Pregnant ex

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is a real long story and I would appreciate anyone’s advice…
I am a third level student in Dublin and for the summer I decided to move down to Cork, I met a girl down there who I really got on with, we started dating and made big plans..
She is now pregnant and its mine(Yeah the folly of youth and all that) I was excited and scared but mostly excited, We broke up towards the end of the summer and didn’t talk for a month or 2, All my friends know the whole story…more than they should know, I was placed under tight surveillance by one of them, he read all my texts and whenever I spoke to her I was made to put the phone on Loudspeaker, he is a good friend he just doesn’t trust people he doesn’t like, recently me and the cork ex have been talking (in secret), I am 22 years old and everyone up here hates her, all my friends and family, not that she done anything wrong that I can see, well anyway, we have been talking lately and she wants to know if I want to be involved with our child. There isn’t a hope of us getting back together I think, I want to be involved and other times I don’t, it’s not a case of me not wanting to have anything to do with the child, it’s all the other stuff, her having a new boyfriend and how messy that can get and most likely will get..

I really don’t know what to do, I know this girl is a bit of a gold-digger, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about maintenance or anything like that but I know it’s going to head that way, she isn’t the most truthful either, I asked her recently if she was seeing anyone and I got a flat denial, although a friend of mine has told me she has been seeing 2 other fella’s in her town. things like that bug me, I really don’t like lie’s..

Well that’s about it…anyone have any idea’s and what to do, comments or suggestions or even anyone have a past experience like this?

Feel free to ask questions,

Tom

DinoBot

Dub_Tom wrote: »

Hi,
All my friends know the whole story…more than they should know, I was placed under tight surveillance by one of them, he read all my texts and whenever I spoke to her I was made to put the phone on Loudspeaker, he is a good friend he just doesn’t trust people he doesn’t like, recently me and the cork ex have been talking (in secret), I am 22 years old and everyone up here hates her, all my friends and family, not that she done anything wrong that I can see,

You have to be careful. People like to victimise girls that get pregnant, as if its their fault. She deserves more respect than your giving her. How would you like to be on loud speaker when you phoned her ?

Dub_Tom wrote: »

well anyway, we have been talking lately and she wants to know if I want to be involved with our child. There isn’t a hope of us getting back together I think, I want to be involved and other times I don’t, it’s not a case of me not wanting to have anything to do with the child, it’s all the other stuff, her having a new boyfriend and how messy that can get and most likely will get..

I would advise getting some help with this. I would think you both should go to counseling . Really talk about how you want to proceed. You both seem to be holding alot of preconceived ideas about what having a baby is all about IMO.

Dub_Tom wrote: »

I really don’t know what to do, I know this girl is a bit of a gold-digger, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about maintenance or anything like that but I know it’s going to head that way,

Eh, do you think kids eat for free ??? Of course it has to head that way!!!!
Do you think she should be the only one to pay ? How is asking for maintenance for YOUR child in any way make her a "gold-digger". Without being smart, your a student, I get the feeling there is not too much gold around you at present But really, this is where counseling can really help.

Dub_Tom wrote: »

she isn’t the most truthful either, I asked her recently if she was seeing anyone and I got a flat denial, although a friend of mine has told me she has been seeing 2 other fella’s in her town. things like that bug me, I really don’t like lie’s..
Tom

Come on, thats not easy to say. Im sure she does not know how to answer that question. How would you have answered it ? Plus, is it any of your business who she is seeing. You dont like lies, so Im sure you tell her she is on loud-speaker when she calls.

You not in an easy situation but it can work, but it takes a lot of work plus honesty. If you choose to be in your child's life it will be a lot of give and take on both sides for it to work.

NextSteps

Dub_Tom wrote: »

Hi,
I really don’t know what to do, I know this girl is a bit of a gold-digger, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about maintenance or anything like that but I know it’s going to head that way

Whatever about the relationship you have with her (or the child) you're going to have to pay maintenance. As the other poster said, children cost money, and that's just as much your responsibility as it is hers. It's only right and there would be nothing wrong with her asking for it.

coolhandc

i would question the validity of her case that she really is pregnant.she could be just looking for attention or whatever.what did she do that none of your friends like her?

