Is she cheating - what do I do

LegacyUser

Going unreg'd for this,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years now and we're in the process of buying a house together, everything seems to be going right for us and I couldn't be happier with her, she's my life.

We've moved back to our respective family homes for a few months to build on the deposit for a few months after renting together for the past 3 years.
She's in a job where she can take a fair amount of leave off at once and for the past 2 years has gone travelling with various friends for a month or so.

While this was a slight bone of contention as I couldn't get the same amount of leave off and the destinations were far flung, it wasn't a major one as I trust her implicitly and didn't begrudge the freedom her job gives her. She went travelling this year with workmates and old friends from uni.

Upon returning I got an odd feeling this year, I asked he is there anything I should know. She said no and I left at that as I trust her.
Tonight she was at my home using my laptop to do some surfing as she uses facebook and MySpace while I watched telly in another room, she told me she was updating her photo albulms.
Now I don't use any of those sites or have profiles on them so had no idea wht her profile was and assumed she was catching up with her friends who live abroad as she has a few. Whatever she was doing it was her business as far as I was concerned.

When she had let left I went to do a few things online myself, but saw she hadn't signed out of her facebook page. I went straight to close it down, but this is where my problem lies, I didn't.

Basially she has ongoing contact with one guy who she met o her travells 2 years ago and even planned to meet up with him this year, arranging months before she left, and she did!!
They chatted about what "fun they had the previous year," and how much they should meet up if their paths cross, and funnily enough they did.

No the messages wouldn't definitive proof, but I've never heard her or her friends metion him and they're definitly of an affectionate nature. To be honest they made me heart drop and my stomach sink.

Here lies my problem, I've never even read her text messages as I believe everyone has a right to privacy, and snooping only leads to situations like this!
But how do I broach the subject with her! I know I was bang out of order doing what I did but I know there might be something very wrong here.
If my worst suspicions are founded, then she'll either deny it, admit it or be so hurt that I've snooped she'll be devestated - not a sngle good outcome for anyone.

I really don't know what to do, she's an unbelievably naturally friendly and gregeraious person who makes friends very easily, but I can't shake the feeling that this goes further then this!

Sorry for the gigantic rambling post but I'm all over the place and am completly lost.

Manic Moran

I'm tempted to give a semi-flippant comment like "If you hadn't gone snooping, how confident would you have been of your situation?"

You have no evidence I would describe as 'firm', and presumably she's as enthusastic about your future lives together as before. If this is so, then I think you're better off forgetting the issue.

If she's seeming a little less enthusiastic than she used to be, perhaps it might be worth asking.

NTM

thecleverone

Set up a facebook account of your own, request her as a friend, voila, you have access to her page and can see all comments left for her (except PM's). If there are any comments on her page in public view, anyone who clicks into her site will be able to see them. Once you've logged on as her friend, then broach the subject of who is so and so on your page. Bring the topic up that way but yes, you do get a slap on the hand for peeking at her mails.

johnnyrotten

Download this
http://www.actualspy.com/
Then let her use the laptop as much as possible. Sift through the evidence you will quickly know if its a simple friend or somthing more serious. Then you can confront her !

SingingCherry

First off, you shouldn't have been snooping and snooping only leads to this sort of things. While you might not be enthusiastic about what you sound, I don't think you have any proof. That said, it is sort of strange that she didn't mention to it to you, but if she was with a group of people, it might not have seemed like a big deal to her at the time. What I'm saying is, you don't know at all. The best you can do is ask her and you might have to fess up to the snooping unless you come up with a better plan. Maybe look at her page with her and when you see the messages from him, ask who he is? I don't know.

Download this
http://www.actualspy.com/
Then let her use the laptop as much as possible. Sift through the evidence you will quickly know if its a simple friend or somthing more serious. Then you can confront her !

DO NOT DO THIS. If I found a keylogger on my computer I'd be mighty pissed, regardless of the reason.

latenia

Cut her face

Beruthiel

latenia wrote:

Cut her face

Banned for being an idiot
B

Rob_l

Broach the subject with her everyone says people shouldn't snoop but then people shouldn't also lie and cheat.
Two wrongs dont make a right they will say
But neither does one wrong make a right
Explain to her how you came about this information it was accidental as such if people want privacy they should log out properly also perhaps she subconcoiusly done this because she feels guilty for cheating.

