How to deal with elderly Mother-in-law?

North&South

Hi Guys,
I'm pretty sure I'm posting in the right place, but I could do with some advice tonight methinks.

Hubby & I are moving over to Ireland in about 4 weeks time.... we are in our mid 40's. Hubby was adopted & was brought up as an only child. There's also no other family involved here - there's just us.
Now then, his Mum is 86 and not in the best of health, but that's OK, there are loads of folks keeping a look out for her, and we can get to her fairly fast if need be from wherever we may be thanks to cheap flights

The problem is that her hubby died 11 years ago & although we (and she) never thought for one moment it would happen, for the last 6 years, she has shared her life with a gentleman companion 1 year her junior. All very respectable, you understand & what a lovely old man he is too. It's been great hearing of their holidays abroad & their outings to organists 'do's' etc etc - except now he has been in & out of hospital for the last few weeks & she has been told today that he only has a matter of days left

She has shared in our 'Moving to Ireland' adventure with us over the last few months & is as excited as we are about it - but in the meantime, we know we'll be hotfooting it to hers, to help support her through the weeks ahead.
The biggest problem we have is that once her man has gone, I don't think she will be too far behind.
Any ideas on how we can help her come to terms with it all & 'soldier on'?
It's a bastard at that age I guess, she told me today that she's just realised she is the eldest out of all her friends - all the other 'oldies' have died already & maybe it's time for her to go too - I have absolutely no idea what to say to her!
My Mum died 3 years ago at 62, quickly & in her sleep, and I was too young when my Nan went, so this is the one area in my life that has me completely flummoxed.

Any advice welcomed - and sorry for the rambling post, my head's not quite where it should be at right now :rolleyes:

Carrigart Exile

She is facing her own mortality and its a horrid place to be. Are you thinking about asking her to come with you or are you feeling guilty about not asking her?

North&South

Carrigart Exile wrote:

She is facing her own mortality and its a horrid place to be. Are you thinking about asking her to come with you or are you feeling guilty about not asking her?

Oh, neither... we've always told her that there is no way she will ever have to go into a home - I'm an ex-nurse & quite prepared to take care of her if and when that time should come. We live across the country from her at the moment, but even when we move, we can get to her fairly swiftly.
She has a fantastic infastructure of support at the moment, in the guise of neighbours & friends... and when I say friends, blimey, she has a rota almost for her nightly phone calls & daily visits from people! Her social life is the best I've ever known!

It's knowing what to say to her about her companion, both at the moment & again in a few days/maybe weeks.
I can see her just giving up - to bury one man was hard enough for her - when that happened 11 years ago, she'd never so much as paid a bill in her life before!
I guess it's difficult because she really is 'old school' elderly - always had doors opened for her, always lived with a true gent & we couldn't believe it when she found another gent! It's just that I don't want to see her give up on life.
Yes, we would take her with us in a heartbeat, but she would be stuck in Ireland, with none of friends around her, and because she has all her marbles, that would be just as bad to her.

Oh, I don't really know HOW to handle all this, but I know I'm going to have to learn on the fly & pretty quick too.
I've already done the 'at least you two had 6 good years' and 'he's had a good innings, Mum'.... but beyond that, I'm stuck.

I am going to phone her in a bit & I'm going to try & talk to her about emotions..... maybe try & bring it to a 'woman to woman' conversation.
She can be so naive about life - even though she's seen a great deal of it! My hubby was the first person she actually knew that was divorced! It just doesn't happen in her circle. She drives us totally batty, but you know what, I don't want her to die just yet & and I certainly don't want her to die hurting from a broken heart.
I'll update later - if nothing else, just writing this out on the board is quite cathartic - it might not mean anything to everyone reading this, but I feel like I'm self-counselling here!
I hope you don't mind - it's actually very rare that I'm ever stuck with a situation, very odd feeling!

jawlie

We thought the same about my Mum when she was around 83. Thankfully, now she is 96 and still living in her own home, albeit with a little more help.

The fact that you are worried because "once her man has gone, I don't think she will be too far behind", doesn't means that she will be.

And even if she is, there is nothing you can do about it, anymore than she can prevent you dying in your sleep tonight.

The thing about life is that we are often tempted to anticipate a problem, and try to solve a problem before it happens. Of course, the problem rarely happens as we anticipate, and we waste a lot of time solving problems in the abstract which never happen.

I have often thought there is no point in solving a problem before it happens, and if I had realised that earlier in my life, I would have saved many wasted hours.

I hope you enjoy your move to ireland and I hope you husband's mum has many happy trips to your new home in the coming years.