Cathmandooo

Are you positive the child is yours? If so then of course you should be involved and pay your way. If she really is a gold digger as you say then watch what money you give her, make sure it all goes on the child, if it gets out of hand seek legal advice immediately. Unless she forced you into sex with her and got herself pregnant through that then she deserves more respect, you're just as responcible for the child as she is.

I dont know why your friends and family hate her so much, I'm sure theres issues there, but no one really knows what goes on with a couple other than the couple themselves. Meet up with her and discuss things. Show an interest from the start and it will stand to you.

Hope it works out for you

Saruman

Paternity test is the only way to go. Make sure you are the father before giving her any money.

muppetkiller

Saruman wrote: »

Paternity test is the only way to go. Make sure you are the father before giving her any money.

+1

azezil

* You have to make a decision, do you want to be involved in this child's life?
* Do you want your name on the birth cert?
- if yes that gives you some rights, visitation, she can't get the child a passport without your consent but you'll also have to pay child support.
* Are you willing to let your child grow up not knowing who its biological father is? (assuming you are the biological father)

Its a serious commitment, not one which should be made lightly.

Clare Bear

Horrible situation to be in OP but at the end of the day no matter what you think of this girl you have a child on the way that you have to stand by. It's up to you whether you want to be a part of their life or not. Best of luck.

Crumble Froo

best of luck, OP, i know my b/f has a kid with his ex (actually conceived after they'd broken up, but how and ever...).. it's not easy. bear that in mind. there does be a LOT of bickering between him and his ex, very different parenting styles, adn as htey are not a couple, there is no real conference on how to go about things. he sees his kid for holidays and every second weekend, she sees him every second weekend and part of hte holidays (he actually lives with his nan during the week cos it's closest to his school now).

it is not an ideal situation really for anyone, but given the circumstances, it is the best they both can give him, and i know that they both love their son to absolute bits. in the area where my b/f lives, there's a lot of kids growing up having never known their dads, haha, and he pretty much acts adoptive dad to a few of his kid's mates too , but they all do respect him for sticking around. im not saying it's essential, but it is good for a kid to have their dad there when they're growing up. not necessarily under the same roof - i dont know about you - but i know there are some things i could talk to one parent about that i couldnt talk to the other about, and vice versa.

take 18 years into consideration, take maybe distance into consideration too, if you decide to be a part of your kid's life, would you want to be living in cork too? obviously, make sure and check out the financial and legal sides of things, im sure you read a lot in the papers about fathers' rights, make sure you have yours if you do decide to get involved, and make sure you follow through with them.

it's a huge, scary responsibility, and never and ideal situation, but a lot of good can come from this experience for you. i wish you the very best of luck for now and for the future

l3LoWnA

Firstly, get a DNA test done as soon as the child is born. I've already used a crowd for something similar and although the test I got would not stand up in court it only cost €300 and http://www.dnaireland.ie/ You don't even have to do it through a GP - it's personal and handy!!

Secondly, realise, that regardless of who this childs mother is, regardless of your relationship with her OR your family OR friends opinions, you have a responsibility to this unborn child as it's father. Every child deserves not only to know it's father but to be supported by his/her father also!

Thirdly, give the girl a break!!! At least she's prepared to accommodate you being in the picture! Forget what friends and family think.

Fourthly, by law a father must support his child financially. If this girl seeks maintenance she should never be called a "gold digger" for it.

Fifthly, when my ex (broke up with him in august) asks me am I seeing anyone I always say no. We're different ends of the country. Why would I hurt him by telling the truth?!? Esp if there's nothing serious goig on with any other guy?!

Sixthly and finally, support this girl through her pregnancy and tell your suspicious mates to back the hell off. She's going through an extremely tough time, physically AND emotionally at the moment so as much as you're worried about it - imagine how she's feeling?!?

