Asking my gf to marry me...

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for six years, and am head over heals in love. We live together in a two-room apartment and both have reasonably good jobs (28k/31k). I want nothing more than to marry her and start a family. We have discussed kids and its something we both want, but haven't explicitely talked about marriage. We have booked a holiday next year in Rome for our anniversary, and I want to propose to her while we are there.

The thing is, I have no idea how to go about the engagement ring. I have hinted (and she is smart, so may have picked up the what I was getting at, unfortunately) asking her what types of rings she likes, feigning that I am just curious, and I have the general idea of the style she goes for now. So two questions:

First, how much should I be paying for the ring? I know this might make me seem like a cheap bastard. I love her more than anything, and price isn't the main issue, but I know there is an industry behind marriage, and I don't want to get fooled into spending half my yearly salary on a ring just so some clerk can make an extra commission.

And second, am I right in just trying to find out the style she likes and then buying the ring myself? I think I can find something she would love, but there's a nagging feeling that if she doesn't like it she would wear it and hate it, but not say anything to me. Should I be more explicit in asking her what ring she would like? Ask "if we were getting married, would you like this ring?" I toyed with the idea of getting her friends to ask her, but I don't know most of them that well, and the ones that I do would most likely tell her straight away.

Strokesfan

My friend's boyfriend literally bought one from Argos (Elizabeth Duke's finest as he joked later *hehe*) to propose with and then took her shopping to pick the big fat expensive one that she really wanted.

Thought it was a great idea! Don't try to get away with the cheap ol' thing though, make sure you say it's temporary afterwards...

Capt'n Midnight

Agree with the cheap'n cheerful one and get a better one later. Just make sure she doesn't get the wrong idea though, but you know her personallity better than we do and the chances of that backfiring.

Diamonds ?
With one company holding a near monopoly and so much PR going into recovering from the whole blood diamonds thing that can be an emotive issue for some. You can either sound it out first or maybe use it as an excuse not to get the big one first.

If you think that you can chosse one she would like then go for.
It is very unlikley you are going to pick something hideous.
She is going to love it because it is from you and its sparkley anyway.
I think she would have warned you if she was the type who wanted to pick her own.

I think it is a very personal thing and certain women will be disappointed if they don't get the whole fairytale proposal.

Suss it out some more.

Darando

wasn't there a huge thread on advice about heading to Antwerp, Belgium (diamond capital) for a weekend with g/f to buy engagement rings.....?

jd83

ALso make sure its not one of those rings that leaves a green mark on her finger but seriously the get a cheap but nice one first then let her pick the one she wants after the proposal.

CathyMoran

I agree with getting the cheap and cheary one for the actual engagement - much as I love my ring I would have prefered if I could have picked mine. Have a great time proposing and from experience, being married is amazing, I have never been happier in my life.

Overheal

go on ebay and lookup Decoder
rings... oh yes.

doubles as a good way to send her encrypted messages

Capt'n Midnight

Overheal wrote: »

go on ebay and lookup Decoder
rings... oh yes.

doubles as a good way to send her encrypted messages

I bought her one of those mood rings so that I would be able to see her moods.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.

The weekend away sounds good, maybe propose on the weekend and then do the shopping ?

sjaakie

my ( now husband ) did not buy me a engagement ring, and im happy about that, i picked it out myself and i absolutly love it.

but when it comes to the proposal, you do want to give a little box with something in it, i suggest some really pretty earrings or necklace and tell her that the two of you will shop for the ring, so she has her own input .

i highly highly reccomend the site: www.diamondsonweb.com , its an american site, exchange rate is great atm and you can design the ring yourself.

sjaakie

actually, i thought of something, you ask what to spend on it.. the fact is : it does not really matter.
Important thing in diamonds is clearity, cut etc.

id say atleast half a carat.

diamonds here in ireland are way over the top priced, same in amsterdam or brussels.

if you are gonna spend money on it, i would definitly let her pick it out.

its very personal and it will be in the family forever, sign of time aswell.

gl. and have fun

r3nu4l

OP, have a look here for loads of advice.

