I cheated...

LegacyUser

Does what it says on the tin really. I was out one night and got ridiculously drunk (highly unusual for me) and ended up with a girl.

I love my girlfriend dearly, I feel physically sick when I think about what I've done. I can't tell her, she'd never forgive me plus no good would come of it. I don't want to hurt her.


I'm so scared that she'll find out though. I feel such guilt, I've never done anything like this before. Will time make is easier? What should I do?

helios

Although I may cause a flurry by saying this, it will get better with time, so I wouldn't do anything about it. Next time you're put in the same position, remember how sick you felt after doing it this time, and it will be a good way to keep you from doing it again...

It happens to the best of us, but the important thing is you now know what it feels like...

nialo

Come clean.. lay the cards on the table and take whatever she does. You cheated. You feel guilty. She ever does find out your ****ed. Be a man about it and own up.

Aura

We do all make mistakes you know but hiding from it does you no favours and certainy doesn't show your girlfriend much respect. I personally don't think you can hide something like this. It'll just eat you up inside as it is now. Couples have come through this before. Obviously there are those that haven't either but at least you wouldn't be living a lie. It's very personal decision though.

Best of luck.

A.

projectmayhem

time might heal alright, but what if someone saw you and tells her? not only did you cheat, but you were dishonest and kept it from her.

one of the things that keeps a relationship good is honesty. be honest with your partner... but don't expect a hug afterwards...

prendy

is there any way she can possibly find out?
if not then forget about it and move on your obviously sorry and not regularly cheating..whats the point in causing more grief to you and her!

nialo

prendy wrote: »

whats the point in causing more grief to you and her!

Honesty is the point. and trust. :rolleyes:

dollydrops

If it really was a mistake then don't tell her it'll ruin your relationship and probably break her heart. But if you have been acting weird around her she has probably already knows something is up. I reckon it will get better as time goes on. But if you have any doubts that you will do it again you are better to finish with her now and don't string her along it wouldn't be fair in the long run.
You sound as if you know you have made a hugh mistake and that you really love your gf so try and forget about the 'incident' and bring your gf out for a romantic meal and treat her like a queen!

bugler

Don't tell her. You will hurt her, and to what end? Deal with your guilt, leave her to be happy.

6th

Did you have sex with someone of just kiss grope? Either way dont share the pain and dont do it again.

meglome

I think you've got to be pragmatic at times like this. You seem to be genuinely and truly sorry for what you did so I'm not sure there's anything to be gained by telling. Personally I always like to be completely honest but if you really do feel that bad about it then don't tell her and don’t do it again.

vandermeyde

meglome wrote: »

I think you've got to be pragmatic at times like this. You seem to be genuinely and truly sorry for what you did so I'm not sure there's anything to be gained by telling. Personally I always like to be completely honest but if you really do feel that bad about it then don't tell her and don’t do it again.

+1.

Assuming its just a drunken kiss in a nightclub style incident...learn your lesson and move on...

If it was something sexual, that's a different ball-game.

Pighead

nialo wrote: »

Come clean.. lay the cards on the table and take whatever she does. You cheated. You feel guilty. She ever does find out your ****ed. Be a man about it and own up.

Bollox to that.The lads obviously very remorseful and Pighead gets the feeling it'll never happen again. It was a once off silly mistake. Telling her that he's strayed will almost definitely finish the relationship off and it'll make the poor girl weep uncontrollably. Thats no good for anybody

Pigheads guessing its unlikely she's gonna find out(you didn't bang her best mate or anything did ya?) so lets let sleeping dogs lie and carry on as if nothing happened. Just don't do it again ya big eejit. Respect.

Well Im gonna break the mould of "Tell her, its the right thing to do" and say...........dont tell her.


U will ruin her and the relationship will never be the same. However if u think this may ever happen again then do both of you guys a favour and dump her. Also if theres the slightest chance she would find out then tell her.


Otherwise YOU deal with the burden of it and let her be blisfully unaware but happy cos she deserves that.




