That awful word....bebo!

Dub_girl_101

Hey, I just wanted peoples advice on this and thought that this forum would probably be the best.

Basically, I'm a pretty lonely person. I'm full of humour and am really outgoing once given the chance. I'm very friendly and always try to smile so I'm not sending out bad vibes...thing is, I only really have one friend. And at that I don't even see her that often! And I'm 17!! I should be getting out, gettin locked, having fun the usual teenage stuff! Problem is I'm pretty shy.

But I'm trying to find ways of creating more friends. A way in which I thought I might be able to do this is by setting up a bebo. Now i've always been a critic of bebo, I can't stand it pretty much. The profile views obsession like "am I popular?" and all this lark really depresses me so I never set one up. But everyone my age and who I know has it! I can't actually name ONE person who doesn't have it! Am I isolating myself by not having one?

There is a way around this, I can turn the "profile views" off, but I know I'm not going to get many hits because I have no friends really, but I can add people who are "possible friends" (like who I would talk to every now and again). I know I sound like such a tosser here but it really is frustrating the hell outta me! It all just seems like one big popularity contest. I just don't know...all I want is friends and to be enjoying myself.

Another issue would be pictures. I dont have any pictures of me on nights out cuz I never go on them cuz I have noone to go with. I don't even have many of myself cuz my self esteem is EXTREMELY low...I really give myself a hard time. Theres just so many issues....

I'm gonna stop blabbering on now, but I really would be so unbelieveably grateful for all advice!? Should I set one up? And how do I make more friends? Thanks

cas91

OP.. I symphatize with you etc and I think that your situation sounds very difficult. But to be completly honest I do not think bebo will be a saviour to your problems.. I myself have gradually becme offficaly "addicted" to this addictive but deadly website. If you do end up adding your acquaintances you will only end up constantly looking at there pages, flicking through there pictures and comments may only make you more unhappy. I find that if I'm ever away and come back to fnid endless albums of days n nights that I missed, instead of "filling me in " on what I missed it only makes me p'd off that I missed it.
Perhaps you shuold try and boost your confidence in other ways.. perhaps get your friend to introduce you to people, or get to know other people better. I'm not trying to be patronizing, but you're not theonly noe out there who feels like you do. Loads f people, myself included can relate to your situation.... it just takes time and a bit of effort!!

BaZmO*

Well the fact that your post was structured, contained paragraphs, had punctuation, didn't contain txt spk and most importantly was readable rules out Bebo.

Do you have any interests like sports or music that you could maybe join a club? I'd say that that's a much better way to increase your circle of friends.

I'm guessing that you're still in school so what about maybe getting yourself some part time work?

ats

personally I'd stay away from Bebo for the reason you gave you can't stand it. if you can't stand it then you wont update it that often. Also and i don't mean to be making a cheap shot or anything, but because you pretty much stay to yourself if any of the twats in your school or what ever catch wind of it they may start abusing you on it. it's been known to happen.

you say you have one friend but you don't see her that mush. is there a reason like distance or something? if it makes you feel better i have maybe 5 friends and I'm pretty much twice your age, i see them very really, on I've seen once in 15 years (thank god for google talk is all i can say) and another in about two years, but i have a valid excuse they are in the US I'm in Ireland.

you're 17 so you'll either be doing your leaving cert this year or possible have done it. well if you're doing it this year but focusing on your studies it may help pass that empty time. maybe you could meet with some people from school and form a study group (nerdy i know, but lets be honest that'll fall apart once y'll get chatting)

I know that of the 30 odd lads in that i went to school with i keep in contact with 1 and i think that's pretty much the norm. If you're in college things will be so much easier. I'm gonna throw out the "join a club" response. though freshers week is probably over you can still sign up and will meet like minded people which will widen your circle of friends in no time coz these people will have friends form other societies etc.

cornbb

Whats your school/college situation OP? If, say, you are in your leaving cert year, you will find social structures changing rapidly in the coming months as everyone prepares to finish up and go off to college. And if you plan on going to college soon you will likely need to fend off potential new friends with a stick! (Well not quite, but you get the picture)

As much as I despise bebo, I think joining up might not the worst idea if you are stuck in a social rut. I'm not sure what sort of privacy settings it has but you never know, it might be worth a look.

Its potentially only a tiny part of a solution though, you will still need to make the effort to get out and meet people in the real world.

Tankman

bebo is a bad idea. the best thing to do is join a club or sports team. yes i know thats cliched but nothing substitutes meeting real people.

Dub_girl_101

Thanks for the replies...

To answer some questions, the reason why myself and my friend see other very rarely is becuase shes about an hours drive from me, plus shes not really the "spontaneous- oh i'll text her n meet up" type...it's almost always up to me to innitiate...

Also I'm a fifth yr...

