he is always stoned, has no goals, i am fed up!

LegacyUser

Been with him for five years ...we meet shortly after we both left college .... he has a degree in Architecture... he is a musician, played several musical instruments ...a talented artist... all his life everything has come easy to him .... all my life i have had to work hard ... I have a great career and plans for the future .......When he left college he worked as an Architect for a while, decided it was boring!... then giged with a band they were doing well ... i was happy for him then that broke up ... he then decided he was an Artist... then went back to the Architecture and so on .... last Saturday at five in the afternoon he was stoned out of his mind...The thing is he is happy living like that and in lots of ways he is a wonderful person ... I have tried talking to him he doesnt want to know .... My problem is that if i stay with him i Know i will be carrying the whole show for the rest of my life and even though i love him i am not sure anymore ...so has anyone got any suggestions for me

Beruthiel

He's happy with his life and the way it is, you are not. This means ye are not suited. Do you not think it's time to move on and leave him to it?

Kaldorn

how much does he smoke? all my friends who smoke have jobs bar 1 or 2 if he gets himself into a routine where he only smokes in the evening he should be grand.
if you end up supporting him financialy i would drop him tho,tell him how important it is to you,dont say give up or get out cause he will get out i am sure

seamus

Unregals wrote: »

The thing is he is happy living like that

As Beruthial points out, what you consider to be a happy life and what he considers to be a happy life are clearly totally different.

If he's happy, how can that be wrong for him? You're interested in making a career (presumably with the responsibility that goes with it), whereas he's more interested in working on art and music, not necessarily climbing the corporate ladder.

That doesn't make either of you right, just possibly incompatible. In my mind, it's OK to "carry" someone else, provided that they're not expecting you to do it. If someone is working hard at what they love, even if it will never bring huge rewards, then you're either happy to let them do it or you go find someone who you don't have to carry.

Wibbs

Think of the future. Yours and his. Tell him your concerns and see his reaction. If he says he'll change, give him a month and if he doesn't make some progress, I would say walk away TBH. Actions speak louder than words.

meglome

I have to admit I'm not overly endeared to people who smoke a lot of blow. Sometimes it's like watching people in slow motion. I've had friends who stopped and they were like new people, could actually remember things, had get up and go. If you're going to have to do the heavy lifting as he's scratching his arse it's time to move on. (And I'm not talking about money just things in general).

LegacyUser

i know exactly where that chaps at right now. I am currently in college and i spent a good 4/5 years doing that myself in the early days of college - same routine, playing computer games and getting smoked. I soon started to realise that i was missing out on sooooo much by doing what i really enjoyed. When you smoke like your fella does you get into a routine of being really comfy and not wanting to face anything because life is so much easier and easy going if you just sit at home, kettle on, spliff in your hand relaxing.

This will start to wear thin for him. Hes played in a band and gigged, so he is more than likely thinking that hes done loads with himself the last while, and that this 'much deserved' break is something that he needs to do because he wants to do it so bad. It just becomes a horrible cycle.

I myself havnt touched the stuff in a long time, and i do alot more stuff these days than i was doing when i smoked. I go out at any chance i can these days.

One thing i noticed with my relationship was that the thought of staying in and smoking was even more apealing when my GF would be moaning at me trying to get me to get up and do something. That would make me want to do it even more. I can only bet hes the same.

My advice to you is to give it a bit more time, but mention to him that your doing this that the other and he can come along if he wants. If he doesnt come along, so be it, you go and have fun. Why should you miss out because hes too lazy to. Sooner or later he will start thinking to himself that hes missing out on good times and he will come out of his bubble.

If after <insert time frame that only you can choose> you should only then start to consider ending it in my opinion. Having a talk with him about this will only make him angry, and it will feel like your just moaning at him, then he will say what ever just to get you out of his way so he can go back to relaxing - trust me, i know all the tricks.

Live your life, invite him into it, if he continually refuses to be a part of it, then consider telling him hes not a part of it anymore.

Miss Fluff

Beruthiel wrote: »

He's happy with his life and the way it is, you are not. This means ye are not suited. Do you not think it's time to move on and leave him to it?

Big time. He won't change unless he wants to and if he doesn't then time to move on.

UnderPantsMan

So many hairy hippy/musician type people leave college but never let go. Always getting stoned and sitting around with mates, being lazy etc. I know at least three guys like this.

Maybe breaking up with him or even him thinking you're going to break up with him, might be the kick he needs to sort his **** out?

LegacyUser

Sort what out exactly there UnderPantsMan? The house, the dog, and the 2.4 children? He seems to be happy. Should he discard of his happiness and get stuck into the 9-5 grind for a happier more rewarding life, yeah? Beats thinking for himself anyway I guess...

Original Poster, as a few people have said already, ye both clearly have different needs and goals. Maybe you do need someone a bit more money oriented.

AngryBadger

You're both entitled to do what you want, from the sounds of it you're mayeb in your mid-20s? Your bf has every right to spend his days getting stoned if he so chooses. If you're unhappy then you need to let him know, and if he's not willing to change then you need to move on.

Or you can always wait around and see if he changes his ways on his own.

Personally after 5 years I'd go with the former option. But that's just me.

sjaakie

a lot of steriotyping in this tread. to be honest cannabis and its effects are very different person to person. I can identify with your boyfriend at this stage in his life as i had a very similar lifestyle and i still do.
your boy friend sounds like a multitalented individual with a very layed back approach to life and good on him he enjoys life and explores his talents and progresses(got his degree in architecture & didnt get stuck in it). he doesnt get hung up in the expected conventional life traps like most.
this approach to life does work in a lot of cases & people like him have rich spirits. I bet everything he touches turns to gold.
my life progression is pretty similar im 41 now, very successfull career and financially secure on my own bat(hoping to be semi retired by next year) but i still live this lifestyle.
I would advise u to try to understand his approach to life and become his kindred spirit. go on his life journey with him and enjoy!