The cheap and cheerful temporary ring is a great idea. Go with that. When it does come to buying the actual ring make sure that when you go to a jewellers you both have a look. When you know what cut, carat, colour and clarity you can afford, go away and look in other jewellers for rough quotes.

You are right in saying that many jewellers will want to make a profit from a ring. When I was getting engaged the jewellers originally quoted me £X (I live inthe UK) for the ring. I made a point of looking at my watch a few times before saying casually "I don't want to rush my decision and I do have an appointment in another jewellers in 15 minutes to talk about a ring I'm looking at there, so I need to go soon."

Sure enough the seller said she would "talk to the manager" and I got a re-newed quote for £X-500. At that, they still made a profit so DON'T accept the first quote.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. The temporary ring idea sounds great, but the idea of bringing her out to pick the "real" one doesn't sit well with me. Is it not a bit bad to have her standing there beside me and able to pick based on price aswell? I don't want her picking out something she doesnt love just because she thinks the one she would want is too expensive.

Jeapy

You should have a look on ebay. theres loads of simulated diamond rings for around $80. You could pick the ring you think she'd like, then when she says yes (fingers crossed ), if she likes it, you could find a real one and if she doesnt...hey it was only $80!

Ive talked to my bf about this and he said "i'd pick the ring. If shes marrying me she'd like it". I think thats rubbish, Id want to pick it myself!

I know somebody who bought a simple white gold wedding ring and proposed with it. She picked an engagement ring after and used the original ring as her wedding band. Thought that was a nice idea. Good luck!

jackdaw

Peter1981 wrote: »

I've been going out with my girlfriend for six years, and am head over heals in love. We live together in a two-room apartment and both have reasonably good jobs (28k/31k). I want nothing more than to marry her and start a family. We have discussed kids and its something we both want, but haven't explicitely talked about marriage. We have booked a holiday next year in Rome for our anniversary, and I want to propose to her while we are there.

The thing is, I have no idea how to go about the engagement ring. I have hinted (and she is smart, so may have picked up the what I was getting at, unfortunately) asking her what types of rings she likes, feigning that I am just curious, and I have the general idea of the style she goes for now. So two questions:

First, how much should I be paying for the ring? I know this might make me seem like a cheap bastard. I love her more than anything, and price isn't the main issue, but I know there is an industry behind marriage, and I don't want to get fooled into spending half my yearly salary on a ring just so some clerk can make an extra commission.

And second, am I right in just trying to find out the style she likes and then buying the ring myself? I think I can find something she would love, but there's a nagging feeling that if she doesn't like it she would wear it and hate it, but not say anything to me. Should I be more explicit in asking her what ring she would like? Ask "if we were getting married, would you like this ring?" I toyed with the idea of getting her friends to ask her, but I don't know most of them that well, and the ones that I do would most likely tell her straight away.

You shouldn't fall into this bull**** of spending 1000's on a ring that African babies were murdered for ... (don't kid yourself -- the diamond trade has blood no matter where you go-- That film Blood Diamond was a crock of **** .. "you must insist with the diamond dealer that these are blood free diamonds" .. that's basically to make people feel better after seeing the movie.. ) ..

If she knows you love her you won't need to buy something invented by Americans as "ladies best friend" .. like my gf !

if you end up buying her one .. well sleep well (i don't know how you will)..

Jeapy

Jeapy wrote: »

You should have a look on ebay. theres loads of simulated diamond rings for around $80. You could pick the ring you think she'd like, then when she says yes (fingers crossed ), if she likes it, you could find a real one and if she doesnt...hey it was only $80!

Ive talked to my bf about this and he said "i'd pick the ring. If shes marrying me she'd like it". I think thats rubbish, Id want to pick it myself!

I know somebody who bought a simple white gold wedding ring and proposed with it. She picked an engagement ring after and used the original ring as her wedding band. Thought that was a nice idea. Good luck!