I dont necessarily agree with the advice Im givin you, im just giving you something else to think about.

LegacyUser

Nobody saw us and I highly doubt that it'll come out but I am being paranoid about it. I haven't acted strange around her, I actually forget about it when I'm with her, the only time that happens.

There was some kissing , then sex but I stopped almost immediately knowing it was wrong. It was one of the only parts of the night I remember, I sobered up fast. I feel a lot of remorse and don't want to hurt her with something which I regret so much.

Otherwise YOU deal with the burden of it and let her be blisfully unaware but happy cos she deserves that.

That's my thoughts exactly.

Oryx

You made a mistake. It happens. Forgive yourself and learn from it. I cant see anything being gained from telling her, and deal with the issue of her finding out only if it happens. Otherwise try and put it behind you.

Mr. Presentable

If you are absolutely sure you cannot be found out, then keep schtum. Otherwise you gotta swallow the frog.

WindSock

No point in telling her, you're probably going to break up soon anyway.

6th

Why would they break up if he doesnt tell her?

LegacyUser

i went to the christmas party last year hoping to chat up a woman i know (to see) at work (about 40miles from home)

she wasn't out, so i was trying to catch her in the pub near work some evening, but still no sign of her


where did i meet her but at the wifes aunty's funeral, turns out they went to school together

ruskin

So what if you cheated? People do it all the time

AARRRGH

Telling her would be extremely selfish (you're only doing it because you feel guilty.)

You screwed up, you won't do it again. Move on.

MagicMarker

Maybe your girlfriend likes to put it around here and there but doesn't tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you.

How would that make you feel?

Ninja_scrotum

Don't tell her. You would do more harm than good. Try and switch roles for a second. What if she told you that she screwed some guy she met in a nightclub a week or two ago? I know i'd freak out. Think for a second...

And the "i was drunk" excuse is kind of lame because you seem to be able to remember the night clearly.....

Anyways... soon enough into the future you'll forget about it and you wont feel like you really cheated on her, it will just seem like one of your past flings. You'll get the feeling that it could have been any time in the past, you know?

I did something kind of like that before... the thought of it used to make me sick. But now, it's just in the basement of my memory, staying put, UNTIL I READ YOUR THREAD!!! haha

Spend some good cheesy quality time with your girl some night and good luck to ya.

randylonghorn

stupid_scared wrote: »

I feel such guilt, I've never done anything like this before. Will time make is easier? What should I do?

There are those who will tell you to be honest regardless.

There are those who will argue that telling her is simply a release for your own guilty feelings, that it will hurt her immensely, and that it would be the selfish thing to do.

I can see both sides of that argument, and having never being in that position, I can't honestly tell you what I would do. (That's not making myself out to be any kind of saint, btw, far from it in fact ... I've just never been THAT drunk or stupid!)

The one thing I would say to you is that you have no right to decide on what to do on the basis of what is "easier" for you. You got yourself into this mess, deal with it.

Your primary concern right now should be what is best for your girlfriend / the relationship.

LegacyUser

Listen, just deal with the guilt and never ever tell her. Ever. Ever. Deny it until you die. You did not cheat. Do not tell anyone what you did. Don't tell any of your friends. Do not tell your dying mother, do not tell your best friend, tell nobody. Do not tell anyone anyone anyone. EVER. In fact, do yourself a favour and start convincing yourself you didn't cheat and you never will. You need to start lying to your own conscience. Never admit it. Never tell anyone. The skank you got involved with will never be around again. So forget it. Never ever tell anyone.

LegacyUser

TBH...the guilt will fade...but it WILL be a lesson to you OP. Just treat the guilt as a sorta punishment. Let time take its course and make sure you never have contact with the person again

nervous_twitch

boreds wrote: »

No point in telling her, you're probably going to break up soon anyway.

Agreed.

She deserves to know, despite how much it may hurt her. Just as you would, if she had done the same. Yup, the relationship might end; but I think the threat is just as great with a skeleton like this in your closet.

LegacyUser

When you put it about, regardless of state of mind, even as a one night show, you immediately loose the power of choice.

