PMS Could Destroy Our Relationship

Wombatman

I've been with my partner for 8 years. We have two children 4 and 2. We both work full time and have just been through the build of a new house. My partners father died a year ago. Pace of life is fast and stress levels can run high. We argue and fight like any couple. I have my faults like any one else.

Lately it has become clear to me that a lot of fights and hostility start in the four days or so before my partners period. These fights are usually triggered by my partner IMO and are of an emotive nature. The subjects of these fights are often IMO trivial matters not worthy of such emotional outbursts, frustration and anger.

I have become very exasperated with this patter of hostility, as the aftermath often lasts for weeks. It really puts a black cloud over the house. I have discussed all this with my partner and have said that if this pattern of fighting continues I see no future in the relationship for me as the happy, fun times are losing out to this phenomenon.

Comments? Any suggestions on how to move forward? Counselling has been suggested but I'm against it as I feel the problem is a very simple one.

I found this link helpful.

Wook

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sjaakie

im a woman, had the same problems as your wife, horrible for the home situation.. i started to take vit. E, evening primrose oil, magnesium and vit. B. every day.. since then: no hassle what so ever anylonger.

after ca. 20 years of those difficult days i feel like a brand new woman.

How Strange

Wombatman, when you have experienced huge changes in your hormones on a monthly basis to the point that sometimes you think you are going mad and are not in control of your own emotions then come back and tell us how you feel.

You obviously know the biology of the whole thing but psychologically a woman can feel trapped in her own body and mind for at least a week before her period. It's not particularly pleasant and we don't enjoy it.

I have discussed all this with my partner and have said that if this pattern of fighting continues I see no future in the relationship for me as the happy, fun times are losing out to this phenomenon.

Poor you, its not fun any more eh! Well I doubt it is a day in the fun park for your partner either. IMO, this attitude would only serve to make your partner feel even worse rather than helping the situation.

You say you have two young children, you built a house, you both work full time AND your partner lost her father a year ago. There are alot of things going on there apart from a monthly menstruation cycle. Do you help around the house or do you expect your partner to look after the children when she comes home? Do you share all the household chores equally?

She also lost her father which is a cataclysmic event in anyone's life and she could realistically still be greiving after a year and maybe quite down about it.

Counselling has been suggested but I'm against it as I feel the problem is a very simple one.

This is completely patronising and condescending. It's not up to you to dismiss someone's mental state. How do you know what's going on in her head if everytime it is discussed you tell her you will leave if the fun times don't come back.

This is life - it's not always fun, people get depressed, stressed and maybe don't deal with it the best way.

IMO, your partner is dealing with her stress by lashing out but you are dealing it by dismissing her completely and telling her if she doesn't snap out of it and cheer up that you are leaving.

IMO, counselling would most probably be a good thing for both of you.

Nevyn

The pms may be the trigger but if there was not so much stress there would not be the melt down; chance are she only tells you what is going on with her when she does stress out.

Couselling will help deal with the stressers in her life, which includes the all the issues you have mentioned and when the stress levels are lower then she will have less to rant and rage about.

Blaming it all in pms is going to be counter productive esp if you are saying this to her
so stop using her horrormoans as an excuse for you to opt out and leave the realationship. There are two of you in this relationship and two of you running the household and ascribing to you current life style.

Both of you should be looking at ways to tackle the issues in your life and your relationship togethter.

vorbis

How Strange wrote: »

Wombatman, when you have experienced huge changes in your hormones on a monthly basis to the point that sometimes you think you are going mad and are not in control of your own emotions then come back and tell us how you feel.

This is not a get out of jail free card for women! The OP's partner is supposed to be his equal no, if she is, then she is responsible for her own mental health. It wouldn't be acceptable for a guy to start blazing arguments with his partner once a month so its not acceptable for his partner.

OP, I think you've done the right thing so far in confronting her about it. Some guys put up with this pms rubbish and tbh I've no idea why. Would your partner pull that emotional crap at work to her boss? Not a chance! She's well able to control it if she has to.

