Money issues in a relationship

LegacyUser

I've been going out for a girl for close to a year now.
When the relationship started, I would pay for drinks, meals nearly and such nearly all the time.
However, at this stage it's kind of like she expects me to pay for these things, and hardly offers to pay herself. I feel that as we're a bit further into the relationship it should be a bit more equal though. I don't mind getting her drinks, but I guess it's more the fact that she expects me to pay for them kind of annoys me.
What complicates it a bit is that I do have a better job than her, and can afford it. She's not exactly struggling for cash though - she still has plenty to spend on clothes and treats for herself.
I intend to bring this up with her, but wanted some opinions on whether this was reasonable or not, and how to go about it.

Beruthiel

So much for womens lib.
I've never, ever understood women like this, where is their self respect and independence? If ye both work, then 50/50.
I might also suggest that you're a bit of a mug for tolerating this kind of behaviour as after a year she actually expects this, the mind boggles at her selfishness.
You having a better job means nothing, if she cannot afford to do x, y and z, then she should say so and work around that.
I would never accept having a partner that sponges of me.
Talk to her about this.

Shockin Stockin

I wonder at the start of the relationship did she offer to pay for anything? This could be an indication as to whether it was something she would do in normal circumstances or did she take it for granted that you would always pay for her?
Its lovely to be treated and made feel special, but that's a 2 way street. Income shouldn't come into it. Its not a case of you paid x amount so i need to pay x amount. Its about showing considereation and wanting to treat you in return.

rebelcork

I would deal with this directly.
Ask her where she is taking you this weekend, meal, clubbing,pub,cinema etc.
When she decides, tell her ,..great ,you're paying.
See how she reacts.Tell her it's her turn etc.You'll soon find out where you stand!

How Strange

OP, you're being taken for a mug. And I say this as a woman. In this day and age there is absolutely no reason at all why a woman would expect a man to pay for everything. But in fairness to your gf, did you insist on paying all the time when you first met? Did you always go to buy the rounds of drinks and pay the restaurant bill? If so, you have to accept partial responsibility and find a way to change things.

You're obviously starting to resent your gf and its not fair to her if you haven't discussed it or tried to change it.

Whenever I feel like I've been forking out more money than my bf I ask him to treat me to dinner and he always does.

My advice would be not to come out directly and say 'now listen little lady, I've had enough of me always paying for everything, it's time you stumped up and paid your way'. That will justifiably humiliate her.

I would suggest you say that you go out for a few drinks. You get the first round and when it comes to the second say 'mines a XX'. Then if she says anything you can discuss it. You can explain that you just don't think its fair that you always pay and you want it to be 50-50 from now on. Her nose might be out of joint for a while, she may even sulk but she will probably come around after a few days and be fine about it.

If she is a well grounded, reasonable person she will realise after a few days contemplation that the situation was unfair.

DaMadSprogabeen

ah man sounds like you have been rightly stung. she is selfish full stop. bring it up with her but dunno where it will go after that...is she says fair enough then your grand if she makes a big deal out of it....mmmmmm!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.
I guess I am partly to blame.
When we first started going out she was in between jobs and wasn't doing too well financially. I paid for everything so that we could go out and see each other, or go away and do stuff. She did offer but I knew she couldn't really afford it, so insisted on paying.
Things picked up for her though - she has a decent job, has paid off her debts and is doing fine now. I no longer insist on paying for stuff - she just assumes I will (because I did for so many months while she had no money).
It's not as bad as everyone is making out though - she won't throw a strop if I asked her to get a round in. Also, I think at times she realises she's doing it as she says stuff like "You pay for everything, I'll have to take you out to a meal sometime". Problem is she never does...

Theboinkmaster

unreg2543 wrote:

Thanks for all the replies so far.
I guess I am partly to blame.
When we first started going out she was in between jobs and wasn't doing too well financially. I paid for everything so that we could go out and see each other, or go away and do stuff. She did offer but I knew she couldn't really afford it, so insisted on paying.
Things picked up for her though - she has a decent job, has paid off her debts and is doing fine now. I no longer insist on paying for stuff - she just assumes I will (because I did for so many months while she had no money).
It's not as bad as everyone is making out though - she won't throw a strop if I asked her to get a round in. Also, I think at times she realises she's doing it as she says stuff like "You pay for everything, I'll have to take you out to a meal sometime". Problem is she never does...

