Girlfriend is changing

LegacyUser

My first time posting here, and I'm not even sure if there is a problem.

Here's the background. I've been with a girl for just over 4 years. We've a house together and we're getting married next August.

In the past we've gone long periods (maybe a couple of months) without sex, much to my annoyance. We talked about it a few times and she basically said she didn't feel sexy (she considered herself overweight) and she was tired a lot etc etc. It invariably ended up with her crying and me consoling her and telling her that I love her. (While secretly being very frustrated) I tried to build her confidence, and I did genuinely find her attractive. I tried to be as understanding as possible but I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong in asking for sex (don't worry I didn't put it that crudely)

Recently she's lost a fair bit of weight and, to put it bluntly, become a lot hotter. True to her word she has become a lot more proactive sexually and we're having great sex on a very regular basis (4/5 times a week). She's started to dress far sexier and where before she may have went to work dressed ultra casually she now wears nice heels and tops that show her ample cleavage.

Now here's my problem. I've started to think she's cheating on me. At least I've got some inkling that something is happening. She's recently become friends with a girl in her work who is very promiscuos. My gf has told me of certain tales about her friend and tbh the thought of my gf going on a night out with this girl terrifies me (the other girl is single, but "sees" about 3/4 blokes occasionally. She's also fond of one night stands). Note her colleague is single, and I'm trying not to judge her and ordinarily I'd say good luck to her and I hope she enjoys her nights out. My gf has also become more secretative (eg walking out of the room to take a call) and started to go out more without me. By accident I read an e-mail she sent to her sister saying that on a recent night out she had "never been chatted up or groped as much in her life" and she put a couple of winks and smiles in there.

My question is; am I being a paranoid idiot, or does it seem like something is up? I don't want to harm our relationship by asking her directly and I don't want to snoop on her phone/e-mail either. Her new found confidence may simply as a result of her new bodyshape and tbh I really hope that’s the case. If that is the case, is there anything I can do to stop my insecurities from wrecking the relationship?

Cheers, confused in Galway

tinkerbell

I think there's a place and time for dressing sexy and showing "ample cleavage" and work is NOT one of them unless she's trying to impress someone.

I think if she's become secretive and all that then you should probably be worried. I don't think that's a result of her new bodyshape. Also saying that she's never been groped so much in her life is very dodgy.

I suggest you talk to her about things because it might be nothing but you never know

How Strange

OP, I can't say for definite because I don't know the full details of your story, only you know that, but it sounds to me like a very typical scenario.

Your gf lost loads of weight, looks great, her confidence has improved as a result and she is getting loads of male attention because of it. It has also given her a new lease of life. And all this has left you feeling insecure because you are the same person you always were.

You are also seeing that there is competition for your gf and that changes the dynamic of your relationship as previously you had to reassure her that she was attractive both physicall and sexually. Now she doesn't need your reassurance because she knows it.

I think you have to put your insecurities aside and trust her. Her secretive conversations could just be to the girl in work. We girls do that when we want to have a chat with our friends; we go off to a quiet room so we can talk freely.

Maybe you should start arranging nights out for the two of you at the weekends. Arrange weekends away and nights out with friends. Whatever but start doing things again as a couple because you seem to be passively accepting that she is creating a social life that doesn't include you.

And while you may trust her implicilty and she might be totally devoted to you I don't think it is a good idea for one partner to have a totally separate social life. By that I mean going out regularly clubbing etc because that will just alienate you from each other. She can have her nights out with this work friend once a month or twice a month but if a pattern of every Friday night develops it will be hard to get her to think of spending time with you on that night.

The_Conductor

In short- yes you are being paranoid.
Its great that your fiance is getting out more and is happier with herself and her figure. Women love to be admired, and will show themselves off- this does not mean that anything whatsoever is happening.

It is a bit unusual showing off cleavage in work- its a bit strange tbh.

Instead of harbouring insecurities and wondering the whole time whats happening- sit down and talk to her. You do plan and getting married next August- so if she is to be your life partner you need to be able to talk and discuss matters with each other.