I wouldn't dismiss counselling out of hand, it could help your partner to better handle her emotions. She's failing at it right now.

Nevyn

It is not pms rubbish, every woman goes through this at varing intensities and if there was no stress in thier lives and she was acting out then that would be differnt.

Yes there are medical conditions where women are crippled and driven demented with the change in horror moans and they have to be treated medically but if her life if as stressful as the op says then that needs to change and he is apart of thier life together and can not blame it all on her.

Doctor DooM

How Strange wrote: »

Wombatman, when you have experienced huge changes in your hormones on a monthly basis to the point that sometimes you think you are going mad and are not in control of your own emotions then come back and tell us how you feel.

You obviously know the biology of the whole thing but psychologically a woman can feel trapped in her own body and mind for at least a week before her period. It's not particularly pleasant and we don't enjoy it.


Poor you, its not fun any more eh! Well I doubt it is a day in the fun park for your partner either. IMO, this attitude would only serve to make your partner feel even worse rather than helping the situation.

You say you have two young children, you built a house, you both work full time AND your partner lost her father a year ago. There are alot of things going on there apart from a monthly menstruation cycle. Do you help around the house or do you expect your partner to look after the children when she comes home? Do you share all the household chores equally?

She also lost her father which is a cataclysmic event in anyone's life and she could realistically still be greiving after a year and maybe quite down about it.


This is completely patronising and condescending. It's not up to you to dismiss someone's mental state. How do you know what's going on in her head if everytime it is discussed you tell her you will leave if the fun times don't come back.

This is life - it's not always fun, people get depressed, stressed and maybe don't deal with it the best way.

IMO, your partner is dealing with her stress by lashing out but you are dealing it by dismissing her completely and telling her if she doesn't snap out of it and cheer up that you are leaving.

IMO, counselling would most probably be a good thing for both of you.

None of this excuses one person using another as an emotional punch bag.

The OP could have put it gentler, but he has a serious point- if it happens every single month, over trivial matters, its wrong. If it was the man doing it to the woman, there would be people calling it mental abuse.

I do agree that counselling would be a good idea, OP for both the you and your wife, but no one should have to walk on eggshells around someone they've dedicated their life to. I would suspect as above that your wife is still in grief, as if not dealt with the loss of a parent does not leave you for a long, long time.

How Strange

vorbis Quote...This is not a get out of jail free card for women! OP, I think you've done the right thing so far in confronting her about it. Some guys put up with this pms rubbish and tbh I've no idea why. Would your partner pull that emotional crap at work to her boss? Not a chance! She's well able to control it if she has to.

I wouldn't dismiss counselling out of hand, it could help your partner to better handle her emotions. She's failing at it right now.

Oh yeh, he's playing a blinder! The model of emotional maturity. He's handling his emotions by telling his wife that his life with her is no longer fun, in fact it is a PHENOMENON!! and the entire problem is a simple one of her making. That's passive and cowardly. If your domestic life is making you that miserable then surely you would be completely open to any sort of therapy which would improve it for both of you and your children,

I have discussed all this with my partner and have said that if this pattern of fighting continues I see no future in the relationship for me as the happy, fun times are losing out to this phenomenon.Comments? Any suggestions on how to move forward? Counselling has been suggested but I'm against it as I feel the problem is a very simple one.

That's the way to confront her alright. You should reach Splitsville in a few months or at the most a year the way the TWO of you are going.

IMO, the OP is clueless about what is really bugging his partner and is blaming PMT because its convenient. I would imagine their life (young children, working fulltime, new house, mortgage, tiredness, stress) is the main factor and he also said she lost her dad a year ago. I suppose she should just snap out of that too and not be going on about it still eh!

The OP is clueless because he is dismissing his partner's feelings and belittling them to the point where he sees it all as being SIMPLE.

