Relationships

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I was reading through the charter and hope this does not fall into the "angsty blog style/soap opera type posting".

Anyway, I've recently told my long-distance girlfriend that I do not love her and that it might be best for her if we broke up. I did not phrase it so bluntly and I do have feelings for her but I just don't know if it could have been defined as love.

She said that she loved me - in fact I lost my virginity with her - so I believe that there must be something present. She is really stunningly beautiful and smart but I just didn't feel any deep connection with her?

After I told her this she said that she never loved me etc. etc. which I believe was just meant to hurt me (unfortunately I consider myself quite empathic and hate myself for doing this as well) so didn't give an angry reaction - maybe she wanted an argument? I just believed that I wasn't good enough for her as I couldn't return the affections that she showed me. Does that mean there's something wrong with me? What does love feel like? Maybe I loved her but didn't know it?

Afterwards I apologised for what I did to her and asked if she still wants to have some sort of non-boy/girlfriend relationship with me (she probably doesn't even want to be friends anymore realistically). But another flaw in my nature is that I want everyone to like me (even ex-girlfriends).

I suppose I just find myself strange that I broke up with her because I genuinely think that another guy could treat her better than I am treating her - not that I treat her badly at all (in any kind of a physical sense etc.) but that I didn't love her. Does anyone have an opinion on this? Would you let someone go because you felt it would be better for them to do so, that they could do better than you?

I am still young (20) and she has accused me of being immature when it comes to these things and I concede that my idea of love hollywood style may be completely skewed but is it wrong for me to look for that kind of special connection?

With her it was very much so a physical attraction - I don't think we had much in common, but she tried hard to change for me... I didn't want her to have to do that - she shouldn't have to change for anyone.

Sorry for taking up your time but I would really appreciate some thoughts on this. It has been affecting other areas of my life now. Is this a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life? I suppose only I can answer that but I heard a problem shared is a problem halved right?

Upon re-reading of my post it just seems like I'm an arrogant jerk who believes that he is great by being all noble or something... I suppose I am trying to be noble about this but should I be? Would you stay in a long-distance relationship that was physical, where the girl said that she would wait for you until the ends of time and that she was studying new languages/learning new skills so that she could come to you? By the length of my post I suppose my own doubts about what I did are quite large and in all reality there's very little I would be able to do if you guys all advised me to try and make up. But even to get it out there (anonymously) helps a lot.

Thanks for reading.

l3LoWnA

Hey there! Just guna give you my story as it's not dis=similar (sp?)

I "dumped" a guy back in Sept for much the same reasons! it was also long-distance. I had nothing against him, he was good looking and kind, good job, good fun and crazy into me. But I just wasn't as crazy into him! He's was in love. I wasn't! I liked him, but nothing close to being in love!

I held onto him for a few months after I'd realised this.... I was himming and hawing (sp?) about whether to dump him or not. I realised then, that as much as he was crazy about me, and as happy as he was to be going out with me etc., I was actually being SELFISH by NOT dumping him!

Well that's the way I worked it out as I didn't have HALF the admiration or respect for him as he had for me. I decided "friends" afterwards would not be an option either as I knew he till wanted me. I hurt him, butfor his own good, he kept begging for about 6 weeks afterwards for us to get back together. He wanted to know was there someone else. He couldn't understand it. It was tough breaking up with him but I know another girl will come along who really appreciates him you know, and I'll be happy for him. Would you be happy if this girl hooked up with someone else? Someone who makes her happy? If the answer is no then you've some serious thinking to do. Do you wonder what she's at all the time?!? My ex rarely crosses my mind - I know that sounds cold but that's how I know I made the right choice. I'm single now. I'm happy, and I'm hoping he's happy too!

I think you did the right thing! I had my worries about regrets too. He wanted to build me a house, he was security for me. He treated me well, better than any ex-boyfriend. And I wondered was I letting this one slip away! Any change can be nerve wracking but I think you're young and you're doing the right thing!

Black Swan

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I concede that my idea of love hollywood style may be completely skewed

Perchance you might want to think (and feel) about this a bit more? Hollywood was built on fantasies?

Naive wrote:

but is it wrong for me to look for that kind of special connection?

No indeed, we all look for The One.

LegacyUser

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Hey there! Just guna give you my story as it's not dis=similar (sp?)

I "dumped" a guy back in Sept for much the same reasons! it was also long-distance. I had nothing against him, he was good looking and kind, good job, good fun and crazy into me. But I just wasn't as crazy into him! He's was in love. I wasn't! I liked him, but nothing close to being in love!

