo, I now need to find somewhere new to live also.

We were madly in love, he treated me like a princess, he was everything I would look for in a guy. The hardest thing is that we were at the point of getting engaged, had started architect consultations to build a house & were looking forward to being married & starting a family. So it's not just me breaking up with my boyfriend, it's me letting go of all our future plans also.

As anyone else who has been in my situation knows, life is very hard for me at the moment & although I am certainly not suicidal over it, I can say that I have currently lost the will to live & do not see how I will get through this.

He has said that he is insecure & he liked the attention. It also happened at a point in his life where he felt quite low, maybe even slightly depressed, although this of course is no excuse.

Everthing in me says to let him go, he is a cheat, he lied to me etc...etc...

But of course I still love him very much & can't see my future without him....

I am wondering if I will always regret not giving it a go / giving him a second chance. I know I will have trust issues etc... but something in me feels that if I at least give it a chance - I will have no regrets. At least if that does not work out, I can walk away satisfied that I am doing the right thing, but for the moment, I feel as though I have left him against my will.

Has anybody out there given their boyfriend / girlfriend a second chance & come out the other end happy?

pretty-in-pink

Ouch OP, that was me last summer.

I gave him a second chance, but we never worked through the issues surronding it, and we broke up about a year later. Its a very very horrible place to be, and as for whethere he deserves a second chance or not, well maybe. If you do get back together, do it out of love, not out of fear. I know losing your future like that is terrifying, but its not a reason to return to an unhealthy relationship. I hope things work out for you, whether that means you get back together and are happy and he can be faithful or whether it means you standing on your own two feet and going it alone. I'd talk to him about it anyway, and see what made him do it- other then the stupid "beacause I can" thing. If it was attention only- then why chase her? Its a bit to general, and sounds like a cop out, or like he is trying to blame you (in part at least)

Auldloon

Sorry for how you must be feeling op. I have experienced this from both sides ie been cheated on and cheated myself. Didnt work for me in either situation as trust was lost, guilt took over or the reason for the cheating remained. To me now cheating is the end of the relationship, no exceptions.

I'd be worried that it happened at a point where you were starting to commit to each other.
If it is related to the commitment it may become a pattern.

Capt'n Midnight

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

I found out last week that my boyfriend of 3 years had cheated on me. He had been with this girl only once, but had actively pursued her (via text & phonecalls).

We were madly in love, he treated me like a princess, he was everything I would look for in a guy.

He has said that he is insecure & he liked the attention. It also happened at a point in his life where he felt quite low, maybe even slightly depressed, although this of course is no excuse.

Everthing in me says to let him go, he is a cheat, he lied to me etc...etc...

But of course I still love him very much & can't see my future without him....

If you could see yourself without him then walk away. If you were starting to build then he should have realised that others were off limits.

I'm probably taking this the wrong way, but if he's a charmer would he try again with someone else, is the "insecure" part of the charming. Seriously if he had been chased then you might put it down to a moment of weakness. But chasing is pre-mediatated.

Even without cheating, guilt can be a problem when trying to get back together. Also people can change but they usually don't.

Ask your/his friends if this is an isolated incident.

dlofnep

Is he broke up about the fact that you left him? If he is, then he may still care. It doesn't excuse his actions - perhaps you could both seek counselling if you wanted to give it a second go. It's very easy to say to dump them, but sometimes things are worth fighting for.

You need to make an honest assessment about him. Is he worth it? Would he do it again? Answer them honestly and then make your decision.

CathyMoran

I was cheated on also but he actually went off with the girl and we stayed friends and I dated someone else. Eventually we ended up very happily together. It is not easy to forgive someone for hurting you so badly but it can be done - I would advise relationship councelling at the very least, you need some help and distance to get over this.

