She wants to put my folks in a home!

LegacyUser

My self and my girlfriend were out the other day when we started talking about the future. I'm in the middle of moving house at the minute and so its a hot topic of conversation. She was telling me all the things she thinks I should be doing and to be honest she was going on a bit and in a funny kind of way I told her I had stopped listening to her a while back. she laughed and kept going. anyway the conversation developed and I started to talk about my mother being sick, not life threteningly so but quite sick all the same. Both my parents are in there mid sixties and aren't that unfit. anyway she told me that I should start considering puttng them in a home. This took me by surprise. I mean its so cliche, the girlfriend who wants to put your folks in a home. I love her and she loves me, we have been together for quite some time and I don't even want to think of being without her. What I want to ask is how do I tell her that that kind of thing is out of bounds. I would never consider saying anything like that to her. I'm by no means perfect and sometimes I think that I could be taking her for granted but some things are to close to the bone. I haven't been able to have a propper conversation with her since.

Help

BobTheBeat

hurtdude wrote:

...I'm by no means perfect and sometimes I think that I could be taking her for granted but some things are to close to the bone....

To be honest, you need to get out of this frame of mind. Its probably the principle reason why you are hesitating from having it out with her. The short answer to this, is to tell her to forget about it and thats its not going to happen. You should come across very strong with her on this and make it known how important an issue it is for you.

Id tell her to fcuk right off tbh.

PeakOutput

did she say "you should consider putting them into a home" or did she say "i want you to put them into a home"

there is a big difference, just because she mentioned it dosnt mean she wants them gone it could just mean that she knows of a few succesful outcomes with people who have put relations into nursing homes

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote:

did she say "you should consider putting them into a home" or did she say "i want you to put them into a home"

there is a big difference, just because she mentioned it dosnt mean she wants them gone it could just mean that she knows of a few succesful outcomes with people who have put relations into nursing homes

She did say "you should think about it" not "I want" However I interuped about 5 times that this would not be a good idea and she kept repeating it. from different angles. her wishes were on open display I would say.

How Strange

hurtdude, I would raise this straightaway if I were you and tell your gf that there is no way you will consider putting your parents into a home. They are mid-60's so they have years of life left to live. I've seen first hand what happens to people in nursing homes and its awful. Of course there are times when you have to make that terrible decision but its usually as a result of an extreme illness.

IMO, your gf is bang out of order. How dare she say something like that to you. They are your parents for f*ck sake. You are right that somethings are off limits and while she should be able to enter a frank and open discussion with you about your family she does not have the right to suggest putting them into a nursing home.

PeakOutput

How Strange wrote:

I've seen first hand what happens to people in nursing homes and its awful. Of course there are times when you have to make that terrible decision but its usually as a result of an extreme illness

that is such a ridicolous wide sweeping statement. it is a tough decision to have to make alright but the act of putting someone into a nursing home is not terrible. it is for their own benefit at the end of the day(or at least it should be).

IMO, your gf is bang out of order. How dare she say something like that to you. They are your parents for f*ck sake. You are right that somethings are off limits and while she should be able to enter a frank and open discussion with you about your family she does not have the right to suggest putting them into a nursing home.

overraction in the extreme she didnt (according the the op) say he should put them into a home she said he should consider putting them into a home as i already this is an entirely different thing.

as long as you pick the right nursing home(usually the expensive ones tbh) then you have nothing to feel ashamed about etc if the time comes that your parents have to move to one if that time is not now fine but i dont think its a big deal your girlfriend suggesting you look into it

muppetkiller

Mid sixties !!!! Bloody hell if my mum and dad read this they'd be mortified.
My parents are just 70 and spend more time during the week heading off all over the country on their free travel lol, Hiking etc.
There's little chance of putting them in a home at this rate for another 15 years ...

Do your parents have a nice place ? Maybe she likes their house and wants it for the two of yee.

How Strange

Originally Posted by How Strange
I've seen first hand what happens to people in nursing homes and its awful. Of course there are times when you have to make that terrible decision but its usually as a result of an extreme illness
PeakOutput Quote:that is such a ridicolous wide sweeping statement.

In my experience, you put someone in a nursing home and they lose their independence and gradually turn into a very old person sitting in the corner waiting for their next meal. Maybe if you have lots of money you can find a country club type place but any nursing home I've seen does not have energetic people in their 60's in it. As I also said, sometimes situations dictate that you must do this because the person is so ill and requires such a high level of care that the family cannot provide it.

Peakoutput, I'd say yours is an under reaction. The OP said that his girlfriend kept pressing the issue even when he voiced objections. They are mid 60's with health problems but sure most people have some sort of ailment requiring medication at that age and it doesn't stop them living full lives.

i dont think its a big deal your girlfriend suggesting you look into it

I do and I wouldn't be too happy about it if my partner was trying to suggest that my parents were so infirmed (at mid 60's) that they should live the last 15-20 years of their lives in a home instead of enjoying themselves.