That's all!

LegacyUser

She didnt get pregnant on her own. grow up and stop listening to what your friends and family are saying, did you consult with these before you decided to sleep with the girl....
I think your looking for an easy way out, make your own decisions.
By law you will be required to help support the child, and as far as involment in the childs life go's you seem really immature maybe your best off staying away.

Gumbyman

What that guy said with the letter 3 in his name.

And what the hell is your mate doing reading your texts and listening to your calls? That is completely out of order unless there is something else going on between you. Take control of your own life and tell this punter to mind his own business. Putting somebody on speaker without telling them is a horrible thing to do.

echosound

Agreed with what the two posters above said.

OP - it might be a scary prospect to you, but I am sure it's a helluva scarier prospect to your ex to find herself pregnant.
If you are100% sure you are the father, then you will of course have to support your child, financially at the very least. For you to label your ex as a gold digger is a bit much at this point, why shouldn't she expect you to contribute to raising your child, when she's the one who is looking after it 24/7?

I will be blunt here - the fact that you are sitting back and wondering "will I bother getting involved,or won't I, hmm" is enough to gall me. This is your child, you helped make it, accidental or not, it's 50% you and 50% her, and your ex is now stuck raising a child for the next 18+ years.

What would you do if she contacted you tomorrow to say "right, I've decided I don't want to be around for the kid, you can come collect him/her when she's born and you can go raise it alone, I'm off". That is in effect what you are doing to her if you decide not to bother yourself with being involved. Don't kid yourself you don't want to get involved because of the issues you might have with her future partners, you are the father of this child and nothing should stand in your way when it comes to you seeing/supporting your flesh and blood.

YOu are 22 years old, you're a grown adult now, so tell your overbearing friend who is "making" you put the girl on loudspeaker, and your friends and family who dislike her so much for no apparent reason to mind their own business, and step up to the mark and be a man, and take responsibility for the baby you have made. It's not like your ex has any choice in the matter seeing as she's the one going through 9 months of pregnancy with the child in her womb, so do the right thing and be there for your child. You had no problem sleeping with your ex and getting her pregnant in the first place, so suck it up now and shoulder the consequences.

You don't have to do any more than be polite to your ex in the future, ie you don't have to forge some fantastic best friend relationship with her, just keep it civil and supportive, and be there for the kid. A child will, more often than not, want to know their "blood father" even if there is another man in your ex's life that the child calls "dad" by virtue of being the one who is there day to day raising your kid.

Strokesfan

It's not an ideal situation but I think you should definately contribute maintenance if it's your child.

I feel really sorry for the girl in this situation - she got pregnant, you've had her on loudspeaker and called her a golddigger. Look at it from her perspective? Try to get along in a civil manner, respect her and don't discuss it with absolutely everyone you know. I think you know you shouldn't have had on loudspeaker from your post.

I know people that have pretty civil relationships with the "baby daddy" :P even thought they're not together -e.g. he has a direct debit into her account and the kids go visit dad & grandparents minus the mom frequently. All the messy stuff of her being with someone, you being with someone etc is just what you are going to have to deal with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your comments, we are meeting up this weekend.I managed to get some time off work, wasnt easy when i work evenings and weekends for my dad.
hopefully everything is going to work out.

Tom

l3LoWnA

Dub_Tom wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments, we are meeting up this weekend.I managed to get some time off work, wasnt easy when i work evenings and weekends for my dad.
hopefully everything is going to work out.

Tom

Fair play Tom!

I really hope everything works out well for all concerned! You're gonna need alot more time off work if you're to become a Dad, weekends visitting etc. You're old enough and big enough now to stand up to your responsibilities. Don't forget yourself though and remember that a DNA test could come back with ANY result you know....the guy who had a DNA test for my daughter, well I knew he wasn't the daddy from day 1 and always told him that. But he had a weird way of convincing himself otherwise. I had the DNA test done for him really, as I already knew the result. He was fairly cut up about the result being negative and for about a year afterwards he kept in contact saying he wanted to be there for her anyways etc etc. Had a huge effect on him even THINKING he COULD be her father you know.