I just really want some friends, I have joined many clubs...not social clubs or anyhting but for instance tennis (group coaching), I took some umbers, sent a few texts, met up once or twice n that was it...no more contact. It was as thought they wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and for what reason I reaaly don't know! I couldn't be a friendlier person like, and I'm always laughing so I don't know what it is about me that turns away people. With my brothers older friends and all I get on great with n they wuould be shocked if they thougtht I had no friends. It's almost as though my whole life is a lie. I try and smile, I try and make it look as thought I have loads of friends, I try to look busy...but it's all untrue. I just really don't want people to sense I'm basically a loner...

And to answer the question about a part-time job, I got a job as a waitress about a yr ago and have been loving it. I thought it would increase my confidence as I'd be interacting with people all day long. But I've been passed comments lyk "why can't a good looking girl lyk urself get me a drink (when the bar closes) and all this but I always automatically don't believe the person and think all they want is a drink. Theres been a few of these situations but each one has had a catch like free drink or extre food etc. I just don't know...

I'm just so down about it all...I don't need to speak to anyone about it, i don't want to make any deal about it, I just want to change it myself. I just don't know how!

I've have very low self-esteem as I said and I really don't think I'm pretty, I tink thats the main problem! I look at photos of myself and what I see in them is completely different to what I see in the mirror. COMPLETELY! It makes me doubt...what do I even look like, am I what I see in the mirror or in a photo. Trust I look hideos in photos. I often wonder is this why I've never had a boyfriend either. Then this puts me down...theres just so many reasons...! But my family are always saying you're beutiful, you're stunning if only you could see it and all this but I can't believe them. I think they're just saying that as they're my family ya know...

Ugh! What a horrible life!

Storm_rages

it can be really hard to make friends at times..
so don't be too hard on yourself, life is hard enough!
Keep trying with the clubs till you find one you enjoy, you have to worry less about making friends and just enjoy what you are doing..
and don't worry about boyfriends, you will meet someone but best not waste your life waiting for that person to come along.. life is short!!
oh.. life is short and hard... now i'm depressed

Dinxminx

Join bebo - it's really not that bad. Also it'll help with the whole keeping-in-touch thing.

Apart from that....

Boards beers?

Dub_girl_101

Storm_rages wrote: »

and don't worry about boyfriends, you will meet someone

I really hope this is true...it's what I say to myself every day, sad I know!

ollyk1

One word - College!

You sounds like an intelligent girl OP and I reckon you probably have a little trouble in letting your guard down to get to know people.

Try to be a little more relaxed and just try to enjoy your interactions with people and don't worry about turning people into friends. If its meant to be it will happen naturally.

When you go to college you'll find yourself mixing with a whole new set of people who know nothing about you and who will be as anxious to make friends as you are so you will have plenty of opportunities to make friends.

For the moment (and I don't want to sound patronising here) I want to suggest you try to stay calm about the whole thing and things will happen naturally.



* On a side note my 17 year old younger brother didn't have a bebo page until very recently and judging by the number of girlfriends he's had over the last 2 years no bebo definitely doesn't have to mean no social life!

Orlee

You coming to the boards beers form halloween?

ntlbell

I wouldn't really listen to ollyk OP he's 40 and spends most of his days trying to hit it off with chicks on bebo.

Anyway, like Olly said, you have to relax a bit you seem to have an air about you that you desperately want to please people and be happy all the time when you're around people in the hope they will be your friend, or not be yourself in the fear you might scare them away.

Try and chill out a bit more your 17 you have many good years ahead of you and you sound very intelligent and smart i'm sure you'll have built up a big network of friends in the very near future.

on the subject of bebo, I'm probably a tad old for it, but there are some other social networking sites that if you have varied interests you might find a few friends who are not spending they're nights drinking dutch gold in a souped up subura impreza

orkut is one IIRC it's owned by google, and probably facebook might be a bit better than bebo.

ollyk1

ntlbell wrote: »

I wouldn't really listen to ollyk OP he's 40 and spends most of his days trying to hit it off with chicks on bebo.

......retreats slowly back on the poker forum......



* Whilst I may look 40 I'm still only 28

McGinty

Hi Op

I agree with the others here, you sound like a really intelligent girl with a lot to offer. Personally I found being seventeen a hellish time, like you I had zlich self esteem, thought I was very ugly (I was wrong) and had no friends and the ones that I was with treated me like dirt. I remember one incident (I used to work in a shop) and I was friendly with this guy and we used to have a laugh together and he asked me out to see a hypnotist show, I stood him up because I thought he was only messing, I couldn't understand how he would fancy me, the next day he came into the shop and asked why did I not meet him and I told him I thought he was messing, rightly so he was very annoyed with me. I regret the fact that I didn't beleive that a nice, good looking guy wanted to date me, looking back I know that he genuinly fancied me but my crippling self esteem pushed him away, please try to see the beauty you have, even if you could pick out one thing that you like about yourself and focus on that and build from there.