I like the wedding band idea, but as for the cubic zirconia, I think if you were going that far to get something that wasn't jokey (I like the decoder idea!)Well I think you'd be better off to get a nice gem stone ring, Star sapphires have a special feel, are cheap, and it wouldn't cost much to get one made into a nice ring especially for her.

Marksie

Jackdaw: If you want to lecture on the diamond trade, take it too humanities. Keep it on topic

biko

Nothing says "I love you" like an overvalued and superficial rock clawed from the soil by underpaid/ slave labour.

OT, get her a thin silver ring as a token/engagement ring. Then ask her what she wants as a wedding ring? Maybe a small discussion on how diamonds are won will make her want another ring - a win-win situation?

dudara

biko Please heed Mark's comment above.

Final warning to all posters - no more comments on the moralities of the diamond trade.

LegacyUser

If you will forgive me this, dudara (if not, since I'm anon I guess this post wont appear ), can I just comment that my gf is very conscious about the moral issues surrounding diamonds - that's one of the things I picked up on when I was enquiring about her taste in rings. We had a conversation with a friend who was getting married a while back, and she (my gf) commented that she would not be upset if her ring didn't have a diamond so its really a non-issue. She has never said specifically that she didn't want one, but my question shouldn't be read as a commentary on the issue one way or the other.

Moving on from that though, my second question remains: how much should I be paying, and does bringing her along to pick a ring (assuming I follow the 'placeholder ring' idea) not mean that she would be influenced in choice by whether or not it was too expensive?

Peter1981

Peter1981 wrote: »

Moving on from that though, my second question remains: how much should I be paying, and does bringing her along to pick a ring (assuming I follow the 'placeholder ring' idea) not mean that she would be influenced in choice by whether or not it was too expensive?

I might be a bitch, but If I was being brought along. I would go for the most expensive thing I knew himself could afford without filing for bankruptcy.
Because it is a lifetime investment, and because alot of men don't make you feel very appreciated, at times. So when I'm old and neglected, I can delight in the knowledge that he was prepared to be robbed blind for romance at one time.

People are saying you spend 3 months salary now, it is traditionally 1 month.

Dinxminx

Heh, moonbaby made me laugh! I agree with her though. I'd be the same!

ali.c

Tbh budgeting is a fact of life, you could always discuss the budget with her before you go shopping.

I have friends who have gotten engaged and really the amount spent varies (plus its difficult to ask well how much was the ring). From what i can work out it varies quite significantly. Anything from the girl paying for half of the ring to eh 3 months salary. Really i think it comes down to the couple involved and their circumstances.

If she is not set on having a diamond and has a moral standpoint i would be inclined to let her to the choosing.

Good luck with it anyhow and you do know your gf best so if you think she will feel bad picking an expensive ring maybe just let her know that your happy to spend the money but have a rough idea of how much you think is reasonable.

Nevyn

Sort out your budget, do some research as to what jewlers you want to go for and make an appointment to bring her in to pick a ring. Let the jewlers know what your price range is and they can sort out a tray with a slection of rings in that range.

Wacker

I heard once that one should spend about a month's wages on the ring. I'm unmarried though, and I don't follow these things too closely, so don't depend upon my opinion whatsoever.

shardylan

Ive been with my partner for 11 and half years ,no proposal but if it did happen i would be glad to get the proposal ,ring is just a symbol.If your girlfriiend loves you it wont matter about the size or expense of the rock ,just make sure its a memorable proposal

*Page*

Strokesfan wrote: »

My friend's boyfriend literally bought one from Argos (Elizabeth Duke's finest as he joked later *hehe*) to propose with and then took her shopping to pick the big fat expensive one that she really wanted.

Thought it was a great idea! Don't try to get away with the cheap ol' thing though, make sure you say it's temporary afterwards...

