Foreign Relationships/Long term relationships

LegacyUser

Hi, I have an awkward situation and I don't know who to conclusively talk about it to so I'll put it up here and see if anybody has any advice.

My situation is that I was going out with a girl for the last year. She was studying in Ireland, over from America, and we hooked up pretty much at the start of term and went all the way to the end of the College year. I went over to visit her for a month, lived with her folks (we got on great) and had a wonderful time.

I've been back about a month and a bit now and am planning to go over around Christmas time and possibly go skiing with her family. We talk every-single day bar none and although the long distance thing is killing us it hasn't been too bad(Well as good as it can be I suppose).

Problem occurs when we start talking about what the year if going to be like apart. I'm planning to move over for the summer and work and then she'll come back with me. She's possessing her Irish citizenship. We were discussing the problems of not seeing each other for the next couple of months until Christmas and then to about June. She asked me how I felt about hooking up with other people during the year….

This is really hard for me to explain because I love her and visa-versa and I know I would have a more enjoyable year if I could just relax and enjoy myself fully when I was out but the thought, and I know its hypocritical - but natural, of her doing/ being with another guy makes my stomach turn. Its turning right now, thinking about it. I just think it will have a negative affect on our relationship. She was saying she has emotional needs as well as physical needs etc. I want to ascent, because I think maybe in the long run she’s right, but I feel I can’t stand by and be a part of allowing other guys to be with her.

I was wondering does anybody have any experience or advice. I love her and I just feel that if this happens its something that I won't really be able to get over if I know she's been with other guys.

Thanks in advance!!!

dudara

Well, dating is a very American thing, and we in Ireland don't fully get it. We view things in much more monogamous terms.

TBH though, I wouldn't be a fan of her dating other people while waiting for you.

North&South

I agree with Dudara - except I'd say that if you both feel strongly about each other, then neither one of you should go down those roads.

It's ok to have friends & to go out with friends - just not on a 'dating' basis.
If you are wrapped up in one person, then going out with someone else on a one to one level is the last thing on your mind anyway, in my experience.

Try & focus on the positive side of your relationship - worrying about too many negative issues especially when you are so far apart will eventually kill the relationship off, & I'm sure you don't want that.

LegacyUser

If she wants to see other guys then -> Bye, Bye.

It's just NOT done. No wonder the yanks have a 50% + Divorce rate.

And, all this 'wimmin's lib' stuff has got to stop some place.
The concept of marrige is dying on its feet !!!

What about some committment then ??? !!!

star-pants

That's a tough situation...
I can see the point of view of it's not fair to not get to see each other for so long. But I personally couldn't deal with them being with someone else whilst waiting for me. It's a hard thing to get your mind around. It'll feel like cheating to you. (If you're feeling repulsed at the thought -- which any normal person would). And seeing other people -- how do you know that they / you won't find someone that you won't want to let go of when the time for you two to reunite comes around?

It's hard to ask people to wait for you, but I don't think it's very fair to see people in between either.

Perhaps... you should explain to her how you feel, that you only want her, you don't want to be with anyone else, and you can't stand the thoughts of her with someone else.

good luck, I do feel sorry for ye being so far apart.

LegacyUser

unroggggie wrote:

And, all this 'wimmin's lib' stuff has got to stop some place.
The concept of marrige is dying on its feet !!!
QUOTE]

Well marriage is emm probably a long, long, way off and I think its a valid point that if your not going to see somebody for nearly a year things could get very strained when the only contact is over a phone. I know things used to be done by letters and people married before sex but I don't think that has anything to do with 'wimmins lib', more so an affect of a progressive/liberated society.--Anyhoo---

I understand the 'not with a barge-pole' comment, its kind of the way I feel. It just seems like it may be hard for a 20 and 21 year old to be so far apart, for so long and not let our hair down every once in a while. I don't know why I'm taking her side because I don't really agree.