My partner cheated when he was at a low point and I do not regret for a second giving him another chance, he made a mistake and I know that he would not do it again - we are soulmates.

davyjose

OP, if you are staying with him because you don't want things to change, then you are making a mistake, they have changed. And you need to ask can you accept and adapt to what has changed. Will you bring it up when you have a fight? Will you get hurt in 2 years time when you watch a TV show where someone cheats? These little things you may have to battle with for the duration of your relationship.
Another thing: would you still be willing to be with him if he caught an STD or was now a father. Remote chances, but still a position he has put you in. Something he has forced you to think about.
I'm not telling you what to do. I don't know you. But you need to thing long and hard if you can really accept this. Because if you are just staying with him cos it's better than the alternative (the pain of breaking up/being alone/starting from scratch), you could be heading up the wrong path.

Laslo

He sounds like a nasty piece of work this fellow... i.e. someone that you thought for so long was a decent bloke and who loved you but was able to mask his pursuit of another woman without you knowing. Until he got caught of course and I'm sure he'll be very sorry. My advice, and it's just my advice nobody else's - finish with him permanently and find someone else. Unless you can give me one good reason that he had to cheat on you other than the fact that he's a selfish p**ck. Were you fighting regularly?

MagicMarker

Leave him. If he had any respect for you he would not have done it. The fact that HE pursued this girl should be enough for you to leave him for good. There is nothing to stop him from doing this again and you will probably never trust him again.

gubby

I wonder how long ago this "cheating" actually happend? was in recently? was he beginning to feel trapped with all these plans.. did he just want to make sure he was with the right person. for gods sake talk to him woman. everyone makes mistakes. if you BOTH want to make it work.. get help.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your replies - I appreciate everybody's honest reponse.

He has obviously said he is completely sorry, that I am the only girl for him etc... etc... I am his life & he can't carry on without me. In relation to a further explanation of his reason for doing it, aside from liking the attention, he has said that he sometimes felt rejected by me.

I will not take any responsibility for his actions, but he was a lot more affectionate in the relationship than I was & he sometimes commented on how it hurt him (That is just the type of person I am - although I would never dream of cheating in a million years)

That is the only reason I can honestly say I am wondering if it is worth going to counselling to see if we can work through this. Obviously I am scared of the future without him, but I would be more scared of living a life of regret / what if ??

Gubby yes this cheating happened recently, approx 2 months ago.

More importantly I am going to take time off for myself right now & should I decide to try & make a go of it, it would not be anytime in the immediate future, I am aware that my feelings / emotions are going to be all for going back with him in the next few weeks - so I will need to wait until my own head is clear before making any decisions

AARRRGH

I don't think couples are ever the same when one of them gets caught cheating.

I would actually be more concerned by his pursuing of the girl, more than the actual act of cheating.

Like, anyone can make a mistake when drunk or whatever, but pursuing someone means there is a continuous conscious decision to cheat...

I do hope it works out for you, but do take the time to really be sure you can return to normal after this.

bronte

That's reallly hard op, I feel for you.
I have been cheated on before and am of the opinion that there is no going back.
It's something I can't forgive, however I was not in your situation when it happened and can't comment on that.
I hope you figure it out and do what you feel is right in your heart.
edit...the fact that he pursued the girl really sucks...because he thought about it.
I would have trouble accepting that.

Chinafoot

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

I found out last week that my boyfriend of 3 years had cheated on me. He had been with this girl only once, but had actively pursued her (via text & phonecalls).

How did you find out?

As has been pointed out already, while he may have been with her only once he did the chasing. This can't be fobbed off as a drunken mistake or a one-off after a big fight or something along those lines. He put thought and energy into being with this girl. That's unbelievably disrespectful to you.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

Under normal circumstances, I would always say that any girl who accepts this is foolish & I could never forgive. But now that I am in this situation, I don't know what to think & reality is very different. I am a very strong person normally, but this has really knocked me.

Of course it's knocked you. Even the strongest of people would find this hard to cope with. I know what you mean about the reality being different. However, how often have you seen someone you know in a tricky situation where you feel they are doing the wrong thing/making the wrong decisions? How many times have you thought that if this person could just view the situation from the outside they'd see things in a whole different light? I know I've experienced situations like that, and usually the view from the outside is the one that makes most sense.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

We were living together, so I moved out immediately & although I am staying with a friend at the mo, I now need to find somewhere new to live also.