I've heard of 2 other ppl doing this i think its the best option!

projectmayhem

Strokesfan wrote: »

My friend's boyfriend literally bought one from Argos (Elizabeth Duke's finest as he joked later *hehe*) to propose with and then took her shopping to pick the big fat expensive one that she really wanted.

Thought it was a great idea! Don't try to get away with the cheap ol' thing though, make sure you say it's temporary afterwards...

i know someone who did that. bought a nice (but cheapish) ring, made the proposition and then afterwards went off so she could pick one out that she wanted.

ironically enough she kept the ring they had and went on an engagement honeymoon type of thing instead of getting an expensive ring.

NextSteps

Moonbaby wrote: »

I might be a bitch, but If I was being brought along. I would go for the most expensive thing I knew himself could afford without filing for bankruptcy.
Because it is a lifetime investment, and because alot of men don't make you feel very appreciated, at times. So when I'm old and neglected, I can delight in the knowledge that he was prepared to be robbed blind for romance at one time.

Heh, that gave me a whole new perspective!:D

Bethany

If you go to askaboutmoney.com there is a very informative thread about engagement rings which you might find helpful. What to spend on a ring depends on the girl, the financial situation and to be honest, maybe you should both discuss it. Many years ago, I was with my partner when we bought the ring. We had little or no money and we both bought it!!!Still together years later. Whatever suits.!!! I personally would find it very mean to try to get someone I loved to spend too much on me!!! I'd much rather we were both happy with the amount spend on what , believe me , is actually a very unimportant thing in the whole scheme of marriage. Best of luck!!!!

20 Times 20 Times

The answer to this is a personal decision to be made by the people it affects because the amount paid will impact the joint finances of the future couple.The term “two months salary” as how much to spend on an engagement ring is an entirely arbitrary statement, invented in part by the industry itself. There is no justification to get into debt to purchase a ring. A large diamond in a costly metal does not symbolize greater love and commitment.

Capt'n Midnight

If someone got three months salary from me then I'd insist on getting the ring back if we didn't get married. It being a contract and all that. You are talking about a years disposable income or rent / mortgage and that's before the wedding day and honeymoon. They say one test of love is to ask yourself if you could still be with this person if they bankrupted you.

Setun

I know a lot of people who work with metals and do jewellery design in college. If I was proposing to my gf in a few years I'd go to them and get a ring designed with my gfs likes/dislikes in mind. Much more personal, and for someone like my gf it'd mean a lot.

Btw to those who said that they'd pick the most expensive ring their OH could afford - you are missing the point of an engagement ring. completely.

dirtydress

jackdaw wrote: »

You shouldn't fall into this bull**** of spending 1000's on a ring that African babies were murdered for ... (don't kid yourself -- the diamond trade has blood no matter where you go-- That film Blood Diamond was a crock of **** .. "you must insist with the diamond dealer that these are blood free diamonds" .. that's basically to make people feel better after seeing the movie.. ) ..

If she knows you love her you won't need to buy something invented by Americans as "ladies best friend" .. like my gf !

if you end up buying her one .. well sleep well (i don't know how you will)..

Clearly you know nothing about the diamond business if you want to paint everyone with the same brush. How ignorant of you to claim that all diamonds are blood diamonds....do you even know where diamonds come from? As someone who works for a small jewellery company i know where our diamonds come from and the precautions taken. Not everyone is a muti-national money-grabbing company.

Sorry for the OT but on topic again...personally I think its romantic when the guy picks the ring. You will be choosing your own wedding rings so why not let this be a surprise? Stick with diamonds (unless she doesnt like them!) as you'll rarely find a completely horrible one. I've heard the guideline that you should spend one months wages on the ring but i think thats crap...you can get beautiful diamond rings for 5-700 euro. And of course its a good idea to get a guarantee from the company that the diamonds are ethically sourced since, as you say this is important to her too.

Make sure you steal one of her rings preferably one she wears on one of the ring fingers when you go to buy it so you can get as close to her size as possible and leave enough time in case sizings need to be done before you go away...theres nothing more romantic than having the ring (any ring) slip on to the finger easily and "seal the deal" Good luck!

