My BF had an affair, he doesnt know i know

alexblondie4

Recently i found out that my boyfriend of 10years had an affair while on holidays with his friends. I found out due to his abnormal behaviour. He recently got broadband and has been on the internet every spare second he has. One sunday a couple of weeks ago i went to leave the house, he thought i was gone but i wasnt and when i went looking for him, i found him on the computer. lets just say he has a busy life and doesnt have time for the internet in the middle of the day..............so just what was he looking at.

Anyway, i told him that day that i knew he was up to something and i would find out what it was. He told me i was paranoid. So i did some snooping. I found a couple of message on his phone from a woman they were all a couple of months ago. I wasnt happy just to do that so i went snooping through his personal things and found a note, confirming that he had an affair and that he felt so guilty about it.

We were going to get engaged around the time of his faux pas!!! It was planned for some time so when it didnt happen i was quite upset and when i asked him about it he said that he needed to get things sorted in his head first.

I wont lie, sex has not been great with us in the last couple of years and he used this as the excuse for having the affair.

In the last few weeks i have suddenly realised that i dont want anyone but him, he is the love of my life, we are eachothers best friend and i know i am head over heels in love with him; but the sickness i'm feeling wont go away until i confront him. i cant eat or sleep and spend all my spare time crying.

Do i confront him and risk losing him or do i say nothing and try to block it out of my mind?

clickerquicklic

hi there if he tried to hide it he obviously doesn't want to loose you so comfront him to let him know that your no pushover, otherwise he will do it again if he thinks hes got away easy , so defo say something to him.

Beruthiel

alexblondie4 wrote:

or do i say nothing and try to block it out of my mind?

Do you think that's going to work?
Do you think this is a healthy way to behave in a relationship with someone you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with?
Are you saying that you would rather be with him, affairs and all, because you fear being alone and single?
Right now you are unhappy and miserable, your relationship sounds like it's in a shambles.
Sit him down and have a long discussion about this affair and the state of your relationship. Burying your head in the sand never makes any problem go away.

alexblondie4

the thing is that we have never gotten on better than in the last couple of months. We spoke about our relationship recently and he told me that he is 'in love with me' and wants to be with me.

i realise that you are all going to think i am in denial, but we've been through so much. 10 years is a long time. from what he wrote in his 'message to self' he is feeling really guilty. and says he wont do it again.

The Sweeper

"Message to self that I'm secretly hoping my snooping missus will find, especially since she told me that she's going to go snooping" you mean.

Tell him you know.

Then ask him what he expects you to do.

Last thing: don't ask for details. Knowledge is torture.

clickerquicklic

he said hes "in love with you" yous are together 10 years does he not say this all the time???

alexblondie4

not for a while now. yes he says 'i love you' but not the other.

clickerquicklic

ahh poor you you sound so nice hes such a looser you could do soo much better theres so many better blokes out there

CathyMoran

You need to discuss the fact that he had an affair. I would suggest relationship councelling. When I first found that my then fiance was cheating on me I did everything possible to try and keep the two of us together. I ended up hating myself as well as him. You two need to talk it through. It is OK to forgive him but he can not just do that to you again.

alexblondie4

ha ha, thanks for that. thats probably my problem. Everyone, says i'm too nice. Even my boyfriend says i'm too good to him at times!!!!!!

what can i say, i'm a fool for love

Latchy

The cricketer shane warne recently sent a flirty email to his wife instead of his bit on the side ,,,,,,,,yes she is divorcing him , just thought i would mention that ......

alexblondie4

CathyMoran wrote:

You need to discuss the fact that he had an affair. I would suggest relationship councelling. When I first found that my then fiance was cheating on me I did everything possible to try and keep the two of us together. I ended up hating myself as well as him. You two need to talk it through. It is OK to forgive him but he can not just do that to you again.

Relationship councelling is something i've thought about. Will it work though?????????

Pigletlover

alexblondie4 wrote:

I wont lie, sex has not been great with us in the last couple of years and he used this as the excuse for having the affair.

I thought he doesn't know that you know?

alexblondie4 wrote:

Do i confront him and risk losing him or do i say nothing and try to block it out of my mind?