Scary, but not impossible.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

We were madly in love, he treated me like a princess, he was everything I would look for in a guy. The hardest thing is that we were at the point of getting engaged, had started architect consultations to build a house & were looking forward to being married & starting a family. So it's not just me breaking up with my boyfriend, it's me letting go of all our future plans also.

Without wanting to sound harsh, plans change. Life changes! Yes it sucks right now, but the fact of the matter is you will cope.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

As anyone else who has been in my situation knows, life is very hard for me at the moment & although I am certainly not suicidal over it, I can say that I have currently lost the will to live & do not see how I will get through this.

I bet you felt winded, like someone had literally kicked you in the stomach when you found out. It's a horrible, horrible situation to be in and it can be very hard to see a way past what you're feeling right now but you will get there. You need to remember that.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

He has said that he is insecure & he liked the attention. It also happened at a point in his life where he felt quite low, maybe even slightly depressed, although this of course is no excuse.

You're right, it is no excuse. If he was having problems and was as "madly in love" with you as he claimed to be, then he should have been able to come to you and discuss his problems. If he can't do that after 3 years together, and instead goes out and cheats on you, what hope would your marriage have?

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

Everthing in me says to let him go, he is a cheat, he lied to me etc...etc...

If it were me, I'd be listening....

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

But of course I still love him very much & can't see my future without him....

Right now you can't. You need to give yourself time. It sounds clichéd but it's true.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

I am wondering if I will always regret not giving it a go / giving him a second chance. I know I will have trust issues etc... but something in me feels that if I at least give it a chance - I will have no regrets.

You admit that you would have trust issues if you took him back. If there's no trust there's no relationship.

Also I really don't buy this regret thing. What do you have to regret? He cheated on you. He messed up your relationship and therefore if anyone should be wondering "what if" it's him. So what happens if you give him another chance and he does it again? Do you honestly believe you will "walk away satisfied"? Of course not. You'd more than likely be even more heartbroken than you are now. You need to look out for yourself and your happiness right now.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

He has obviously said he is completely sorry, that I am the only girl for him etc... etc... I am his life & he can't carry on without me. In relation to a further explanation of his reason for doing it, aside from liking the attention, he has said that he sometimes felt rejected by me.

Again this is something he should have discussed with you. If he can't do that, what hope is there?

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

That is the only reason I can honestly say I am wondering if it is worth going to counselling to see if we can work through this. Obviously I am scared of the future without him, but I would be more scared of living a life of regret / what if ??

You should walk away secure in the knowledge that he is the one who cheated and therefore he is the one who should be what if-ing. Say you do stay with him, you get married, build your house, maybe have some kids, and then you find out that he has done it again. I honestly believe that you would feel far more regret in that situation than if you walk away now. You need to think about yourself right now. God knows he certainly thought about himself before now.

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

More importantly I am going to take time off for myself right now & should I decide to try & make a go of it, it would not be anytime in the immediate future, I am aware that my feelings / emotions are going to be all for going back with him in the next few weeks - so I will need to wait until my own head is clear before making any decisions

It sounds like the best course of action at the moment and I hope that you do take time to try and think about it clearly. Your two posts really seem to suggest you have your mind made up.

Best of luck with everything.

Dinxminx

Been there and it's absolutely horrible. I gave him another chance though and we're still together one and a half years later. You just have to go with your gut. Good luck OP!

jubi lee

god when i was reading that i was asking myself if ur with my ex! sounds exactly the same.

my ex was caught out... as far as i was concerned he was in love with me, also talking about planning permission for house etc...

i gave him a chance and guess what 2 years later, i found out he'd done it again.

up to you whether you wanna be a doormat or not.

If he was 100% committed he wouldn't cheat. simple as.

I am with a great guy now and my life is totally different. i trust him implicitly.

walk away now and find someone who deserves you...

dudara

This is a tough one, and like you said, you just don't know how you will react when you find yourself in this position.

Only you can decide your path forward. You might decide to work through the issues and move onwards. Some relationships become a lot stronger because of this introspection.

You might decide to call it a day.

Both options are good options. But only you can choose the one that is right for you. You do need to sit down and talk to him - but do it in a neutral environment, with no emotional connections for either of you. Try to assess things with a rational head.