PeakOutput

How Strange wrote:

The OP said that his girlfriend kept pressing the issue even when he voiced objections. .

thats not what he said, he didnt describe what happened after she said it. your filling in the blanks yourself.

you have no idea what the health state of the parents is. hopefully they are energetic mid 60's but at 70 my grandmother had been in a nursing home for almost 13 years due to alsimers(sp??) so just because you were lucky enough to have parents that were well able to look after themselves till the very late years does not mean that everyone else does and there should be no stigma attached to making the decision of putting a relative into a home if that is what is best for them.

the reason you dont see active pensioners in a home is because a home is not a place for active pensioners it is a place for people who for whatever reason are unable to look after themselves. these people are going to be conducive to not doing alot as they are frail/sick it is not the home that beats the independance / energy out of them they are their (or should be there) because their independance is already gone.

without wanting to quote the sopranos what you sound like you want is a "retirement community" these are different to nursing homes


edit; i do concede that my experience with nursing homes has been with private nursing homes so i assume public ones are not as good

biko

OP, what does your parents want? Really, it should be up to them and not you nor your girlfriend.

If they need extra care that not family can provide then maybe a call-out caretaker would be an option. I think your gf may just want what's best for them.

LegacyUser

I better give some information on my folks.

My mother is being treated for an illness which has left her quite unwell but she is expected to recover. She has the full use of her body but has to take it easy. My father is self employed and still runs his own business. he had his own medical problems which were dealt with by surgery. I am in my early 20s and just starting work on a career.

BoozyBabe

I would say:- you just need to bring it up again:- "you know what you said the other day..."
& just be very straight & firm with her.

Tell her she needs to know & it needs to be clear between you that this will never happen. They are your parents & you will be there for them until the day they die, whether that means them moving in with you or not.
If she has a problem with that, she needs to openly tell you that now.

There's no poing pussy-footing around such a major issue, & it can't be said in a joking sort of way either.
She needs to know who serious you are about this.

I am actually the same as you OP. My parents will never go to a home. They have raised, nurtured & provided for me all my life & still are. The least I can do is repay them for their kindness when they can no longer cope on their own.
I'm from a large family, so it may never come to pass that it's me that'll look after them, but if it's a possibility, I won't hesitate.
Also, my partner is from a small family & unless things change, it will be him left providing for his folks.
Again, if the situation arises, they'll be welcomed into our home with opened arms, afterall, they did give me the best gift of all.

I hate nursing homes. I know they are needed, & in some cases the elderly have no other choice, but so many nowadays throw their loved ones in just cos they couldn't be bothered dealing with their old needy parents.

Imagine how many orphanges we'd need if our parents decided that about us!!

(Sorry, rant over. It's just a subject close to my heart)

Lore

Ask your GF want she would think if you wanted to stash her parents in a nursing home. Maybe she'll seen things from your side then.

axer

BoozyBabe wrote:

I would say:- you just need to bring it up again:- "you know what you said the other day..."
& just be very straight & firm with her.

Tell her she needs to know & it needs to be clear between you that this will never happen. They are your parents & you will be there for them until the day they die, whether that means them moving in with you or not.
If she has a problem with that, she needs to openly tell you that now.

There's no poing pussy-footing around such a major issue, & it can't be said in a joking sort of way either.
She needs to know who serious you are about this.

I am actually the same as you OP. My parents will never go to a home. They have raised, nurtured & provided for me all my life & still are. The least I can do is repay them for their kindness when they can no longer cope on their own.
I'm from a large family, so it may never come to pass that it's me that'll look after them, but if it's a possibility, I won't hesitate.
Also, my partner is from a small family & unless things change, it will be him left providing for his folks.
Again, if the situation arises, they'll be welcomed into our home with opened arms, afterall, they did give me the best gift of all.

I hate nursing homes. I know they are needed, & in some cases the elderly have no other choice, but so many nowadays throw their loved ones in just cos they couldn't be bothered dealing with their old needy parents.

Imagine how many orphanges we'd need if our parents decided that about us!!

(Sorry, rant over. It's just a subject close to my heart)

Spot on. I'm the same.

patrickolee

axer wrote:

Spot on. I'm the same.

Yep, I agree too. Quite a serious issue and definitely one you should sort out with her. If she puts your parents in a home, remind her that it's more likely that she'll end up in there too. Your children will follow her example That might make her more sympathetic!

The Hill Billy

A bit of what Lore said...

Lore wrote:

Ask your GF want she would think if you wanted to stash her parents in a nursing home. Maybe she'll seen things from your side then.

Then a bit of what bobmeaney said...

bobmeaney wrote:

Id tell her to fcuk right off tbh.

OP - Your girlfriend must be very immature if she thinks that people only in their 60's should be packed off to nursing homes. Even more so if she thinks that it is her & your decision to make. Have you told your parents what she has said? I think that they have a right to know what sort of potential daughter-in-law they may have in the years to come.

