She Says Ive Changed

LegacyUser

I am with my fiancee for two and a half years- we are not living together though im very keen to- My father died two months ago so ive decided to wait a little longer before asking here to live with me as im stil at home with mam.

She lives in the next town but i work there so i see her everyday and spend the weekends sometimes.

Last night she said she needed to speak to me about something.She said its over- That ive changed and she doesnt like who ive become.She gave me a list of reasons and examples of how ive changed which as follows..

1. when we first got together id do anything for her(true) now if she asked me for something or a favour i have an excuse ready

2.I used to contact her every day- chat to her etc- now she says she doesnt hear from me sometimes for days on end and she has to go looking for me(that did happen recently but i kinda just forgot about her id things to do)

3.When i met her i adored her and i knew i never wanted any other girl ever- But she caught me making plans to meet up with another girl last year- and more recently i snogged 1 of her friends(I was langers and thought it was her)

4.I used to want to see her for as much as i could even for 5 minutes- 2 days ago she was on lunch and called me and turns out we were in the same street sos he asked me to pop over for 5 mins and see me b4 she went bk 2 work- and i said i would then didnt bother meeting her.

After she listed out those things i reliase i have really changed for the worse- I told her i could change back but she says no that she fell outta love for me once i changed- She said shes been noticing these changed develop the past year and she just doesnt love me any more.

I feel so bad- i lost my dad and the woman i adore all in the space of two months

pepper

Ok- so you have changed- so what

tell her to take a chill pill

everyone changes

Mazeire

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

I feel so bad- i lost my dad and the woman i adore all in the space of two months

Man thats rough. I feel for you. Though it does sound like you weren't treating her very well. You'll learn and know better for the next time.

Marksie

Ok picking on specific points isnt going to deal with the overall issue.

You changed yes, in some cases the changes you are not happy with. Ther are some extenuating circumstances.

People do change, fact, relationships change fact.

Relationships and people are not preserved in aspic. They change as life changes.
Being a partnership with someone is about accepting change not expecting it to stay the same as it always was. Not wanting to probe deeply, but wasyour father ill for long. Mine was OP and it does affect how you relate to those around you, as it is a nagging worry. its just a point of clarification as it may have significant bearing on the situation

Second point: The attentivness, closeness etc. was lost. Did she ever ask you about this even as an aside or was this a surprise?
It can be recaptured given the willingness of both parties to realise whats happened but first one has to communicate with the other and say that things are becomaing unacceptable. Did she ever do this?

If she did then you really should have listened. If she didn't then there was a big communication breakdown.

Thirdly: She has chosen specific point to highlight her argument. She really doesn't want them resolved. Her mind is made up.

Poeple will argue whether she is being unreasonable or not depending on how they view the specific points you have raised or the situation you are in.

My take is now to try and get yourself over this. You may blame yourself you may blame her or both. THis has come on top of the grieving process OP. Give yourself time to breath and center. It is hitting you appalingly hard at a time when dealing with one such event would be bad enough you are dealing with two conflicting and separate events.

Look after number 1 for a while.

Enright

shes right, you have changed! Most couples do, at first its all lovey dovey and after a while you skip into a status quo. The fact that you seem to forget about her for a few days sounds like you are taking her for granted!

Kissing another girl, while sober or drunk is unexcusable

Sorry about your loss, and yes it looks like youve lost your gf as well. Move on, try to learn from your experiences, perhaps ypu both will be better off following the split.

miles teg

She sound lazy imo. You sound like you haven't been a great boyfriend lately but she's not coming out rosy. Sitting back watching someone change "for the worse" to the point that you think a relationship isn't salvageable... do you think she's worth it?

Dave147

This is a really tough one, firstly sorry to hear about your dad. Not sure if thats what caused you to change but I'm inclined to think you started to take her for granted and got lazy. It happens, it may be too late to do something about it but just explain to her that it's all your fault and put yourself at her mercy. If it works, great, and if it doesn't at least you know you tried. Wish you all the best and let us know how it goes.

kaimera

Ah the old 'you've changed' talk.

Take some time for yourself, you'll be fine. If she's already got her mind made up then perhaps she wants to play games with you and try and make you change; if thats the case I personally wouldn't bother.

You know , those times of change usually indicate when you need somebody most. She wasnt there for you. Take it as a blessing in disguise and move on. Look at this as a new start , to find a new you and a new girl.

bolliwoodi

so lets see?