Why would you want to go out with a girl like this?! Do you mind me asking how old you&her are as I'd expect you to be < 25?

Once she started gaining financial stability she should have started offering to pay for things. Like if you went to cinema and booked the tickets on cr card then she should automatically offer to pay for the food. If she doesn't this suggests a lack of character which I simlpy would not tolerate.

I'm not saying break up with her however sit her down and talk to her and explain everything. If after this she continues doing this I'd break up with her, if you expect it to be a long term relationship as she's not a decent person worthy of your love. If it's just a sexual thing then maybe continue if you think it's worth it..

Best of luck

ntlbell

As you stated above for the best part of a year you have _insisted_ that YOU pay.

In my exp women who think it should be 50/50 are women that don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything and THEY insist it should be 50/50 so the women that do have that kind of man can't enjoy it

these women tend to be older and bitter.

I enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and I always insist on paying for everything.

I guess it's how your brought up,your circle of friends and current circumstances but no man I know would make his wife/gf pay for drinks and I see men that do this as fairly tight.

maybe I'm in the dark ages.

bill_ashmount

ntlbell wrote:

I enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and I always insist on paying for everything.

I guess it's how your brought up,your circle of friends and current circumstances but no man I know would make his wife/gf pay for drinks and I see men that do this as fairly tight.

maybe I'm in the dark ages.

You pay for everything, always?

Even if the women weren't asking for it all to be paid, i'd be annoyed that they weren't offended by having everything paid for them.

I hate nothing worse than people who are tight with money when they don't need to be. One person paying for everything in my opinion is an insult to both parties.

LegacyUser

'OP, when you're both working, it's not fair for you to be forking out for everything. Times have changed. Women (and I suppose, people in general in this fair isle of ours) have far more cash now than we ever did before.

It's the same sort of logic one would apply to a co-habiting situation, where both man and woman are working, so the chores (logically) should be shared.

Makes sense to me : )'

Theboinkmaster

ntlbell wrote:

As you stated above for the best part of a year you have _insisted_ that YOU pay.

In my exp women who think it should be 50/50 are women that don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything and THEY insist it should be 50/50 so the women that do have that kind of man can't enjoy it

these women tend to be older and bitter.

I enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and I always insist on paying for everything.

I guess it's how your brought up,your circle of friends and current circumstances but no man I know would make his wife/gf pay for drinks and I see men that do this as fairly tight.

maybe I'm in the dark ages.

You sir are well in the dark ages. I like my girlfriend to offer to pay for things and usually accept them as we are 2 young professionals living in Dublin and for me to pay for everything would be just too expensive, I mean we could eat out twice in 1 week and meal would be €100 - she'll get one ill get the other otherwise it'd be ridiculously expensive.

I respect her for this and don't think we'd be together if she didn't as I believe it'd say alot about her character (btw we both earn very good money) and her upbringing.

Of course I'm a gentleman and buy her gifts, flowers, weekends away etc every now and again as I also enjoy spoiling her.

You say you enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and always insist on paying for everything? That IMHO is just silly and I would have no respect for any woman who allows that

ntlbell

bill_ashmount wrote:

Even if the women weren't asking for it all to be paid, i'd be annoyed that they weren't offended by having everything paid for them.
.

Why would she be offended.

I await some womens lib, equal rights armchair psycology nonsense

How Strange

ntlbell As you stated above for the best part of a year you have _insisted_ that YOU pay.

In my exp women who think it should be 50/50 are women that don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything and THEY insist it should be 50/50 so the women that do have that kind of man can't enjoy it

these women tend to be older and bitter.

I enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and I always insist on paying for everything.

