Boyfriend suffering from depression

brokensoul

Boyf recently diagnosed with depression. He is on medication, which he thinks is helping but he seems really tired and spaced out all the time.

Basically, im just walking on egg shells around him. Our sex life has gone to zero, but i dont want to cause an issue as i dont want to make him feel guilty.

Likewise i dont want to be constantly be asking him how he is feeling etc in case im bugging him.

I love him to bits, i m just very unsure as to how to act around him at the moment.

Advice would be great...

surhythms

Medication for Depression can decrease your libido significantly. If your boyfriends feelings are being maybe "numbed" by the medication it is also nearly certain so will his libido.

Depression is a difficult thing to talk about but the best thing you can do is let him know that you are they for him and if he wants to talk he will talk. Does he see a psychotherapist/counsellor? It is great to talk to friends and family about problems but someone outside your circle can be great aswell as it actually puts thoughts into action. try www.iacp.ie that will give you a list of psychotherapist /counsellors.

Also does your boyfriend usually talk about his problems? SOmetimes if we push someone they retalliate.

microgirl

Actual website is www.irish-counselling.ie

Marksie

Find a professional to talk to yourself or together.
If you understand what is happening to him, you will have a greater understanding in the realtionship as a whole.
This charter has a whole series of addresses.
Most importantly talk to your boyfriend and keep communication going, it will help your understanding of what he is going through and whats happening.

brokensoul

Marksie wrote:

Find a professional to talk to yourself or together.
If you understand what is happening to him, you will have a greater understanding in the realtionship as a whole.
This charter has a whole series of addresses.
Most importantly talk to your boyfriend and keep communication going, it will help your understanding of what he is going through and whats happening.

He has just started counselling but he has only had one session to date. We have spoken a bit about it but i guess i dont want to tell him that i feel scared and vunerable etc cos he has enough on his plate at the moment without worrying about me.

red_ice

How is your social life? (if you dont mind me asking).. does your bf get any freedom from the relationship? Im not saying its your fault in anyway at all. However, depression can be caused from repitition of a daily routine.

Try get him into a new sport, or get him involved in a hobby, something that will pass the time. Get into a gym - i find that assessing sadness can turn it into anger and burning it off with a tiring activity works a treat for me and it can be really refreshing. The best thing i've ever done to cope with depression(on a very small scale) was learning instrument.

All of the above posts are great advice, but in the mean time, keep him active, give him a surprise of a gift that you think he might be interested in. Trust me, that stuff helps and it shows you care (yea its material, but its something that when your not around he can associate with you)

Affection does help, but its expected from a relationship, after a while it can sometimes add to the repitition. Break the cycle of every day life and do stuff!

guiser

This is a really difficult situation for you as well as your boyfriend. You have to look after yourself - depression can be incredibly isolating, the eggshells you speak of create an auror of tension around you and the impact on you, and your relationship, can be destructive. Too many studies have shown that a depressive's partner can become depressed themselves. It makes sense: you are going through a difficult time, yet you feel you cannot share your worries and vulnerabilities with the person who you are closest to. You really need to look after yourself.

Previous posters have suggested counselling for you and your boyfriend. Do think about it for yourself - if for nothing else, to have a space in which you can vent your feelings about this with someone who understands the dynamic of depression. You need to maintain your own reserves of strength, and while it isn't impossible to do this on your own, getting help can't hurt.

I found two books helpful. "Living with the Black Dog" by Caroline Carr is specifically about coping with a partner's depression. It's a little simplistic but is reassuring. Caroline Carr was interviewed by BBC Radio 4 - you can listen to the interview at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/01/2007_08_tue.shtml The other book is Lewis Wolpert's "Malignant Sadness, the Anatomy of Sadness" which is well written, accessible and not at all glib. I found it useful just to get a handle on what depression is, to understand something of the language of it, to be able to ask the right questions and to detach and not overanalyse my own behaviour or blame myself for saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I hope you as a couple you find a way to support each other in this, and at the moments you can't support each other, develop strong mechanisms to support yourselves as individuals. I really hope things start falling into place for you soon.

brokensoul

guiser wrote:

This is a really difficult situation for you as well as your boyfriend. You have to look after yourself - depression can be incredibly isolating, the eggshells you speak of create an auror of tension around you and the impact on you, and your relationship, can be destructive. Too many studies have shown that a depressive's partner can become depressed themselves. It makes sense: you are going through a difficult time, yet you feel you cannot share your worries and vulnerabilities with the person who you are closest to. You really need to look after yourself.

Previous posters have suggested counselling for you and your boyfriend. Do think about it for yourself - if for nothing else, to have a space in which you can vent your feelings about this with someone who understands the dynamic of depression. You need to maintain your own reserves of strength, and while it isn't impossible to do this on your own, getting help can't hurt.

I found two books helpful. "Living with the Black Dog" by Caroline Carr is specifically about coping with a partner's depression. It's a little simplistic but is reassuring. Caroline Carr was interviewed by BBC Radio 4 - you can listen to the interview at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/01/2007_08_tue.shtml The other book is Lewis Wolpert's "Malignant Sadness, the Anatomy of Sadness" which is well written, accessible and not at all glib. I found it useful just to get a handle on what depression is, to understand something of the language of it, to be able to ask the right questions and to detach and not overanalyse my own behaviour or blame myself for saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I hope you as a couple you find a way to support each other in this, and at the moments you can't support each other, develop strong mechanisms to support yourselves as individuals. I really hope things start falling into place for you soon.

Thanks so much for the kind words - ill have a look for those books.

I actually attend a counsellor myself but maybe i need to talk to them more about this.

Talliesin

brokensoul wrote:

He has just started counselling but he has only had one session to date. We have spoken a bit about it but i guess i dont want to tell him that i feel scared and vunerable etc cos he has enough on his plate at the moment without worrying about me.

There's a balance here that isn't easy.

When one is in the worse throes of depression the last thing you need to hear is that someone else is suffering in any way. At best that just demonstrates that the world is crappy as one is feeling it is, and it is indeed worse if there's a way to link that to oneself.

On the other hand, knowing that someone cares for you and is pained for you can be helpful too.

It's also important that you don't "disappear" in the shadow of his depression; if you don't have some scope for expressing what you yourself are going through then things between you will suffer all the more because of it, possibly too much.

I think it's important therefore that you do express how you feel, but it will need a very deft touch.