Prickly situation re: friend

Red Alert

I basically have what's turned into a serious problem. Background is that a friend of mine who works with me went away for a number of months to the states and has recently returned. Before she went away we were extremely close, possibly too close, and I liked her. I didn't tell her same but some people must have known. Now fast forward to when she came back, six months later.

In the meanwhile a lot people had come and left. Many of the group she used to hang around with had moved on. She seemed to not like the new group of people here (for no real reason that I could figure out anyway) and made it known that she would prefer me and her to hang around on our own. I wasn't happy about doing that and gently made that point over a period of time - I still kept making sure she was texted/MSN'd for lunch or whatnot and she'd usually come.

One night I actually just said to her basically - what's the real deal with us? And she said none, but wasn't direct about it. She said things like she was confused etc.

She asked me on at least one occasion to lie for her about something that really I had nothing to do with in the first place. She made up an excuse about why she wasn't going to something and wanted me to in some way confirm it to a few people I was friends with. I avoided the topic with these people rather than tell a lie, which is something in hindsight that I wouldn't have done - I should have told her that it had nothing to do with me and I didn't want to know about it. What happened then was quite predictable - one of the others figured out the lie anyway, however my friend then decided that I must have blabbed it even though I didn't. She made a big deal out of something that I wasn't even responsible for in the first place.

Today however she accused me of being 'provocative'. This entire thing stemmed from the fact that I sent her a text asking if she would like to come to lunch with the people from my department. Simple question, but apparently the fact I didn't walk an extra 2 minutes to and from my desk to MSN was unacceptable to her. Quite frankly that was just unwarranted in my opinion. I wasn't given the chance to reply because she stormed off.

I'd be a fool to think the dynamic wouldn't change after I asked her out. However I feel like she basically wants me to be her minder, and I'm unhappy with this on a number of levels. She seems to have me down as a quasi boyfriend even though she has decided that isn't to be the case. However once anything happens it seems to be my fault.

Do you think that I've behaved reasonably and/or is the situation salvageable or indeed should I try to? I also do not want this situation to be unpleasant for people I work with either.

delta_bravo

It depends if you still are into her or not. If you dont have any feelings for her you can slowly drift away and spend less time with her after she appears to angry at you.

tbh

Red Alert wrote:

Do you think that I've behaved reasonably

absolutely, yes.

should I try to?

no. It sounds like she has her own issues, and wants to make them your issues as well. Is she important enough to compromise your principals?

Balmed Out

I cant understand women either

The_Conductor

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus......
We're alien races to each other.
Accept that it takes a marathon exercise to understand the other sex.
Do you want to make the effort- if so, off you go. If you're not into her anymore and would rather move on- do so.

Yes, her behaviour was at best erratic- at worst rude- but she could be having a bad day, or something else could have led to her outburst- sometimes its best to not question these things.

Women are weird and wonderful creatures- but by god, understanding them at times takes so much effort!

franksm

Give her space, dude.

She's probably out of sorts trying to get back into the Irish way of things or missing some of the life she had over in the States - if you give her space, it'll sort out things one way or another which is better than the "no man's land" it is at the moment.

Maybe drop her an email once a week or so telling her what you were up to on the previous weekend, or whatever, and leave an open ended invite like "... and I'll be doing that cliffwalk between Bray and Greystones again next weekend, if you want to come with me..." kind of thing.

"No pressure" I think is the way to go.

Beruthiel

Red Alert wrote:

Today however she accused me of being 'provocative'. This entire thing stemmed from the fact that I sent her a text asking if she would like to come to lunch with the people from my department. Simple question, but apparently the fact I didn't walk an extra 2 minutes to and from my desk to MSN was unacceptable to her. Quite frankly that was just unwarranted in my opinion. I wasn't given the chance to reply because she stormed off.

My take from the above - she's overly sensitive towards you. A woman is only overly sensitive with a man when there is 'something' there. ie - if ye were just mates, nothing you say or do would be taken any other way than at face value.
However when emotions and feelings come into it everything changes, what you say and do matters - if she is telling you there's nothing going on with ye, she's lying through her back teeth. Perhaps it's the fact you asked her out and she said no and now doesn't know how to act around you. Perhaps she regrets saying no.
If you wish to continue a relationship with her, whatever that may be - I'd ask her straight out to be totally honest about what's going on in her head as you haven't a clue and she's acting strange. See what she has to say and take it from there.

tis not rocket science lads

LegacyUser

Cool off a bit. You're going out of your way to please someone who's almost taking advantage. Make an effort to make less effort, (!) and she'll realise she has to make more.

Phantron

The only thing you've done wrong is acted like a tagalong boyfriend. There are a lot of women out there who want the perks of a boyfriend without the hassle of intimacy. Be a friend, not a servant. Don't carry her books to class or nuffin. She needs to be told that your life doesn't revolve around her.

missmatty

You sound like a decent reasonable person and you behaved perfectly correctly. Now her.... I'm a girl and I'm not sure what she's at. However she had no right to call you 'provocative' cos you 'only' texted her about lunch, like wtf?

She sounds a bit odd/mad/possessive. It's perfectly ok for you to want to go for lunch with your workmates. Maybe she thought you spent your time pining for her when she was in the states? She said nothing was going on between you so she's gotta suck it up. Did you ask her out properly and she declined? If so i'd agree with the pseudo-boyf with the benefits theory that someone else there put across.

Why do women like that make lads think we're all nuts.....honestly we're not!

henessjon

if you fancy her ask her out


if you dont tell her to f*** off

easy

Overheal

Well I know that when I was younger and I would re-visit homebase (the States) I would get depressed when I discovered all the changes...even just new stuff getting built or more so when the social-state changed - I lost all of my standing friends back in the states; everytime i go back theres always people coming and going, etc. etc. It can amount to stress sometimes.

Its possible she's just having a bad time adjusting to what she missed, or, what she left in the States. But take it from me - that place is more evil than good either way its best to let her process her new situation. If you get the chance you might try asking what she did in the USA, etc. but don't press the matter.