Worried about impact bfs family will have on our relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, am quite frustrated with a situation I'm going through at the moment so thought I'd see what people thought. Sorry if it's long, I guess I'm jsut getting it out of my system.

My bf is from Australia and his step-sister (who is 16) is visiting at the moment. She's come over to us because she's had a few incidents at home, drinking and blacking out and the like. She's from a small town and is very sheltered, she's basically fallen in with a bad crowd so we thought seeing a bit more of the world might help. When she was younger she had a stroke and had to have an operation on her barin so she can be a bit irrational etc.

Because she was sick she has been incredibly spoiled at home. Her mother (my bfs step-mum) does everything for her. She just sits there and everything is brought to her. She's also extremely fussy and wants things cooked a certain way etc (example standing over me while I cook saying i can't eat onions like that, chop them smaller). Basically me and my bf won't tolerate this and tell her to get things herself and do things herself which you can see she doesn't like. Once she has to do things for herself she isn't as fussy. She asks questions all the time like little children so because she's never been taught how to think for herself. She also is constantly complaining about everything we do for her. I'm finding this difficult because she is 16 and acts like she is 11 (this is a product of being spoiled) and also because we have given up a lot to have her over, my bf has taken two weeks unpaid leave off work so we're broke, plus he's spending a fortune on her, we also had to cancel a holiday we had booked as we had to use the holiday days to take off work to look after her. I'm going mad at home but at least she's leaving in a week.

The main problem is that we're moving to Oz in a few months. My bfs father wants to help us buy a house but we discovered his plan is to have my bfs sister move in with us when she goes to university. Now neither myself and my bf are having any of this but I'm getting worried that he'll change his mind. Also, his parents live 3 hours from the university town so even if she doesn't liev with us we'll be expected to be there all the time and we'll be constantly getting phone calls from them and her. When I get upset about his siters selfishness or ungratefulness he says you know this is what it'll be like when we move to Oz. His parents and sister will be over all the time. He says he doesn't like the kind of person he is around his sister because she is so difficult. I don't like the kind of person he is either, or the kind of person i am. I'm just worried his family are going to make things difficult for us. I haven't met his parents but I can't imagine liking the kind of people who would bring a child up the way they've brought up his step sister. I'm happy enough to help him and his family and I was really excited about her coming over but I just don't think I'm going to be able to do it.

Does anybody else have experience with just not liking your other halfs family, or of them severely impacting on your lives? I've talked to my bf about it and he understands I'm finding it difficult, however like most people there is only so far you can go when criticizing someones family so I can't discuss it fully. It's put a lot of strain on us as a couple and when we move down under I'll only have him so it's going to be even more difficult.

How Strange

OP, that's an akward family situation. I think you have to have a good long chat with your bf about the sister moving in with you and be honest with him. That way hopefully the two of you will be on the same page when you move to Oz. I'd say that if she starts her messing then she has to leave and he has to support you on it. Lay down rules and make sure that her and her parents know that if she crosses the boundary then she has to look after herself. Otherwise you are going to find yourself completely miserable in a foreign country with no backup.

I wouldn't judge the parents on how they have treated this daughter. She was a sick child and they were over protective ever since.

But I would speak to your bf about it and try to come to an agreement on how his sister has to behave if she lives with you. As long as you approach it from a logical perspective and don't get personal then he shouldn't see it as criticising his family.

di11on

Buy a studio!

Seriosuly!

If you have a spare room - she WILL be in it. My family is difficult enough and I do my best to spare my other half the worst of it, but it's my family and I will always feel obliged to pander to them a minimal amount.

Your bf will have the best intentions but it will be so difficult for him when he's over there and the emotional pressure is piled on.

It's a hard one. I'm in nearly the opposite place - too close to my family now and want to move to another hemisphere!!!

WindSock

Do you have to live in the city that her Uni is in? I mean, Oz is a big place...
Hopefully she will get a bit of cop on when she is out in the real world, but she is only 16. Her parents only want the best for her, I doubt they are bad people, they also brought up your boyfriend, so they musn't have done much of a bad job. What kind of a relationship does he have with his Dad and Step Mum? If he is on speaking terms, perhaps suggest to him that he makes it clear neither of you want a 16 year old student living in your house, but you are both there to look out for her. You could always start being a bitch to her too, so she doesnt want to live with you