If his partner really is volatile then she needs to work on that but there are always contributing factors and rather than looking for his way out he should start trying to figure out what they are.

Wibbs

vorbis wrote: »

Would your partner pull that emotional crap at work to her boss? Not a chance! She's well able to control it if she has to.

While this is not the case with many women there are quite a few who do use it as an excuse for childish behaviour. I've direct experience with what vorbis is saying here. I've known three women who were well able to control their self explained hormonal outbursts when they needed to, yet chose not to when in other situations. Now we all let our hair down with those we are comfortable with, but that comfort also brings responsibilities to those people to keep it down as much as possible, or to seek help if you don't have that self control. If you can keep a level head with your boss or bank manager, why not extend a little of that courtesy to the ones you love.

The OP's partner has had a lot going on in her life and that level of stress can overwhelm some. Both of them need to work on this through counseling or vitamins for her, or simply making time for each other. Do this quickly as the kids are doubtless picking up on this tension. Their happiness should be paramount.

syklops

I have been with my GF for 2 years, and Im thinking about popping the question,and not long into the relationship I noticed we never argued. Then she moved in with me, and once every four weeks she would get very pissy with me. Nothing I did was right, her view was right etc etc. I tried letting the week go by and not saying anything but its impossible to do that when you both have stressful jobs, so I would say something back, an argument would ensue, normally ending in her crying, and for the rest of the month we would be fine. Once we knew what was causing it we were able to deal with it. She now recognises the feelings coming on early, and we can deal with it. She is on the pill and apparently that can cause more emotional problems.

I have 100% sympathy for the OP, as the person who you love and respect, and is usually 100% reliable, turns into a different person. Talk to her when she is not on/leading up to her period. Ask her does she notice the difference in her behaviour. I am sure she does. Is she on the pill or patches as this can add to the problem?

Also, has she always been like this, or is it just in recent years? Pregnancy can cause elevated hormone levels. You said one of your children is only 2, which means she is still getting her body back on track.

Try the evening primrose oil. My mother takes it everyday for some kind of hormone balancing. I never asked exactly what. Im going to buy some for my GF.

Dukephil

It's amusing to me how many of these threads end up dividing on Male/female lines. Surely the idea when two people form a couple is that they are in it together?

I was in a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend myself before and she vented on me regularly. She told me that she was angry, but not with me, although that didn't exactly placate me. She seemed to need to vent on the nearest person when she was in a certain mood and seemed pretty unapologetic about it afterwards.

Maybe the idea should be to find an emotionally compatible partner and spare the drama.

Nevyn

Or maybe be supportive and suggest that they get couselling/theraphy.

Venting is fine and well and can be constructive but when there are a lot of issues or intense issules it is not fair to use your partner to take an emotional dump.
If you use your family as an emotional toilet you loose respect for each other, this is why
counsellors are strangers you can go and relief yourself of the stress and learn to cope and deal with issues and then walk way.
Men do this as well not just women.

It can't be blamed on pms or the other person in the relationship, the behaviour will find a trigger and tip toeing around a person as to not set off one of thier triggers doesn't work
and is damn tiring.

Couselling both seperate and as a couple will help, ultimatiums such as your pms is ruining my fun and our life and I will leave due to your pms is just piling on the stress and making matters worse.

McGinty

Hi Op

Just to ask has your partner's moods got worse with the death of her father? Often underlying emotional problems become more exasperated prior to a period. How long have you both lived together and how long is since these mood swings have occurred?

I lost a family member two years ago and to be honest it was after the first anniversary that the grieving really took hold, yet everyone expected me to be over it, by any chance are you expecting the same of your partner? I personally went for counselling and it saved my sanity and I know I have come to accept my sister's death now.

Incidentally I noticed when I was really grieving that my mood was worse prior to my period but I don't think it was just pms as now my mood is better during the same time. Recently I was with my partner and I became emotional and he just held me very close and do you know what it made a huge difference, I felt safe to let my feelings out. Would you consider doing this? What I mean is not fixing her, or telling her to stop crying/being angry, but just holding her and silently letting her express her emotions, for me it really bonded me to my partner and deepened our trust. Paradoxically my mood passed really quickly and I was much more open to him.