I guess it's how your brought up,your circle of friends and current circumstances but no man I know would make his wife/gf pay for drinks and I see men that do this as fairly tight.

maybe I'm in the dark ages.[/QUOTE]

Yes, ntlbell, you are definitely in the dark ages. Do you scrape your knuckles off the ground when you are walking?

Quite honestly, as a woman, I could not go out with a guy who always insists on paying for everything. Of course its nice to be treated to dinner once in a while but woman work and in some cases earn more than their bf's so why wouldn't they pay their fair share.

Honestly, ntlbell, what kind of women are you and your friends dating? It must be a little remote area of Ireland where no-one knows any better.

Actually its quite amazing that there are men (and women) still out there that think like this :eek:

ntlbell

Theboinkmaster wrote:

You sir are well in the dark ages. I like my girlfriend to offer to pay for things and usually accept them as we are 2 young professionals living in Dublin and for me to pay for everything would be just too expensive, I mean we could eat out twice in 1 week and meal would be €100 - she'll get one ill get the other otherwise it'd be ridiculously expensive.

I respect her for this and don't think we'd be together if she didn't as I believe it'd say alot about her character (btw we both earn very good money) and her upbringing.

Of course I'm a gentleman and buy her gifts, flowers, weekends away etc every now and again as I also enjoy spoiling her.

You say you enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and always insist on paying for everything? That IMHO is just silly and I would have no respect for any woman who allows that

meh even after 4 years she offers every single time.

I might even accept on the odd occasion like a birthday.

Beruthiel

ntlbell wrote:

In my exp women who think it should be 50/50 are women that don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything and THEY insist it should be 50/50 so the women that do have that kind of man can't enjoy it

I presume that the smiley indicates you are joking there?

maybe I'm in the dark ages.

If you are being serious with your comments above, I would have to say you are. If both partners are working, then I fail to see why the man would pay for everything. I'm not seeing the logic behind that.

ntlbell

How Strange wrote:

Yes, ntlbell, you are definitely in the dark ages. Do you scrape your knuckles off the ground when you are walking?

Quite honestly, as a woman, I could not go out with a guy who always insists on paying for everything. Of course its nice to be treated to dinner once in a while but woman work and in some cases earn more than their bf's so why wouldn't they pay their fair share.

Honestly, ntlbell, what kind of women are you and your friends dating? It must be a little remote area of Ireland where no-one knows any better.

Actually its quite amazing that there are men (and women) still out there that think like this :eek:

You couldn't go out with him? why? what's "wrong" with him?

No we all live in Dublin no need to be insulting.

bill_ashmount

ntlbell wrote:

Why would she be offended.

I await some womens lib, equal rights armchair psycology nonsense

Ok, put it this way, I couldn't go out with someone who never paid for stuff, it would just annoy the fu*k out of me (and not just from a monetary point of view)

ntlbell

Beruthiel wrote:

I presume that the smiley indicates you are joking there?



If you are being serious with your comments above, I would have to say you are. If both partners are working, then I fail to see why the man would pay for everything. I'm not seeing the logic behind that.

There was some truth in it.

Why does there have to be anything logical to it?

ntlbell

bill_ashmount wrote:

Ok, put it this way, I couldn't go out with someone who never paid for stuff, it would just annoy the fu*k out of me (and not just from a monetary point of view)

I wouldn't like to go out with someone with the mental attitude of I'm tight my bf's a mug and I'm not paying eithier.

But in the case of the OP HE insisted for a year now he's annoyed without even talking to her about it.

Beruthiel

ntlbell wrote:

Why does there have to be anything logical to it?

Because I cannot understand it without a bit of logic thrown in.

How Strange

what would be wrong with him? IMO he would be chauvenist and condescending. I've worked very hard to get to where I am, get respect in the area I work and and to be treated as an equal so to date a guy who pays for everything would undermine all that.

I'd bet that most women reading this would say the same.

I suppose you don't let your gf go to the bar either even in the rare occasion that she is paying? She'd give you the money and you'd go get the drinks.

ntlbell

Beruthiel wrote:

Because I cannot understand it without a bit of logic thrown in.

