Breaking up with someone you still love...

LegacyUser

How do you go about breaking up with someone you're still in love with??

I've been with my bf for a few years and I love him more than anything in the world. It breaks my heart having to even think about breaking up with him but... there is something about him that I can't live with anymore. I've posted about it before on here, and it's his lack of social skills. He just hates any kind of social occasion. And as much as I try to go on as if this isn't a big deal, I just can't do it anymore. I go out with my friends, have a laugh etc etc and all that is fine. But the family side of things drives me mad. I love my family and theyre very important to me but he refuses to do anything family related. If they call he goes upstairs and stays there till they go. He won't come to family birthday parties, anniversaries or anything like that.

Anyway, nevermind all that. My questions is, has anybody broken up with someone that they were still in love with? I know that this will come completely out of the blue for him and he'll be very, very angry. I don't want to hurt him, but i think i need to look after myself. I'm absolutely dreading it

Strokesfan

When you love him like that - I think you will really regret it. Without sounding like you're giving him an ultimatum, try to make him get involved a few more times - If it doesn't work out after a couple more months, then maybe talk about breaking up. The fact you say you're "still in love" with him, I think means you don't want to break up - you're just at your wits end.

togster

Hey OP. I know how your bf feels. Albeit i don't avoid the situation with my gf family. I really like them etc but feel slightly uncomfortable in their presence. Lately it is because of the fact that i do not want to be seen to get between my gf and her family. So i try to limit the time i sprend witht both parties at the same time.

However if it bothers you... and you fell you need to break up then the best way is to be sure. Don't go breaking up if you are not because the indiciveness will make the break up harder for bothe of you and hurt you bf terribly. You will need to cut all communication and unless you are sure it won't work

Best of luck

faceman

OP i havent read your other threads so i dont know your full story. I have a million and 1 questions to ask you about why you want to do it.

Presumably you have told him before about this and told him you need things to improve or its finished? Have you tried to help things improve? If not its a bit heartless in splitting up and you will regret it.

there is no easy way to do it. It will hurt you and him so be 100% sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

CathyMoran

Hi, I remember your posts from before. If it were me I would stick with your bf. People can and do change. I was hopeless at spending time with his family but have been to two weddings and a graduation in the past year as well as numerous meet ups - I realised how much it was hurting my husband and I made the effort, it gets easier with time. For me it was hard as my husband has a lot of siblings but I only have one. You have to make it clear to him that it is a breakupable issue.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for replying. One of the posters has it spot on. I don't want to break up with him, but i'm at my wits end.
He actually used to be better before. But now that we're together so long he seems to be more comfortable saying no to me and doesn't even give it a 2nd though.
Faceman, yes I have told him. I asked him to come to something (not family related) during the week and he said no. I knew he was going to say no anyway so had alternative arrangements with a friend lined up. I told him that I wanted him to come, that other bf's would be there, and i'd love if he came. Nothing... he just goes all quiet and doesn't say anything whenever I broach the subject. So I told him that it was ok, that this wasn't the end of the world to me but that there will be other things in the future that i'll want him to go to and if he doesn't change it'll finish us. He just laughed it off and said I'd never finish it cuz he knows we're both mad about each other.

Talliesin

Sometimes it's necessary to get someone you love out of your life. Whether that's the case in this particular situation I wouldn't feel placed to say, but if you can't build a life together with someone that is good for both of you then loving them doesn't make that better, it just makes it worse.

jackdaw

I think you should try and get him some help ?

like a class .. for confidence .. sh*t i can't remeber the word !!!

Anyway he is obviously painfully shy .. I feel awkward around my gf's family
cos i can barely speak the language!!!!!

but I get by..

he needs to get more confidence in himself ..

LegacyUser

jackdaw wrote: »

I think you should try and get him some help ?

like a class .. for confidence .. sh*t i can't remeber the word !!!

Anyway he is obviously painfully shy .. I feel awkward around my gf's family
cos i can barely speak the language!!!!!

but I get by..

he needs to get more confidence in himself ..

I thought i'd replied this morning but it hasn't appeared yet, not sure if that's cuz it's annon or I did something weird!

I have said it to him faceman. Only last week I asked him to come to a dinner with me and he said no. I knew he wouldn't come so had made alternative arrangements anyway but I wanted him to know that I wanted him to be there. I told him that it was ok not to go to it, but that there would be things in the future where I'm going to want to put the foot down. I told him that if it doesn't change then it'll break us up. He just kinda laughed it off and said i'd never break up with him. He knows i'm mad about him.

Tbh it used to be easier to get him to go to these things when we were only together a few months. It feels like back then he was making more of an effort because we were still in honeymoon stage. Not it's like he feels more comfortable saying no to me.

As for the class suggestions. I wish! I know it'd be great for him but there's not a hope in hell he'd agree to it.