I doubt bebo is the answer because what if you get largely ignored there? Personally if you could work on the self esteem the rest will fall into place, I know it is harder than it sounds because you want friends now but I personally believe if you don't deal with that the friend issue will be a recurring theme, that is my tuppence worth, if it makes you feel any better, I am twice your age and am dealing with a recurring issue, I hope you won't be as stubborn and pig headed as I am, best of luck.

ats

you said you joined up for some clubs but find that people never get back to you, well at least you are trying and that's a good thing. Why not a martial arts class, these are great for meeting people And can help boost your self confidence and self esteem. Maybe pop over to the MA forum and see if there's on in your area.

i think the guys that are saying grab us a drink there love are arseholes and just trying to get drink as you said yourself so ignore them.

Firetrap

You could try Bebo etc. but to be honest, you're better off getting out there and trying to meet people in the real world. Is there anything you can join that you haven't tried. Joining things doesn't automatically mean you'll make friends through there - it can be a mater of luck really what sort of people are there already. I still have memories of joining a club and discovering that they were the most clannish crowd ever and didn't really want anyone new joining. That's a bit of an extreme example though. Usually in clubs and stuff, people spend a while dancing around each other and sizing each other up before they get to know each other. I'm a bit sceptical about how many new friends anyone makes on Bebo. Having said that, there's no harm in setting up a Bebo page.

If you're heading to college in a couple of years, you will make new friends. It's quite a while since I was in college (you were probably in baby infants at the time) but some of my closest friends I met there. In contrast, I'm not in touch with anyone from my class in school - it's not that I dislike them, more that I'm indifferent to them.

Try not to get too wound up about not being surrounded by loads of friends, not having a boyfriend or your looks. Just because someone is surrounded by loads of pals does not mean that they have lots of good friends. In my experieince, a lot of people have a small number of good friends. These count far more than large numbers of hangers-on. Being a loner isn't a bad thing either. I'm a bit of one myself and I enjoy my own company and the freedom that that entails. Of course, too much of it isn't good either but one can strike a happy medium.

I don't know what you look like but you surely don't look as hideous as you think. Attractiveness comes in many guises. All of us know people who, while you wouldn't say "Oh, he or she is the most gorgeous person on the planet" have a certain something that makes them attractive. Try to relax, smile, be pleasant...these things will work for you.

mcR

Hi, I semi understand how your feeling, it sounds werid but when I was 17 (only 20 now) I had friends but they didnt really seem like they were my true friends or that they even liked me very much and I was always looking for new friends and I ended up moving from a new group of friends like every six months. What im saying is that bebo wouldnt be the answer because when you get talking to people it wont be as real as it seems.

I read that you already have a job, if your willing to leave it id say go to a big shop like dunnes or a big one in town. Loads of my friends work in dunnes and they have all met new friends from there and go out with them alot. This I think would suit you because over time you will really get to know them just by saying hello, then the next day laugh about something, the next talk about how bad your manager is and then you will find that over time you will have a few friends and then you can really grow on that, id take it slow and not jump right into being their good friend

As someone said before something like karate or st johns ambulance thats a weekly club will be a good social event and some people will be new and want new friends

I know loads of people who just go on looks and all that but I also know a good few who like people because of who they are and dont care what they look like, it sounds like im lieing but it is true and your definitely not the only one who thinks like this

Do you see or talk to any of your childhood friends, I lost contact with some of mine and we all recently went out and were have been going out ever since

Hope this helps

echosound

This is going to be long so bear with me.

I was very much like you as a teenager - full of self doubt, didn't think I looked good, thought no-one could possibly want to be friends with me, had only a few close friends etc etc. Thing is, it all stemmed from low self esteem, and I was looking at everything through a distorted window, IYKWIM.

I was always taken aback when new people I'd meet would invite me out for a drink or whatever, and always thought it must be out of pity or politeness etc, so I passed up on a lot of invites and busied myself putting up barriers so that no-one could get to know me and get the opportunity to hurt me.
However I was conversely a very confident teenager, as in, my intelligence and abilities, and could debate any topic with anyone, which it sounds like you are too (you strike me as slightly more intelligent than the usual giggling barbie obsessed with latest trends and you seem to be an individual thinker, which is good).

So my advice is the following (and it took me a good many years to follow it myself and I still struggle sometimes even today):

- accept that sometimes being a bit of a loner is a good thing - it's not a derogatory word, it's a sign of a stong individual who doesn't need constant validation from others and can enjoy their own company at times. Don't take it to an extreme though and become the "wierd loner".

- accept that other people DO find you fun to be around, and if someone invites you on a night out or to a meetup or whatever, don't think it's out of pity or politeness, go along and don't stand in the corner waiting shyly for someone to approach you, go and say hi to a group, and even if you only stand there listening to the general conversation and occasionally adding your piece, you will get to know people and they will get to know and like you.