Its entirely possible that she is simply proud of her new figure and enjoying showing it off- so be very careful about how you approach this. Her promiscious friend is another matter- but its entirely possible that your fiance may simply be a stabilising influence on her- rather than it being the other way around.

Be careful- you do not want to burn bridges, even unintentionally.

S.

Dodge

tinkerbell wrote:

I think there's a place and time for dressing sexy and showing "ample cleavage" and work is NOT one of them unless she's trying to impress someone.

He said "sexier", not sexy. if for example she used to wear runners and tracksuits, and now she wears boots, jeans and a nice top; that maybe sexier, buts it still standard work wear in a casual office

Also saying that she's never been groped so much in her life is very dodgy.

Agree with this. Does she normally use smillies etc? My reading of that line is that she liked the attention. I presume that if she shared that fact with her sister, she'd probably also tell her if it was more than just some random drunks chatting her up and trying to paw her

OP, has your SO many other female friends and does she go out regularly with them? Have you met her new workfriend or are you basing it your opinions on what your SO told you. If she was cheating on you, or going out to "experiment" with her new friend, she probably wouldn't be telling you how promiscuos her new friend is.

As ever talking is the only way to sort it out, and surely her new found confidence should ensure she's strong enough to talk about it

NextSteps

Why not go along with her on some of the nights out? Or most of them?

AckwelFoley

Its hard to judge when i dont knoe her or you, but i dont think you are wrong to be suspicious.

I would confront her on the issue before you get married.

Dreamer 7

Hi Op

You are being a little paranoid at the mo coz you have very little to go on. I have lived with a guy for the past 8 years who has always been worried that I will run off on him, esp when I lost my baby weight.
Be careful how you approach it as I find listening to him go on like this very tiresome and not at all funloving and happy , the way I was feeling.

Go out with her more , show her you appreciate her and if she insists on going out with this pal you can't stop her. Just because her pal does it doesn't mean she will.
And i hate to say this though.................... if she is in the mind for a bit of strange..the is very little you can do to stop her:(

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

just a couple of clarifying points; Her "sexy" workwear isn't all that sexy. As dodge states its more like boots, jeans and a top/blouse than anything remotely "slutty". I said ample cleavage, but the tops she wears to work aren't specifically designed to show it off or anything. Its more that some may have a v neck than anything.

We do go out together but I also play football, and occasionally go out for drinks with the football lads (never clubbing and usually home by 12). She has a couple of close friends but most of her girlfriends are the SOs of my friends (if that makes sense). She has in the past lamented this fact, as I have quite a large circle of friends. I don't want to try and stop her having her own friends, and wouldn't begrudge her the odd night out (its not even a weekly thing in all honesty)

Ridiculously I think its her increased sexual appetite that worries me most. To use a crude phrase again, she's gone from 0 to 60 in no time.

Thanks particularly to How Strange for giving the female perspective. Seems very straightforward when I read it like that

ntlbell

Dreamer 7 wrote:

And i hate to say this though.................... if she is in the mind for a bit of strange..the is very little you can do to stop her:(

This is the important bit no matter what you do at the end of the day if she's going to do the bold thing she's going to do it.

Knockoff Nige

When you go out with her, does she dress the same way? If she does then forget about it, its in your head. If she doesnt then ask her about it. Ask her why she's being secretive on the phone aswell. Dont got over board with the investigation.

There are so many posts on here about their partners possibly cheating on them. I think the only thing to do is ask her, if she says there is nothing up, then let it go until you know differently.

John Mason

as someone who lost a far amount of weight, the difference i felt was amazing and yes, i wanted to show it off and flirt, i just felt so confident which i hadnt done in a long time but i never cheated on my boyfriend, it never entered my head. i was just enjoying the attention

How Strange

OP, I heard this somewhere about partners cheating and I think it makes sense. When men cheat they keep having sex with their partners regardless because for men (this is a general statement on biology and nothing more!) men don't associate sex with feelings or emotions but its a physical act.

When women cheat they tend to not want to have sex with their partners because they see sex as an emotional act and if they are having an affair they withdraw emotionally from their partner.