When at any stage are men logical? we don't do things because of logic or sense or responisiblity.

we're men!

ntlbell

How Strange wrote:

what would be wrong with him? IMO he would be chauvenist and condescending. I've worked very hard to get to where I am, get respect in the area I work and and to be treated as an equal so to date a guy who pays for everything would undermine all that.

I'd bet that most women reading this would say the same.

I suppose you don't let your gf go to the bar either even in the rare occasion that she is paying? She'd give you the money and you'd go get the drinks.

Ah here's the equal rights womens lib "i'm not a lil woman" nonsnse starts.

Of course she goes to the bar, I even ALLOW her wear skirts above her knee's and sometimes I LET her have an opinion.

think your part of the don't have that type of man brigrade so won't allow anyone else.

Knockoff Nige

I remember going out with a girl like this. Never paid for anything. Cost me a fortune. Its difficult to say anything when you really like them. But thats more early days. If you're seeing this girl for over a year then you seriously have to tell her. If yuo were going away on holiday would you pay for both?

LegacyUser

**** women's lib! The younger generations didn't ask for it yet we're stuck with it and the crap that comes along with it. Including people going on about women's lib. So what if some of the female population want a man who pays for things and spoils them rotten? I can tell you I'd much rather be at home raising the kiddies than working. Having lunch with the girls all afternoon rather than racing around during my lunch break trying to get everything done and then going home and looking after the house, cooking dinner and cleaning. And on top of that making sure I look good AND then pay for my 50%.

OP: If you can't communicate with your girlfriend about this problem then what kind of relationship do you have? Who cares if we all think you're right or wrong? You feel a certain way so you should say so. Either she agrees with you or she doesn't. Either she pulls her socks up or you put up with it. Get off your computer and participate in your relationship.

Jack B. Badd

ntlbell wrote:

meh even after 4 years she offers every single time.

I might even accept on the odd occasion like a birthday.

Condescending much? :rolleyes:

OP, I think your best bet is to sit your girlfriend down and explain to her that you think it's a bit unfair that she expects you to pay for everything. You don't have to be confrontational about it (especially if you haven't brought it up already) but let her know that you expect a bit more balance in your relationship from a financial viewpoint if nothing else.

LegacyUser

Im with my boyfriend 7 years and would rarely ever pay for anything when we go out! I dont expect it I would still offer everytime & I insist alot of the time.
Womens Lib?! It seems to be the women who are not used to being treated so well by men that always seem to object to it, jealousy perhaps? For 'How Strange' to make a comment that its to do with where you live - it seems that maybe you are in the dark ages!! Some men are generous, its the way they were brought up and know how to treat a woman. There is nothing worse than meaness in a man or woman.
I have friends that go 50/50 with their partners - thats fair enough, whatever works in your relationship. Back to the OP - if you have a problem with it, just say it to your g/friend, she might even be annoyed you havn't said it before to her.

LegacyUser

Men and Women aren't equal, they're different.

I am a successful woman in a good job, making a fair whack for someone my age. I still LOVE being with a man who treats me to everything, though this will come with the condition that I am pretty sure he is making considerably more than me and can totally afford it. Its nature, womens lib or not, men are providers, therefore I like when they provide.

However, by no means do I expect it, in my current relationship we make about the same and I probably pay for more, because I know how much I like getting treated myself, I treat him more....

I would disagree with the 50/50 rule of thumb, I think it should be relative to your income. But if the guy can well afford it and is willing to pay, that's my ideal.

Having said that, this attitude could easily land me in the same position as the OPs girlfriend, 1 year later I'm with a smashing guy, who has insisted on paying for everything, so I presumed he liked paying for everything. On top of this I liked him providing everything,even though I wouldn't have a problem paying my way. I'm just not in the habit of it now.

OP, why not say to your girlfriend - "honey, do you know what I'd love? I'd love it if you took me out for a night, it'd be fun. Could you organise something like that for us?" See how it goes from there. If you guys have to talk about it directly chances are she will be a bit put out by it, because it's going to be very difficult for you to get accross your point without making out like she's being tight, demanding and thoughtless. Though with the right loving she'll get over it....