You have to confront him about this, it is not something you can just forget about. You need to know why he did it, you said that it happened around the same time that you were planning on getting engaged - is he scared of commitment maybe? You need to find out what he wants. The fact that he had an affair in the first place suggests that he felt something was missing form your relationship. as painful as it may be, your relationship may have reun it's course. Sure, 10 years is a long time but that shouldn't even come into the equation. What you need to ask yourself is can you be happy with this man knowing that he cheated on you and tried to keep it from you? Will you ever be able to trust him?

I know what I would do if I was in your shoes, but I also know that it's easy to say what you would do when your on the outside looking in and only you can decide what the right thing to do is.

clickerquicklic

it seems to me i know you dont see it like this but lads go away on holidays and often let themselves go they like to be one of the lads again and maybe the fact that yous are together for so long he seems hes missed out on that kinda experience it'd be worse if he met someone he worked with say and built up a relatioship and then cheated id comfront him but realise its not a major thing blokes do it all the time a holiday fling is nothing if its a different country it doesn't count

Pigletlover

Sorry, I just read tho original post again - I'm assuming he said in his letter part of his reason for cheating was the sex?

alexblondie4

he doesnt know i know. i read it in his 'note to self'

i always thought i would leave too, only recently i heard of a friends boyfriend who was having an affair. and my reaction was that if it was me
, i'd be gone like a shot. but not so easy when the shoe is on 'your' foot so to speak!

CathyMoran

alexblondie4 wrote:

Relationship councelling is something i've thought about. Will it work though?????????

Well it helped us as we are now married

clickerquicklic

you are too nice you should cheat on him with me and then you'd be even, but i dunno you might find the experience to forfilling and you may find it hard to return to damien!!

by the way if i caught my partner writing notes to themselves i'd be away never mind if they cheated if they start been there own penpal id have some issues with that!!

How Strange

alexblondie4...Do i confront him and risk losing him or do i say nothing and try to block it out of my mind?

alexblondie4, imo you should try to work this one out for yourself. Talk to your friends about it and get their advice. This is a big problem for you to deal with and you've a 10 yr relationship with your bf.

No-one here knows you or your relationship. We can all give advice about what you should do but you should talk to people who know you. Some people will tell you to tell your bf and discuss it with him, others will say don't tell him. All relationships are different and what works for one couple may not work for another. You will get so much conflicting advice here that your head will spin and thats fine if you are 21 or so coming out of your first relationship or dealing with heartache for the first time but maybe not so good for someone in your position.

Yes I am aware of the irony of me giving you advice of not taking advice from strangers.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Beruthiel

clickerquicklic wrote:

but realise its not a major thing blokes do it all the time a holiday fling is nothing if its a different country it doesn't count

:rolleyes:

clickerquicklic, could you possibly use full stops and the odd comma in your comments. They are extreemly difficult to read.

Talliesin

alexblondie4 wrote:

He recently got broadband and has been on the internet every spare second he has. One sunday a couple of weeks ago i went to leave the house, he thought i was gone but i wasnt and when i went looking for him, i found him on the computer. lets just say he has a busy life and doesnt have time for the internet in the middle of the day..............so just what was he looking at.

Eh, where does this come into things?

Is it a matter of him being in contact with this person, or was it just an unconnected thing that led to you becoming concerned? In the former case then he's having and affair, which is a more serious matter than him having had one - bad things happen and you can move on from them, but bad things continuing to happen means you can't move on until it's finished.

From all that you are saying it doesn't sound like things are good between the two of you. I think you need to get a lot out on the table including this:

He cheated. You snooped (not blameworthy since you were right, but it's a bad thing that you felt you had too). You had the bad patch sexually you talked about. He's been talking about stuff he needs to sort out.

It sounds like there's a big mess there. If you don't tidy it up it'll just get messier.

alexblondie4

clickerquicklic wrote:

it seems to me i know you dont see it like this but lads go away on holidays and often let themselves go they like to be one of the lads again and maybe the fact that yous are together for so long he seems hes missed out on that kinda experience it'd be worse if he met someone he worked with say and built up a relatioship and then cheated id comfront him but realise its not a major thing blokes do it all the time a holiday fling is nothing if its a different country it doesn't count

thats very informative. so when i was away with my friends this year and i was 'persued' by a few guys i should have gone there, cause it doesnt count when its a foreign country............sorry, but i dont buy it

clickerquicklic

sorry ill try i keep forgetting for my mock english examin school i wrote a 4 page essay and the teacher came back and said thats just one big long sentence you didn't put any full stops in . i honestly dont know were to put them. sorry ill try. thanks.

clickerquicklic

i was merely stating thats what some blokes think. obviously not all people think like this. but i know alot of friends men and women who have holiday flings and then forget about it.

alexblondie4

Talliesin wrote:

Eh, where does this come into things?

