Clingy girlfriend..

sobriety

I love my girlfriend very much and we get on amazing together, there is no doubt about that. we have lovely times together and work really well as a team.

The only problem is that she doesnt like being alone... at all. I play music in a band sometimes, and if I need to go away and tour for more that one night at a time, that is a problem for her. She says she gets very lonely and hates us being apart. She likes to be in contact a lot if we're apart. She gets very clingy. Me on the other hand, I'm not like that at all. I've very independant and quite happy and confident doing things, and being on my own. And this is where we differ...

I love being with her, and I enjoy every waking (and sleeping) moment I have with her and treasure our times togther. But I also don't really mind us being apart and I feel it gives us a little space and to be brutally honest, I'm never feeling lonely or upset about being away for a few days. To me it's no big deal.

If I fly somewhere for a week, for example, and then she comes over after that on her own to be with me, that is a problem for her. She doesn't like flying somewhere on her own (especially if it's more than 3 or 4 hours flight) it even got to the stage she would prefer to have a flight companion cos she hates travelling alone..

I really *do not understand* this mentality, and it could become a serious problem for me cos the more I think about it, the more it seems silly and, imo, should not be a problem at all. I wish she could just be happy, independant on her own, and not feel lonely when I'm gone.

NOTE: On one hand, she has said that she supports me doing what I need to do, and loves me and supports me through anything I want to do, But on the other hand she lets me know, in no uncertain terms, that she is not happy being on her own in the house, or being on her own for a whole weekend, and is not feeling very happy in that situation. PROBLEM is that I want her to feel happy and secure all the time, and if she doesn't, it makes me feel bad in the relationship... so do I just confine myself to staying with her all the time and sacrifice my music or my travels? IMO this shouldn't even be a problem... oh well.

alienhead

i don't think you're doing anything wrong.

does she not have any friends?

your're girlfriend has some issues, maybe she needs to talk to a pro?

sobriety

She has already gotten a lot of help for anxiety and confidence building, and it has really helped her.

Maybe I'm making it sound worse than it is; I mean, yes of course she has friends. She's a really nice person and is very popular at work, but when it comes to close friends - well, she doesn't let that many people get very close. So she has tons and tons of really good friends but they are not quite close enough to call on, or call over to, etc. I guess as we get older it's harder to make friends like that (for some people anyway, especially people who have self-protective mechanisms, or a little fear). She's closer to her family than most friends. And to be honest, I'm pretty much the same. I know everybody and people like me a lot, but I rarely have people I call into, or people who come and visit me. Both of us have been burned by friends in the past I suppose so we just float around..

But she has two best friends who she is very close to, only that one girl has moved to the other side of the country so she doesn't see her much anymore. And the other is in England. and they both have kids!!

We are both 26 years old btw.

Sometimes she jokingly calls herself a "clingon"

Doctor DooM

Seriously your gf's problem, not yours.

She is going to have to learn to deal with being alone. Everyone is at some point.

Further more, I think its kind of nasty for her to be making you feel guilty for engaging in your other love (music).

At age 26 I would say this is a sign of a deeper rooted problem. I had a gf who was similar when I was younger, but she grew out of it at 19.

sobriety

That's the thing, she doesn't explicitly tell me that she's not happy with me going off doing other stuff, but I know that she finds it difficult sometimes. I believe that she does actually want me to go and do my own thing, and she fully supports me in music or whatever else I do, but at the same time I sometimes sense that this takes a lot of effort in her part (to keep it together and to be happy with all that) and sometimes... perhaps she would be a lot happier to have me all to herself...

example; if I'm playing gigs, or am involved in theatre, I will often ask her to come along. And she does it, but if she has to go on her own then sometimes it's obvious that that is difficult for her. But I know she is trying her best for me. She often asks for friends to go as well, and then she's ok. But sometimes she really doesn't like going alone and it's a big effort for her to do it, and in time [I think] she'll just get sick of it... sometimes I wonder if she will ask me to jack it in, say if we have kids, etc.?

Regarding going away, she doesn't mind one or two nights, but if I'm gone for longer, it is an issue and she start to really miss me by her side...

I know she loves me like crazy, but sometimes love has an element of attachment / dependence I think...