I don't expect it, and will offer to pay, and if he's constantly declining buy him very thoughtful little presents on a regualr basis.

lochie

ntlbell wrote:

As you stated above for the best part of a year you have _insisted_ that YOU pay.

In my exp women who think it should be 50/50 are women that don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything and THEY insist it should be 50/50 so the women that do have that kind of man can't enjoy it

these women tend to be older and bitter.

I enjoy spending money on my gf dinners/drinks/shopping/flicks and I always insist on paying for everything.

I guess it's how your brought up,your circle of friends and current circumstances but no man I know would make his wife/gf pay for drinks and I see men that do this as fairly tight.

maybe I'm in the dark ages.

I'm with you on this ntlbell. I am just finished college and my boyfriend is older and working. He always insists on paying even though I offer every time but his attitude was that he wanted the good lifestyle (expensive meals out and holidays) and he wasn't going to go on his own cos I couldn't afford it.

I just started work so we will see if things will change now I do try to buy him little presents every now and again to show him I appreciate it...

Fysh

1414 wrote:

Womens Lib?! It seems to be the women who are not used to being treated so well by men that always seem to object to it, jealousy perhaps? For 'How Strange' to make a comment that its to do with where you live - it seems that maybe you are in the dark ages!! Some men are generous, its the way they were brought up and know how to treat a woman. There is nothing worse than meaness in a man or woman.

BA-HAHAHA!

Yeah, that's right, it must be the woman who wants to retain her financial independence who's in the dark ages, not the guy apparently espousing a view that women should not be expected to pay for themselves (because God bless 'em, but why should they worry about earning their own money when they can just spend their time looking pretty for us men and let us pay the bills...)

As with many other things in relationships, how you choose to handle the issue of shared expenses with your partner is going to be down to personal preferences and circumstances. Where both people have comfortable and steady incomes, there's no real reason for one to consistently pay the bills for both - but if you're both happy with it, work away. If you're not, it's a different story. There are plenty of people out there (men as much as women) to whom financial independence is an important aspect of their life, and speaking as one of them I'd be very insulted if I ended up going out with someone who insisted on paying my way all the time. That's not the case for everyone, but neither does your notion of "not paying for everything == tight-fisted" apply to everyone.

OP : As with so many other issues on PI, best way to resolve it is to sit down and talk about your situation with your GF and see if you can work out a compromise.

How Strange

1414 ...It seems to be the women who are not used to being treated so well by men that always seem to object to it, jealousy perhaps?

I personally wouldn't be jealous of a woman allowing her bf paying for her. When I see it I am amazed that in a time where women earn as much or more than men that they can sit there with a knot around their purse strings and then claim to be in an equal relationship.

For 'How Strange' to make a comment that its to do with where you live - it seems that maybe you are in the dark ages!!

1414, it was a joke, no offense intended to anyone living in any part of Ireland or anywhere else for that matter. Just as most of what ntlbell posted was to stir up a bit of fuss about who pays what.

Some men are generous, its the way they were brought up and know how to treat a woman. There is nothing worse than meaness in a man or woman.

I would hope that everyone is generous but there is a difference between being generous and being bled dry. The OP clearly isn't ok with the present situation. I agree there is nothing worse than meaness but generosity doesn't mean paying 100%. There might be another word for it but its not generosity.

You may call it chivilarous, I call it old-fashioned.

ntlbell

Jack B. Badd wrote:

Condescending much? :rolleyes:

no, this is condescending.

jack B meet sarcasam, i know your not the sharpest tool but sarcasam is wearing her big name badge today glad you can now join the rest of the class jack well done!!!

big star for you.

see the difference?

ntlbell

Fysh wrote:

BA-HAHAHA!

Yeah, that's right, it must be the woman who wants to retain her financial independence who's in the dark ages, not the guy apparently espousing a view that women should not be expected to pay for themselves (because God bless 'em, but why should they worry about earning their own money when they can just spend their time looking pretty for us men and let us pay the bills...)