I held onto him for a few months after I'd realised this.... I was himming and hawing (sp?) about whether to dump him or not. I realised then, that as much as he was crazy about me, and as happy as he was to be going out with me etc., I was actually being SELFISH by NOT dumping him!

Well that's the way I worked it out as I didn't have HALF the admiration or respect for him as he had for me. I decided "friends" afterwards would not be an option either as I knew he till wanted me. I hurt him, butfor his own good, he kept begging for about 6 weeks afterwards for us to get back together. He wanted to know was there someone else. He couldn't understand it. It was tough breaking up with him but I know another girl will come along who really appreciates him you know, and I'll be happy for him. Would you be happy if this girl hooked up with someone else? Someone who makes her happy? If the answer is no then you've some serious thinking to do. Do you wonder what she's at all the time?!? My ex rarely crosses my mind - I know that sounds cold but that's how I know I made the right choice. I'm single now. I'm happy, and I'm hoping he's happy too!

I think you did the right thing! I had my worries about regrets too. He wanted to build me a house, he was security for me. He treated me well, better than any ex-boyfriend. And I wondered was I letting this one slip away! Any change can be nerve wracking but I think you're young and you're doing the right thing!

Thanks for replying - I suppose it is heartening to find that others have had similar dilemmas. It would make me very happy to see her happy - even if it was with someone else. So I suppose I care enough to hope that she finds love elsewhere but not enough to "love" her...

Blue_Lagoon:
Thanks for your input too - let's hope we all find our special someone someday. My point about hollywood love was questioning was it actually possible? Should I aim for that or is that an impossibly high standard that no relationship can get to?

Talliesin

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I was reading through the charter and hope this does not fall into the "angsty blog style/soap opera type posting".

I think that's more a matter of people ranting without anything in the way of seeking advice from anyone.

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I just believed that I wasn't good enough for her as I couldn't return the affections that she showed me.

Eh. What exactly does that mean?

I have a different style when it comes to showing affection to my girlfriend. I don't return her affections, I give her slightly different affections.

That doesn't indicate a lack of love. On the other hand if you don't demonstrate affection at all, then that is another matter; but perhaps a matter of how demonstrative you are rather than anything else.

The whole "I'm not good enough for her" thing is self-pitying bull**** though.

Now, "I'm not good for her" is a possibility - some people aren't good for each other, as any fool should have noticed by the time they were twelve. But "I'm not good enough for her", if true, has only one sensible response - get off your ass and become better by whatever standard you are judging yourself.

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

What are you meant to be like, if you are not being like it (and hence have something wrong with you)

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

What does love feel like?

There's a reason why poets and mystics can point at what love feels like, but plain non-fiction prose can't.

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

Maybe I loved her but didn't know it?

Well, how did you feel about her?

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

But another flaw in my nature is that I want everyone to like me (even ex-girlfriends).

Depends. It's natural to want to be liked. It's a matter of how high it fits with other priorities and motivations.

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I suppose I just find myself strange that I broke up with her because I genuinely think that another guy could treat her better than I am treating her

Well, that was pretty bloody lazy-ass wasn't it? Why didn't you treat her better instead?

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

but that I didn't love her

So, you were happy to be with someone you didn't love except for it not being good for her.

Do you see what was backwards about that?

You should value yourself more. Why aren't you worth someone you love?

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I concede that my idea of love hollywood style may be completely skewed but is it wrong for me to look for that kind of special connection?

What exactly is your Hollywood idea of love?

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

I don't think we had much in common, but she tried hard to change for me.

Did you actually need to have all that much in common?

A certain similarity in viewpoint is important because you need to be on at least vaguely the same page as each other about life-choices. Beyond that though, it's differences that make people interesting.

Naive guy/boy wrote: »

Would you stay in a long-distance relationship that was physical, where the girl said that she would wait for you until the ends of time and that she was studying new languages/learning new skills so that she could come to you?

Why get into one. If it is just physical then say it is just physical from the get go. Just physical can be fun after all. Why even start to pretend something is other than it is?

LegacyUser

Wow, thanks for such a detailed response. It's interesting/useful to hear various opinions on my situation.

I do not mean "I am not good enough for her" - I mean that since I do not love her I think she should find someone who does (hence me not being "good enough" for her).

Thinking about it some more I suppose I'm very confused as to what I want - a "proper" relationship or just some fun. Hmm, maybe I should go off for a long think (or maybe think less?)