All that said, the baby more than likely IS yours and I'm glad you're meeting up with this girl now to discuss things - well done and keep us posted if you think of it Try NOT to let your family and/or friends influence you. Make your own decisions!

DinoBot

azezil wrote: »

* Do you want your name on the birth cert?
- if yes that gives you some rights, visitation, she can't get the child a passport without your consent but you'll also have to pay child support.

This is a common misconception about Irish law. Although your name may be on the birth cert of your child it does NOT give ANY rights over the child, if you are unmarried. If you want any rights you actually must apply to be a legal guardian of your child in that situation.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/married-couples/guardianship_status_of_fathers

Scoobydoobydoo

Dub_Tom wrote: »

Hi,
She is now pregnant and its mine(Yeah the folly of youth and all that) I was excited and scared but mostly excited, We broke up towards the end of the summer and didn’t talk for a month or 2, All my friends know the whole story…more than they should know, I was placed under tight surveillance by one of them, he read all my texts and whenever I spoke to her I was made to put the phone on Loudspeaker, he is a good friend he just doesn’t trust people he doesn’t like, recently me and the cork ex have been talking (in secret), I am 22 years old and everyone up here hates her, all my friends and family, not that she done anything wrong that I can see, well anyway, we have been talking lately and she wants to know if I want to be involved with our child. There isn’t a hope of us getting back together I think, I want to be involved and other times I don’t, it’s not a case of me not wanting to have anything to do with the child, it’s all the other stuff, her having a new boyfriend and how messy that can get and most likely will get..

I really don’t know what to do, I know this girl is a bit of a gold-digger, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about maintenance or anything like that but I know it’s going to head that way, she isn’t the most truthful either, I asked her recently if she was seeing anyone and I got a flat denial, although a friend of mine has told me she has been seeing 2 other fella’s in her town. things like that bug me, I really don’t like lie’s..
/QUOTE]

Well I was pregnant at 20 with an immature guy, but I'm glad to say he was nowhere near as immature as you sound!

What on earth are you doing? It's your life, stop with this rubbish of letting your friends supervise you, what are you, twelve? I am stunned that you behave like this, putting her on speaker phone so this friend can hear - grow up will you, seriously, and get some grown up friends while you're there.

Your first responsibility is to this poor child who YOU made. You've got to think ahead and realise that no matter how messy is may be (and that is down to how you both handle it) - this child deserves to have a father, and if that is you then you've got to step up and be a man.

How do all your friends and family hate this girl so much - did they get to know her intimately in the whole summer that you spent in Cork?

She's a gold digger.....in what way? You didn't explain this. Are you some kind of rare wealthy student? If that is so, even less reason to complain about paying your share.
If she's looking for maintenance, she's entitled, more to the point, your child is entitled. And, no, it doesn't matter if she has fifty boyfriends on the go, if you're the father, she can take you to court and she will succeed in getting maintenance from you. You're legally required to pay whether you're involved or not.

I'm sorry if my tone sounds harsh, but it sounds like you need to hear this, and it also sounds like you know it.

Even if she is spending time with other guys, the girl is probably scared of being alone in this hugely life altering situation which you both created. Also, her emotions will be all over the place, you cannot blame her if she's feeling desperate and alone, I mean in fairness. All the while you are gone from the scene, she's left to deal with this basically alone, sounds like she's not getting support from you anyway. Have you been telling her the nasty things your friends have been saying to compound the situation? And you and your friends are sitting there at a safe distance in Dublin judging her? Are you serious?

It might be messy, but are you trying to use that pathetic excuse for not getting involved? Don't you think it'd be messy for her? If she met someone who would actually like to take responsibility for this child, it would probably be messy for them to have you involved, yet she seems to want that, because she rightly knows that this is best for the child.
I have had this mess in my life, but it's the way it has to be, for the emotional wellbeing of the child, which comes way before my need to have an easy life. Your will I won't I attitude upsets me! This poor child and poor girl.