I just got off the phone and we had another chat about it and she was saying how she needed 'companionship', which really put me off-course because I didn't feel that that was her opinion but then she back-tracked and told me that that was just something she wanted to talk about. What she really wanted to talk about was just an ‘casual’ encounter.

Do people feel that even though we won't see each other for such a long time an odd one night stand will really affect us even if we agree to it and be honest?

I feel that it probably will and its being naive and gratefully optimistic to think otherwise. Again thanks for the curt replies.

star-pants

I just got off the phone and we had another chat about it and she was saying how she needed 'companionship', which really put me off-course because I didn't feel that that was her opinion but then she back-tracked and told me that that was just something she wanted to talk about. What she really wanted to talk about was just an ‘casual’ encounter.

Do people feel that even though we won't see each other for such a long time an odd one night stand will really affect us even if we agree to it and be honest?

So is what she saying is -- that if either of ye go out, get drunk & end up with someone the odd time, that it won't be held against you? Because obv ye both need some physicality from time to time, and so long as it's nothing serious (one night stand / one night kiss etc) that it's acceptable?

If ye both agree to it then, of course - but be prepared that either yourself or herself may not be able to cope with finding out about it.
But if ye are both being adults about it - and think it'll make things a little easier (in the sense of a 'slipup kiss' persay won't destroy the relationship) and are ok with it - then give it a shot.

At the end of the day only both of ye know how ye feel / how ye think ye would cope.

Crumble Froo

well, honestly, i think if you're gonna be in a relationship with someone, you're in a relationship with someone. full stop. nothing on the side, sin é.

i'm in a long distance thing too, was with him for two weeks last march, and wont see him again til the end of this month. hells yeah, the no physical thing sucks, but it really does make everything that little bit sweeter when we do get to be together again.

you seem really not that ok about the whole thing, and i think you should say that to her. if ye are committing to a long distance thing, and you're travelling over there and she's working on getting her papers to come here, then i really really think that the time in between trips to each other should be spent alone together, so to speak.

you talk 'every day bar none'... so what, she hops on msn one morning and tells you about the guy she was with last night? you dont want to hear that! or better yet, she doesn't tell you, you'll be wondering, you'll be curious, trying not to let it bug you, but it will. of course it will.

i think you really do have to just say no on this one, if ye have a real thing going on, yeah, lack of physical contact will suck, but it's not for too long, and it really will be sweeter at the end

CathyMoran

I do not believe that you can want to be with anyone else (other than as a fantasy) in a long term relationship so if I were you I would break up with her if she insists on this agreement. Just going off with some randomer because you need physical attention is bull****. Sure, you can be friends with other people but only friends. Sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

patrickolee

Afraid I agree with dudara when s/he says "dating is a very American thing, and we in Ireland don't fully get it"... we don't get it. We're an emotionally stunted people, judging by the responses so far. The American girl is been honest and realistic with the OP, surely that counts for something. She realises that, for her, been monogomous while they are apart for a year, is not realistic. Is there no way other than monogomy to maintain a relationship in this small minded country? Open your minds people...the catholic church has really messed us up, but we can still recover!

Crumble Froo

don't go pulling the religion card here, man.

the longest period is 6 months, yeah, sounds like ages, but if i'm really into someone, just cos they're not around doesn't make it right for me to see other people.

just the thought of my boyfriend hooking up with some other chick is just... well... not a happy one. i'd hate it. and i'm mad about him, i couldn't imagine actually being with someone else, and i know he feels the same way.

i think if you're really *that* into someone, then you can wait. it's not for that long, and it is worth it in the end.

CathyMoran

narco wrote:

don't go pulling the religion card here, man.

the longest period is 6 months, yeah, sounds like ages, but if i'm really into someone, just cos they're not around doesn't make it right for me to see other people.

just the thought of my boyfriend hooking up with some other chick is just... well... not a happy one. i'd hate it. and i'm mad about him, i couldn't imagine actually being with someone else, and i know he feels the same way.

i think if you're really *that* into someone, then you can wait. it's not for that long, and it is worth it in the end.