It's not a matter of should I, or shouldn't I tell her.
Assuming like most relationships fidelity is an important factor, then being unfaithful, and temporarily sticking it in someone else takes away your power of choice.

It then transfers to the partner who must make the choice whether he/she wants to be with the one who has been unfaithful.

Sorry, but if it were me, I'd rather decide if I wanted to be with you or not and take the hit after something like that.
For every action there is a reaction. "Burden of guilt" talk about putting a spin on self justification of not telling the bird. It's gas.

AARRRGH

nervous_twitch wrote: »

Agreed.

She deserves to know, despite how much it may hurt her. e r

Really?

Maybe she is delightfully happy now, and will remain delightfully happy if he keeps his mouth shut.

Maybe her next boyfriend will be a wanker. Who knows.

The only thing we know for certain is if the OP keeps his mouth shut she will stay the way she is now. Talking will 100% cause pain. Keeping his mouth shut will 100% cause less pain (I'm assuming he hasn't caught some kind of fatal disease.)

Keep your mouth shut.

Manic Moran

If it's a vote, I go with 'say nothing.'

For all the talk of honesty, pragmatism should win out. How will telling her make your relationship any better? At best, you end up as you are now. At worst, you devastate her. I see no benefit to the honest approach in this situation, presuming that you are indeed honest about your general feelings of remorse and guilt.

NTM

Zillah

Ugh, all these people saying she deserves to know, or that honesty is the most important thing. Screw that! Happiness is the most important thing. Feeling loved and cherished is the most important thing.

If you are 100% sure she can't find out (not to mention 100% sure you didn't catch anything from this randomer), say absolutely nothing, swallow your guilt and move on.

If my girlfriend got stupidly drunk and slept with some randomer, and totally regretted doing it, and only did it because she was ridiculously drunk...then no, I do not want to know, I want to keep on having a relationship with my loyal and wonderful girlfriend.

axer

stupid_scared wrote: »

There was some kissing , then sex but I stopped almost immediately knowing it was wrong. It was one of the only parts of the night I remember, I sobered up fast.

You couldn't have been that drunk then so please don't use alcohol as an excuse.

stupid_scared wrote:

That's my thoughts exactly.

Lol, you think by you not telling your girlfriend that you are actually taking the burden? Well good man - you are some boyfriend.:rolleyes: It is easier for you to not tell your girlfriend not the other way around as by not telling her you do not have to deal with the mess.

It is more respectful to your girlfriend if you either break up with her and not tell her (ask yourself why did you cheat - it wasn't the alcohol that cheated) or show her some respect by telling her and letting her decide.

Which will you choose easier on yourself or respect for your girlfriend?

Scottty2Hottty

There's kinda two ways of lookig at it.
1) You dont tell her, keep going the way your going and things will get easier with time. But maybe she has cheated before too and isn't telling you for the very same reasons.
2) Tell her everything and see how it goes, this way you can be sure there is no secrets between ye, but things might never be the same again.

King of Kings

i'd say to say nothing.
if it was a once off indiscretion then so be it swallow the guilt.
if it happens again they out of respect for her end it.

also try an avoid situation where it's difficult for you like excessive alcohol and being on your tod with other girl who is getting to get it on.
it doesn't sound like much fun (it's not) but that's the price you must pay to keep your relationship on track

RealJohn

I would say that cheating on her is a symptom of a problem in the relationship, whether you realise it or not.

Same thing happened to me a few years ago. Couldn't face her with the guilt so I had to tell her (maybe selfish but I believe in honesty). We were never really the same afterwards and we broke up about a year later. I don't regret it. Since breaking up, I've realised how wrong she was for me, something I genuinely couldn't see at all while we were together (though it was obvious to everyone else).

Just like you, I felt sick afterwards. I never did it again (with her or anyone else) and I don't see it happening again. If you don't tell her though, you might always feel guilty about it and feel like you have to make it up to her and that will affect your relationship. You can't take it back. You won't do it again but you will hold it against yourself on her behalf until you come clean.

