So Angry

LegacyUser

This is difficult so I'll get to the point. I've never known my father. He had some issues and ran away from my mother, and his family after I was born. A few years ago I stumbled across some images of him along with cards he sent me up til I was three. He seemed to care about me, at least that was the impression I got. So I set about finding him. Eventually, I sent him a letter through an agency in England (where he lives) and I know that he received it. Naively, I was hopefull for a quick response because I had been under the mistaken impression that he was searching for me(?). He never replied. I told him everything about myself, where I lived, what my mother was doing, what I was doing with my life. Everything. I feel so angry with myself now. I told him everything, and he didn't even reply, even to say 'f*ck off leave me alone'. I'm so angry at myself for being so naive!!! So very angry. I'm normally a very calm person. But I cannot escape this horrible anger at myself for doing this stupid thing, being so open and revealing intimate details of my life to a father who should have been around for his child. I hate myself for doing this. It was so stupid. (I even called him Dad!!! IDIOT)

I cannot control this anger, I guess it's at both myself and him. Eventually, with the help of a very kind woman who helps people search for lost relatives (she is amazing) - I traced his family, my family in this country. After some nervous phonecalls, I went down to see them and it was a great experience. They were amazed because they didn't even know I existed. Still they were very kind and welcoming and I am very glad to have met them. I found out that they hadn't seen my father in years either, he disappeared. Last time they saw him was 95.

Anyway, this guy obviously doesn't want to be traced because I guess he has some demons from the past. I'm not so much interested in tracing him now (not worth it? I am in two minds) but I cant seem to get past this anger I have over the whole situation. Since I found the cards & pictures it has been a very emotional time for me. This was a few years ago now but it's always at the back of my mind. Everytime I think of it the anger flares up, along with related emotions that really put a downer on things.

I don't know what to do but I want(need) to get over this.

Beruthiel

I would suggest you see a professional and talk through this with them.
Don't be angry with yourself, you did the right thing by trying to contact him.
You reached out, he did not have the balls to reach back, in fact, he must have some really big issues to ignore his family, let alone you.
To put his family in that kind of pain is an extreemly selfish act, not only do they and you loose out, but he also does.
It must be with him every day of his life. He cannot be a happy man.

Kaldorn

i suggest seeing a professional, no i dont,you dont need to see a professional and pay out of your a$$ to get this prick off your chest.you need to vent your anger,i would suggest boxing or some form of physical activity or try to get a skumbag to start on you,its very easy and then give him a good hiding.seriously though..just move on,he had his reasons and the fact he ignores you means he doesnt care anymore.just be glad he wasnt around when you were growing up because that could have caused ten times more pain,dont see a professional..thats everyones solution and its a load of crud!
we are irish not american..ooh i broke a nail,think ill give my shrink a call.....

Marksie

kaldorn Banned: advocating violence as a measn of resolving issues.

LegacyUser

Hi,

See my post about trying to contact my siblings whom I have never met. You and I are working on the same problem but from different ends. In my case, Im the kid my dad had after his other relationship broke up, leaving three kids. In your case, your one of the kids he left. For my dad, the relationship broke up, and he tried to have a part in the kids lives but was stone walled at every attempt. He would go to the house and say he wanted to take the kids out, and she would say, "You cant because they are going swimming today", and he would say "Well I can take them and drop them off" and she would say "I already made other plans, Maybe next time", and next time never arrived. He sent them presents for birthdays, and my source is unsure whether the kids ever got them. He does not like to talk about it, and has never said a bad thing about his ex.

I am not saying thats the case in your situation, but assuming your 20+ now, the break up happened about 17+ years ago when fathers had next to nothing when it comes to rights once they left the household.

You said you know he received the letter, how do you know? Maybe he received it but did not get to read it. Maybe it got thrown out before he could read it. It happens to me all the time. When did you send it? Don't forget there is a postal strike in England at the moment. Maybe he replied and its waiting in a mail depot in southhampton or somewhere. I am waiting for a letter from wales for 3 weeks.

Dont feel angry, at him or at yourself. You have no reason to be angry at your self, its natural to want to find him. As for him, even if he has got it, and even if he has read it, maybe he is still thinking about his response, or has written it, and is delibrating over sending it. Maybe he is waiting for the postal strike to end, because he does not want to send it, and risk it getting lost, and then not knowing whether you got it or not. Or maybe when he left your mother, a friend or relative told him not to contact any of you again. I say give him a break and give him some time. Maybe he has a new family, and he has not told them about you and needs to find the right time.