critique this cover letter please

pwd

I would like opinions on the following cover letter. It is by my gf for a retail manager job.

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Retail Manager at your store. I feel I am qualified and suited to this position, given both my experience and personality.

I have worked in the retail environment for several years.Given the variety of my retail experience I am confident in my abilities to deal efficently with any situation, be it customer or staff related. Having worked in several hotels, I have much experience in Customer Relations and value greatly my inter-personal skills. Certainly my role as Captain of my local camogie team would reflect both my leadership and communication skills. Also, having worked as a tutor I feel it is invaluable to create an environment where one can relate easily to those around them.

I am highly motivated and having worked in a busy upmarket pharmacy am accustomed to working on my own initiative. My duties in said pharmacy included: Cash Operations, Merchandising, Stocktaking, Liaising with Reps, Promotions etc.

As a young woman with much retail experience I feel I am an ideal candidate for your position. I am very interested in developing my business acumen and keen to put into practice my retail experience and enthusiasm for fashion.

I am free to discuss any of the fore mentioned details at your convenience. I look forward to hearing a favourable response.

Yours sincerely,

Thanks

keefg

Looks OK apart from the "Young woman" bit. I would just put something like "experienced candidate" or just "Person".

but what do I know? I've never been a young woman

Mrs. MacGyver

I'd agree with the previous poster. It seems fine and shows that the candidate is genuinely interested and progressive in her attitude and thinking.

Kernel32

I feel I am qualified and suited to this position, given both my experience and personality.

Given my experience and personality and I am both qualified and suited for this position

You don't feel qualified, you are qualified, shows more confidence.

Having worked in several hotels, I have much experience in Customer Relations and value greatly my inter-personal skills.

I'm not really clear on what that means? What point is it trying to make? When I read it, it looks like you are saying you value your own inter-personal skills.

As a young woman with much retail experience I feel I am an ideal candidate for your position. I am very interested in developing my business acumen and keen to put into practice my retail experience and enthusiasm for fashion.

Me, me, me. A cover letter should be about what you can do for this potential employer. This particular sentence and the overall tone is more about what the job can do for you. As a business owner I want to know how you are going to increase my sales, how will employing you make my business better?

As a general comment I would divide a cover letter into three major sections. Section one, why you are the best candiate. Section two, the positive impact will you have on the business. Section three, quick reminder that you are the best candidate. Keep it business like, check spelling and grammer throughly.

That's just my 2 cents for what it's worth.

information

spelling mistake
much is not used well

Here is an opening and closing, I think is good

Opening

I wish to apply for the position of Retail Manager at your store. You will receive a large
number of applications for this position, let me outline why I feel that I would be the best
candidate for you to select.

understands their need

Closing

My proven track record and relevant experience, combined with my strong interest in
fashion would make me a productive and enthusiastic addition to your team.

Please contact me at your convenience to discuss this information in further detail, I look
forward to speaking with you.

what you give them and mentions team

Doctor DooM

I have worked in Retail as management and have interviewed many people.


The letter seems fine, but I would add that the companies focus will be on the CV, and not the letter. Experience talks.

dame

Two typos:
second para: efficiently not efficently,
last line: to discuss any of the aforementioned details not to discuss any of the fore mentioned details.

I agree with the comments about the "young woman" bit, leave that out.

The second paragraph should be streamlined a bit better. It sounds as if the person is trying too hard to show off a vocabulary that they don't normally use.

I have worked in the retail environment for several years. Given the variety of my retail experience I am confident in my abilities to deal efficiently with any situation, be it customer or staff related. Having worked in several hotels, I have much experience in Customer Relations and value greatly my inter-personal skills. Certainly my role as Captain of my local camogie team would reflect both my leadership and communication skills. Also, having worked as a tutor I feel it is invaluable to create an environment where one can relate easily to those around them.

Maybe this would work:
I have worked in a variety of retail environments for several years now and am confident that I have the ability to respond appropriately and deal effectively with any situation that may arise. I have excellent interpersonal skills and my work in several hotels has given me invaluable experience in customer relations. As captain of my local camogie team I demonstrate my leadership and communication skills, both of which are vital in a management role. Also, having worked as a tutor I understand the value of creating an inclusive environment where all are encouraged to participate and where knowledge and skills are shared and nurtured.

Kernel32 and information already gave good advice. Best of luck with the job-hunt!

digitally-yours

pwd wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Retail Manager at your store. I believe I am qualified and suited to this position, given both my experience and personality.

I have been working in the retail environment for several years.Given the variety of my retail experience I am confident in my abilities to deal efficiently with any situation, be it customer or staff related. Having worked in several hotels, I have gained experience in Customer Relations and value greatly my inter-personal skills. Certainly my role as Captain of my local camogie team would reflect both my leadership and communication skills. Also, having worked as a tutor I feel it is invaluable to create an environment where one can relate easily to those around them.

I am highly motivated and having worked in a busy upmarket pharmacy am accustomed to working on my own initiative. My duties in said pharmacy included: Cash Operations, Merchandising, Stocktaking, Liaising with Reps, Promotions etc.

As a young individual with much retail experience I feel I am an ideal candidate for your position. I am very interested in developing my business acumen and keen to put into practice my retail experience and enthusiasm for fashion.


I am free to discuss any of the fore mentioned details at your convenience. I look forward to hearing a favourable response.

Yours sincerely,

I could be wrong but i will make the above changes


BEST OF LUCK

qwertz

The second paragraph is missing a space between the first and second sentence.

pwd

Thanks for all the feedback.
She had already sent the letter when she showed it to me, so it's too late to fix typos. We put this up to learn for other applications.