Marksie

Dirtydress: did you read all the warnings in thread?. Apologies or no aplogies for OT posting.
Banned 1 week.

Daddio

Daddio wrote: »

I know a lot of people who work with metals and do jewellery design in college. If I was proposing to my gf in a few years I'd go to them and get a ring designed with my gfs likes/dislikes in mind. Much more personal, and for someone like my gf it'd mean a lot.

Btw to those who said that they'd pick the most expensive ring their OH could afford - you are missing the point of an engagement ring. completely.

Actually I think your the one missing my point.
I would love to be getting engaged to a man who would put thought and effort into making the ring special, like you. Thats the ultimate in proposal scenarios.
But there are signifigant numbers of Irishmen who have been trained by Mamies to take women for granted. And they would rather have their Bóllix chopped than have you feel special, because its the same thing in their eyes.
They are the type who make you wait ten years to casually slip it in a lets come to a mutual agreement "proposal" during the ad of Emmerdale.
Just because your not getting the romance doesn't mean that your not in love or good for each other or capable of having a wonderful marraige.
And likewise just because you have everything else going for you doesn't make it any less hurtful when your special time isn't as special as is everyone elses.

Jesus Wept

Women are so materialistic.

dudara

keep it on topic folks.

dudara

shapez

To the OP. I like you was clueless about diamonds etc. at the start. I educated myself for over a year in diamonds before proposing to my girlfriend.

I have the one and only best piece of advice to you...

In Amsterdam there is a diamond factory called Coster Diamonds. http://www.costerdiamonds.com/

After I propsed with a mock ring, we went to about 4 diamond factories and about 5 shops in Amsterdam while we were there and believe me when I say this, Coster Diamonds is far ahead of the rest.
The diamonds in this factory are all fair trade diamonds as well.

The choice is entirely up to you at the end of the day but for top quality at very good value you will not go wrong at Coster Diamonds. Plus, Amsterdam is a beautiful city for culture and relaxing. I can recommend a fabulous hotel as well if you are interested.

I wish you the very best.

LegacyUser

If you want to go for a real diamond ring, and not spend a huge amount - Why don't you look into getting a ring using a clarity enhanced diamond - Which is basically where they use a process to fill in any flaws the diamond may have.

In general, you'll get a much better price per carat than a straighforward diamond, and depending on the amount of inclusions, it can be virtually impossible to tell the difference with the naked eye.

Sometimes due to serious heat or pressure, the inclusions can become visible, but the treatment is usually guaranteed for life - If it happens, the dealer will fix it free of charge.

There's a whole bunch of clarity enhanced diamond sellers on eBay in the US. The exchange rate makes it very affordable, and you could get something that looks a lot more expensive than it is - Without being deceitful, your potential fiancée would never know.

You would probably get stung by customs for shipping in the ring - You'd still be saving a lot, but it'd be a better idea to wait until after Christmas when the boys at customs will be less on the lookout, do a weekend trip to NYC (Where all the dealers are), either have the ring shipped to your hotel room or buy directly. Better still, fly her to NYC and propose there. Customs are less likely to hassle a lady with the ring on her finger

nitrogen

Moonbaby wrote: »

Actually I think your the one missing my point.
I would love to be getting engaged to a man who would put thought and effort into making the ring special, like you. Thats the ultimate in proposal scenarios.
But there are signifigant numbers of Irishmen who have been trained by Mamies to take women for granted. And they would rather have their Bóllix chopped than have you feel special, because its the same thing in their eyes.
They are the type who make you wait ten years to casually slip it in a lets come to a mutual agreement "proposal" during the ad of Emmerdale.
Just because your not getting the romance doesn't mean that your not in love or good for each other or capable of having a wonderful marraige.
And likewise just because you have everything else going for you doesn't make it any less hurtful when your special time isn't as special as is everyone elses.

