G/F Confusing behaviour with Ex

LegacyUser

Hmm ..
Long story short, i'm going out with a girl for some time now, almost a year.
She was going out with a guy previously, almost a year before hand. She said before she wanted to meetup with him because they broke up on good terms etc and go for a drink, with me there also. She's told me a few times that the guy is unstable and was pretty violent sometimes. Anyway, at that point in time i said it was probably a bad idea and she left it at that. She hasn't seen the guy since they agreed that they didn't have anything between them.

So she yesterday she said that he'll be in town this weekend and he asked if she wanted to meetup, She told him that she'd have to check with me first, to which he replied "Won't he not be very happy with that" To which she replied that i'm great and i get on with people etc etc ... which i do, but thats not really the point.

I told her it was a bad idea and she thinks its great, i'm a bit older than her (4 years) and I've been there and done it (which to her sounds like i'm being condescending)

TBH if the guy texts her to meet up and she says she has to check with me first then he makes out like i'd have a problem with it, makes me think he has a problem with it, sets alarm bells ringing all over the place.

I know guys, i am one for christ sake, it sounds to me like he's saying one thing but has other intentions. Anyways, from past experience i would just ignore it or say no, because you broke up for a reason in the first place. Its not that i think she has feelings for him, i just think shes being a bit nieve (she was pretty nasty to him) i think shes look for a bit of guilt alleviation.

I dunno, IMHO Meeting up with ex's is a bad idea. Screw it, i'll go, its not about jealousy or fear, It's sort of a feeling like when your looking at buying a car and get a dodgy feeling.

She wants to meetup with him for half and hour first and then i can come along later, so doesn't want to make out like shes rubbing her happiness in his face... which is true, we are brutally honest with each other and love each other very much.

Opinions?

I don't want to be controlling but i don't want her to drag all this crap into our relationship either. I have a past too but leave the baggage behind. I think its a bad idea but it seems to be something she really wants to do

Wibbs

I don't think you're being controlling at all and I think you may be right over her guilt which is common enough. She may be looking for some sort of closure for her and him. Also common enough, but often this kind of closure brings it's own problems. The thing is she has to let go nearly as much as he needs to. I don't think you've much to worry about with her as she has involved you in this all the way through.

Meeting up with exes can be dodgy for many reasons. The longer the time difference between the breakup and the meeting makes the difference. Like I wrote in another thread, I would be much more concerned if she had kept in more contact with the ex from the very start. This is not the case here and her involving you is a good sign.

I would say that no matter what she thinks, her bringing you along will look like she's rubbing his face in it, especially if he's the emotionally unstable violent type as you describe. He may well see it as taking the píss in his mind. Hard to call

You may have to go along with it, but make your concerns clear without getting to pushy about it.

Beruthiel

If they were comfortable friends and nothing more to it than that, then great, I'd have no problem meeting up with him.
But, there's more to it than that, her wanting to meet up before hand, the softly, softly approach, undertones of whatever - either way, I personally would have no interest in getting involved with whatever is going on there and would refuse to go. (that's just me though)

stcatherine

This Girl is being totally open and honest with you about wanting to meet up with her ex and even asking you to come along , instead of meeting him behind your back ....and you have a problem with this ?

My best male friend is the guy I dated in college, We used to meet up every 6 months or so for dinner, so when I met my now Hubby, I naturally wanted them to meet eachother.
I know he found it weird at first that I was so close to my ex, but once he met him he knew there were no feelings between us other than friendship.

Of course her ex is going to ask if your going to be ok with it, sounds like the polite thing to do, if he didn't give a rats ass he wouldn't care what you think. I know my Ex got into allsorts of crap when we split up and I cared about what he was doing with his life so I stayed in it to be a shoulder for him to lean on, and God did he test our friendship at times, but thats all it was ... a friendship. He's finally sorted his Crap out and married to a beautiful girl who is now his rock.

Knockoff Nige

If its abou8t getting closure on something, why cant they do it over the phone. Personally I think you're right about his intentions. She may not see it that way right away and in fact might not even until he makes a move. But, she has no real need to see him again.

If they do meet and want to meet again, then it becomes a more serious issue.

LegacyUser

'

stcatherine wrote:

This Girl is being totally open and honest with you about wanting to meet up with her ex and even asking you to come along , instead of meeting him behind your back ....and you have a problem with this ?

My best male friend is the guy I dated in college, We used to meet up every 6 months or so for dinner, so when I met my now Hubby, I naturally wanted them to meet eachother.
I know he found it weird at first that I was so close to my ex, but once he met him he knew there were no feelings between us other than friendship.

Of course her ex is going to ask if your going to be ok with it, sounds like the polite thing to do, if he didn't give a rats ass he wouldn't care what you think. I know my Ex got into allsorts of crap when we split up and I cared about what he was doing with his life so I stayed in it to be a shoulder for him to lean on, and God did he test our friendship at times, but thats all it was ... a friendship. He's finally sorted his Crap out and married to a beautiful girl who is now his rock.