Try to break up now by cutting him off completly.
If it doesn't work make sure and spell everything out to him in a lengthy discussion. Tell him how his actions make you feel till you know he understands.
Then tell him how you want him to improve and set a deadline.
If he doesn't make the effort, then you have time to accept that he never will and when the time comes you can cut him out without entertaining any excuses or promises he makes.

If he isn't willing to priortise your happiness above his laziness, he doesn't deserve to have a life with you.

McGinty

Hi Op

I have finished with somoene I love in the past and to be honest it is horrible, it is so much easier to dislike the person you are breaking it off with but if you are feeling so strongly about him being a part of your social life to the point that you want to end it then this is a huge issue for you, does he really know how big this is? If he does not take what you say seriously then it is showing a lack of respect, tell him how much it means for you and even tell him (seriously) that you are considering ending the relationship regardless of whether you love him, if he is willing to work with you some of the way then you are onto something, if you not it may be that you will have to end it. I hope he works with you on this, if not my thoughts are with you, if you do end it my advice personally would be to limit/ end contact all together, it is more painful over time you will heal quicker, and expect a lot of hurt, it will be inevitable. The very best of luck,

Elessar

I know from experience that is it impossible to change anyone. They have to change themselves. Trying will only fall on deaf ears. Nobody is perfect, and if you truely love this person, why would you allow this to breakup your relationship? Real love is rare and shouldn't be thrown away so lightly. If what you are telling us is correct, breaking up would be a big mistake.

I think it is you that will have to change to accept him as he is.

pretty-in-pink

There should be some compromise, its not fair to put you on the spot by being rude to your friends/family etc. Similarily, you could spend more time with just him. Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough, and if you have tried everything, then eventually the love you feel will turn into resentment, and thats not a nice feeling

White Knight

You have to let him know you are serious about this. He probably has it in his mind that he can get away with it and that its not that big of a deal.

you need to sit him down in a situation where he cannot ignore what you are saying or laugh it off. You have to really emphasise the point otherwise his comfort zone wont be breached. Even threaten a break to think about it etc.

LegacyUser

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

There should be some compromise, its not fair to put you on the spot by being rude to your friends/family etc. Similarily, you could spend more time with just him. Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough, and if you have tried everything, then eventually the love you feel will turn into resentment, and thats not a nice feeling

Ya see, it's not that he's rude. When he's there he's great, and everyone gets on great with him. It's just getting him there.

milkerman

I have to play Devil's Advocate here.
My wife comes from a large family. I have 3 siblings. I go to all the usual social occasions with my wife.
But I fcuking dread the thought of spending any time in the company of her family. I really have a genuine love for my missus, but an equally genuine dislike of her family. My wife has learned to accept this. My wife equally dislikes my mother and avoids her like the plague. This is all part of partnering up with someone.
Does your bf only show this reluctance to associate with your family or does he not want to socialise with you publicly? Only you can make this distinction, if your answer is the latter you might be better parting.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

milkerman wrote: »

I have to play Devil's Advocate here.
My wife comes from a large family. I have 3 siblings. I go to all the usual social occasions with my wife.
But I fcuking dread the thought of spending any time in the company of her family. I really have a genuine love for my missus, but an equally genuine dislike of her family. My wife has learned to accept this. My wife equally dislikes my mother and avoids her like the plague. This is all part of partnering up with someone.
Does your bf only show this reluctance to associate with your family or does he not want to socialise with you publicly? Only you can make this distinction, if your answer is the latter you might be better parting.
Best of luck

Milkman, it’s all event type things. Doesn’t matter if it’s his family or my family or a big group of people that he doesn’t know. The only thing that really bothers me is the my family part of it. I can get over the rest of it, it’s not a major deal to me. Whenever I bring it up he tells me that it’s not just my family that he hates his own family events too, which is completely true, and very hard to argue with!

faceman

it more and more sounds that your bf has fine social skills, he just doesnt want to socialise around people that you do.

That happens at some stage to some degree in every relationship. And all relationships are about give and take.

Rather than dumping him, if you havent done so already, you should talk to him along the lines of this. Tell him you are mighty annoyed that he doesnt make some effort for you. Acknowledge that you dont expect him to attend every social gathering but do expect him to attend sometimes. Tell him that not doing so, is selfish and a lack of respect. If he doesnt play ball and it means that much to you then dump him. from the sound of things it will give him a rude awakening and he will probably come running back.

The other thing that hasnt been mentioned is that perhaps your family/friends are complete pyschos who beat him up when you are not looking and he is afraid to say it?? Only joking!!!

Let us know how it goes

Ickle Magoo

I broke up with a man I lived with for 3yrs & whom I still loved because I knew he just wasn't the man for me & was never going to be...

It was hard on both of us & I panicked for a while that I'd done the wrong thing & was almost swayed to stay put & see if we could "work things out" - but I'm so glad I followed my instincts.