I love your grammar, but your stereotypical view of Irish guys and your materialistic wants are sickening.

Capt'n Midnight

It's halloween !

Give her the slice of brack that has a ring in it.

seraphimvc

for the ring,go straight to a Tiffany.co shop:Danyone of them will do.(not materialistic or watsoever involved here,its just my dream to buy my another half a ring from there:p)

for the proposal,dont copy it from any movie cause' they are well known,try some nobody-know novels instead:Dor if she doesnt watch grey's anatomy,i recommend you say something like Dr.Burke would say for his wedding vows:D

easy,eh?

congrats btw,6 yrs eh?mate,long run finally to an end?all the best wishes to you:P

Evil Phil

Moonbaby wrote: »

Actually I think your the one missing my point.
I would love to be getting engaged to a man who would put thought and effort into making the ring special, like you. Thats the ultimate in proposal scenarios.
But there are signifigant numbers of Irishmen who have been trained by Mamies to take women for granted. And they would rather have their Bóllix chopped than have you feel special, because its the same thing in their eyes.
They are the type who make you wait ten years to casually slip it in a lets come to a mutual agreement "proposal" during the ad of Emmerdale.
Just because your not getting the romance doesn't mean that your not in love or good for each other or capable of having a wonderful marraige.
And likewise just because you have everything else going for you doesn't make it any less hurtful when your special time isn't as special as is everyone elses.

And you'd marry somebody like this? Wow, you have really low standards.

OP: buy a cheap and cheerful ring to do the proposing with then go pick a proper ring with her. Thats seems to be the traditional approach. Do you know if she expects you to ask her Dad's permission for her hand in marriage?

Evil Phil

Evil Phil wrote:

Do you know if she expects you to ask her Dad's permission for her hand in marriage?

If my bf tried doing that he'd get a slap.

Careful either way OP and good luck!

Evil Phil

bluewolf wrote: »

If my bf tried doing that he'd get a slap.

I take it you don't and AFAIK he's not your boyfriend

Its come as a suprise to me how common this actually is. Up until quite recently I thought 'Yeah right, this isn't the middle ages ya know'.

Apparently traditional is the new um, tradition.

dudara

I'd kind of like it if my partner did ask my Dad, even if only as a mere formality. I'll marry who I like anyway, but there's something to be said for a little bit of respect.

fatmammycat

dudara wrote: »

I'd kind of like it if my partner did ask my Dad, even if only as a mere formality. I'll marry who I like anyway, but there's something to be said for a little bit of respect.

What's respectful about that? He wouldn't be marrying your father. You're not property, and that's what that 'tradition' stems from.

Evil Phil

fatmammycat wrote: »

What's respectful about that? He wouldn't be marrying your father. You're not property, and that's what that 'tradition' stems from.

Its really a choice of personal preference really, some women are okay with it, some aren't. I was just suggesting that the OP find out where she stands on this particular thorny issue.

dudara

fatmammycat wrote: »

What's respectful about that? He wouldn't be marrying your father. You're not property, and that's what that 'tradition' stems from.

It's nothing to do with property. As I said, I'll marry who I choose. It's more about my Dad and doing something respectful for him.

Evil Phil is right in saying that you should check things like these out. While they won't break the proposal, they might make it more romantic for both of you.

fatmammycat

dudara wrote: »

It's nothing to do with property. As I said, I'll marry who I choose. It's more about my Dad and doing something that he would like.

Evil Phil is right in saying that you should check things like these out. While they won't break the proposal, they might make it more romantic for both of you.

I don't need patriarchal claptrap to feel romantic. You are mistaken, it does indeed stem from a time when daughters were regarded as the property of their fathers. The future husband was obliged to seek the father's permission to become engaged. The the men decided. Sometimes regardless of whether the girl in question wanted to get married to that man or not.
It may have become watered down over the years as women asserted independence, but that's what it is from and respect for the future bride has nothing to do with it.
I'm not trying to belittle your opinion, I just don't see how it is respectful.