Also is there fun things you could bring into the relationship? That is get the children looked after and do something fun be it a movie, a night out, dancing naked in the kitchen to daft music, anything out of the ordinary to change the stress of the day.

NextSteps

How Strange wrote: »

The OP is clueless because he is dismissing his partner's feelings and belittling them to the point where he sees it all as being SIMPLE.

If his partner really is volatile then she needs to work on that but there are always contributing factors and rather than looking for his way out he should start trying to figure out what they are.

I agree. You gain nothing by boiling it all down to a simple chemical imbalance, then shrugging off the responsibility and blaming it all on your partner. You're a team, and you need to deal with this together.

And there's nothing worse than being told you're spoiling someone's fun - I think I'd hit the roof if (at a stressful time) my partner threw that at me!

Wombatman

How Strange
You seem to have missed my point in the OP.

Putting it simply I feel I can't put up with the prevailing pattern over 2.5 years of: PMS = Sh1% Storm = Misery for all for a week or so. This is my problem.

My language was a little loose though. Identifying the problem I think is simple. Fixing it could be difficult.

Outside of PMS time we have a good relationship and have achieved a lot together. Arguments in the time outside of PMS are rational, two way and productive.

I mentioned kids, work, death etc in OP as I'm sensitive that these are features on my partners emotional landscape and that some can be destabilising and emotionally challenging.

We all feel we have big issue to deal with in our lives.

It’s the high probability that PMS = Fight (the phenomenon I was talking about) that I'm trying to get help with.

Statements like:

Poor you, its not fun any more eh!
This is completely patronising and condescending.
Oh yeh, he's playing a blinder!
The model of emotional maturity.
That's passive and cowardly.
IMO, the OP is clueless

are not helping and inaccurate. I think my partner would agree to this. I plan to print out this thread for her.

I do my share in the house and with the kids. Why the snap question?

Life in the main should be fun. If in the long run it is not you should do something about it. That is what I'm trying to do.

Are words in capitals = to shouting?

dudara

Wombatman wrote: »

Are words in capitals = to shouting?

Yes.

As to your original question, even the most stable woman can feel a bit mental around that time of the month. For me personally, being on the pill helped immensely, both physically and mentally.

Supplements such as evening primrose and starflower oil are promoted as aids to helping combat the effects of PMT.

I've also read recently about a more extreme form of PMT called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PDD) in November's edition of Company magazine.

Mazeire

Wombatman wrote: »

Putting it simply I feel I can't put up with the prevailing pattern over 2.5 years of: PMS = Sh1% Storm = Misery for all for a week or so. This is my problem.

Hi OP. I'm a wee bit confused. From what i understand from the above it sounds like she has only been acting like this with her PMS for the last 2.5 years. See, if it was PMS i would have thought she would have been irritable around P day for the 8 years you have known her. I think she may be putting it down to PMS, she may genuinely believe it would be PMS but it sounds like something else os going on and prehaps she lets rip and vents her stress around the time of her period because she can legitimise it to her self and to you by saying it's PMS. A word of advice, don't print out this thread and show it to her. What do you feel that doing this would say to her that you yourself in person can't? I would be really hurt and embarrassed to see some of the things said on here if i was in her position.

How Strange

Wombatman.... How Strange You seem to have missed my point in the OP.
My language was a little loose though. Identifying the problem I think is simple. Fixing it could be difficult.

It’s the high probability that PMS = Fight (the phenomenon I was talking about) that I'm trying to get help with.

I mentioned kids, work, death etc in OP as I'm sensitive that these are features on my partners emotional landscape and that some can be destabilising and emotionally challenging.

Wombatman, I responded to the language in your post. The words you used were fun, phenomenon, simple. You have it condensed into black and white. Its her PMT and nothing else. You are still saying that the problem is simple so I think that is where you are missing the point.