Is it a matter of him being in contact with this person, or was it just an unconnected thing that led to you becoming concerned? In the former case then he's having and affair, which is a more serious matter than him having had one - bad things happen and you can move on from them, but bad things continuing to happen means you can't move on until it's finished.

From all that you are saying it doesn't sound like things are good between the two of you. I think you need to get a lot out on the table including this:

He cheated. You snooped (not blameworthy since you were right, but it's a bad thing that you felt you had too). You had the bad patch sexually you talked about. He's been talking about stuff he needs to sort out.

It sounds like there's a big mess there. If you don't tidy it up it'll just get messier.

the whole internet thing is just susspicion. i know hes not having an affair anylonger.

Latchy

The internet and mobiles are to blame for many many people flirting with others were they might otherwise not do ......speaking from expierence

SarahSassy

You need to be brave and confront him....

It may have only been sex but aside from the fact that he cheated on you, is probably still in contact with the girl, has done this in front of his friends (whom I assume know you) and suddenly cant commit its just not right after 10 years...

You deserve better, you deserve an answer and not to be a doormat who just accepts shabby treatment..... Once he has admitted it, only you can decide what you do but you really need to confront him even if it means losing him....

alexblondie4

SarahSassy wrote:

has done this in front of his friends (whom I assume know you)

thats what probably hurts the most. I always liked his friends and i thought they liked me. they are always around and we get on great. but now i'm just not bothering anymore with them

SarahSassy

Its not THEIR fault its HIS fault.... You need to face facts that HE hurt you and not blame anyone else.. Im sure his friends do like you.... They may even be disgusted with him for cheating on you... Just because they were with him when it happened does not mean they condone his behaviour. They are being his friends and standing by him.... It doe not mean they approve...

Bottom line, is that he has shown total disrespect for you and what you have together... You can be a doormat, say nothing and hope he comes around and marries you. Then you can spend the rest of your life hoping he wont cheat again or else you can face him, confront him with what you know, assess his reaction and then make an informed decision about how you should proceed.....

alexblondie4

thanks, i know you're right.

looks like i'm in for a night of confrontation................wish me luck! by the way, just being able to talk about it to anyone has really helped. my friends just wouldnt understand and would tell me to leave right now.

thanks again

SarahSassy

Best of luck Alex..... I would suggest you write some points down which you would like to get off your chest as you may forget something important in the heat of the moment....

Remember, you deserve more than someone who wont commit, can 'make a fool' of you in front of his friends and basically act like a total wanker...

You need answers and remember he should be begging for your forgiveness and not taking a high moral ground about this.... Dont take any crap from him... He is lucky he still has this chance with you. While it can work, its not always the best thing to give someone a second chance...

Fingers crossed for the best result for you.

Pigletlover

It won't be easy but you have to do it and the longer you leave it the worse it will become. Take Sarah Sassy's advice - he's the one who has done wrong here do no matter what his reason for cheating on you was, don't let him make you feel guilty. Make it clear to him that he has to be 100% honest and open both about what he has done and where he sees your relationship going. Only then can you decide whether or not you can forgive him. Friends will always say leave him but if he's truly sorry and you feel you can forgive him then that's your decision.

Best of luck, I hope you do what makes you happy, keep us posted.

LegacyUser

alexblondie4 wrote:

Recently i found out that my boyfriend of 10years had an affair while on holidays with his friends. I found out due to his abnormal behaviour. He recently got broadband and has been on the internet every spare second he has. One sunday a couple of weeks ago i went to leave the house, he thought i was gone but i wasnt and when i went looking for him, i found him on the computer. lets just say he has a busy life and doesnt have time for the internet in the middle of the day..............so just what was he looking at.

When I swapped from dial-up to broadband, I used the internet far more frequently because it was so much easier to download pages (nothing smutty honest!)

Anyway, i told him that day that i knew he was up to something and i would find out what it was.