She might break up with you over it. It's a risk I think you should take. Some people wouldn't agree with me. It's up to you to make your own mind up.

chump

dublindude wrote: »

Telling her would be extremely selfish (you're only doing it because you feel guilty.)

You screwed up, you won't do it again. Move on.

Agree with this advice.

If it comes out in the wash it comes out in the wash.

Sheriff Lobo

Not really sure what the story with you two is relationship wise, your plans etc but here goes:

I don't really buy the whole ''I was so drunk'' excuse. You obviously wanted it to happen deep down, but maybe you didn't mean for it to happen if you get me!!

Anyway don't tell her unless you think you're going to end up with this one (there shouldn't be issues like this between people getting married but anyway). And if it does come to that between you then maybe you should tell her before you get married, I know you'd be risking a lot but otherwise you're living a lie.

And that's my two cents!

aidan24326

If you honestly do love her, and see a future for the two of you, then there is nothing to be gained for anyone by telling her. Forget about it, vow to yourself that it will never happen again.(and mean that)
Next time temptation is there remember how you felt this time and tell yourself I'm not going down that road again. For now keep your mouth shut and forget about it, and your 'guilt' is merely a case of feeling sorry for yourself. Get over it. Today. Be thankful you will likely remain unscathed on this occasion and be grateful for what you already have with your gf. Let it be a lesson. If something like that happens again then do the decent thing and set her free.

moco

It's best not to tell her, even if she stays with you she'll never look at you in the same way again. It'll eat away at her and will come up in every argument you ever have. Put it to the back of your mind and NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

LegacyUser

yeah you feel guilty but if you were my boyfriend id like to be told so I could dump your ass for sleeping with somebody else. A kiss can be forgiven in my opinion but sleeping with somebody else changes everything.. if you love her as much as you say you do you shouldn't be able to lie to her.. give her the choice, I'm sure you would want her to treat you with some respect if the shoe was on the other foot. Nobody deserves to be betrayed, whether they know it or not!

Schlemm

Tell her. It's only fair and it's better to say it to her now rather than having it in your head for however long.

MzFusspot

DenyItUntilUDie wrote: »

...The skank you got involved with will never be around again.. .

Erm, nothing to do with op but leave the girl he cheated with alone! How is she a skank, she wasn't the one cheating.

Hope it works out for ya op

Caliden

No good will come of it. Just forget about it and pretend it never happened. A white lie is better than the truth in this case.

pretty-in-pink

Hmmm I'm not going to tell you whether you should confess or not. Cheating (esp when sex is involved) is a sympton of a larger problem. Maybe you should try find out what this is and deal with it? No matter what course of action you take, someone is going to get hurt.

Also, most importantly really, are you sure you didn't catch something? You need to get checked out, and when you get the results, go from there. Also you should maybe consider not sleeping with your girlfriend untill you know. She doesn't deserve to catch anything becasue you couldn't keep it in your pants. Once you cheat once, you are *far* more likely to do it again.

Check your health, then check what made you decide to drop trou.

Good luck to your girlfriend, I hope things work out well for her.

LegacyUser

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Hmmm I'm not going to tell you whether you should confess or not. Cheating (esp when sex is involved) is a sympton of a larger problem. Maybe you should try find out what this is and deal with it? No matter what course of action you take, someone is going to get hurt.

Once you cheat once, you are *far* more likely to do it again.

I don't think that is true about it being a bigger problem, sometimes mistakes happen. Not saying it's ok but jesus if your a guy, and you get really drunk and a gorgeous girl gets naked in front of you, it can be hard. Obviously that's not going to happen very often but if it does...

They say that, you just should not put yourself in the situation where you know it MAY happen...for example, if you like a girl and you know your friend has a free house, u really should not go if you know your going to be drinking heavily and that this girl likes you because anything could happen and your not in your right state of mind...you can't sign contracts when your drunk so i don't see how you can be expected not to make mistakes when your drunk too. Not saying it's not an excuse but still...