The problem isn't simple - no problem ever is otherwise it wouldn't be a problem. If it was just PMT you could slip some evening primrose oil into her tea in the morning and live a content and fun life. The kids, the house, the jobs, the recent death of her father - this is life for you and her.

She is dealing with the death of a parent and I think you are disregarding the impact that would have on her. My dad is the most even tempered person I know and I'd never seen him down or feeling sorry for himself but when his father died he was like a lost soul for a couple of years. He wasn't himself at all and it took along time for him to get over it.

Statements like:
Poor you, its not fun any more eh!
This is completely patronising and condescending.
Oh yeh, he's playing a blinder!
The model of emotional maturity.
That's passive and cowardly.
IMO, the OP is clueless
are not helping and inaccurate.

Maybe they are not helpful to your argument and maybe they are not accurate (because I can only respond to your post, I don't see you 24/7 in your own environment) but I am trying to show that there may be another side to this.

You want life to be fun - well, IMO it can't be fun all the time. There may be fun times along the way but you're not 10 anymore. Life gets more complicated and fun is not the theme of the day any more.

I do my share in the house and with the kids. Why the snap question?

Because so many men say they do but in reality they do 10% - 30% and leave the missus to do the rest.

Life in the main should be fun. If in the long run it is not you should do something about it. That is what I'm trying to do.

I don't agree. Life should be fulfilling and enjoyable and meaningful but it shouldn't be fun all the time. What is your definition of fun? However, if life is absolutely miserable for you then of course you should do something to address it.

Are words in capitals = to shouting?

No, I used them to emphasise some words that you used, to show them back to you.

Wombatman, I think you are blaming all this on your partner (again ascertained from your posts). See the problem as something you both have to work on. Faults in a relationship are never one sided - there is always an antagonist. Don't trivialise her moods. Do stand up to her if you have to and tell her that it is unacceptable that she takes things out on you and the children. It is unfair to have to live in that environment.

But also tell her that the both of you will have to go to counselling to learn how to deal with these situations. I think that you need to learn how to behave in these scenarios as well.

Also, what is your partner's diet like? I have found that PMT can almost disappear if you eat a very healthy diet full of protein, nuts, seeds, good carbs and very little processed foods and refined sugar. The turnaround in my wellbeing in a month was amazing and since sticking to it (more or less) I have noticed very little symptoms of PMT. Maybe this is something you could take the initiative on and introduce a new diet into the house. Of course that would mean you would have to start cooking in the evenings and treat her to dinner.

axer

Wombatman wrote: »

Counselling has been suggested but I'm against it as I feel the problem is a very simple one.

Are you a psychologist? To dismiss counselling so simply indicates to me that maybe you are not the most reasonable person. There are a vast range of phsycological and medical reasons that can cause mood change - it may not just be PMS i.e. PMS could be just exasperating an underlying phsycological or medical condition.

Do you not think it could be relevant that this has been happening for the past 2.5 years and not the whole 8? Is there anything you can think of that changed 2.5+ years ago?

Seraphina

Wombatman wrote: »

I've been with my partner for 8 years. We have two children 4 and 2.

Wombatman wrote: »

Putting it simply I feel I can't put up with the prevailing pattern over 2.5 years of: PMS = Sh1% Storm = Misery for all for a week or so.

do you think she could be suffering from post natal depression after the second child? its quite possible this, along with a combination of stress, PMS and the fact that her body still probably hasn't quite settled down again after the second child could be extremely hard on her.

i definitely think you two should consider counselling together. dismissing it as 'just PMS' and a simple problem she should be able to just 'get over' are probably making her feel like she's making a big deal out of nothing. hence, she tries to hide it or ignore it, which only excaberates the problem.

you need to try and be more understanding. i know alot of women play up the PMS thing, but that doesn't mean hormones can't have a horrendous effect on your body, especially after kids.