To say this based on the 'fact' that he was using the internet more, therefore something must be up, was a bad idea. As a result, he was immediately on the defensive. To go snooping through his stuff isn't a good idea either. It's far better to talk things through. As you've mentioned, he said himself that he needed to sort his head out. Getting engaged and married are big steps, he might have gotten temporary cold feet, hence the fling. I find cheating abhorrent, but you know this guy better than I do and you've been with him ten years. I think it would be a good idea to get counselling and actually listen to each other.
Forget about confronting him, it's not a battle. Look at it for what it really is...two people taking a big (albeit nervous!) step

tritium

Poor you! TBH your boyfriend has put you in a really crappy place.

I do wonder whats with all the internet stuff now if you're sure he's not having an affair. If he only ever cheated the once and was so cut up, then surely he'd try to talk to you rather than telling you you're paranoid - i.e blaming you! and whining about the sex life in his letter to self - i.e. blaming you again! 10 years!! You've earned better than that by now!!

TBH he sounds like a spineless little manipulative weasel (met a few in my time I'm afraid), and it seems likely he's just going to play the guilt thing on you if it comes up! A lot of folks who cheat unfortunately are of a mindset that goes 'We've been together X long, I can do this on the side and I know the other half well enough to talk/ whinge/ cry/ charm /prostrate myself out of trouble if I'm caught - wash, rinse , repeat'

Do yourself and your dignity a favour and send him packing on his sorry A$$. Ignore any tears, flattery or self pitying tripe he comes up with and count yourself lucky to be free before you had made more formal committments, cause to be honest you can do a lot better!!

pretty-in-pink

I forgave a cheater, and got messed around, so I think you should lose him.
Yup it will be hard
Yup you'll get lonely etc


but that beats the alt. Once a cheater, always a cheater. GEt back to basic and get to know/love/like you. there is NO excuse for cheatings. Its a bad sign, and nobody should put up with it.

A drunken fumble....well maybe, but anything with intent? sorry, but thats just not on.

t#here is a time and place to experiment like that, its called "single" or "with permission". neither arew true in your case.

Been there, done that- you wanna talk, PM me

Zulu

This whole writing a "confession note to himself" doesn't add up. Why would anyone do that. Perhaps he wanted to get caught?
Or is it a trap to stop you snooping?
I can't understand it.

aidan24326

Zulu wrote:

This whole writing a "confession note to himself" doesn't add up. Why would anyone do that. Perhaps he wanted to get caught?
Or is it a trap to stop you snooping?
I can't understand it.

Yeah I was wondering about that too. Who the hell writes a 'confession note to self'??! Sounds like a deliberate plant, the girlfriend will find this, see that I'm sorry for being a bad boy and all will be fine. If so he sounds manipulative and calculating.

pretty-in-pink, just because you forgave someone and then got messed around doesn't mean the same will automatically happen to everyone else. You sound like the unhelpful female friend who'd immediately be egging her on to 'dump his ass' without so much as a look at the wider picture. Don't you think she ought to have a serious talk with him first? Their relationship doesn't necessarily have to be dead over this. Maybe and mabye not, but hardly as black and white as you would paint it.

Zulu

...or maybe he doesn't have to stones to break up with her and is hoping she'll do it now?

Anyway, this is pure speculation. I'd ask him why he was so fu(kin stupid as to incriminate himself.

How Strange

alexblondie4, you really need to discuss this with him. As I said before, you will get so many different opinions and advice here that your head will spin. Its great to be able to vent your anger etc and see what other people think but that the end of the day you have to do whats right for you.

I might do something completely different but that does make one right and the other wrong.

We haven't heard back from you in a couple of days. Did you have a sit down with your bf yet?

seraphimvc

hope OP is fine now.:)

Carrigart Exile

alexblondie4 wrote:

he doesnt know i know. i read it in his 'note to self'

i always thought i would leave too, only recently i heard of a friends boyfriend who was having an affair. and my reaction was that if it was me
, i'd be gone like a shot. but not so easy when the shoe is on 'your' foot so to speak!

Are you sure he is not pulling your chain because of your 'i'll find out threats'. Believe me new broadband is salivated over by all men and is not an indication of an affair. I have yet to hear of any man writing a note to self confirming an affair and his reasoning behind it unless he wanted you to find it.