How do you let go of an ex?

Cathmandooo

Me and my boyfriend broke up 3 years ago after going out for a year and a half, it was both our biggest relationships to date. We're 24 now. We stayed friends after we broke up, it was amicable enough, but we slept together a few times after we split (BIG mistake!) but we still managed to stay friends. We both got a bit jealous (natually) when we were going out with other people but I feel I treated him a lot better and still gave him my time when I was with someone, now he's with someone and I'm being ignored. I actually wasnt jealous of this girl that he's with cos I've really moved on now but I havent appreciated 'im busy cant talk now, can i talk to you later' crap! So I tell him I'm not happy and that we've given our friendship a try and it hasnt worked out so I'm calling it a day. Then he breaks down saying I'm his best friend and that he still loves me and will do anything not to lose me and wont neglect me as a friend, so I say ok we can stay friends. We're grand for a couple of weeks and then he goes back to ignoring me. So this time I was ruthless and cut him off and he's playing the same card again with begging me not to end our friendship. I find it so hard to say no to him when he's like that so does anyone know what he's really playing at? and should I just ignore the whining that he's doing and forget him (cos that's what I'd tell anyone to do if they were in my situation).

Doctor DooM

He's acting the gimp and trying to powerplay. Cut him off.

geuro

should I just ignore the whining that he's doing and forget him (cos that's what I'd tell anyone to do if they were in my situation)

take your own good advice..

How Strange

Cathooo.... I havent appreciated 'im busy cant talk now, can i talk to you later' crap! So I tell him I'm not happy and that we've given our friendship a try and it hasnt worked out so I'm calling it a day. Then he breaks down saying I'm his best friend and that he still loves me and will do anything not to lose me and wont neglect me as a friend, so I say ok we can stay friends.

I'd say there is a weird dynamic at play in your friendship relationship and its not necessarily healthy. Why do you feel the need to make a declaration of cutting all ties? Why don't you just not keep in contact with him?

I presume his breaking down thing is a regular response to your declaration of ending the friendship?

It seems that you hold the power in the friendship and when he is moving on with his life then you call a halt which sends him into panic. It seems to me that you may be slightly manipulative even on a subconscious level. It's very natural for someone not to have time to spend with old friends when they are in a new relationship and the old friends should have some understanding for that but to say 'thats it, I don't want to be your friend any more' seems more than a little calculating. Of course he is going to say he doesn't want that to happen. And then you have him where you want him for another while - under your thumb.

So this time I was ruthless and cut him off and he's playing the same card again with begging me not to end our friendship. I find it so hard to say no to him when he's like that so does anyone know what he's really playing at? and should I just ignore the whining that he's doing and forget him

IMO, you are looking at this as if you are a victim but from your post I see that you are the stronger one and when things aren't going your way, namely that your ex is showing more of an interest in a current gf than you then you are 'ruthless'.

How do you mean you cut him off? How did you do that? Was it literally during a conversation?

And if he is a friend why do you regard his pleas to remain friends as 'whining'.

OP, you should leave the lad alone and let him get on with his life. You don't appreciate him moving on with his life and not always having time for you, you don't like when he plays the 'breaking down card' and you don't like his 'whining' so you should just move on.

Cathmandooo

You're both right, its just easier said than done, but I'm doing well so far, spoken once in a week and a half and that was him realising I had deleted him off bebo and such things!!

Cathmandooo

How Strange wrote: »

I'd say there is a weird dynamic at play in your friendship relationship and its not necessarily healthy. Why do you feel the need to make a declaration of cutting all ties? Why don't you just not keep in contact with him?

I presume his breaking down thing is a regular response to your declaration of ending the friendship?

It seems that you hold the power in the friendship and when he is moving on with his life then you call a halt which sends him into panic. It seems to me that you may be slightly manipulative even on a subconscious level. It's very natural for someone not to have time to spend with old friends when they are in a new relationship and the old friends should have some understanding for that but to say 'thats it, I don't want to be your friend any more' seems more than a little calculating. Of course he is going to say he doesn't want that to happen. And then you have him where you want him for another while - under your thumb.



IMO, you are looking at this as if you are a victim but from your post I see that you are the stronger one and when things aren't going your way, namely that your ex is showing more of an interest in a current gf than you then you are 'ruthless'.

How do you mean you cut him off? How did you do that? Was it literally during a conversation?

And if he is a friend why do you regard his pleas to remain friends as 'whining'.

OP, you should leave the lad alone and let him get on with his life. You don't appreciate him moving on with his life and not always having time for you, you don't like when he plays the 'breaking down card' and you don't like his 'whining' so you should just move on.

I had to tell him I dont want to be friends anymore cos I dont want him to speak to me but I do see what you mean, it sounds like a childish thing to do but it wasnt to just get a reaction. If I didnt tell him he'd suddenly come to me with a problem and expect me to help him through it but if I had a problem he wouldnt give me the time.

I completely agree that it's natural to move on and not have as much time for old friends, I have my friends who i adore, he doesnt and never has been able to hold on to friendships and has always said he wanted us to be friends. If he wanted to naturally move on then he shouldnt have given me so much hassle when I was with someone even though I never ignored him like hes been doing to me and he shouldnt have insisted on us seeing each other so much when he's prepared to just drop me like that when a gf comes along. If they broke up tomorrow he'd be right back to texting me everyday and asking me to meet up all the time. I cant just pick up and drop friendships like that, I give all my friends all the time I can.

Thanks for your comments though, i do hope I'm not manipulative, I didnt want the post to be a huge essay so I've left loads out, it was just the gist of the situation now. I have always been prepared for us to go our seperate ways and move on, I just wish he'd see it that way cos he's made it very hard and makes me feel like a complete bitch by losing touch.

How Strange

Cathooo, I've never been friends with exes because to me its a contradiction in terms. How can you be friends with someone that you used to know intimately? How can the new (relegated) status of friend work after that?

IMO, it is always messy and dirty. I've seen even the nicest of people act lousy towards these types of friends. I've listened to friends go on and on about what he did this time, that time and the other time but they still go back for more and act just as badly towards them. From what I can see it's a guaranteed head wreck.

Maybe I got it all wrong from your post and if I did then just phase him out gradually. Don't make a big statement out of it but let the amount of time between each call or text get a bit longer to the point that you realise after a few months that you haven't spoken in ages.

Cathmandooo

You're right it is a complete headwreck, and when you were in love it just never works. I hope we can just phase out of it now. I'm no angel and do hate being mean to him and hate fighting and he feels the same. I think 3 years of trying to be friends is enough! Thanks for the advice, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else

Spoony2

i think it's ok to have an X back in your life after you've lost all emotional tie's, Inm very good friends with my first over 20s girlfriend but thast it we go for the ocsional coffee and talk but that is it....


Sh knows who what women i have interest's in and we talk about everything soem times she just wants my opinion on pproblem and i have no problems talking to here baout it. i think the most important thing if you do want to remain friends with an x is say soemthing like i want to be your firend but before that can happen i have to shed all emotionall bonds with you which will take some time. but when it does il get in contact with you which is much how my x and my self did it.

i think it is truely possible...

Wibbs

How to let go of an ex? Let them go. You haven't and nothing will change until you do. Do yourself and them a fovour, think of them and let them live their life without you. You made the decision to leave them so leave them. No "friends" or any of that nonsense. It doesn't work and the more passion involved in the first place the less it'll work. This back and forth stuff is not how friends act anyway.