Work guy or my guy????

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the advice beforehand im going unreg for this
Basically im confused ive been flirting with a guy from work and we kissed last week now i think im falling in love with him and am doubting weather my husband of 6 years is the one for me or not - i know this is crazy i just wonder weather this happens and its only lust not love you see my relationship with my husband has gone stale and i don't know weather it'll ever go back to been the way it was before im totally confused and need advice please............ Does the fact that i cheated mean that subconsiouly i dont wanna be with my husband ??? I still have really strong feelings for him even though he has cheated once in the past when we were engaged.

Gordon

wexfordgal wrote:

Does the fact that i cheated mean that subconsiouly i dont wanna be with my husband ???

What do you think?

Beruthiel

Yourself and your husband have allowed your relationship to go stale, and now because some new bloke bats his eyelids at you, you're heads a spin.
At this stage in your life, you should know better. Of course it's lust.
Now you do one of two things:
Find a new job asap and sit your husband down and discuss the state of your marriage with a view to making it better and getting that spark back - this doesn't magically happen in any long term relationship, it takes work and commitment.
Or
You finish with your husband before you even think of starting anything with this new guy.

Does the fact that i cheated mean that subconsiouly i dont wanna be with my husband ???

I donno, does it?

I still have really strong feelings for him even though he has cheated once in the past when we were engaged.

That was over 6 years ago, you went ahead and married him, yet still you bring it up here? Why is that?

Vegeta

may I ask why o why you married a man who cheated on you when you were engaged?

do you have kids?

Knockoff Nige

Why are people so feckin weak? You're married. The fact that your husband cheated on you over 6 years ago does not give you the 'free to cheat' card. You married him knowing what he had done and obviously accepted his apology. If you're not happy in your married, go to counselling. Do whatever is necessary to find out if you should be with him or not. Being with another guy is not the way to do this.

Your question is ridiculous and a total cop out.

SarahSassy

wexfordgal wrote:

relationship with my husband has gone stale and i don't know weather it'll ever go back to been the way it was before

Of course it wont if you go snogging other people. You think you are falling in love with him, but in reality you are falling in love with the excitement of a new relationship, chemistry, getting attention from a man, a clean slate with someone new.... You were unfaithful before the kiss because you have been working up to the kiss for a few weeks now....

Take a step back, take an objective look at both relationships and make a decision.

wexfordgal wrote:

I still have really strong feelings for him even though he has cheated once in the past when we were engaged.

Big red flag!!!! Why did you go ahead and marry him? If he cheated once when you were engaged he probably did it many times before he got engaged!!!! Did you love him or did you just want to get married??? I guess his infidelity has devalued your relationship and you on a certain level feel its ok to cheat on him cos he did it to you.

Jesus Wept

wexfordgal wrote:

I still have really strong feelings for him even though he has cheated once in the past when we were engaged.

Keeping score are we?

So you have both cheated on each other since your relationship began. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

How Strange

OP, this is not a pick and mix. You can't decide that today you want the work guy but tomorrow you might want your husband. YOU ARE MARRIED. I'm not married and I wouldn't describe myself as traditional per se but I know if I was I would work hard to keep the marriage alive and I would value the commitment I made.

Why did you marry this man if a) you were going to use his cheating before marriage as a voucher for you to cheat at a later stage. That seems to be what you regard it as, tit for tat. He did so I can too.

b) you just give up, say its gone stale and then fall for the first guy who mooches around you.

You don't say whether or not kids are involved but even if its just the two of you, you both gave a commitment to be together and work through the hardtimes. Relationships evolve with time. You can't be the giddy loved up young one you were when you first met. If you are after the excitement of a lustful snog etc then you shouldn't be married.

Mr. Incognito

Firstly "wheather" you should stay with your husband or not has nothing to do with a kiss with a workmate. He's NOT that great a guy. Just an excuse. The grass is always greener and all that.

"Wheather" you "weather" the storm or not depends on "whether" you are willing to grow the hell up and realise that you're supposed to be in a commited realtionship and judge that on its merits and not get carried away by one drunken kiss with a workmate. Personally I think you should come clean with your husband. Your workmate obviously knows you're married and you two deserve each other.

Talliesin

wexfordgal wrote:

Does the fact that i cheated mean that subconsiouly i dont wanna be with my husband ???