LegacyUser

My bf wants to live in this town because that's where he went to uni, all his friends are there and it's where he feels at home. He isn't that close to his parents, because of his step sister he left home as early as possible and tries not to go back for too long. I think one of the reasons she wants to go to this uni is because she knows we'll be there and she can treat us like her parents and not really have to leave home, even if she lives on campus. I think her parents are so overprotective that they feel the same, she can just lean on us all the time, including for money, we're both already seriously out of pocket with no thanks from her or his parents. I'm fairly sure that she won't live with us but my worry is if she's living in the same town as us and her parents know that we'll be expected to look after her, regardless of the impact it has on us. My bf has told us that will be the case. I didn't think she'd be as bad as he said but she's worse! I don't mind being there for someone but she's so ungrateful and I'm so softhearted that I know we'll get taken advantage of. I'm sure she knows I'm not thrilled at her behaviour because I've got progressively less nice! i don't think she'll live with us but it will still be incredibly difficult. As for his parents, after his mum died he was raised by his grandmother so he just so different to his dad and step mum. I'm just getting less and less excited about moving away because I don't want his family to expect too much of us. She's incredibly difficult and we already get worried phone calls all times of the night askin my bf what to do about her. imagine if we lived three hours away! They just expect him to do a lot for them, and by extension me to do a lot. I just think it will have a very bad effect on us, and i don't think that's fair. I'm going to talk to my bf again tonight and outline my concerns, he knows something is wrong because I've been very quiet the last few days.

Miss Fluff

OP, not to put too fine a point on it here, but this is a mere aperitivo to the life that awaits you in Oz unless you come to some kind of agreement with all parties involved before you proceed with moving.

The sister obviously suffered a brain injury, does she actually receive any specialist care? OK, I'm not going to go down the route of amateur diagnostics here but by the same token she does sound like she needs professional help and I don't think it's fair that you have to shoulder some of that burden.

If you are going to go ahead with the move you need to set very clear boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate, otherwise she will make life for you a nightmare.

Beruthiel

OP
I would not even consider packing a bag until you have laid out some very clear decisions with your b/f. I would be telling him that I'm going no where unless ye have both come to the same agreement, and if it changes once ye arrive you'll be turning right round and coming back.

You say his Da was going to help you buy a house just so he could fob his daughter off on ye. Well, refuse the money and buy a smaller place, you'll manage like the rest of us do without the help. Rent if you have to, because money that comes with strings will never be paid back.

This is his daughter, he has brought her up spoilt and now must live with the consequences of this. He has a cheek to expect you to do this because he can't handle her anymore.
Mostly, I think it exceedingly unfair that this pressure should be put on ye, the girl has parents and they are not you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everybody! I was a bit worried that I was being a bit selfish but I agree, his family raised her this way and I don't think it's fair that we have to deal with it. I don't think she's really sick anymore but emotionally, because of being spoiled she's about 5 years behind what she should be. I had a big conversation with my bf last night and he kept saying he didn't think that we would be expected to deal with all her problems, that I don't know him when he's at home, he distances himself. We argued back and forth for a while and i just kept saying I see it happen. Anyway, he went off the the sitting room to think about it for a while. He came back and said "I don't think we'll be taken advantage of and be expected to be her parents while she's at uni, but if it does and you tell me that it's happening I'll listen to you because you come first" I obviously burst in to tears at this bit! I think that's the best thing I could have heard in the situation, he's very aware of my concerns and says he won't let it get that way, if it does we'll do something about it. He also said, which I hadn't realised he was thinking is that the reason she isn't getting to him this week is that he doesn't care any more. He felt guilty for being so far from home and getting panicked phone calls and thought he could help her by showing her our lives here and how well we're both doing but he says he can see that she's beyond our help. Nothing registers with her and he's just looking forward to her going home now (another week). So I guess we're on the same wavelength. I didn't think he'd think this either but they're not related by blood so he finds it more difficult. Miss Fluff: I actually think she's pretty much recovered from her brain injury, she's just treated like a baby and like she is still ill so her emotional development is stunted at about 11. She's then getting in to situations that normal 16 years olds are able to handle but she's not, so she does dangerous stupid things, the same as a child would if he/she was in adult situations. Then her parents keep a tighter rein on her and she doesn't develop anymore. It's a vicious circle.

As for her living with us, my bf said never going to happen, not in a million years so I think my concerns have been alleviated a little bit. It'll be at the back of my mind a bit for the next few months but I'm pretty sure we'll be on the same side about it all.

Mr. Incognito

Why are you continuing the tradition of spoiling her. If someone stood over me whilst I was chopping onions I'd give them the knife and say here, show me. You can housetrain her you know.

LegacyUser

SetantaL wrote:

Why are you continuing the tradition of spoiling her. If someone stood over me whilst I was chopping onions I'd give them the knife and say here, show me. You can housetrain her you know.

We're constantly telling her to do things for herself. We just won't tolerate running around after her. You'd think she'd have got the message by now but she still expects us the be her parents and do everything for her, like she's a child. She also constantly refers to herself as a child as in "i can't, /I'm only a child or "I'm only a little girl" even though she's 16. I did hand her the knife and told her to do it herself, then she said no it's ok It'll be ok and stormed. She's used to people doing what she says so she gets stroppy if we don't. It's making being at home difficult. I'm actually looking forward to coming to work! I'm going out with my friends tomorrow night and I know she'll be expected to be taken, and paid for, (even though her parents gave her a lot of spending money) but I need a night of peace! Although, I feel sorry for my bf, he's spending all day with her and needs a break more. I'm sure you can tell from my posts how frustrated I am.