As with many other things in relationships, how you choose to handle the issue of shared expenses with your partner is going to be down to personal preferences and circumstances. Where both people have comfortable and steady incomes, there's no real reason for one to consistently pay the bills for both - but if you're both happy with it, work away. If you're not, it's a different story. There are plenty of people out there (men as much as women) to whom financial independence is an important aspect of their life, and speaking as one of them I'd be very insulted if I ended up going out with someone who insisted on paying my way all the time. That's not the case for everyone, but neither does your notion of "not paying for everything == tight-fisted" apply to everyone.

OP : As with so many other issues on PI, best way to resolve it is to sit down and talk about your situation with your GF and see if you can work out a compromise.

Seem to be alot of chips on shoulders and I understand a lot of women may "think" they have a point to prove like an earlier poster telling us how hard she works and how she is respected in her job, but this has nothing to do with it.

My GF has her own house fully paid for a very well paid job etc. but all this has nothing to do with it.

You're making an assumption that I go "ah god bless her cotton socks she's a bit of a retard and can't make her own money i'll give her some pocket money"

It has nothing to do with it _nothing_

your missing a very important point in all this my GF is not DEPENDING on me for MONEY.

ntlbell

How Strange wrote:

You may call it chivilarous, I call it old-fashioned.

Something that's old-fashioned isn't always a bad thing

there's a lot of old-fashioned ways that if they were been carried out today the country wouldn't be in the shambles it is today....

spinandscribble

unreg2543 wrote:

Also, I think at times she realises she's doing it as she says stuff like "You pay for everything, I'll have to take you out to a meal sometime". Problem is she never does...

thats how my bf is :rolleyes:

also since my bf doesnt have much money and when he gets money from working he says he'll buy me this or that and insteads gets a game or saves it. i wouldnt mind but i'd prefer he wouldnt say he would.

perfectly honest i think a relationship should start as you mean to continue. mine did but finances got in the way.

LegacyUser

ntlbell wrote:

Something that's old-fashioned isn't always a bad thing

there's a lot of old-fashioned ways that if they were been carried out today the country wouldn't be in the shambles it is today....

Yes, I agree. If it weren't for these crazy women choosing to pay their way, we wouldn't be forking out tax payers money to hear Bertie lie at a tribunal/houses would be built with proper infrastructure/there would be clean hospitals/more schools/insert your own

See if women didn't make their own decisions about how they should be treated by the one they love, we wouldn't have these problems ; p

ntlbell

eh? wrote:

Yes, I agree. If it weren't for these crazy women choosing to pay their way, we wouldn't be forking out tax payers money to hear Bertie lie at a tribunal/houses would be built with proper infrastructure/there would be clean hospitals/more schools/insert your own

See if women didn't make their own decisions about how they should be treated by the one they love, we wouldn't have these problems ; p

I was referring to our general attitude toward things.

How a child speaks to a parent/elder etc.

Helping a neighbour, looking out for each other, not putting a bullet in someone for looking at us the wrong way.

ah the good aul days

LegacyUser

ntlbell wrote:

I was referring to our general attitude toward things.

How a child speaks to a parent/elder etc.

Helping a neighbour, looking out for each other, not putting a bullet in someone for looking at us the wrong way.

ah the good aul days

ntlbell, are Fine Gael giving you brown envelopes? No wonder you can be so generous with your partner ; p : )

ptashka

I am a student, my bf is a working lad. He always offers to pay, but I would rather pay myself, or let him pay and then treat him some other time. I really don't think these things should be income dependent. He might take me out for a meal, but I might take him out to the cinema. Obviously, big price difference, but it's on the same scale if you know what I mean. It's the effort, the appreciation of the gesture and mutual independence that comes into account in my eyes. I just wouldn't be comfortable letting somebody pay for me all the time. I certainly like a treat, but doesn't that imply that so does he?

CathyMoran

I think that it should depend upon income - when I first met my husband he was an undergrad and I was a postgrad (with a grant), I paid as much as possible then we went 60:40 (he paid slightly more) and for the past year as I have been on illness benefit he has paid for most things. It really depends on circumstances and your girlfriend should pay more now that she is financially secure. Personally, I love spoiling my husband and it kills me not being able to do that at the moment.