Which seems more likely:

1. That your not wanting to be with him didn't prevent you getting married and spending the next six years together?
2. That you are looking for an excuse to be unfaithful, and that sure is a handy one?

Once something is done we can only influence what happens next.

You continued to be with your husband after the cheating incident. Now, he ****ed up and either told you about it or somehow you found out (or else you wouldn't know about it). That's a pretty serious error on his part, but he undertook to behave in such a way that you could build up trust in him again and you undertook to build up that trust.

While the burden of responsibility is more heavily upon him, it was there on you also or else you should have split up there and then. If you say you are going to make a relationship work despite an incident like that, then you should do exactly as you said you will do.

Look to the actual situation in your relationship first. I won't "go back to the way it was", but maybe it can go forward to being good. And maybe it can't, but look at what you have rather than at silly notions of "the one" and whether someone else is it (you've been married for 6 years so even if you got married in the North at 16 with parental consent you can't be any younger than 22 - a good decade past having notions of "the one").

Sort that out whatever way you need. Hell, even if that means changing things so you sleep with other people and you therefore get to shag your colleague anyway, that's a far cry from just cheating. Most likely though if you do manage to make it work that won't be how you do it, but do try to put your own house in order as best you can first.

LegacyUser

'OP it sounds like u are not really cut out for a marriage type of relationship, not everyone is, even if it is the norm there are plenty of alternatives.
U are probably more suited to having your own place and independence and enjoying casual long and short term relationships.
it might be worth considering ending your marriage and setting yourself up independently and enjoying more casual relationships and more time for yourself too.'

The Sweeper

You need to take a step back and get some perspective on where you are at the moment, and take this on board:

Are you ready to be on your own?

You don't go from six years of marriage into another committed, intimate relationship with 'the guy from work'.

What actually happens is you go from six years of marriage into a turmoil of fighting and separation, followed by a few exciting snogs and possibly one night stands because you're newly single and a little rampant, followed by living alone and realising suddenly what you no longer have.

There is a huge difference between the intimacy of six years of relationship (and longer, I assume you were together before you got married!) and the excitement of a snog with someone you fancy. A lot of people declare their marriages 'over' because they don't understand quite how important the close companionship of their partner actually is to them. A marriage, while so many fail on a deficit of sex and excitement, is about far more than sex and excitement.

Your husband knows you better than your workmate. Your workmate is currently more exciting than your husband.

What will take more effort, rebuilding the intimacy and familiarity and companionship of your humdrum marriage with someone else, or working on reigniting that sexy spark with your husband?

K-9

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

You need to take a step back and get some perspective on where you are at the moment, and take this on board:

Are you ready to be on your own?

You don't go from six years of marriage into another committed, intimate relationship with 'the guy from work'.

What actually happens is you go from six years of marriage into a turmoil of fighting and separation, followed by a few exciting snogs and possibly one night stands because you're newly single and a little rampant, followed by living alone and realising suddenly what you no longer have.

There is a huge difference between the intimacy of six years of relationship (and longer, I assume you were together before you got married!) and the excitement of a snog with someone you fancy. A lot of people declare their marriages 'over' because they don't understand quite how important the close companionship of their partner actually is to them. A marriage, while so many fail on a deficit of sex and excitement, is about far more than sex and excitement.

Your husband knows you better than your workmate. Your workmate is currently more exciting than your husband.

What will take more effort, rebuilding the intimacy and familiarity and companionship of your humdrum marriage with someone else, or working on reigniting that sexy spark with your husband?

What he said! There will be consequences to going for the guy from work.

Esel

The guy from work will probably run a mile if he thinks you think he's 'the one'.

The brain chemistry while 'falling in love' is the same as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Nature plays mean tricks on us just to get us to reproduce.

[edit] change 'mate' to 'reproduce' [/edit]

Carrigart Exile

esel wrote:

The guy from work will probably run a mile if he thinks you think he's 'the one'.

The brain chemistry while 'falling in love' is the same as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Nature plays mean tricks on us just to get us to mate.

This is so true, tell the guy from work you are going to leave your husband for him and set up home with him.......I should give it 4 seconds for all of the blood to drain from his face. He wants the fun, not the responsibility.

It takes two to make things stale, if you can afford it book a durty weekend away for you and your husband.

LegacyUser

Jesus Christ, one thing is for sure, u would never want to come in here and start reading this forum if your feeling a bit insecure about anything...Sometimes you just wonder whether or not these people actually have a heart or are they actually just stupid?

