Has my boyfriend gone off me?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this...

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and so far it's been great. He's very kind and considerate and I really enjoy his company. We took our first holiday together late in August and spent 2 full weeks together - we got along really well and had a great time. He had mentioned to me some months ago that he'd like me to move in with him - I'd love to - we've said that we'll do it later in the year but have never really discussed it in depth.

When we returned from holidays things got really tough for me at work. I work in a very demanding and competitive industry and my boss has always been tough to work for. When I got back to the office after our break I heard that the majority of my colleagues (more than half) had handed in their notice or already left. My boss has been in foul form and I've been at the receiving end of this. This aside, the market that I work within has become extremely competitive and the atmosphere in the office is soul destroying. Obviously I'm looking for a new job but realistically this is unlikely to happen for several months at least.

In the meantime, my boyfriend seems to have become a little distant with me. It's hard to put my finger on it but we seem to be spending less time together (by his choice more than mine) and he tends to be busy with other things when we do spend time together - like the other day, I cooked him dinner and he read the paper while eating it even though we hadn't seen each other for a few days. I've also noticed on his sky box that he's been recording and viewing adult movies when we're not together - I'm fairly open minded about this kind of thing but it appears to happen regularly - a couple of times a week.

So this is my quandry: am I just so stressed at work that I can't see things clearly or is my stress rubbing off negatively on my relationship or is my boyfriend just losing interest...

Can anyone relate to this? I'd be interested in hearing a male perspective....

Thanks

Latchy

Hi ,with the stress aspect of your job you mention and your boyfriends indifference so to speak ,would it not be possible for you to arrange a nice weekend away some place so you could talk over you worries with him and also find out what is on his mind ? Perhaps he is waiting for you to take up his offer of moving in with him and he might have the same insecurities or worries as you as yourself ? I wouldent worry to much about the adult movies to much , most men single and married view them at one time or another and it can help some with their sex life.

I know it's only basic advice but hope it helps some way , cheers

tbh

a word of warning, op. This situation is unique to you. Anyone who gives you their advice on this thread will have been coloured by their own experiences, which may not apply to your situation. Most likely, you'll end up agreeing with the analysis of the situation which most matches what you already thought. So, while I hope you get help from this thread, the best thing to do is talk to your boyfriend. We're not mind readers

Beruthiel

Has my boyfriend gone off me?

Have you asked him?

Zulu

Impossible to say.

What I can tell you is that the adult movies have nothing to do with it.

justsomebloke

well have you changed due to the stress of the job? are you now continually bitching about work and letting the stress of the job effect your relationship? maybe he distant cause you seem to prioritise your work over him, yes you maybe looking for something else but doesn't help the situation in the here and now

strawberrybox

Mabye he is just backing off a bit to give you some space untill you sort out your job situation, he knows you are under stress and is probably giving you time to sort this out without the added stress of dealing with him

hullaballoo

Worried! wrote:

Hi,

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this...

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and so far it's been great. He's very kind and considerate and I really enjoy his company. We took our first holiday together late in August and spent 2 full weeks together - we got along really well and had a great time. He had mentioned to me some months ago that he'd like me to move in with him - I'd love to - we've said that we'll do it later in the year but have never really discussed it in depth.

When we returned from holidays things got really tough for me at work. I work in a very demanding and competitive industry and my boss has always been tough to work for. When I got back to the office after our break I heard that the majority of my colleagues (more than half) had handed in their notice or already left. My boss has been in foul form and I've been at the receiving end of this. This aside, the market that I work within has become extremely competitive and the atmosphere in the office is soul destroying. Obviously I'm looking for a new job but realistically this is unlikely to happen for several months at least.

In the meantime, my boyfriend seems to have become a little distant with me. It's hard to put my finger on it but we seem to be spending less time together (by his choice more than mine) and he tends to be busy with other things when we do spend time together - like the other day, I cooked him dinner and he read the paper while eating it even though we hadn't seen each other for a few days. I've also noticed on his sky box that he's been recording and viewing adult movies when we're not together - I'm fairly open minded about this kind of thing but it appears to happen regularly - a couple of times a week.