-Same goes if you join a club - approach someone who looks new too and chat about whatever it is the club is for (eg "I always thought it'd be fun to try salsa, have you ever been to other classes before") or if there's no-one new, ask other members about how the club generally runs, eg "should I stand at the back and follow you til I get the hang of it" and continue on the conversation after the initial "excuse" for approaching them.

- Do not think you have to make friends exclusively with your classmates, most of my best friends from that era that I still keep in touch with are friends I made outside of school.

- Don't be desperately "trying" to make friends, as it will come across and put people off.Be natural, act like you think that they will want to be your friend as much as you want to be theirs, and put yourself in the position of equal, rather than "desperate to please". Note - not arrogant, just natural and as an "equal", cos trust me, you are not in anyway the one who needs to please others, they will be pleased anyway to beyour friend if you just act natural and are not putting on a forced smile and giving off wierd vibes, even if you don't mean to.

- realise that you are not hideously ugly by any stretch of the imagination. This is something that I still have to work at as I have a very poor self-image (lots of negative comments by overbearing parent) - but if you look around you, take full stock of your peers, stripping away their "persona" (ie the most popular girl in school, the class b*tch, whatever) as this colours how "attractive" you might rate someone, so you just see them as a stranger would see them on the street, and you will find that they are not perhaps all that pretty, and that maybe they are as insecure as you about their looks, covering it up with fake tan and layers of make-up and bleach blonde hair etc (which very few men seem to like BTW! Most males I'm friends with or have gone out with all tend to scoff at stereotypical "beauties" - the orange mannikins with an inch of rimmel on their mushes and prefer a girl who can look good without the aid of scaffolding).

- Take stock of your own good points and work to highlight them to make yourself feel better, if you have fabulous eyes, draw attention to them, if you've got great cleavage, or great legs, or whatever, wear something that shows them off (not neckline down to your bellybutton or skirt up to your arsecheeks mind!) and it will make you feel more confident in yourself, and this will in turn make you appear more confident to other people. A self-assured woman who is confident in her body is a huge turn on to most men (doens't matter if she has 5 bellies or 6 double chins, if she acts like she's sexy -without acting like a complete whore of course! - the charm of it serves to kinda convince the other person that she is actually sexy).


MCRs job advice is good - go for a place where there's a few people your own age (is there a local cinema? Cos I had the best laugh working there in my youth with other like-minded people!)

bebo - meh, go for it if you want, but I wouldn't personally bother with it, unless you think it might keep you in the loop a bit more with schoolfriends.

You say you get on well with your older brother's friends - any chance of hanging out with them a bit more (assuming they're not too much older). I don't mean be the little sister hanging on annoying your bro, just chat to them and you never know who they might end up introducing you to in their wider circle of friends.

Just remember - virtually everyone I know looks back at their teens with varying degrees of horror, it's a horrible time trying to find a place for yourself, but when you're finished the leaving cert and moving on to better things, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about

(told you it would be long!)

hdal

Hey hun, if i were you i'd get a part-time job in a clothes store like bt2 or somewhere where both guys & girls work. You make friends really easily in these stores (i've worked in both brown thomas & bt2 & have graet friends from them). The people there r lovely, most around your age and u go out to gigs, xmas parties etc and u really get to know them during work! I strongly recommend it! xx

LegacyUser

Dub_girl, imo trying to find friends via work/social clubs wont really help.

From the sounds of it I dont think you would have a problem making friends IF you didnt have such low self esteem. While having friends and people telling you youre nice/funny/attractive/etc is great and does help boost the confidence a bit, no-one else can truly make you feel good about yourself and stop you having low self esteem.

Until you feel like you're someone worth being friends with you'll have difficulty keeping friends.

I went(and still go) through the same thing. Low self esteem means I cant really make lasting friendships and have horrible times trying to date. Girls tell me I'm attractive and cute(i'm a guy btw!) and I feel so awkward that i act as if they were joking and when a girl flirts with me I either dont notice it or dont think she means anything by it.

I dont really have any advice, other than to keep trying and not get disheartened.

hupyago

howya dub girl
don't focus too much on your problems
I have similar friend issues
they're there when their there and when their not well your alone
recently I've been making online friends
through stumbleupon and clipmarks.com
relationships grow or die off
also my cousin runs a website on youth issues
I recommend it
http://www.spunout.ie/
there is a forum and and bebo section
everyones a potential friend especially if you have a common interest
happy searching!

newestUser

fxyz wrote: »

Dub_girl, imo trying to find friends via work/social clubs wont really help.

From the sounds of it I dont think you would have a problem making friends IF you didnt have such low self esteem. While having friends and people telling you youre nice/funny/attractive/etc is great and does help boost the confidence a bit, no-one else can truly make you feel good about yourself and stop you having low self esteem.

Until you feel like you're someone worth being friends with you'll have difficulty keeping friends.