I would say agree with this but after she mentioned i was coming he came up with all sorts of excuses to the point of being incoherent. Talking about he'll be in x place .. but doesn't know if he can make it at y time. She even said herself that the texts that followed sounded like he was trying to talk himself out of it.

Again, my whole thing is i've left that stuff behind in my life, if i bumped into an ex on the street fair enough, i'd have a chat with them, but i definitely would not be ok with specifically contacting them or them contacting me and meeting up with their current b/f or g/f.

I'd never tell her who she can and cannot see, i wouldn't be cool with that. But in this case i think he has other intentions, if you had realized you had no feelings for someone anymore when you broke up, that can all change imho when you see them with someone else (lots reasons why, i'm sure sigmund would come up with something related to you mother haha)

Its not an issue that i don't trust her, i trust her with everything. Its his intentions i'd wonder about. He already knew she was going out with me but didn't expect me to go ? Then tried to back out of it when she said i'd go. Logic would tell me he wanted to meet her on his own and wasn't aware that she was telling me everything.

I don't know that much about their relationship, but she did tell me she stayed with him for so long because she felt sorry for him and she didn't love him at all. He however did love her.'

stcatherine

sounds like you have your answer then. If he started making excuses once you said you'd go more than likely he has got other intentions.
Anyway if you agree to go and he doesn't turn up (sounds likely now ) all the better !

It's unfortunate but it also sounds like you can't explain to your G/F that he might have other ideas without her getting all defensive, and I think at the end of the day you should follow your gut !

moco

I think exes are better left in the past but in saying that I'm friendly with a few of mine. I don't feel the need to meet up with them though.

If this guy still likes her I wouldn't be happy with them meeting, even if you completely trust your girlf. I think it could bring hassle. It'd be different if they split amicably and were friends all along but he's probably still hurt and is hoping to get her back.

LegacyUser

stcatherine wrote:

sounds like you have your answer then. If he started making excuses once you said you'd go more than likely he has got other intentions.
Anyway if you agree to go and he doesn't turn up (sounds likely now ) all the better !

It's unfortunate but it also sounds like you can't explain to your G/F that he might have other ideas without her getting all defensive, and I think at the end of the day you should follow your gut !

Yeh, I can see it from her point of view though, she could think that I don't trust her, which is completely untrue ! I get the impression she just wants me to be cool about it.

Erra i said i'll go along with it anyway, if it goes tits up then lesson learned for her i guess. I just hope i don't get a clobbering for something that was within my limitations to control.

lochie

Let her arrange to meet and then turn up half an hour later or at whatever time she tells you. If she wants to meet him I personally don't think you should stop her.

A thread on this forum in the last week called "Girlfriend stolen" made me laugh because she could only be 'stolen' if she wanted to be!

Even if he wants to get back together and you trust her you should know that it won't happen. Let her alleviate her guilt and get some closure and then move on. As you said yourself you don't want to be controlling and dictating to her what she can and can't do.

Looks like he isn't gonna turn up anyway but give her the option....

Overheal

Does the ex know you at all?

What Im saying is there a way that you can be at the location without him knowing about it? say if you were in a pub they could take one table and you take another and read a paper or something and at least that way 1) they can have their conversation together 2) you can be there to make sure nothing goes drastic. You dont need to be too close: if you trust her then you're really just trying to keep an eye out on him.

It sounds like the guy is just trying to see if there is something there, and you being there is acting like a clear Red Light to him.

I think its best for both of them to meet up the one time: He needs to see that she doesnt love him and she needs to learn she doesnt have to feel guilty about that.

Wibbs

donethat wrote:

I get the impression she just wants me to be cool about it.

I agree.

Erra i said i'll go along with it anyway, if it goes tits up then lesson learned for her i guess. I just hope i don't get a clobbering for something that was within my limitations to control

Go along with it. It's her decision so let her make it and take whatever results. Put it this way, she's not a child so let her find out for herself and she can hardly play the blame game on you for something she wanted to do(though there's no guarantee of that either).

Overheal wrote:

I think its best for both of them to meet up the one time: He needs to see that she doesnt love him and she needs to learn she doesnt have to feel guilty about that.

I take your point, but at this stage he should be fairly aware she doesn't love him, the year later and a whole new boyfriend that she wants him to meet scenario being the dead giveaway. Her being guilty is just plain daft. She made her decision(apparently based on the ex being a muppet in her eyes) so she should take the consequences of that and move on. In this case revisiting the past will do neither of them any good. As the OP said he may also feel that the OP showing up is more "rubbing his nose in it", than seeking closure. Some people are daft like that. I don't see what good can come from it really.

Then again if she's trying to make a point you have to go along with it. She'll probably dig her heels in if you try to object any more. Path of least resistance is in play here.