Good luck - I do feel for you in this situation

Ickle Magoo

It's really up to you...

Would I go through all the heart-ache, hurt, trust broken, sickness, etc, etc for someone who clearly didn't have enough respect for me or our relationship to keep it in their pants? No..No because A) I've never known a couple where one has cheated that lasted the test of time or long-term damage wasn't done & I think there are so many people in the world there is very little point in putting up with everything someone throws at you when it's very easy to find someone else who may never cheat on you.

But I'm not you, you might think he's worth a second chance.

OP=what did the cheating consist of?
Did he sleep with her? Has he admitted to actively persueing her?What or how did you come to the conclusions that you have?

I'm in the camp of give him a chance.Though thats your call.People do make mistakes that they can regret.
Ok they shouldn't be making a mistake like this one but you have to make a mistake to realise how shoite it was to make that mistake.

It's your call on whether he genuinely feels shoite for this whatever it was.Only you will know this.You won't get you answer to that here.

l3LoWnA

jubi lee wrote: »

god when i was reading that i was asking myself if ur with my ex! sounds exactly the same.

my ex was caught out... as far as i was concerned he was in love with me, also talking about planning permission for house etc...

i gave him a chance and guess what 2 years later, i found out he'd done it again.

up to you whether you wanna be a doormat or not.

If he was 100% committed he wouldn't cheat. simple as.

I am with a great guy now and my life is totally different. i trust him implicitly.

walk away now and find someone who deserves you...

Have to agree, from reading between the lines he sounds exactly like my ex who is now with another poor unfortunate and naive girl (which I admit I once was) His charm and knowledge about how to say exactly what a girl needs to hear were next-to-none!!

He was a womanising, charming piece of muck, who pursued me, got me, had me fall in love with him and believe him with me and then deceived me! if ye are that much in love and he felt depressed etc, why could he not discuss same with you? I'm sorry to sound harsh but COME ON?!? Are you for real? He pusued another girl!!!

I had the excuses from ex - felt trapped, was falling too deep, was protecting myself etc etc etc bullsh*t!! He was just a player who was bored.

Personally, I'd get rid now while you still have a massive life ahead of you and lots of time to enjoy it!! If you take him back you could be wasting a year, maybe two on him when he could very well do it all over again to you in the future.

You will never trust this man again.

Said ex that I mentioned is now with another girl and they've got engaged AND had a baby. I feel so sorry for this girl. He's a serial-heart-breaker! Guess what he text me a few weeks ago "god I'm bored, and the only thing I think I need to kill this boredom would be a weekend with you" Nice eh?! B*stard!!! The baby was about 3 weeks old!!

I told him where to go!!! Obviously, in a sick and selfish way, it was nice knowing he still wants me after so long (confidence boost etc) but how DARE he!!! That poor girl he's with now and their poor child, I tried to warn her near the beginning (she didn't want to know!) but I feel she's in for the same fall I had (and she'll be literally left holding the baby!!)

I think if a man has it in him, not only to cheat but to instigate the cheating, he will always have this deceitful quality and in a way, you are lucky to have found this out, before you have committed to a mortgage and/or a family/marriage!

:mad:

jubi lee

and Remember OP, he will tell you what you want to hear... how he loves you more than anything, how he was afraid of comittment but wants to be with you and get married and have kids, how it meant nothing to him bla bla bla...

if you were that important to him, would he have been pursuing someone else -putting what you thought you had togther at risk?

any guy worth his salt wouldn't cheat on someone he truely loved...

Commonsense

Sounds like this guy knows all the lines and is feeding it to you. Also - re feeling rejected by you - purlease - major guilt trip
Get some distance then decide

John Mason

yeah happened to me a few years ago, the hardest thing was letting go of the future plans we had made, we tried to get back together but the trust was gone. it just prolonged the pain for a lot longer then it should have

But on the bright side, my life is so much better and he got it together with the girl but now he wants me back and i know he is cheating on her (not with me), so as it turned out i was so much better out of it

so i would say, run away very fast and start licking your wounds now and not 6 months down the line but that's just my opinion

summerwine

Hi there!

