Real jealousy issue...

sobriety

This is the opposite of another thread here at the moment...

My girlfriend doesn't mind me doing my own thing or going out alone. But when she is out with me, certain things make her feel "strange" as she describes it. Im a musician, and sometimes I go out to party with other musicians. My gf is not musically inclined at all. Once we were ona night out, and I was singing a song with a fairly attractive girl, and my gf went a bit quiet and was sitting on her own. Later on she said that she didnt like seeing me singing with that girl and she didnt know why she felt like that, and she didnt want to feel like that. But she said, at the time, she couldnt control it, and had to force herself to snap out of it and enjoy the rest of the night (which she kinda did). But she was not sure if she should have come out or stayed at home in the end.. which makes me feel disappointed, because that was a really amazing night out from my perspective, and I introduced her to loads of new people, and they were a really nice gang of people, and were friendly towards her. I feel bad that we hadn't enjoyed the night "together", because I had brought her out with that gang and hoped she would get into the fun.

then another night we're at her friends house. late night poker. After the game we start talking about rollerblading. One of the girls there is into it and has some tips, so we go out blading (that girl uses my gf's blades, I use my own). My gf also rollerblades, but she doesn't go out cos she's wearing a skirt.. instead she leds the other girl her blades. but then seeing me and this other girl blading around made her feel "strange" again. The girl was teaching me a few tips, she was very good (better than me and my gf) and we went to the bottom of the estate and back a couple of times. My gf wasn't let go (by her friend) because she was after having a few wines. When I get back into the house she is standing with her arms folded in the kitchen looking at the ground. Everyone else is just chatting around the table, but I notice that something is wrong with her. I ask her, and she says "I'm fine" but she obviously isn't. I act like nothing is wrong, cos I haven't done anything wrong, or so I thought.. she is very quiet and kind of tense..

She asks me to go into the living room with her. She puts her legs across my lap and asks for a hug. She is very quiet. When we start talking, the same issue comes up: her feeling "strange". She says it's not jealousy, but more that she feels almost inferior to the girl who I am doing an activity with. She knows I'd never do anything but that doesn't help her. She says she doesn't want to feel that way.

I think this could be jealousy of a form though. She is not musical and is a little bit on the cautious side when rollerblading - and here I was singing with, or blading with, girls who had much better abilities than her *in those respective areas*.

This is a problem for her. It has happened 3 times in total. Two of them were controlled and the 3rd (the last time) she made a bit of a scene in public. Am I supposed to live the rest of my life in fear of making her feel inadequate this way? How do I know when she is going to blow?

Is she jealous? She says it's because she loves me so much. But I tell her she has to start loving herself more, and being more confident in herself so that she never needs to feel like she is not good enough for me, or inadequate, or not my "number 1" all the time, in all areas, at all times!! She also tells me that it's just insecurity. But to be honest, I feel very disappointed and let down when she does this, and the last night it created a bit of a scene and the poor girl who was blading with me didnt know what was up.

What is this issue?

She's jealous and insecure and needs to work on it.

Dinxminx

She probably just gets upset seeing other girls being able to give you things she's not (because she's not musically talented/brilliant on blades etc.).

Pyr0

Ah I know how she feels with that alright ! For me, seeing my girlfriend having great time with another guy can make me uneasy, I start thinking "What if they like each other and run off together" stupid unlikely stuff like that, I don't enjoy it and would rather not feel that way but at the end of the day I just find someone else to talk to or something else to do rather than standing there like a loner all night sulking So it doesn't bother me as much as it did. The two situations you described involved another girl, she probably didn't like that fact it wasn't her singing with you on stage, or her rollerblading with you.

Oryx

Its not neccesarily that she thinks you and any other girl will get together, but she may be looking at her and measuring herself against her, thinking she doesnt rate or match up to her and the other people around you. That comes down to her self esteem. As has been said, she needs to work on that, and realise that the problem is solely within her head and not down to your behaviour.

but I notice that something is wrong with her. I ask her, and she says "I'm fine"

This makes me smile. 'Im fine' is so often code-speak for no-im-anything-but-fine-and-you-should-be-able-to-read-my-mind-and-know-that!:rolleyes:

Star Lord

I think she definately needs to work on building up her self esteem, but I think that you should definately try to help he build it up. Point out and praise her for the things she is good at. If she gets insecure when you're doing something like the singing or roller blading, tell her "Yeah but I bet they can't/aren't as good at X/Y/Z as you are!"

She needs to be made to feel that she is special and has more to offer you than she feels she has

coolhandc

i think the jealousy and insecurity thing is a problem in the early stages of a relationship and i think it goes after a year or so...im not sure how long the two of you are together?

i wouldnt be too harsh on her,give her time to change things if needs be or see where she is coming from...
maybe youre her first bf or maybe she has trust issues after a bad experience in the past.

i think that shes doing a good job at not letting it ruin things,as you said yourself she doesnt want to feel that way and she ended up trying to have a good time that first night it happened.

Deadevil129

There's a bit of a trend lately to assume "It's her issue therefore she can deal with it" but I'm going to assume since you've posted here you want to help your girlfriend.

First of all making a scene about this is not acceptable in anyway], however jealous or "strange" she's feeling.

Lots of couples have activities that they'd do together. I'd play Halo with my boyfriend for example. Sharing a paticular hobby is a pretty relationship affirming thing, it's more positive than just vegetating in front of the TV (not that this is always a bad thing :P) or just "hanging out" doing nothing in paticular. Especially if your girlfriend's self esteem is a little low, doing things like rollerblading with you probably gives her a nice sense of belonging and probably even a little ego boost that she can do things like that with you. Seeing another girl doing the same thing, while she knows you mean no harm by it, will hurt her self esteem, especially if the said girl is better than her. I've probably done no more than state the obvious there...

You say your musical, so if you play an instrument is there any chance you could show your girlfriend the basics? This requires bags of patience if she's not musically inclined but again, it's something the two of you can do together and something she might be able to pinpoint as "her and yours" activity. Also might make her feel a little more included when you head out with your friends.

On a side note, my ex taught me the basics of guitar, it gave me a massive confidence boost to be able to play.