I agree. I can't imagine being with anyone else, I really love my husband.

axer

patrickolee wrote:

Afraid I agree with dudara when s/he says "dating is a very American thing, and we in Ireland don't fully get it"... we don't get it. We're an emotionally stunted people, judging by the responses so far. The American girl is been honest and realistic with the OP, surely that counts for something. She realises that, for her, been monogomous while they are apart for a year, is not realistic. Is there no way other than monogomy to maintain a relationship in this small minded country? Open your minds people...the catholic church has really messed us up, but we can still recover!

So one is emotionally stunted if they do not like the idea of their girlfriend/boyfriend having sexual intercourse with another person?

Wow! - how small minded of us! :rolleyes:

OP: if you don't like the idea then you must tell her. You cannot be expected to like the idea. If she can't deal with that then it cannot work. At least she is being honest and hopefully she will just tell you she cannot deal with it if that is actually the case rather than doing something behind your back.

dixiefly

patrickolee wrote:

Afraid I agree with dudara when s/he says "dating is a very American thing, and we in Ireland don't fully get it"... we don't get it. We're an emotionally stunted people, judging by the responses so far. The American girl is been honest and realistic with the OP, surely that counts for something. She realises that, for her, been monogomous while they are apart for a year, is not realistic. Is there no way other than monogomy to maintain a relationship in this small minded country? Open your minds people...the catholic church has really messed us up, but we can still recover!

Please remove that large chip from your shoulder. There was good advise given on this thread.

I think that the OP should not agree to an open relaionship with this girl. Better for you both in the long term.

Red Hand

narco wrote:

don't go pulling the religion card here, man.

the longest period is 6 months, yeah, sounds like ages, but if i'm really into someone, just cos they're not around doesn't make it right for me to see other people.

just the thought of my boyfriend hooking up with some other chick is just... well... not a happy one. i'd hate it. and i'm mad about him, i couldn't imagine actually being with someone else, and i know he feels the same way.

i think if you're really *that* into someone, then you can wait. it's not for that long, and it is worth it in the end.

Thirded. If she likes and even loves you, then she shouldn't be seeing other guys.

jj99

Ok OP, YOU do not want her to hook-up with other boys.
Do YOU have an issue with you hooking up with other girls with her consent?

LegacyUser

jj99 wrote:

Ok OP, YOU do not want her to hook-up with other boys.
Do YOU have an issue with you hooking up with other girls with her consent?

Well I don’t have a problem with me hooking up with other girls, it would be nice to have some freedom, but it’s more from the perspective of her being with guys that’s holding me backing from saying ok. Its know its hypocritical but it’s the way I feel. I would like to be able to, but knowing that she’ll be doing the same is making me say no because I don’t think I would stomach it well.

So the situation is….I don’t want her with other guys for obvious emotional reasons. I think that if I was out for a night and something happened which didn’t mean a lot me to I could forget it. I do feel queasy about her being with other guys, the way I would be with other girls, so I see her point of view from my perspective but there’s this repulsive/sick feeling is holding me back!

Am I making myself clear? It sound hypocritical but if I say no and I don’t want her to do it obviously I will abide by the same rules. Its just I can’t handle the thought of her with other people. The thought of me with other people is so-so, but it confuses me as to how she can feel so nonchalant about the issue of me with other people seeing as how I’m so repulsed by her with other people.

Beruthiel

I've always thought that if you were really and truly into someone then the thoughts of being with anyone else wouldn't even enter your head.

Aura

Beruthiel wrote:

I've always thought that if you were really and truly into someone then the thoughts of being with anyone else wouldn't even enter your head.

Exactly! What's the point in being in a committed relationship otherwise?!

axer

Beruthiel wrote:

I've always thought that if you were really and truly into someone then the thoughts of being with anyone else wouldn't even enter your head.

I don't believe people can always control their thoughts only their actions.