Only way to get an answer here is to ask, if you go ahead with a marriage and this is how the situation is will it be better than finding out now and if she loves you surely she will forgive your one indiscretion.

The truth is the truth no matter how it is discovered

muboop1

talk to her...

Jack B. Badd

OP, as yet you have no concrete evidence that she has cheated on you. If I were you, I certainly wouldn't go on the offensive with this one (e.g. deciding that she has cheated on you and confronting her based on that decision when you have no evidence to confirm it), as that'll get you into the height of trouble. Instead sit her down and talk to her in a civilised manner - assume that she's innocent until proven guilty as what little evidence you have is circumstantial at best.

togster

thecleverone wrote:

Set up a facebook account of your own, request her as a friend, voila, you have access to her page and can see all comments left for her (except PM's). If there are any comments on her page in public view, anyone who clicks into her site will be able to see them. Once you've logged on as her friend, then broach the subject of who is so and so on your page. Bring the topic up that way but yes, you do get a slap on the hand for peeking at her mails.

She can decide if she wants you to see certain things on her facebook.

Just talk to her.

Tell her the truth. You accidently logges into her account and saw this. Ask her about it.

matt-dublin

togster wrote:

She can decide if she wants you to see certain things on her facebook.

Just talk to her.

Tell her the truth. You accidently logges into her account and saw this. Ask her about it.

if she doesn't want him to see everything, she's obviously hiding something.

Wibbs

^^^Eh no.

All you can do is wait and see if anything else flips a switch for you, that may confirm if anything is going on. From what you wrote everything else in the relationship is going forward so work on that basis. I would do nada for the moment.

PS I always worry when people describe their partner as "my life". Not healthy if actually true.

K-9

Well, the Name on the Thread is, Is She Cheating?

From your post, no.

The fact that he has never been mentioned around you is strange though. Maybe try and bring it up in passing and see what the reaction is. No harm joining facebook as well!

You say when she came back from travelling, you got an odd feeling about her. Why?

LegacyUser

Honest answer: it sounds bad. Men are just as bad as women for cheating generally but for some reason women on holidays get sucked into things. Must be the romance of travelling.

There is a simple solution, confront her about it. You need to know.

Pyjamarama

Has she been acting differently since she came back? If not then I wouldn't think you have much to worry about as despite popular belief males and females can be just friends!

If you have never shown an interest in joining Facebook it might be a bit suss to suddenly join. When she came back did she show you her holiday photos? Was this guy in any of them. If you've never seen them you could ask to see them and if this guy appears you can ask who he is as you don't recognise him. Her reaction should help answer your question.

Mountjoy Mugger

OP you said in your initial post that

she's an unbelievably naturally friendly and gregeraious person who makes friends very easily

If you're going to let that green eyed monster surface, I'd think long and hard before throwing away 5 years. Just my opinion.

queenlex

Rob_l wrote:

Broach the subject with her everyone says people shouldn't snoop but then people shouldn't also lie and cheat.
Two wrongs dont make a right they will say
But neither does one wrong make a right
Explain to her how you came about this information it was accidental as such if people want privacy they should log out properly also perhaps she subconcoiusly done this because she feels guilty for cheating.

Only way to get an answer here is to ask, if you go ahead with a marriage and this is how the situation is will it be better than finding out now and if she loves you surely she will forgive your one indiscretion.

The truth is the truth no matter how it is discovered

Agree with a lot of what Rob says. In my opinion cheating is way worse than snooping though a poll recently said in 80% of couples at least one person was cheating/ had cheated. Her behaviour is very suspicious in my opinion from the facts you've given.

You dont want to get married on false pretences and ended up going through divorce that would be a lot more hassle.

queenlex

Pyjamarama wrote:

If not then I wouldn't think you have much to worry about as despite popular belief males and females can be just friends!

I used to think this was no problem when I was younger and it is still possible but I think at some stage or other most guys get sucked into the physical attraction even if its not initial. Just being honest

ShawnRaven

queenlex wrote:

I used to think this was no problem when I was younger and it is still possible but I think at some stage or other most guys get sucked into the physical attraction even if its not initial. Just being honest

It can happen, and surprisingly enough it can happen to girls too!
VR!

girliegirl

From your post, i would say that she is not cheating. Facebook accounts and ones like that, I think comments can seem way more "friendly" than originally attended. I'm sure she met hundreds of people on her travels, maybe tens of which she would be friendly too on return... does she mention all of these people? I would say not, so I would not worry about her cheating with him.