I went(and still go) through the same thing. Low self esteem means I cant really make lasting friendships and have horrible times trying to date. Girls tell me I'm attractive and cute(i'm a guy btw!) and I feel so awkward that i act as if they were joking and when a girl flirts with me I either dont notice it or dont think she means anything by it.

I dont really have any advice, other than to keep trying and not get disheartened.

Don't take this guys advice anyway! Interacting with new people can hardly hurt your situation.

JC 2K3

Why has no one suggested talking to people in school??

OP, the root of your problem IMO is that you don't seem to have any friends in the group of peers you see every day, ie. your schoolmates.

Do you not talk to anyone in school? Is it a case of you talk to people but remain distant or are simply silent and reclusive?

Why not get talking to whoever sits beside you or w/e? If you make the effort and get talking to people on a regular basis you might find yourself invited out.

No point getting a part time job or joining a club or society until you can form basic friendly, non-distant relationships with your schoolmates IMO.

SligoBrewer

OP, id be quite similiar, in 5th year as well.


I have low self esteem since i was 10 when bullying started. My friends all deserted me from then on and when i moved to secondary school, I thought it was a new start. It was fine for about a year then, I became more and more desperate for attention. I made mistakes a plenty with girls and with life,and I became more and more rejected by my peers.

Transition year for me was the biggest mistake of my life as I'm stuck for another unnecessary year in this crap town when I could be amongst new people in a new life away from here.

I would have a group of 7 friends but I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't meet a gf for another 2 years til I get outta this kip.

Your not alone out there, my way of dealing with my situation is to just keep telling myself that it's only for 2 more years.

Dub_girl_101

Heya, thanx a mil for all the replies...I really appreciate them!

Just to clear up a few things...

JC 2K3 wrote: »

Why has no one suggested talking to people in school??

Do you not talk to anyone in school? Is it a case of you talk to people but remain distant or are simply silent and reclusive?

Thats a confusing one. I'm always initiating conversations with people, thats no issue at all, it just comes naturally with me. Even complete randomers along the street I would smile n create friendly chat with (and I can guarantee you they'd walk away thinking what a lovely sound girl). But, I'm akward when I get to know the person a bit more. I suddenly begin to think "why would she/he want to talk to me" and all this. And then it slowly goes downhill from there. For instance, I started a new school this yr and have had made a few regular friends that like i'd sit with in certain classes and all but now, i no longer sit with them, they just don't want to know me anymore and they make it clearly obvious. Like in a certain class, I would sit in a row of 3 with 2 other girls, same girls, same row, every class, but then this week one of them goes "here grab that two" to the other and leaves me sitting there in the row for 3! I just couldn't understand why....so that automatically makes me feel like i have a problem that jst turns people away but i cant point it out!

And I know some of you are gonna say "OP, u dont have a problem, they're the ones with the problem" but then why is this happening!?

LegacyUser

newestUser wrote: »

Don't take this guys advice anyway! Interacting with new people can hardly hurt your situation.

I didnt say interacting would hurt, I said forcing interaction on people wouldnt change the fact that for no good reason, some people suffer from low self esteem for a time.

Meeting new people is great, even if you dont become friends you get to hear and know interesting new things. But the problem is(for me, and the OP it seems), having low self esteem can be like an invisible signal that tells people not to bother with you after an initial nice chat that everyone seems to enjoy.

I went out with an old school friend tonight, I met some of his friends, we had a good chat and I was constantly chattering away with them and holding an intelligent interesting conversation. But I know despite this, if i want to go out with any of them again it will be me hunting them down.

I dont let it get me down, it can be disheartening but I know I'm a good guy and if I have my deficiencies, so be it.

JC 2K3

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

But, I'm akward when I get to know the person a bit more. I suddenly begin to think "why would she/he want to talk to me" and all this. And then it slowly goes downhill from there.

Thought so. I had a similar issue myself(not to the point of extreme isolation like you seem to be in, but I can see how such a mindset could cause this).

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

And I know some of you are gonna say "OP, u dont have a problem, they're the ones with the problem" but then why is this happening!?

No, sorry. It's harsh, but you DO have a problem. In fact, you've identified it in the first part of your post I quoted.

You've gotta start realising that this instinctive "why would she/he want to talk to me?" reaction isn't something uncontrollable that you're doomed to have to deal with for the rest of your life. Maybe just try ignoring it or thinking the opposite the next time you're in such a situation. It's up to you to drag yourself out of this low self esteem rut. Try applying a blind belief in "I am good enough" to every situation in your life for a while and see how much happier you are.

l3LoWnA

This is probably a load of absolute codswallop I'm about type so pass no heed if you don't care to pass any heed ok?! :rolleyes: it's late and I'm bored!