Deadevil129

She sounds a little lonely to be honest. Some people were brought up with people around them the whole time. I have a friend who cannot spend time on her own, if she does she gets very lonely and depressed. She's constantly with her boyfriend or another friend or a member of her family, it's just what she's been used to so being by herself can be a little jarring for her. I on the other hand, am an only child so keeping myself occupied when i'm alone more or less comes as second nature. That said there are plenty of times when thing's aren't going great that I'll want consistant company. One thing that certainly helps me is if my boyfriend helps me to make plans for the evening. For example, if i know he's going out, or he'll be away for the night, he'll spend a while on the phone to me beforehand throwing out ideas of stuff I can do by myself. Stuff I wouldn't get the time to do normally like have a bath to relax, order pizza and just watch a film. Hardly the most exciting night ever but it keeps me occupied and happy.

You're right in saying that it shouldn't be a problem but some people just need a push in the right direction from time to time. Make sure she knows you're thinking of her and you want her to feel happy and secure. A little encouragement can go a long way.

sobriety

Thanks Deadevil.. so you mean to push her in the direction of learning to occupy herself? Or to just encourage her by saying she needs to be happy alone?

IrishMike

Been down this road allready mate.
Its a bitch of a bitch at the start to say the least.
I am a very independant person, my girlfriend is anything but.
Got to the stage where we were spending 6 nights a week together and my other have
basically just given up on ringing me to do stuff as i never had the time.
She couldnt understand how if i had no plans why i wouldnt want to spend the time with
her, the idea of a bit of space was very alien to her
Anyway to cut a long story short i bit the bullet and told her.
After a lot of tears because she thought i didnt want to spend time with her etc etc she
has actually become a lot more independant.
She now arranges to meet friends without a friendly push from me and even goes clubbing without me ( not an issue in the slightest with me, not my scene at all)
Anyway best advice i could give is to say exactly how u feel. I tried being subtle and it
only looks as if u dont want to spend time with her.

LegacyUser

Hey Sobriety and guys....

I am dealing with the same thing, it sounds so similar to my situation that it is scary. She just cannot be alone. She gets very upset and she doesn't eat or she eats all junk food. She makes me feel guilty for things I do without her and my friends feel that they are forcing me to go out with them because I never have much free time. When I go out for a drink with a friend she really, really wants to go and usually I cave in and let her.

I feel your pain and I hope we can all find a solution for this. There has to be some reason why they do this and maybe thats what we should focus on finding out and fixing. Anyone else have any ideas?

sjaakie

you and her sound like a nice loving couple, she sounds very nice, its just that one ( big ) problem she has.
the thing is: it has to do with love towards you but it could turn into to much clingynes from her side.
its a fine line that hopefully will not be crossed by the both of you.

she really has to deal with it, or give up her job and become your full time roadie or something along those lines.

gl.

Miss Fluff

You have to work at any relationship, friendships included. Is she is popular at work and has "friends", why can't she spend some time with them like going for dinner or drinks after work? You can't give in to her, she will drive you round the bend and then just drive you apart, you need to encourage her and give her the confidence to be a bit more independent. You sound like you are a good BF so maybe just give her some gentle nudges in the right direction.

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to be honest with her about how you feel. Try not to do it in a blaming way "You make me feel..." and try more of a "I feel that you don't like me going away & I feel guilty.." sort of way.

It's not fair to use emotional blackmail to try & control anyone else's life. Tears or sadness, even an obviously contrived smile with badly hidden sadness is done - intentionally or not - are methods of control. If someone loves you, they want you to be happy. They want you to do what makes you happy. They don't want you to stop doing something you love so you can spend more time with them. They may wish you spent less time doing X but she should have enough going on in her own life & sufficient self confidence to have her own life outside your relationship or she'll end up stifling you & your relationship. Hope you work things out.

Beruthiel

sobriety wrote: »

But on the other hand she lets me know, in no uncertain terms, that she is not happy being on her own in the house

Then she needs to deal with that herself, she's a grown woman and if you were not her b/f she would either live with that like the rest of us, or find someone to stay the night when you're not there.

being on her own for a whole weekend, and is not feeling very happy in that situation.

Then she should go see family/friends or find something to do. If she is forever making you feel badly about this, thats passive agressive behaviour and a very underhanded way of getting what you want.

so do I just confine myself to staying with her all the time and sacrifice my music or my travels?

That would be the absolute worst thing you could do and it would be the eventual death of your relationship. This is because you love what you do and if you had to give it up for her you would end up blaming her for it and getting more resentful as time goes on.
Secondly, you would be pandering to her unhealthy need to have you there 24/7, not a good thing and you would both get fed up with that quick enough. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and become independent of you. This is as much for her own sake as it is for you.