Shockin Stockin

I think the main difference is the expectation. Some women "expect" a man to pay for everything.
If a boyfriend or partner want to treat or spoil that's great, but when there is an expectation of someone picking up the tab all the time, surely thats taking someone for granted.
I know you helped her out when she was broke, but personally, I would make EVEN more of an effort to treat or spoil in return when I had a bit of cash, to show how much I appreciate the generousity.
Its about respect, not womens lib. If a man made all the effort in bed and a woman just lay there you'd say speak to her, a relationship is about give and take.
Its the same thing here.... just different currency.

Fysh

ntlbell wrote:

How a child speaks to a parent/elder etc.

Helping a neighbour, looking out for each other, not putting a bullet in someone for looking at us the wrong way.

ah the good aul days

Ah yes, those good old days. Are we talking about the ones where men were men and sheep were nervous, or the ones where everything bad was the fault of the English? Or maybe the ones when plenty of problems, such as abuse whether violent or sexual of both children and spouses went unreported because the done thing was to pretend it didn't happen? Or maybe the days when you had to be a white man of good social standing and inherited money in order to have any significant possibility of a life comparable to what plenty of us can expect today?

My point being, the good old days weren't necessarily any good as a whole. Some aspects may be preferable to today's equivalent, but on the whole I'm happiest with the good ol' days behind me, thanks all the same.

If you don't like how kids speak to their elders, take it up with the parents. They're the ones responsible, after all. You're a part of your community so if you don't like the way things are, get more involved with it. It's very easy to bitch and moan and say "wah wah wah, the olden days were better" because you don't like something. Rather harder to put forward solutions to the problems you're highlighting that don't involve reverting to the bad old days.

As for whether you pay for everything for your GF : bully for you if you do and that arrangement works for you - it's good that you both have an arrangement that works for you. However; that's not the case for everyone (as has been repeatedly attested to here), so perhaps you should consider that this might be another example of variety making the world more interesting, rather than persisting in this idea you seem to have about how we're clearly all carrying huge chips on our shoulder just because we don't agree that the man should pay for everything.

K-9

The problem seems to be the gf now has a decent jobn and still expects the bf to pay.

OP, you went out with her first when she had little money. Obviously you paid most of the time, as money wasn't a concern to you. If it was, you wouldn't have being going out with her!

Now, she has a decent job and income she feels that it's hers and not yours in anyway, shape or form. It sounds like it's hers and not to be shared. If it's a big issue, you need to bring it up.

This could mean she's an old fashioned type girl. Great if that means she cooks most of the time and enjoys it!:rolleyes: Not, if she expects it to be 50/50 in later years, on childcare, housekeeping etc. but not on finances.

If she expects you to pay all the time but also wants 50/50 on other issues, I'd be worried.

Look I've gone out with girls who worked or who had their own income. I would have made a point of paying for a meal if I invited her out. Maybe 4/5 or 3/4 of times I would have paid.

The point is the gf would have appreciated the effort I made and insisted she asked me out or paid for another meal. It's called appreciation.

On drinks, 50/50, definitely. Why not?

ntlbell

Fysh wrote:

Ah yes, those good old days. Are we talking about the ones where men were men and sheep were nervous, or the ones where everything bad was the fault of the English? Or maybe the ones when plenty of problems, such as abuse whether violent or sexual of both children and spouses went unreported because the done thing was to pretend it didn't happen? Or maybe the days when you had to be a white man of good social standing and inherited money in order to have any significant possibility of a life comparable to what plenty of us can expect today?

My point being, the good old days weren't necessarily any good as a whole. Some aspects may be preferable to today's equivalent, but on the whole I'm happiest with the good ol' days behind me, thanks all the same.

If you don't like how kids speak to their elders, take it up with the parents. They're the ones responsible, after all. You're a part of your community so if you don't like the way things are, get more involved with it. It's very easy to bitch and moan and say "wah wah wah, the olden days were better" because you don't like something. Rather harder to put forward solutions to the problems you're highlighting that don't involve reverting to the bad old days.