Girls in schools can be B*TCHES!! Same goes on after school in college, then in the work-place. Don't pass ANY heed of it! They will eventually learn how to respect others...possibly....although maybe not in this life-time. I know it sounds crazy, but is there ANY way you would ask these girls (or one of them at least) who you used to be quite friendly with just exactly why they are acting like this? You have nothing to lose by asking. And you might just find out that it was a simple misunderstanding or something. Try and be brave enough to ask them next week - you could say it in a casual way to one of them "am I imagining things or are ye avoiding me? Is there something I've done coz if there is, I'd like to know" and a big smile if you don't ask, you don't get answers, you'll run yourself into the ground wondering!!! And they cannot condemn you for asking them!

Bebo is NOT the answer to any of your problems. Neither is sitting on the internet for hours on end, it can bring you down even more sometimes although it IS good to talk about your pbs etc (believe me over the years, at my lowest points, I've always end up on the net for hours and hours.....then I realise one day that I'm happy, busy and life is good and think back to the last time I visitted a chatroom/forum and it's usually ages ago!)

Now...

Do you feel good about yourself as a person?

Do you feel good about your appearance?
Hair/Skin/Clothes/Body?

Do you feel good about your personal hygiene?
(I know this sounds totally lame but there was one girl in my school who was outgoing and extremely chatty with pupils and teachers alike, she'd talk the hind legs off a donkey which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, She had the worst Body Odour problem EVER and had absolutely no friends solely because of this. I know some of us should probably have been big enough to address the issue with her but we were young and stupid and so this poor girl went through school, I'd imagine, talking to absolutely everyone - but "knowing" nobody and extremely lonely!)

Do you feel good about your fitness?

If the answer is no to any of the above, what can you do to address these issues. You don't sound very confident. You need to TRY and build confidence. You need to work with yourself first, what can you do personally to build your own confidence, without even thinking about other people or new friends or the likes...join a gym or a class, get a hair-do, do some charity work on the weekends to feel good about yourself. whatever floats your personal boat but start building that confidence now.....Starting a bebo is not going to gain you ANY confidence or friends. I have a bebo (I don't use very often) but I do use it to keep in touch with different friends from different places I've met over the years, to share pictures etc. It's handy for that but I've never once met a new person through it and even though I've seen loads of people on there that I'd know to say hello to I'd never dare add them as a friend unless they were a friend if you get me?!? I think it's all about fear of rejection and bebo is not a confidence building website so rule that one out for now!!

DO you have anyone, a sibling or cousin perhaps that you could get dressed up with on the weekend and hit the town with?! You sound like you need to get dolled up and have a good night out!

I am a heavy girl with a very low self-esteem at times!! However I do have massive confidence for some strange reason and this at least projects on the outside. I guess this is how I have so many friends. I also talk alot like yourself, and I listen alot too which I'm told is a good quality!!! Much as I'd like to never sh*t-up, people hate a me-me-me-motor-mouth if you can't get a word in edge-ways We've one at work and her voice alone gives me head-aches! :rolleyes: Don't put yourself down on front of people, it's a huge turn-off! Try to relax and enjoy your own company first, get to know yourself! Sometimes you're better off being happy on your own!!! LOVE yourself!!! LOTS!!!!

PS - All my friends had boyfriends-a-plenty long before me. I had my first kiss well well after them - think I was 16.5, but I wasn't long catching up. I started going out with my sister @ weekends and kissed my first "boy" in a nightclub - well after the days of the teenage disco had ended for me! there's no rush with having a boyfriend although it probably killed me at the time so I do understand how you're feeling. But your problem as you seem to already know, is not making friends, it's confidence right? It's far more important to be happy within yourself and have faith in yourself first. The friends & men will come rolling in once you sort yourself out. Try not to think of it as a bad thing tha tyou haven't had a bf. You will be far better prepared for lads when you've sorted your own life out first You'll have a great advantage then - Wisdom

Caliden

Whats the point in NOT having one?

I was the same as yourself and I thought bebo was a waste of time but if you're on it you learn about people's parties and everything associated with it. In the 2 years I've been on it I've had several girls I've met on nights out send me private mail because they were too shy to ask when I met them out.

As shallow as it may seem bebo is definitely a part of college life. You can meet new friends and casually flirt with someone in your course that you are too shy to say anything to in person and vica versa.

hupyago

things that have helped me be more friendly
listen to others attentively
focus on the other person
ask questions,get interested in them
don't worry about it too much find other things to think about or do, might lead to making more friends

Lawless_Samurai

hupyago wrote: »

things that have helped me be more friendly
listen to others attentively
focus on the other person
ask questions,get interested in them
don't worry about it too much find other things to think about or do, might lead to making more friends

I've read alot of replies to this thread and this one is probably the soundest advice!!!

Dub_girl_101

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Do you feel good about yourself as a person?

