Feeling left out and unhappy

LegacyUser

Hope people don't get fed up because this could be a long post and thanks in advance for reading.

Ok,heres my scenario.

I'm approaching my mid twenties and in my final year of college.I'm a relatively quiet guy who has a fair few friends outside college and a lovely girlfriend that loves me and who I love dearly.So everything is fine there.

The tip of the iceberg that has led me to post here is that I think I am not popular or approachable.As background to this issue,I didn't have the most happiest of childhoods.I lost a lot of people close to me and when I started secondary school 2 months after my sister died,I was like a zombie in school and it took me the guts of a year and a half to really settle in and make real friends.

Now 11 years on,I'm starting to feel the same and this is why.......

The thing I don't get is that every other year in college when it came to group work,I never had any trouble finding a group.Now this year I am struggling to do this.This has happened twice in a 3 week period.I don't consider the people in college as my friends anymore as I realise that they are just acquaintences and thats all they'll ever be to me,nothing more which is quite sad in a way.I hardly even talk to the friendlier of acquaintences I have known over the years anymore.

Most just exchange pleasantries to me but when I talk to people,it is as if I have to make a really big effort to strike up conversation and feel included.In a classroom that is buzzing with people talking,I feel like a ghost.When I first started college,everything was grand but the friends I had all dropped out or went on after receiving the first qualification or are in different courses.

More recently,I was put in a group by a lecturer after not finding a group which was fine and this settled me down until I was informed that I was being "replaced" by the group over some bum who is totally unreliable and is friendly with these guys.I don't know the full extent of the circumstances but I think if there was an arrangement with this guy previous,surely I should have been told before but no,it was after.

This was done behind my back so in turn I emailed the lecturer about this as I was really unhappy about it.I thought it was a chicken sh*t thing what they did and was under handed on their part.I am considering confronting them.What added the fuel to the fire was that they didn't have the decency to inform me until a week later and this unsettled me as we have project work to do in the coming weeks.

Maybe it was because this guy was a pal of theirs but otherwise I have no idea of what I could have possibly done to deserve this.I'm no enemy to anybody and have never done anything to be unpopular or disliked.My only consolation in this matter is the lecturer who is quite perplexed at the situation and is siding with me.

Now after these episodes,I'm not the same person.I've adopted the attitude of fcuk everybody and looking after my own interests.I don't even pay much attention to the pleasantries that are thrown my way these days and most of the time now I reply very coldly ie without interest.

I don't want to be this way but the past events have left a bad taste in my mouth to the point where I don't give a damn about anybody as highlighted in my behaviour/attitude to most people.In fact,if the same people that were in this group try to be friendly with me,I think I won't be too short of telling them where to go.I firmly believe now that I must be up straight and honest.Afterall,what have I got to lose?

My question is,does anybody perceive this to be a form of bullying?Nobody hurls insults at me or spreads rumour or anything like,its not like that but I feel left out even if they are only acquaintences and it gets me down.I know it seems like a contradiction but they've hardly endeared themselves to me and my general outlook on the course and its students is negative.I couldn't care less if I don't ever hear from anybody in college after this year but the main issue is that I am not enjoying college at all.

So I ask again,does anybody perceive this as a form of bullying and what advice can anybody give and has anybody ever been in the same situation as me.Thanks again.

Poco Loco

I wouldn't percieve this to be bullying at all. It seems to me as more of a case of them being thoughtless, choosing a friend to join the group over you. It's not nice but that's just the way it is. You have said a few times in your post that the people in your class are not friends, merely acquaintances, and not ones you particularly care about anyway. Perhaps you are distancing yourself from them too? People tend to be attracted to positive open people. If you are acting quieter and closed to them, it is a much easier, and more appealing, option to just work away without you - it's their final year and they probably:
(a) have made good friends with others in the class already
(b) just want to get on and do well this year.
I felt like you do from time to time when I was in college but then I realised nobody was 'not nice' - I was closing myself off so how could I blame them for not making an effort with me? When I did start making the effort I made a few really good friends and had a laugh. Perhaps you should do this too?

I'm only saying this based on the incident you mentioned in your post. If there has been a lot more, maybe you have a reason to be feeling so down but if it is just this then maybe try to make more of an effort with the acquaintances you have already before you become completely excluded.