My God, surely you would/should know if your relationship is stale, that the first bit of attention coming your way is going to make you feel like a million dollars? Instead of just being a cop out, would you not work on the relationship you have with your husband instead of soaking up this new founded affection...

If you think about it, the reason you cheated comes from your own insecurity...people who cheat are generally insecure. And this is a prime example of insecurity leading to cheating. You feel unloved, so you cheat.

biko

It seems the seven-year-itch (google it) start a little early sometimes.

SarahSassy

cheesedude wrote:

Sometimes you just wonder whether or not these people actually have a heart or are they actually just stupid?

The 'people' as you call them are impartial observers and commentators and no one is under any illusion when they post a topic on this forum. You take what you want from it... Some are messers but a lot of people on this forum just shoot from the hip and give advice they would like to receive..... I think you are out of order suggesting that people are heartless and / or stupid....

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote:

The 'people' as you call them are impartial observers and commentators and no one is under any illusion when they post a topic on this forum. You take what you want from it... Some are messers but a lot of people on this forum just shoot from the hip and give advice they would like to receive..... I think you are out of order suggesting that people are heartless and / or stupid....

I'm not talking about the people who give the advice because I give advice from my perspective now and again whether or not people like it or not. But I say how i feel.

I was talking about the OP in this instance who is blatantly committing adultery.

SarahSassy

Fair enough. Thanks for clarifying.

LegacyUser

No worries...and for the record, i agree with your advice in this thread not that it matters anyway

Esel

cheesedude wrote:

I was talking about the OP in this instance who is blatantly committing adultery.

Postpone the ritual stoning there, dude. The OP has, so far, only kissed this guy. Is that adultery in your book? Giving someone a dig is murder based on your 'logic'. I am interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. :rolleyes:

SarahSassy

esel wrote:

The OP has, so far, only kissed this guy. Is that adultery in your book?

Yes it is..... She may not have had sex with him but she has been emotionally and physically (even if it was only a kiss) to her husband. Unfaithful to her husband = adultery...

ircoha

cheesedude wrote:

.....
I was talking about the OP in this instance who is blatantly committing adultery.

Adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and one who is not his or her spouse.

I recall that thus far she has only kissed him, so pray tell me Cheesdude what will the charge be when she has a serious stint of horizontal jogging with 'work quy'.

LegacyUser

Wexfordgal,
All relationships have ups & down's, love & lust are two powerful emotions, but they are only two emotions, humans have so many & its difficult to manage them all all the time. Its common to become attracted to work colleagues sometimes you see them for longer periods than your spouse, family or friends, but you probably also see them in the best light, they're not under pressue to make an instant impression & can over a period of time become a good friend without too much effort, simply by being around and being friendly - just rembember they're paid to be around.
You make your own decisions in life, you should make them for the right reasons - only you can decide what those reasons are - my opinion is that you must be comfortable & honest with yourself, how you feel first thing in the morning when you wake up is usually the best time to judge, whether you want your husband or your work colleague or either of them, you only have one life - it's your responsibility to ensure you enjoy it.

K-9

esel wrote:

Postpone the ritual stoning there, dude. The OP has, so far, only kissed this guy. Is that adultery in your book? Giving someone a dig is murder based on your 'logic'. I am interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. :rolleyes:

It's in some peoples' book. See the other thread on this board. You'd really need to ask the husband for his views!:rolleyes:

Overheal

ah screw these conventional concepts of adultery and whatnot shall we? Get to the facts.

You married your husband obviously because you love him. as i understand it marriage isnt something that just stays shining and brilliant: Its silver - it tarnishes and needs regular polishing. And it sounds like both of you have let maintenance get a little lax.

Go speak with your husband. Take him out to dinner or something and have a real good heart to heart.

Esel

SarahSassy wrote:

Yes it is..... She may not have had sex with him but she has been emotionally and physically (even if it was only a kiss) to her husband. Unfaithful to her husband = adultery...

Seanies32 wrote:

It's in some peoples' book.

A bit of Alice in Wonderland in PI! A word means exactly what I want it to mean? :rolleyes:

K-9

esel wrote:

A bit of Alice in Wonderland in PI! A word means exactly what I want it to mean? :rolleyes:

. Still, ask the husband. See what he thinks! He's the one who's opinion really matters!