I do and I don't TBH! I think I used to be the nicest girl going and was often told that but now I'm just so stressed all the time and am so full of my own problems that I'm not listening to others. It's horrible, I don't even know if I am doing this but i'm just so confused, can't think straight! I think to others I appear grumpy n all down n out but Ive been trying SOOOO incredibly hard to put a smile on. But it's impossible cuz u can be just sitting in class not thinking of it n then notice urself looking grumpy n then u hav to snap out of it n be all smiles again...ugh it's all so stressful!

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Do you feel good about your appearance?
Hair/Skin/Clothes/Body?

It's weird, on weekends I feel I look well and am "fairly" confident about my appearance, but when monday morning comes, it's five days of feeling lyk ****! Have no idea why this is but appearance is a big thing to me. I put a lot of effort into it but doesn't make me feel great. Just "better" than worse if ya get me!? I also go to the gym about 3/4 times a week to help in this.

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Do you feel good about your personal hygiene?

lol yea, I'm pretty clean alright... haha nah I get what ya mean, yea like as I said I put a lot of effort into my appearance and all.

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Do you feel good about your fitness?

Well my fitness level would be a lot higher than average as I have been going to the gym since I was 13 regularly! Doesn't mean my figure is great tho!

wba88

If you want to setup a bebo account do it, then link it here, people can add you then you will have a few friends before you start adding people from your school or friends of friends etc. and you might even make friends with a few people on here!...You sound like a great person btw!

Oh and i totally agree with 'l3LoWnA' there are a lot of b*tches/b*stards in school you just have to learn to ignore them, which I understand can be hard at times.

El_mariachi

wba88 wrote: »

and you might even make friends with a few people on here!...

thats a very good point, look how many are trying to help you....

G86

Aw you poor pet, listen, I know how you feel. When I first moved to Dublin I didn't know anyone, and it sucked! But you just have to get yourself out there.

I think bebo's a great idea, sure I'm practically addicted to the thing now, all my friends are on it. I don't know why ppl are so quick to slate it. Like the poster above said, if you join up we'll all add ye and you'll have loadsa mates

In my opinion, the best way to make friends is through other friends

You sound like a cool chick so don't stress yourself about it, and pm me anytime if you need to talk, even if you're just stuck in some night and feeling sorry for yourself, ok!

best of luck

xo

LegacyUser

This'll be lost in the middle of the rest of the replies but...

Dont do it, don't try fit in with a scene you're not comfortable with. You wont enjoy it and you'll be faking it forever. Instead just do the things you want to do yourself, even if it means making an effort, and you'll find that you'll meet plenty of other people who share your interests. Better one real friend than a hundred fake ones.

Dub_girl_101

Cheers for all the advice and ehm.....compliments!?

Just to let yous know, I set up a bebo, spent about a week uploading photos n finding blogs and everything, anyways, it was all set ready to go so I started off inviting a close friend, she accepted, viewed it and with that...I freaked out! Dunno what it was. When I logged off and came back on to see it it had been accepted by her I just immediately started panicking and deleted it! Soooo, I know that sounds ridiculous and I feel a rite fool posting this but I think that proves bebo is not worth it. Where to go now, I'm back to square one. How depressing!

LegacyUser

Do well in your LC, get into a decent uni, then youll have too many friends.

hupyago

I'd strongly recommend you look at this website
http://www.spunout.ie
heres a link to an article,& theres lots more where it came from
http://www.spunout.ie/health/friends/friendship-tips/79-1224
there is also a forum on the site

muppetkiller

Sorry OP but I think you try too hard to get people to like you..and then get freaked out when they do.

I was terrible for that in college when I started and tried to please everyone.
Only person I forgot about pleasing was me. People/friends who matter will accept you for who you are. Those that don't will be long forgotten in a few months time anyway so try not to focus on them.

As for things like setting up a bebo page etc...why are you trying to conform to be like everyone else ? Do you feel that you'll be accepted more if you do ? Trust me non-conformists are much more interesting anyway so do the things YOU like doing and eventually all the pieces will fall into place.

Personally I think if you want to meet interesting people I think myspace may be more your thing anyway. You seem too intelligent for bebo.

Firetrap

Muppetkiller's right. If you try too hard to make friends, you will end up scaring people off. I've come across people in my time who I knew were trying too hard to be friendly and to be honest, it made me want to get out of there as soon as possible. Maybe I'm too wary but if I meet somebody who's coming on too strong (for want of a better word), my defences go up straight away. There's a line between being friendly and over-friendly.

I still think you're better off meeting people in the flesh rather than online. If nothing else, it will help you develop social skills. Don't take that the wrong way - I'm not saying that you're socially inept or anything - but what I am trying to say is that practice makes perfect and the more time you spend around people, the better you'll get at having interesting conversations with people and making friends.

Try not to analyze things to death and obsess about people liking you. Trust me, not everyone you're going to meet is going to like you.

Here's a tip - next time you get into a conversation with someone you don't know, how about letting them do all the talking. Being egotistical creatures, most human beings like to think that others find us fascinating. If you chat away to someone for long enough, you'll find out what makes them tick. Get them talking about something they're interested in and take it from there.