Don't forget by the way, you might regret not being involved, and you can't just change your mind when you feel like it, because you can't do that to a child.

You and your actions, have been appalling in your treatment of this girl. She is carrying your child, alone - will you show some respect? Your life doesn't have to turn upside down, but you can be sure hers will. STOP involving your friends and family because it's just pathetic and they sound really mean as well. I would consider losing your speaker phone friend as well because HE sounds messy, he sounds like trouble. I can't believe you let him do this stuff.

Time to grow up and face the consequences of your actions.

Dinxminx

Agree with all of the above. The loudspeaker thing is way out of line and something you do when you're twelve. Grow up, OP, and stop pointing fingers (she's a golddigger, my friends and family don't like her, I can't get time off because of my dad, etc.).

the_syco

Dub_Tom wrote:

I really don’t know what to do, I know this girl is a bit of a gold-digger, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about maintenance or anything like that but I know it’s going to head that way, she isn’t the most truthful either, I asked her recently if she was seeing anyone and I got a flat denial, although a friend of mine has told me she has been seeing 2 other fella’s in her town. things like that bug me, I really don’t like lie’s..

Saying that she is a "known gold-digger" is different than saying "she's a gold digger". Sounds like she has latched on to a few rich f**kers untill they went poor. Also, I don't like the way she lies, and has been with a few guys since then, but it's magically "your" baby.

OP: do a maternity test, and go from there. You won't be able to do a maternity test if the baby isn't yours.

ballooba

the_syco wrote: »

OP: do a maternity test, and go from there. You won't be able to do a maternity test if the baby isn't yours.

lol

aidan24326

Dub_Tom you sound a bit clueless about what all this entails. If you really are the father (a paternity test would be wise) then paying maintenance isn't optional it's a legal obligation. If you refused she could see a solicitor and there would really be no way out of it other than flee the country and don't come back for a long time, which I trust is not an option for you.

Help and support her through the pregnancy on the assumption it's yours, which it probably is. Get a paternity test once the baby is born and don't allow her to talk you out of it either. It's your right to know for sure regardless of what she says. She can't stop you anyway.

And cop yourself on with all this loudspeaker nonsense, your friends (who sound every bit as immature as you) have no right whatsoever to listen in on any converation you have with this girl, that is a private conversation. You are being extremely disrespectful to her.

You would be wise to speak to someone about all of this as you are obviously young and ill-prepared. Talk to your local citizen's advice people about what your rights and obligations are. And for gods sake stop taking advice from your friends, what the fcuk do they know about any of this stuff?

Originally Posted by the_syco
OP: do a maternity test, and go from there. You won't be able to do a maternity test if the baby isn't yours.

that doesn't make any sense?

Capt'n Midnight

aidan24326 wrote: »

Originally Posted by the_syco
OP: do a maternity test, and go from there. You won't be able to do a maternity test if the baby isn't yours.

that doesn't make any sense?

If she thinks it's someone else's then she probably won't agree to a test. / If she don't agree to a test then it may be someone else's. It's a way of calling someone's bluff.

Ickle Magoo

I would imagine the maternity isn't in doubt...it's usually pretty obvious. The test tends to be for establishing PAternity.

OP, agree with what the others have said, if you are in any doubt you are entitled to ask for paternity to be proven. If it turns out this child is yours then you have responsibilities you cannot shirk, especially financially.

You do seem to be pointing the finger at everyone else & I think you should tell everyone else to butt out. I'm not sure why you think you need a witness to your telephone conversations, either you are the child's father or you are not & if you are then a court will tell you to pay maintenance - nothing else she does with any other man is relevant. Whether you want to have a relationship with your child is up to you but bear in mind the long-term affects that cutting off relations may have on either/both of you.

spinandscribble

the girls not a gold digger she expects whats expected from you. support.

of course your friend said she was with not one but TWO fellas, they all hate her.