Speaking of which - this girl is not even your wife yet she thinks that she has the right to dictate whether your parents get to spend their golden years in their own house.

Tell you what - I'd just go with what bobmeaney said.

patrickolee

It does sound pretty ignorant. Maybe she didn't really think about what she was saying, i.e. an off the cuff remark rather than a real suggestion. If you discuss it with her, she might see fairly quickly how silly she was to say something like that. My parents are in their late 70s and there's no way they'd be going into a home! in their 60s is ridiculous

bug

It seems like a really immature ignorant point of view to be honest.
I'm assuming she isn't close to her own parents or that her own parents are quite young.

Either way I think its a questionable attitude for someone to have, and personally I would have told her to get a bit of realism into her selfish little unaware world.

Tell her you'd put her in a home first.

Either way this is an indication of the dizzy little selfish girl you are going out with.

Sorry but that's an awful thing to say to someone.

metaoblivia

It sounds like she was just speaking without really being aware of the situation. Sometimes people's minds shut off when they hear that an older person is sick. Perhaps she doesn't understand that your mother will recover.
And she did say "you should think about" so she's not in my opinion trying to dictate what you should do. She's just not close enough to the situation to understand what the proper course should be, and shouldn't be handing out advice to you on how to handle your family.
I'm not against nursing homes, like some seem to be on this thread (perhaps because I'm in the position of my grandparents, who both suffer from terminal diseases and are in their late 80's, needing to be in a nursing home and refusing to go) it just doesn't sound like the right solution for your family.

TerrorFirmer

Hurtdude wrote:

I better give some information on my folks.

My mother is being treated for an illness which has left her quite unwell but she is expected to recover. She has the full use of her body but has to take it easy. My father is self employed and still runs his own business. he had his own medical problems which were dealt with by surgery. I am in my early 20s and just starting work on a career.

It would be one thing if they were both desperately ill. But at that age, and to, from what you're saying, be in absolutely no need of a home whatsoever, suggesting a home is just a slap in the face. To be honest, I'd be furious, and I fully agree with How Strange on this one. She has some set of balls if she thinks that people in a sound state of mind and good health actually should be put into a home at that age. Or, maybe she's just a bit dim, and thinks she's being caring.

SarahMc

What on earth has it got to do with your girlfiend?

You're parents sound both reasonably fit and independent. If a decision about long term care is ever has to be made, its a decision to be made by you, your siblings and parents.

I agree with bug, she sounds incredibly selfish and stup1d.

the_syco

muppetkiller wrote:

Do your parents have a nice place ? Maybe she likes their house and wants it for the two of yee.

Agrred.

=-=

OP, I'd tell your gf to fvck off. My grandad is in his late 80's, is living in his own home, and drives to church everyday. The way I see it: if the parents can look after themselves, leave them be. I say this as a close family friend of my mom's was put into the hostipal, as she couldn't take care of herself. The place was bleak, and I hated going, as you could nearly see a grim reaper pacing the corridors: the place was allowing people to die in good condition, but not much else.

PeakOutput wrote:

How Strange wrote:

The OP said that his girlfriend kept pressing the issue even when he voiced objections.

thats not what he said, he didnt describe what happened after she said it. your filling in the blanks yourself.

hurtdude wrote:

She did say "you should think about it" not "I want" However I interuped about 5 times that this would not be a good idea and she kept repeating it. from different angles. her wishes were on open display I would say.

Actually, it sounds like she was.

=-=

OP, put the foot down. Also, as a few others have said, what is her family like? She may not be saying this out of cruelty, but it may be what she has witnessed happening to her grandparents, and think that's how things are done.

Latchy

Reminds me of the tv add were the guy tells his mum she is going into a home ........to make room for a snooker table

ag1975

was so angry when i read this i couldn't even read most of the replies. op you should be ashamed of yourself to even entertain your girlfriends attitude. if i were in your shoes i would tell her and the horse she rode in on where to go.. what kind of an eejit are you at all. my father died last year at almost 90 years of age. to think that someone would have the nerve to "suggest" to me when he was 60 that i should "think" about putting him in a home. I'm flabbergasted that you might think its ok for her to suggest that.. jesus christ if they were ill and not able to look after themselves i'd understand ...

PeakOutput

the_syco wrote:

Actually, it sounds like she was.

i completely overlooked his second reply my bad ye it sounds like she was being pushy about it

assuming thats the case you need to lay down the law if it was just an off the cuff remark thats not going to be brought up again then i dont see it as a big deal. if you feel she is going to be bringing it up at regular intervals then you need to put a stop to it

i still think that while it may not apply right now it is something you will have to think about eventually unless (and obviously hopefully this will be the case)your parents are one of the lucky ones who live to close to 100 in as close to perfect health as can be expected(ie no serious diseases /injuries etc)

good luck with everything either way

bostonian

is she hellbent on getting them in a home, or was it just given as a suggestion?