LegacyUser

My sister was in the same boat as you. She would be considered by others to being fit, attractive, bubbly personality... but she found secondary school very difficult and friends to her were a nightmare issue.

Here are my thoughts on those days:
She really was trying too hard to please people and make friends..
She came across as trying too hard and this made her in a mild way "fake".
She did join clubs and made friends at these places but they never seemed to carry on.
She was highly intelligent.

Everything changed in college for her, but not at first. College seemed to go the same way; she got accepted to Civil Engineering and was, as you can imagine in a class full of lads and few girls. She really wanted to befriend the girls... it wasn't working out like she had "planned".
So what happened; well she eventually got a boyfriend from one of the college nights out and stuck with him for years. She made friends from his friends, then she made friends on her own...
But one thing that always gets me about her friends is she disects everything. Lesson; don't try too hard, but definately do try.
I don't know what to recommend on the bebo front; leave it be for a while.
In the mean time (before you get to college/the next step after school), work hard at school, get on well at your grades/LC (5th year for me was LC... perhaps ur in the year before that).

Dub_girl_101

Thanks everyone soooo incredibly much for the replies. It really does make me feel better knowing that they're people who are willing to take time to read and post a message of advice so thanks a mil.

TBH at the moment it's going really downhill. I know myself I'm a very unhappy and lonely person (doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out!). I'm constantly thinking and worrying and OBSESSING over how I look. I feel sooo incredibly ugly and can't bare it! I feel as though I shouldn't even be here. These can't be normal thoughts for a fifth year. I just cant figure out whats actually reality any more! What I mean by that is, my mum keeps telling me I'm not seen myself in the right light that i'm the opposite to what I think and I can't accept this! She's a parent and I have enough sense to know she just wants me as her daughter to be happy and she knows that telling me the truth would kill me. I don't know what to believe. It's reached a stage where i'm viewing everyone and everything on looks! I dont mean that in the way you're probably thinking. I obviously go for personality ANY DAY above looks but people my age all go by looks. For instance... "the popular girls"..they're all stunning, yea, they may be wearing looads of makeup, but they're undeniably stunning. Then theres the "nerd/loser group" who are viewed as "ugly" and all this ****! It's not a nice reality but it's true..these groups DO exist. I don't go by this mentality at all but i feel because I only have one friend, I've never been approached by a stunning person, does this mean people are avoiding me because I'm "ugly"!? Or am I even, I don't know what to believe! This all sounds like waffle I know, and isn't coming across clear at all but this is all how I'm feeling. I can't take much more...I really can't. I'm too unhappy. And please people, pleeease do not recommend talking to a psychologist or someone, been there done that and made no difference, for 3 yrs! And no medication either, I would never go on anti-depressants or whatever.

I was approached by a woman on the street yest in town, rush hour so there were loads of people around and i was listening to my ipod and instead of asking anyone else who hadnt ear phones on, she asked me for the time. This tiny little thing made me happy for a while because I thought that must have meant I appear approachable so I cant be that bad!? But thats rubbish! It could have just been that I was standing beside her. I know I'm looking into this waaaay too deep but I need answers now and I need to do something before I ruin my leaving cert and life. I can't keep on feeling this low...

I'm so sorry for yappin on! I tend to do that a lot...:)

Dub_girl_101

And I forgot to mention, I was in a class today and the teacher asked "Do any of you think it's possible to be sooo down for such a long length of time that after a while, you can't feel emotions any more?"...upon hearing this I almost burst into tears in class. It rang home to me so much. Even my family are telling me how I just "don't give a **** about anything/anyone any more" and it's not nice. This really hurt me but I've improved, hence as I was saying earlier that I'm constantly trying to smile. But sorry back to the point, I think I have reached this stage. I have no emotions except anger and hurt and extreme loneliness. I'm only 17, and it's been going on since I was 13, I was the happiest person throughout the junior school and was miss popular and very friendly/outgoing, but now, it's all gone. I really cant even type here, i'm that confused!

JC 2K3

Stop analysing everything so deeply. And no matter what you'd like to believe, loads of people your age go through the exact same thing, so they are relatively normal thoughts for a 5th year.

You're not doing any favours for yourself by thinking that you're so different to everyone else. For example, does the fact that the "stunning" girls wear loads of make up not suggest to you that they're insecure about how they look and perhaps think they're ugly without it?

Also, why are you waiting for people to approach you? You've gotta make an effort to talk to people, don't just be waiting around for them to talk to you.

Finally, why are you so against anti depressants? I'm not suggesting you should go on them, but I can't see why you're ruling them out for no reason.

nobodythere

Stay away from 'profile view' douchebags.

If you don't know someone too well add them after a conversation that ends on a high note.

These are the words of the Bebo lords. Go in peace.