So this is my quandry: am I just so stressed at work that I can't see things clearly or is my stress rubbing off negatively on my relationship or is my boyfriend just losing interest...

Can anyone relate to this? I'd be interested in hearing a male perspective....

Thanks

I can only suggest that you read back through your own post, because you seem to have given about as good an analysis of the situation there as can be expected.

As others have said, it's really impossible for detached persons to make a judgement call on this type of situation. You, however, seem to have answered your own question. You just need to join up some of the dots.

Beruthiel's advice is, as always, spot on: you really need to talk to your boyfriend about it.

Mullah

Here's a fairly direct question: how is life in the bedroom?

I'm only asking because I know that the absence of same makes me withdrawn and distant. I've exhibited the above characteristics because of that.

Like a welsh dwarf, its not big and its not clever. I know.

Don't all rush to judgement; its not fair and I'm aware of it, and trying to work on it, but its a undeniable fact of my life.

Maybe it is with him also.

Oryx

Just reiterating what youve already been told. Sit down with him, fold up the paper,;) and talk about whats going on. Ask him where his head is at. Noone here can tell you what hes thinking.

Apart from that, make sure youre looking after you. Your wellbeing is more important than your job, dont be your bosses' (metaphorical) punchbag.

Kurumba

Worried - someone else mentioned go on a weekend away together, I think this is a good idea.
Your bf might be just feeling relaxed with you hence he's reading the newspaper. My bf does this all of the time!! Or he watches football etc..
I wouldn't take this personally at all, he is probably just feeling relaxed in your company?
After a while the initial passion tends to fade a bit and you kind of settle in the relationship. Could be what's happening here.

I would go away for a nice weekend / night away and talk to him, he will either put your mind at ease or tell you whats bothering him, and then you will know for sure.

Good luck

jellie

Why dont you ask him? Youve noticed changed in the relationship and in him, the obvious reaction is to ask if theres something wrong. Theres all kinds of reasons why he could be acting differently but youre just presuming that the reason is you. Maybe it is, maybe it isnt, but youll just spend your time worrying about it & never knowing unless you ask him. Youve been with him over a year now, you should be able to talk to him?

Overheal

Zulu wrote:

Impossible to say.

What I can tell you is that the adult movies have nothing to do with it.

agreed: nobody gives up analog for digital, in that regard

OP: I kinda relate: anytime I talk to my mother (only because I live 3000 miles away and im still young yet - she worries) all she talks about is how stressful work is getting...

In fairness though I understand: work can be soul destroying. But the problem here is (maybe) that you're trying to heap this onto your boyfriend. You may only be looking for his comfort but for him it might be different - theres not much he can do to help you out from his POV I'd say... what am I supposed to do? Go over and left hook my Mom's boss, for being a prick? That's going to happen.

My only advice to anyone hating their job is Find A Way Out Of It. start looking Now.

Its very possible he's just lost as to how to help you - the situation may make you appear a little unapproachable, which is why he seems to be distancing himself.

Try telling him what you need: even if its just to come home to a clean house and a warm cup of coffee. Works on my Mom :rolleyes:

howaya

hi - brutal male perspective, perhaps, but on reading your post it seems that he is SO not bothered! You're under the cosh at work at the moment, yet when you cook dinner he spends it reading through the paper. If he has time on his hands for audio-visual interests, and he is at all bothered, then you'd think he'd cook you dinner.
You reported that he is a gent and that the fortnight's holiday went well. Whatever is bothering him - lose of interest in the relationship, reservations about the future, cold feet, whatever - you need him to be better at communicating it to you. Hope he shakes a leg and lets you know what's going on with him

How Strange

OP, I hear what you say about having a stressful job. I had a very stressful job before and it did impact on my private life and everyone bore the brunt of me being stressed to my eyeballs. I would say there is a direct line from coming home from hols all loved up and relaxed - you being stressed out in work/working late etc - bf distant and withdrawn.

Go do something together this weekend without drinking alcohol. Go for a long walk on Sat or Sun or do something nice together and then have a chat.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you work as a recruitment agent in the construction industry? Get the hell out of that environment, its a greedy, soul destroying industry.