Also, according to the health freak guru Gillian McKeith, when overweight people lose weight their libido increases. That might explain your gf's new found va va voom.

So I'd still say you are just being abit paranoid.

Mr. Presentable

What do you suppose would be her reaction to find you were chatting up and groping other women?

"never been chatted up or groped as much in her life"

Whether this was encouraged by her or not, she is in a relationship and permitting men to grope her is inappropriate. I'd say you are being paranoid, but you should go out once in a while with her and her friend, both to reassure yourself and to create a relationship with the friend so you'll understand your gf's frame of mind better.

Taking calls outside the room may be because of the TV, or because of something private to her friend.

If you genuinely think she is seeing other men, you need to keep your powder dry until you can prove it. But if you think she is, then you should accept the relationship is over, either through her infidelity or your lack of trust.

Mr. Presentable

How Strange wrote:

OP, I heard this somewhere about partners cheating and I think it makes sense. When men cheat they keep having sex with their partners regardless because for men (this is a general statement on biology and nothing more!) men don't associate sex with feelings or emotions but its a physical act.

When women cheat they tend to not want to have sex with their partners because they see sex as an emotional act and if they are having an affair they withdraw emotionally from their partner.

This is only partly true. If in an affair with another man, then yes, but if it is casual sex, then no. Many women have sex without emotional attachment - I even know a couple who have had sex with men because they didn't like the man's partner!

CathyMoran

As others have said, there is probably nothing in this. I felt far more attractive when I had lost weight and my husband benefitted Talk to her by all means (as smccarrick said) but be careful as you do not want to seem paranoid.

AckwelFoley

nipplenuts wrote:

This is only partly true. If in an affair with another man, then yes, but if it is casual sex, then no. Many women have sex without emotional attachment - I even know a couple who have had sex with men because they didn't like the man's partner!

Lets not revert bach to the 1950's and make out that women are all moral when it comes to sex and men are the animals. :P

There are many women, and i know quite a few that are happily screwing 3 men at different occasions without the need for an emotional attachment.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the help/advice people.

I'm more inclined to think I overreacted to several small things and, added to a bit of insecurity on my behalf, it built up an idea in my head.

On reflection she doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. The groping comment seems to be the worst thing she's done and and even that is down to her use of smilies. I could easily have got the wrong end of the stick there and she used a "shocked" smillie rather than a "wink" one. I don't think I'd be willing to ruin our relationship based on a fecking smillie!

In the past I've been crying out for sex so its hugely hypocritical of me to be upset that she has an icreased appetite. I'm also immensely proud of how hard she worked to get her new body and I don't want to begrudge her anything on that front.

I'll try and suss out what the story with her new mate is, as I still wouldn't trust her going out with my gf. I have this image of the friend going off with some random drunk and leaving my gf to fend for herself on the way home from a works do, but that’s probably more a protective thing than a "thinking she'll go off with some bloke" thing. I think.

I think I'll bring up a couple of related topics and try and judge her reaction before saying anything I'll regret. I think the fact I saw that e-mail I wasn't supposed to is putting me off bringing up any concerns I had. I'd hate her to think I was nosing around her mails etc

Bottom liine is that I do feel we love each other, and I should probably just grow up and accept that people change from time to time, and even if I'm not ready for the new her, I should try and be as supportive as possible. I'm pretty sure I'll reap the rewards long term (and in terms of sex I'm already reaping them)

Once again, thanks folks. It helps to get the thoughts of random strangers '

LegacyUser

'To be honest, if I found out my girlfriend was being chatted up AND "groped" on a night out I would not be impressed in the slightest. Especially with the winking sign. To be honest I would take that to mean she got off with a few blokes, maybe not full on sex but certainly a bit of a groping session. As the word states.

I don't want to worry you but it's not a good sign. And it seems obvious enought to me what she meant. If you had said all of that without including that bit about the email I would say you are being paranoid. But the email is a giveaway imo.

Good luck mate. The best thing to do is just ask her. Rather than torture yourself.'