Beruthiel

North&South wrote:

It's just that I don't want to see her give up on life.

Can I ask, what makes you think she will? I ask, because from what you have said about her, she comes across as strong and well able.
I really admire old people, they have lived for so long, through some huge life changes and have just taken it all on the chin and kept going. The ability to do that is rather impressive and though she is 86, what's to say she cannot still do it? I'm not saying it will be easy, I cannot imagine what it's like to be that age and see everyone die around you that you've loved, horribly sad.
When the time comes, all you can do is be there for her as much as possible, it's fantastic she has such a social network, many that age do not, so she will have loads of support. Other than that, I cannot see what else you can do for her.

She can be so naive about life

My partners 70 year old Ma is the very same, not a clue about so much, and yet still manages to live on her own, has a full life and many great friends.
Those little old dears are a lot stronger then we can sometimes give them credit for.

I hope you don't mind

Not at all, that's what this forum is for.

North&South

I'm probably panicking a little here, albeit unjustly, simply because I feel totally out of my depth!
Yes, she comes across as being quite a frail old dear - just don't get in her way at sale time in M & S, or when the bus finally arrives & she's at the back of a queue!

Just some of the things she 'implies' worries us a little.
She had a triple heart by-pass 6 years ago, has been diabetic all her life, has kidney problems, blood thinning problems, gout, cataracts, oh my goodness, the list is endless! But along with that, she also has pots & pots of medication - and she knows exactly what is for what, how much her dosages are, the common name and the medical name for each... in that respect, her knowledge is extensive & in the wrong frame of mind could be dangerous too.

But don't imagine that she needs a carer either - she still does all her own housework & gardening, her house is absolutely immaculate - I spend at least 2 weeks before a visit from her getting ours into shape!

It's the comments from her.. 'I don't think I want to carry on if he goes'... 'At least I have the means to die swiftly, thanks to the medication I have'... 'You two don't want to be saddled with a senile old lady'..... And they are the comments I don't know how to answer... apart from the last one of course!
We actually don't mind being saddled with her, she's our family & we'd want her with us if she couldn't live alone any more.

Anyhow, I shall call her now & chat to her, but thanks for 'listening'.... this is the nicest way for me to get my thoughts in order, I think!
Julie

Oryx

This lady may have little 'life experience' but as you say, she has seen a lot of her friends die, she has buried one partner and is about to lose another. Id say she knows more about death and grief than most of us. She sounds like an intelligent lady too, so I can see where shes coming from if she feels dying is an option. She must be only too aware of how much this will hurt.

That said, she has survived 86 years through all sorts. She must be tough. Perhaps she may say worrying things, but hopefully her will to live and her social network will pull her through. All you can do is be there as much as possible to talk, listen and help.

PS you sound like a wonderful daughter in law.

Nevyn

North&South it sounds like she is preparing you both for when she goes.
She seems sharp well aware of what she is saying and the path her life will follow
and is making the best of her situation.
She seems a hell of a woman.

Drift

North&South wrote:

It's the comments from her.. 'I don't think I want to carry on if he goes'... 'At least I have the means to die swiftly, thanks to the medication I have'... 'You two don't want to be saddled with a senile old lady'..... And they are the comments I don't know how to answer... apart from the last one of course!

My gran used to make comments like that before she died too about being her time to go and it might be aswell off, what a burden she was etc. I used never know what to say when she said things like that so I usually just laughed it off. It turns out she didn't mean a bit of it, I think it was really her way of expressing her frustration at her state of health (she wasn't the type of woman to say f*ck this for sh*t!). She lasted through a lot of ups and downs and fought till the very end despite what she used to say. I'm sure your mother in law is the same and saying these things is really only a way of releasing frustration at a situation she can't change.

All you can do is just make sure she knows you're always there for her and from what I read in your posts thats exactly what you are doing. I'm sure she knows this and realises what a lucky man her son is to have found you.

North&South

Thank you everyone - I mean it, Thank you.

I talked to her earlier & yes, she's still quite sad, (obviously) but she said she's going to hold onto the thought of her getting on a plane in Newcastle & flying across to us in Ireland to see where we've ended up & have a visit.

She's never been to Ireland, so she's looking forward to it, although she would have wanted to do the trip with John, she knows that this time was inevitable, really.

So, we just have to hope that when the time comes, he goes peacefully & she is well prepared emotionally. Anything after that, we'll deal with as & when.
Looks like we'll be very well seasoned travellers by the time we finally get to Ireland! And, just in case, I've upped the ante on the house search & am now looking at 5 bedrooms, not 3... ya know, just in case!

Thanks again everyone, I'll let you know how it all unfolds.
Julie
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