Also if she was cheating... and this is just my opinion... I dont think she would be carrying the affair out on a facebook or myspace page. More chance of being found out, not just by you, but by people who know you etc.

I say relax and dont worry about it. Or you could ask her in a jokey way who he is like in a jokey "oooh should i be worried?" nudge nudge and see her reaction.

Latchy

It can happen, and surprisingly enough it can happen to girls too!
VR!

It can and does happen quite easy on the web ,without even known what the other person looks like ,although (in my case) the looks did not matter .

LegacyUser

'Right,

I slept on it and after reading some good advice here I'm going to just tell her the truth, her page was open, I shouldn't have looked but I did, who is this guy *in a light hearted way*

I don't want to go even think about snooping anymore, it only ends in tears, people have a right to privacy no matter how close they are.

But I have this awful feeling somethings not right.

I'm in no way a jealous or paranoid guy, but...

I know everything about her, she's told me the smallest detail about her travels and all the people she's met, she's a very open person, yet I've never even heard this guys name.
That she met him 2 years ago in asia and then again after chatting online met him in a totally different continent (he's not from Ireland.) That would be something you'd imagine might pop up in converstion.

I'm not going to post the messages verbatim but they weren't in a piblic area of her profile, they seemed to be in an 'inbox'
He spoke of the "good time they'd had" mock sobbing that he didn't know when he'd see her again . Looking back, she only had 6 friends listed on this site - none of her close friends I'd know really well, all people I didn't know bar one.

I've never been cheated on before, I've never looked for signs. Now that I *might* have one I'm questioning everything!!!

Am I just being paranoid, I know only she can answer that, but any opinions are welcome.'

myspaced

myspaced wrote:

Am I just being paranoid

Yes.

And you should have asked her straight away before blowing this into a big deal.

K-9

myspaced wrote:

I know everything about her, she's told me the smallest detail about her travels and all the people she's met, she's a very open person, yet I've never even heard this guys name.

Sounds a bit odd.

myspaced wrote:

I'm not going to post the messages verbatim but they weren't in a piblic area of her profile, they seemed to be in an 'inbox'
He spoke of the "good time they'd had" mock sobbing that he didn't know when he'd see her again . Looking back, she only had 6 friends listed on this site - none of her close friends I'd know really well, all people I didn't know bar one.

I've never been cheated on before, I've never looked for signs. Now that I *might* have one I'm questioning everything!!!

Again, a bit odd they're all friends of hers you don't know!
You need to bring it up or you'll end up completely paranoid.

Fanny Cradock

As an objective observer, I would say there is little to justify your fears.

liberty 2007

Trust is an over rated vertue, too much of it can lead to temptation.
manogomy is not a natural state, we do it because it has advantages but we are all prone to stray when oppertunity presents itself. If you watch very closly, even the birds nesting in the trees, when the male is out collecting food, his rivel might drop in for a visit.

seahorse

myspaced wrote:

That she met him 2 years ago in asia and then again after chatting online met him in a totally different continent (he's not from Ireland.) That would be something you'd imagine might pop up in converstion.

Indeed you would! - So she met this man on two different continents - you've never heard a word about him, and you're still wondering if she's cheated with him? I'm sorry OP, but a parter having met someone on ONE bloody continent who's never been mentioned and is still pm'ing them about all their fun times would be enough to raise any sane persons hackles, never mind someone who'd gone to the bother of meeting up in a second, separate and secret part of the world!!!

My advice to you would be just to leave, because clearly your partner is lying to you, and life's too short for that sh!te.

Spoony2

myspaced wrote:

'Right,



But I have this awful feeling somethings not right.

I'm in no way a jealous or paranoid guy, but...

You have an awfull feeling?

did you have a bad feeling 2 weeks ago?
did you feel anything different about the releationship when she gt back from asia.

I can fully understand why you are feeling like this.

You've been thinking about it and thinking these kinda thuaghts is poison to your own sanity, it will drive you nuts stay cool aproach t with logic...