You ignore her for days

You cheat on her

You arrange to see her then dont bother showing up

I actually judge her for not leaving you sooner:mad:

muppetkiller

I have to say based on what you said you deserve what you got..
Taking her for granted is one thing but Cheating on her ? sorry mate but no sympathy here...

a few things though I am confused about is ...you're engaged to a girl yet you live at home ? (a very unusual thing in itself as it's not 1920) ...You were also thinking of asking her to move in wth your Mum and you ? And finally did she ever mention things were shaky before did she ? (or maybe she did and you ignored her)

bolliwoodi

Dre as in Dray wrote:

She wasnt there for you. .

where in the post does the OP state this

How can she try be there for him if hes purposly ignoring her

MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:p

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote:

a few things though I am confused about is ...you're engaged to a girl yet you live at home ? (a very unusual thing in itself as it's not 1920)

i MOVED BACK HOME WHEN DAD GOT SICK

muppetkiller wrote:

...You were also thinking of asking her to move in wth your Mum and you ?

oh no i ment when i move out

muppetkiller wrote:

And finally did she ever mention things were shaky before did she ? (or maybe she did and you ignored her)

she tried to speak to me several times but it was hard when i wasnt talking her calls or messages

LegacyUser

Dre as in Dray wrote:

You know , those times of change usually indicate when you need somebody most. She wasnt there for you. Take it as a blessing in disguise and move on. Look at this as a new start , to find a new you and a new girl.

She was there for me- the week my father died my mother was in hospital for a week from shock- and my gf took the week off work to stay in my house with me and look after me/do my shopping etc

She was there all right, i just never noticed

Marksie

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

i MOVED BACK HOME WHEN DAD GOT SICK

So you were looking after your dad as well?

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

she tried to speak to me several times but it was hard when i wasnt talking her calls or messages

Why weren't you taking her calls or messages?

That was a huge mistake OP absolutely huge. You sidelined her.

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

She was there all right, i just never noticed

Wrapped up in your own grief?

TBH this is the culmination of lots of little things adding up to the breakup.

Proportioning blame is pointless given the whole situation.

Sometimes the best lessons to learn are the hardest and not the most pleasant.
It is something for you to consider when you have moved on from your grief

Mazeire

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

she tried to speak to me several times but it was hard when i wasnt talking her calls or messages

Why not if you dont mind me asking?

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

So you were looking after your dad as well?

i wasnt taking care of him i just wanted to be with him

Marksie wrote:

Why weren't you taking her calls or messages?

That was a huge mistake OP absolutely huge. You sidelined her.

I was busy i forgot about her

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote:

Why not if you dont mind me asking?

kinda just forgot about her id things to do

Mullah

>.I used to contact her every day- chat to her etc- now she says she doesnt hear from me sometimes for days on end and she has to go looking for me(that did happen recently but i kinda just forgot about her id things to do<

>But she caught me making plans to meet up with another girl last year- and more recently i snogged 1 of her friends(I was langers and thought it was her)<

>i said i would then didnt bother meeting her<

>she tried to speak to me several times but it was hard when i wasnt talking her calls or messages<

I'm surprised you are surprised.

That is said with sympathy for the loss of your father, but you cannot conduct yourself as you have done above and not expect a reaction similar to what you received.

I cna only advise that you learn from this.

LegacyUser

miles teg wrote:

She sound lazy imo. You sound like you haven't been a great boyfriend lately but she's not coming out rosy. Sitting back watching someone change "for the worse" to the point that you think a relationship isn't salvageable... do you think she's worth it?

she tried to talk to me about it on severl occasions but i wouldnt listen i was too self involved

Mazeire

Then, with respect, you need to change your name OP. She didn't just leave. It sounds like she tried her best to reach out to you and make things work for a year, she got as much response from you as a brick, to top it all off you cheated on her and she had enough. Wish i could be more sympathetic but it sounds like you have to pay the piper on this one.

NextSteps

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

she tried to speak to me several times but it was hard when i wasnt talking her calls or messages

I'm sorry about your dad.

But it sounds like you don't have time to bother yourself with your girlfriend, or do more than take her for granted. It also sounds like she really tried - trying to talk to you, taking a week off to look after you, trying to make you see the problems.

Maybe chalk it up to experience - and try harder next time!

jubi lee

eh you cheated... thats enough reason to dump you then and there.

She did the right thing. good on her i say.

marco_polo

Mazeire wrote:

Then, with respect, you need to change your name OP. She didn't just leave. It sounds like she tried her best to reach out to you and make things work for a year, she got as much response from you as a brick, to top it all off you cheated on her and she had enough. Wish i could be more sympathetic but it sounds like you have to pay the piper on this one.

+1 TBH OP I think that her mind is most likely not for changing on this and I can fully understand her reasons for ending the relationship. Sometimes we end up pushing people away when we are under great stress.

I appreciate that you have been through a very tough time recently and it is still only a very short time since your father has passed away. Perhaps it would be best now to just take some time out to get everything straightened out and when you are ready to move on, reflect on those things you could have done better and learn from your experiences.

How Strange

OP, it seems to me that your ex put up with a lot over the last year and really reached that point where she couldn't take anymore.

