Sex hangup

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm 20/male and still a virgin. I had one serious girlfriend when I was 16 but we were both ok with not going that far back then.

After her I got into a really messed up situation trying to stay friends with this girl who I really really liked who didn't feel the same, which ended up driving me crazy with jealousy, many of you will know how that feels, but the whole situation just got WAY out of control. I ended up going to a few counselling sessions knowing that I couldn't work out my problems myself, but this didn't help.

I was then very depressed for a while and a little bit mental but that was a few years ago and I kind of managed to put it all to the back of my mind, I avoided girls and sex, kept people at a distance and avoided that girl and I was OK. back when I was 18 nobody really talked very openly about sex. The girls I tended to become close friends with are ones that didn't talk about their sex lives, ones that I could still fancy and fall in love with but didn't have to act upon it and it didn't interfere with my mental block.

Now that I'm 20 I find that people are very open about it, they talk openly about it all of a sudden and it's really distressing me, and after all these years I'm kind of forced to deal with my situation.

I want to enjoy my youth while I have it, and be able to trust people but I feel like everyone has passed me out.

I can't tell this story to just anybody so I'm stuck with this conundrum:
I have to trust someone a lot to be able to be honest with them and have a meaningful relationship with them, but with women, by the time I trust them they've already put me in that 'friends' pile and we all know there's no way out of that pile once you're in it.

So I think that my way forward is to try to gain confidence in myself and push back my line of trust... if that makes sense.


I don't really know why I'm posting that or what question I have to ask!

azezil

I used to dance around the subject whenever it came up, or just avoided talking about it all together.

I was a virgin till the age of 23, the only reason I lost it then was because I forced myself to do it while exceedingly drunk, a decision I've regretted ever since, I never actually enjoyed it, i.e. climaxed with a partner until I was 24, even now it takes me time to relax enough with a partner before I can.

My advise, just wait until you're ready.

cance

whats the rush?

do it when you want to, not when people feel you should. Its far better, and more special with somebody you care about.

Losing it at 15 seemed like a great idea i can assure you, now im ashamed of it.

togster

Why would you be ashamed of it? I did it when i was 16 but it hasn't affected me one bit. Look OP whenever your ready is the right time. try not to put so much emphasis on needing that trust etc to have sex. Just enjoy it without the added burded of the other stuff. Your young go out and enjoy it.

Keith186

Don't leave it too long though or it will get worse I reckon.

You'll be waiting and waiting and your confidence will get worse the longer it goes on.

By no means rush into it but don't leave it for 2 years or anything.

nobodythere

Aha there really is no way out of that pile is there!

Good to see you have a positive attitude anyway, it'll happen for you eventually

bobcar61

I regret it to,I lost mine at 16 and was a dad just before I was 18....I have to say though it doesnt make me love my little boy any less

Dudess

Keith186 wrote: »

Don't leave it too long though or it will get worse I reckon.

You'll be waiting and waiting and your confidence will get worse the longer it goes on.

By no means rush into it but don't leave it for 2 years or anything.

Cos then he'd be a virgin at the wise old age of 22!!! :eek:

OP, seriously, wait until you're ready. Keith186 is right in his point that the longer you wait, the bigger a deal it will be, but that's only if you let it be a big deal, and if you think too much about it. It's NOT that big a deal though, so try to relax. You are only 20 - I promise you there are plenty of 20-year-old virgins. It may seem like there aren't, but I really guarantee you there are. You hear so much talk of rampant sex from your peers but does that prove it's actually happening?! I remember it was the same when I was your age, and so many people who seemed to be "at it" in their teens actually weren't at it at all until a lot later - they admitted so.
E.g. my brother and his mates - a more highly sexed bunch of lads you could not meet... or were they? I thought they were doing all round them from around 16 or younger - that's the impression they gave me anyway. Years later, my brother told me the vast majority of them didn't pop their cherries until they were at least in their late teens. My brother lost his virginity when he was 19 - I was quite surprised. Still very young, but I totally had the impression that he'd been at it since his mid teens.
So really, wait until you're ready. I did the same as Azezil - just got drunk and slept with a randomer because I felt I shouldn't wait any longer (at the grand old age of 18 :rolleyes:). My mates were at it since 15/16 (and they actually WERE but they were the bad girls in school. When I went to college and met new people, none of them were sexually active). I didn't enjoy the experience one bit and really regretted it being my first time. It really wasn't until my mid-20s that I came into my own as a sexual being.
When it comes to sexual behaviour we tend to look at societal trends rather than the individual. And it's a shame, because it is very much an individual thing.