MattKid

This is about how you interact with people, and how you connect or don't connect with people.

Maybe it was because this guy was a pal of theirs but otherwise I have no idea of what I could have possibly done to deserve this.I'm no enemy to anybody and have never done anything to be unpopular or disliked.

Great you're not an asshole, you did nothing 'wrong' BUT what did you do RIGHT, what did you put out there the week before to really show what a great member of their team you would be, were you enthusiastic?, did you make an effort to bond with the team? or was it a case of 'teacher says I should work with you guys, and you just sat their'. Who wouldn't prefer someone they new and liked on their team rather than someone they were forced to accept.


Start being genuinely interested in people and you'll find that things will change. I've found the below a good set of pointers when it comes to conversations, things that maybe I don't do all the time but should. OK some of them are a bit cheesey and American but some are valid

1. Be the first to say hello.
2. Introduce yourself to others.
3. Take risks. Don't anticipate rejection.
4. Display your sense of humor.
5. Be receptive to new ideas.
6. Make an extra effort to remember people's names.
7. Ask a person's name if you have forgotten it.
8. Show curiosity and interest in others.
9. Tell other people about the important events in your life
10. Tell others about yourself, and what your likes are
11. Show others that you are a good listener by restating their comments in another manner.
12. Communicate enthusiasm and excitement about things and life in general to those you meet.
13. Go out of your way to meet new people.
14. Accept a person's right to be an individual.
15. Show your sense of humor when talking to others.
16. Tell others what you do in a few short sentences.
17. Reintroduce yourself to someone who has forgotten your name.
18. Tell others something interesting or challenging about what you do.
19. Be aware of open and closed body language.
20. Use eye contact and smiling as your first contact with people.
21. Greet people you see regularly.
22. Seek common interests, goals, and experiences in the people you meet.
23. Make an effort to help people if you can.
24. Let others play the expert.
25. Be open to answering common ritual questions.
26. Get enthusiastic about other people's interests.
27. Balance the giving and receiving of information.
28. Be able to speak about a variety of topics and subjects.
29. Keep abreast of current events and the issues that affect all of our lives.
30. Be open to other people's opinions and feelings.
31. Express your feelings,opinions, and emotions to others.
32. Use "1" and reveal your feelings when you talk about personal things.
33. Don't use the word "you" when you mean "I"
34. Show others that you are enjoying your conversations with them.
35- Invite people to join you for dinner, social events, or other activities for companionship.
36. Keep in touch with friends and acquaintances.
37. Ask other people their opinions.
38. Look for the positive in those you meet.
39. Start and end your conversation with a person's name and a handshake or warm greeting.
40. Take time to be cordial with your neighbors and coworkers.
41. Let others know that you want to get to know them better.
42. Ask others about things they have told you in previous conversations.
43. Listen carefully for free information.
44. Be tolerant of other people's beliefs if they differ from yours.
45. Change the topic of conversation when it has run its course.
46. Always search for another person's "hot button."
47. Compliment others about what they are wearing, doing, or saying.
48. Encourage others to talk with you by sending out receptivity signals.
49. Make an effort to see and talk to people you enjoy and have fun with.
50. When you tell a story, present the main point first, and then add the supporting details afterward.

Knockoff Nige

I think you need to beleive that you ARE a very approachable and likeable person. That means beleiving it and not just faking it. Be nice without being a doormat and ask people for things, favours, etc. This always gets you talking to people and gives them a chance to see how nice you can be. When you wait to be asked for things, it doesnt happen.

I think when you see yourself as a loner for so long, your conscious of the fact that if you just start talking to someone randomly, you look like a freak. Therefore, asking someone for advice on something course related or otherwise gives you the smooth transition from weirdo to nice guy. Also remember to say 'I owe you for that'. The probably wont cash in so its up to you to remember the favour.

Ok, this seems to be you doing all the work for things to happen whereas other people seem to sail through without having to do anything. But, you're in your situation, they are not. Its up to you to take responsibility for it.

I would say that you should keep your focus on where you want to be in your life and be around people with similar interests. Therefore, you know that you can ask these people about things you want to know about.