There are some differences I can live with (reading choice, politics, religion, music, food, friends, etc, etc) & some I can't - spending the rest of my life attending social functions that I enjoy alone or feeling the guilt that my other-half is there very reluctantly would be one of them...

I broke it off, changed mobile number & made a point of avoiding anywhere he might frequent. hth

vorbis

OP, I don't think he realises how important you take this stuff. Tbh I'm a bit surprised by the whole "dump him if he doesn't want to come along" remarks. For me anyways, this would be a small issue.

I'd say he should definitely attend weddings with you for instance. However, family birthday parties, anniversaries ??? I probably would go to them myself if asked but surely its odd that you should go to these kind of events. If my gf never wanted to go to these type of events, i wouldn't even notice.

OP, I'd have to say the issue is as much with you as him. Its reasonable of him not to go along to say your niece's birthday party. It's up to you to determine whether you can live with that.

dudara

OP I recall you posting here before and my heart is breaking for you.

However, you have to give him one more chance. But this time you will need to outline in no uncertain terms as to what you would like him to do. Make it clear to him that you are open to negotiation but that this issue is really important to you.

CrazyNoob

OP I think you need to talk to him again and make sure he realises
How important it is for you that he attends these functions.

Most people dont jump for joy on hearing that their partners family has a function coming up, lets face it they are cr*p / generally more fun can be had elsewhere doing your own thing.
He probably feels like its a chore to be honest.

Again you need to tell him that they are important and how serious they are to you, and that you want him to be part of it and that you appreciate when he is there! Also dont leave him with your family the whole bloody day, have an escape plan for later that evening night where you two can escape the family and do something fun together as a reward.

He might not have had such a good family as yours hence that may be a source of difficulty for him.

IMO you'd be stupid to break up over this at this stage, most people put on a nice face its just he is more open to you about is discord

ceidefields

Yeah, most people don't jump for joy for family gatherings but they go along anyway because it's important. If the OPs boyfriend is basically not giving a rat's ass about how she feels on this, then I say that shows a pretty selfish side that I would definitely think long and hard about.

Let's say she stays with him, this is just a recipe for disaster - what about Christmas? Birth of kids? Kids birthday parties? Any parents out there know that having a family together is one long litany of social things.

Ickle Magoo

vorbis wrote: »

OP, I don't think he realises how important you take this stuff. Tbh I'm a bit surprised by the whole "dump him if he doesn't want to come along" remarks. For me anyways, this would be a small issue.

I suggested it was worth leaving him for. The refusal to attend family occasions wouldn't bother me as much as the disappearing upstairs for the duration that any of my friends & family visited...that's just rude & embarrassing & I'd get pretty tired of a man who behaved like that towards people I care about...

LegacyUser

Sorry if I wasn't clear vorbis. I'd never make an issue out of a nieces, cousins, uncles birthday or anything like that. The birthdays/anniversaries are things like my parents 50th or my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Bigger things like that. I've no bother going to things like communions or confirmations or whatever on my own. I know they're not a barrel of laughs!

I think i'd be more sympathetic and understanding if he didn't like my family and that was the reason. But i'm getting pissed off at the fact that he gets on fine with them but just won't try. I know it's a self esteem thing. He told me before he doesn't think he's good enough for me. And I know he's afraid of saying or doing something stupid. But it's complete paranoia.

Oh I dunno, i don't know what to do. I don't want to break up. That's the last thing I want. But as someone said. What do I do if we have a family together? Or christmas, I can never see us having christmas together unless I give up having my family there. Things like that.

small

Breaking up with someone you still love hurts like a b*tch. The worst thing is the guilt you feel for hurting them, though I agree that sometimes it is necessary. Be prepared to remind yourself of the reason you broke everytime you think you want them back, which will probably be every hour of every day. It breeds so much long term, inescapable regret......

Does he know how strongly you feel about this, aka have you said to him "i feel like I'll have to break up with you if you aren't prepared to try to work on this"? Ultimatums suck but that is clearly the way you are feeling, does he REALLY know this (really is in capitals because sometimes boys just need it simple and straight)?

ctimes

You need to spell this out to him and make sure that he knows that something like this is very important to you. I have just been broken hearted by someone I was with for 4 years. I went to all the family occasions, weddings etc...but I was told that we were socially incompatible. I will admit that there were times that i didn't go to parties or that I had an issue when I didn't want to go to certain things, but I was never told that this could and would break us up. There were arguments, but I was never sat down and really told.
The arguments just lead to shouting. Telling somone its ok at the time could lead you to tellling them in the end everything, which is worse.

You really need to explain that this is an issue for you and could mean breaking up. Don't shout or anything, just tell them and tell them that you love them.

I have been though months of hell, where i have been living with friends and trying to find my feet again while all around me my frlends are getting engaged.

I would be interested to hear how you get on or what you did....

also anyone else in a similiar situation as none of my friends have been though this and don't know what to say to me