PopeBuckfastXVI

OP,

You're in Galway? So...
"never been chatted up or groped as much in her life"
would make me think she was in CP's. It's par for the course there, kids pinching each others bottoms as they walk by and stuff. If she was in CP's and hadn't been there before or in a long time, then maybe the natural reaction would be to comment on the behaviour there to her sister.

It's probably a bit new and exciting to her, but the novelty will soon wear off.

Again I'm assuming it's CP's because the last time I was there (a few years ago now, probably) the place was full of drunken lecherous idiots, and I'd imagine the boys are pretty bad too.

If she was in a club she was probably getting random gropes from strangers when passing by, it doesn't mean she was inviting them, but still flattered anyway

spinandscribble

a girl cant stop fellas chatting her up. plus if one guy was chatting her up and she urged him on then it wouldnt have been LOADS of guys chatting her up but just the one because he'd have had his hooks in her.
this new work friend might have dirty stories to tell and your gf wants to give her opinion without the bf in the room.
i wouldnt worry about it.

Corkgirl21

I don't think the email to her sister shouldn't worry you at all!
To me, being "groped" implies randomers in clubs grabbing your ass or pinching you. Your girlfiriend just sounds like she isn't used to that attention and is probably secretly pleased that other people are finding her attractive! Don't read into a smiley face!!

Sleepy

paranoid? wrote:

Ridiculously I think its her increased sexual appetite that worries me most. To use a crude phrase again, she's gone from 0 to 60 in no time.

Fidelity aside, that would be a huge worry for me tbh. What's going to happen your sex life when she puts on some weight again? When/after she becomes pregnant/has kids? When age catches up on her? When the motivation to fit into her wedding dress has passed?

Are you only ever going to get sex when she's looking her best? Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but it's a bloody important part of it imho.

ali.c

Sleepy wrote:

Fidelity aside, that would be a huge worry for me tbh. What's going to happen your sex life when she puts on some weight again? When/after she becomes pregnant/has kids? When age catches up on her? When the motivation to fit into her wedding dress has passed?

Are you only ever going to get sex when she's looking her best? Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but it's a bloody important part of it imho.

IMHO body image is a big part of how confident girls are sexually, so her increased sex drive is most likely being driven by her increased self-confidence. I think as people get older (both men and women) that this changes somewhat, but then for me if i don't feel sexy or attractive (for whatever reason) I would be less in the mood for sex.

On the groping issue, @nipplenuts, in my experience guys grabing your ass or whatever when you are out happens and its not like they forwarn you so there is not a whole lot you can do about it tbh.

Chatting up, well it could be a guy coming over and starting to chat her up, her responding "I have a bf" end of chat up.

OP i think your right, just be supportive and try and not let your paronia run away with you too much. It seems to me that your girlfriend is really enjoying her growing self-confidence and her new look, i recommend that you enjoy them too!!!

BobTheBeat

I dont know how a lad can just go up and grab a girls arse,i'd never have the guts (or the lack of respect) to do it!

But back on track, I reckon your safe for now. Just make sure you continue to show her enough affection and attention and dont get bogged down by your suspicions. After that, there'll be no excuse for her to stray!;)

democrates

Getting married next August...

That's a big deal and I've known guys and girls who go off for one last fling before they settle down. Even if she does that it doesn't imply she's gone off the idea of getting married, but "do you take this...to be your" is a question she'll naturally give serious consideration, just like you.

Don't let yourself get taken over by suspicion or obsessed with her every move, if you do that you start to become a captor and that's in no-ones best interests. Do the pre-marriage course for definite.

You'll change in the future too, and she'll have to adjust, that's part of the deal. Be your best regardless, and enjoy your own freedom.

If there is an issue you want to broach, don't go on the accusative, simply discuss what's acceptable, after all, what's sauce for the goose...

badbrian

paranoid? wrote:

By accident I read an e-mail she sent to her sister saying that on a recent night out she had "never been chatted up or groped as much in her life"

It's natural to be terrified and paranoid if you love her but you "accidentally" looked at her email? I prefer to call a spade a spade.