As for whether you pay for everything for your GF : bully for you if you do and that arrangement works for you - it's good that you both have an arrangement that works for you. However; that's not the case for everyone (as has been repeatedly attested to here), so perhaps you should consider that this might be another example of variety making the world more interesting, rather than persisting in this idea you seem to have about how we're clearly all carrying huge chips on our shoulder just because we don't agree that the man should pay for everything.

you just seem to be making noise with no real points here.

Your point:

old fashioned things are bad.

my point.

not all old fashioned things are bad.

we agree on this i assume based on "Some aspects may be preferable to today's equivalent"

then you talk a lot of nonsense agreeing with me on the above point but dribbling how i moan when there was no moaning in the first place.....

I never stated the way I do things or the way I think is the right way, nor should there be a right and wrong i'm not trying to convince people this is the way.

I merley stated i was awaiting the moronic womens lib flag to be soon branded around and it was fairly quick in coming consitency and prediciability make for a bland boring old world indeed but thanks for your contrubution!!

LegacyUser

'I haven't seen any women's lib flag on this thread. All I've seen is the majority opinion that women like to treat their partners as well as they have been treated. I wouldn't mind if a guy paid for me, but I would also like to return the favour (financially!!!....careful now!).
When I receive a gift (whether it be dinner, drinks, jewellery etc) from someone, I accept it with thanks. I would look for the same reaction if I gave a gift to a guy I was going out with. Not 'Me Tarzan, you Jane....let me get this''

Alnitak

Its all become too calculating the field of love these days, but then when was it never? Pride & Prejudice 'Any man with a good fortune must be in need of a good wife' or wasn't it something like that the first lines. Its important, I think that fiances in a relationship stay as equal as is possible, if the relationship is equal. But then as mentioned by the OP, the situation changes when one partner is not earning as much as another. In this scenario what that partner spends may drop, due to necessity and why not in order to show appreciation at this fact the other partner should show some small acts of kindness/appreciation in return, I mean cooking dinner, helping with a problem, picking them up, washing clothes etc.... If your partner OP, hasn't used their now hard earned cash to treat you back, then yes she is overly selfish and expects more from you then she is willing to give back in return. Even if she's not earning a lot now, she should still be able to purchase some things while your out and show her gratitude for how you've taken care of her the last while. I don't necessarily think we should constantly be checking if things are 50/50 in relationships (some round about middle ground is necessary though). For instance if we did this constantly we'd miss the good stuff, sometimes the old adage its the thought that counts is true, for instance a gift that holds dear memories can sometimes be worth a whole lot more then an expensive gift, just for the smile it puts on your face or the intention behind it 'to make you happy'. I think it'll be quite evident in itself whether these actions of kindness/gifts are worth their weight in gold!

Fysh

ntlbell wrote:

Your point:

old fashioned things are bad.

Ah yes, that matches 100% with what I said in my last post, doesn't it? Let's check:

Fysh wrote:

My point being, the good old days weren't necessarily any good as a whole. Some aspects may be preferable to today's equivalent

Oops...not quite the same at all. Ah well, never mind.

ntlbell wrote:

my point.

not all old fashioned things are bad.

we agree on this i assume based on "Some aspects may be preferable to today's equivalent".

then you talk a lot of nonsense agreeing with me on the above point but dribbling how i moan when there was no moaning in the first place.....

My mistake, I must remember in future that it's not moaning to claim something is a shambles, and that it wouldn't be a shambles if people had gone along with traditions/rules like they used to.

ntlbell wrote:

I never stated the way I do things or the way I think is the right way, nor should there be a right and wrong i'm not trying to convince people this is the way.

No, but you have stated that in your opinion, the only reason women would go for the option of not having the man pay for everything is if they "don't have a man who is _willing_ to pay for everything", and thus try and ruin it for those lucky wenches who do. Which is a pretty insulting and dismissive statement to make, given that the general concensus seems to be for the OP to talk to his GF about their situation and try to find something that will work for them.