From her perspective (of course I am assuming) - you moved home which would have placed an obvious strain on your relationship, your dad was terminally ill and she supported you, you ignored her calls and messages, you regularly forgot about her, you cheated on her, she took a week off to look after you when your dad died, you continued to ignore her and then stood her up.

Ignoring the tragic situation regarding your father, you displayed all the signs of a relationship that was on the rocks. When a guy ignores you, doesn't phone you, forgets about you, stands you up you can be pretty sure he doesn't give a f*ck anymore.

Perhaps she just wasn't the one for you and your dad's illness kept you together for a while as she wanted to be supportive. As other posters have said, realise your mistakes and learn from them.

Also, I'm sorry about your father. You are going through a tough time but don't start romanticising that you were wrong by your ex. She did what she had to do.

muppetkiller

jubi lee wrote:

eh you cheated... thats enough reason to dump you then and there.

She did the right thing. good on her i say.

+1

biko

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

I feel so bad- i lost my dad and the woman i adore all in the space of two months

Sorry about you da. But tbh it does not sound like you love your gf any more, or you take her for granted which is also bad.

Wibbs

shejustleft wrote:

she tried to talk to me about it on severl occasions but i wouldnt listen i was too self involved

That's the problem and you know that of course. I can see why she left. She helps when your dad died(deepest sympathies BTW) and was generally involved the relationship, but you weren't. It seems for a long time too. If it was just around the time of your dads situation, then fine, but if it was like that before you have absolutely no excuse really.

Even around the hard times saying you were busy or your mind was on other things is never an excuse. She will look at that(as would I TBH) as someone who takes her and her affection completely for granted. No matter how busy you are you can take five minutes out of your day to talk to someone you love. Shít, a text takes even less time. You apparently didn't contact her for days on end FFS. You didn't because you figured she would stick around and forgot about her. I'm shocked she didn't bail earlier. I really am. She also probably felt left out as she would have expected the man who loved her to look to her for emotional support. You didn't. The drunken snog was bad, but not the deal breaker. The planning to meet another woman was really taking the piss on your part, yet she still stuck around and helped you in your hour of need. She's approaching sainthood at this stage. In return for that love and support your indifference and laziness was the dealbreaker. You need to learn to not be so self centered.

She has lost complete trust in you, basically. You know the joke? She probably waited until now to dump you, because she felt bad about your dad. Only going on your description, you have lost a very good one there.

Can you get her back? Possible, but I doubt it. If she left you to go straight into something with someone else it's ironically easier for various human nature reasons, but I suspect she hasn't. She would rather be alone, than be with you, as she felt alone with you anyway.

To get her back you would have to prove to her, by your actions that you have actually realised your fúck up, decided to change because of it and want to give her the attention she and any other human being needs(and this woman isn't exactly an attention seeker by any stretch). That's a bloody tall order. You know how hard it can be to earn someone's trust? Try getting it back after you lost it. A million times harder my friend.

If you truly love this woman(and you're not having a strop because someone took your plaything away) and you really feel she is the one for you and more importantly you're the one that's for her and good for her, then maybe you have a chance. It's a slim one and I suspect your self centered recent nature will likely make this fail, but.....What might work and I emphasise might work, but only if you cop the hell onto yourself, is; give her space, do not pressure her in any way, let her contact you. Be attentive but not pushy. Have patience. Think of HER for a change. Be there for HER if she wants you in her life, but only if she asks.

Bit of good advice, don't tell her you'll change or have changed, she won't believe you as you've probably said it before and didn't follow through and now you're only saying that out of panic and she'll sniff that a million miles away. What she'll hear is "I haven't changed I just want my old life back. I want things my way". That will not work. Same thing with telling her "but I love you". She hears panic again and your recent and longterm actions are telling her the complete opposite anyway. She'll be even more convinced you don't know the meaning of the word. You're being selfish again as you're again saying "I want things my way". Do not tell her all the good times you had or the things you've done for her. She knows this already and she will have balanced all this out in her head and still come back to the decision she made to leave you. Do not buy her flowers or rings or anything like that as again it'll píss her off. Again she'll ask herself why you didn't do all this while she was still with you. Best case scenario? if you said all of this, it might make her feel guilty for leaving you, but that will not bring her back. You bring that shít up and it will just serve to confirm her decision. She's taken a big step by leaving her fiance and she took a lot of crapola from you and a lot of time to come to that conclusion. She will not reverse it overnight.

Wibbs

^^ Jeez I'm long winded. Apologies to all.:D

SarahSassy

SHEJUSTLEFT wrote:

more recently i snogged 1 of her friends(I was langers and thought it was her)

And you have an issue because????

Cop on. You cheated on your fiancee and you wonder why she thinks you have changed. She thinks you have changed cos

a) you have been neglecting her lately and
b) you cheated on her with her friend.....

your loss... she is right.