star-pants

Hey OP --
Don't worry -- I know where you are coming from -- sex wasn't a topic discussed in my house and even now there are a lot of things I blush when I hear or sometimes don't want to. And I find it very difficult to discuss it, partially because I'm not used to and partially because I believe some things are best kept between the two people involved.
Obviously if there's questions and things, I do get a bit embarrassed (which I shouldn't but that's just who I am) having to ask friends.
Some of them lost their virginity at like.. 14. I didn't until I was 23 - as most people have said - when it felt right.
Don't rush or be thinking 'oh gosh will it happen with this girl' etc.. Just relax and enjoy the relationship (when you are in one if you're not already) and the rest will come along when it's supposed to.

queenlex

Dont worry mate you're still very young I was around 23 too its not such a big deal unless you're careless and get the girl pregnant that can be a real problem for both of you theres no rush tho basically. A lot of guys are all talk about their alleged sex lives anyway.

Just relax seriously.

Unregd1010 wrote: »

Hey, I'm 20/male and still a virgin. I had one serious girlfriend when I was 16 but we were both ok with not going that far back then.

After her I got into a really messed up situation trying to stay friends with this girl who I really really liked who didn't feel the same, which ended up driving me crazy with jealousy, many of you will know how that feels, but the whole situation just got WAY out of control. I ended up going to a few counselling sessions knowing that I couldn't work out my problems myself, but this didn't help.

I was then very depressed for a while and a little bit mental but that was a few years ago and I kind of managed to put it all to the back of my mind, I avoided girls and sex, kept people at a distance and avoided that girl and I was OK. back when I was 18 nobody really talked very openly about sex. The girls I tended to become close friends with are ones that didn't talk about their sex lives, ones that I could still fancy and fall in love with but didn't have to act upon it and it didn't interfere with my mental block.

Now that I'm 20 I find that people are very open about it, they talk openly about it all of a sudden and it's really distressing me, and after all these years I'm kind of forced to deal with my situation.

I want to enjoy my youth while I have it, and be able to trust people but I feel like everyone has passed me out.

I can't tell this story to just anybody so I'm stuck with this conundrum:
I have to trust someone a lot to be able to be honest with them and have a meaningful relationship with them, but with women, by the time I trust them they've already put me in that 'friends' pile and we all know there's no way out of that pile once you're in it.

So I think that my way forward is to try to gain confidence in myself and push back my line of trust... if that makes sense.


I don't really know why I'm posting that or what question I have to ask!

cance

togster wrote: »

Why would you be ashamed of it? I did it when i was 16 but it hasn't affected me one bit.

person, venue, blood alcohol levels to name a few. The point i was trying to make was that there is no rush, and there shouldnt be one either.

aidan24326

Unregd1010 wrote: »

Hey, I'm 20/male and still a virgin.

Nothing at all unusual about that. I don't know if you're a regular boards user/reader but you'd be amazed how many threads there's been from 20-something virgins thinking they're from another planet because they haven't had full sex yet. You're far from alone I can assure you! You're only 20, there's no rush.

So I think that my way forward is to try to gain confidence in myself and push back my line of trust... if that makes sense.

Absolutely. Don't be so unwilling to trust people. You'll meet people who may break your trust, you might even get hurt along the way, just like you might get run over by a bus someday. That's life and you have to just take a chance sometimes, go with what's in your heart at any time and more often than not you won't go too far wrong. The sex thing will happen in due course, no need to force it.
PS do be wary of always being that 'friend' guy.