Thats not a very nice situation your in! Poor u!!

Just thought I'd give you some advise I give alot of my friends that break up over various different situations. I suggest you give it a break of 6 months. When people are under alot of stress or a little down with life, we make bad decisions. After six months life will have found its medium and the repair stage has hopefully kicked in quite a while ago!

So... in 6 months time you've got your groooove back and life isn't looking that bad. Meet up with him then and either he has a new girlfriend and obviously your relationship didn't mean as much to him than you or. you will have realised that life wasn't as good as you thought with him. To give yourself that break, will cause less problems at the moment and provide you with a less emotional and a more detached response than if you would meet now!

I feel for ye sista!

anyhow, good luck and take care of yourself!

LegacyUser

Yes of course I will take my time & decide in due course what the best plan of action is.

Although I am honestly just hoping that it is only a matter of time before these feelings of wanting to go back subside, so that I can happily get on with my new life.

For everyone who has been there, done that ....ie gotten back with someone who cheated & relationship didn't work out, some part of me is thinking that it is easier to walk away knowing you have tried.

At the moment I am finding it so difficult to walk away, with that niggling though of "what if it worked out"?

Out of all my friends who are either single or in couples, they honestly could not believe he would do it to me, as he was so loving...bla...bla...bla.. I could barely believe it myself as he was completely mad about me, so good to me etc ..etc..etc...I reckon he may have been trying to cover up for something else!

Don't get me wrong, I have already walked away, moved out, gone back to work & am in the process of finding somewhere new to live. As far as he is concerned it is completely over.

This all only happened last week, so I know my emotions are still all over the place, but as everyone keeps telling me, I am very strong & I can cope knowing this will pass with time.

Ok thanks again

l3LoWnA

Heartbroken_2 wrote: »

Out of all my friends who are either single or in couples, they honestly could not believe he would do it to me, as he was so loving...bla...bla...bla.. I could barely believe it myself as he was completely mad about me, so good to me etc ..etc..etc...I reckon he may have been trying to cover up for something else!

:eek:

You're still making excuses for a man who blatantly went out of his way to pursue ANOTHER woman and actually get together with her!!!!! My ex treated me well.......my friends were all JEALOUS (and admitted this) as he seemed like THE PERFECT MAN!!! There words used to go something like "you're so lucky" and "he's perfect for you, I'm green with envy" and "I told you your day would come, stop being suspicious and believe in yourself that you deserve this perfect man" He was kind, caring, generous, gentle, a wonderful father, treated me with massive amounts of respect etc etc etc..............all my friends were SHOCKED at what he did also and believed he wasn't the "type"

BUT HE WAS!!

He was a lying cheating nasty piece of work who knew exactly how to act, what to say and how to con women into believing he was that perfect boyfriend!

I'm just saying be careful and stop making excuses fo him. No matter what was going on in his head there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for what he did!! None! Absolutely no getting out of it! He IS a cheat and WILL cheat again. it might not be in the next few years, but believe me, leopards don't change their spots, not the type of ones who actively pursue another woman and cheat with her! Not those kind of leopards!!

If he'd had a drunken "mistake" with a girl or bumped into an ex one night while out on the town, then possibly I'd forgive him! But what he did was so calculated and all! Jeez!+!!

Fair play to you for moving out etc and I'm sorry if I seem to be giving out to you. I'm just saying, from my experience, these sort of "perfect" guys do NOT change!

Stay strong through all of this, you're doing great so far!!!

Princessyvonne

I've been in a simialar suituation...I was with my boyfriend of 4 yrs he cheated on me a few times and I took him back he then did it again and got the girl pregnant. My whole world fell apart and I felt like I couldnt go on. I even knew the girl he got pregnant! I thought we were perfect and so in love but he obviosly thought different. Its takin a while I'm getting over it..... its hard but not impossible

If I ended it when he cheated on me first may be it would have been better for me so please dont rush into getting back with him. Is he really worth it??? When I look back I'm so much better off now and I cant believe I gave him so many chances. Be strong!