Ouch

Loki1983

Hi lads.

I'm sure this is the millionth time you've read threads like this but anyway....

Long story short.
Was going out with a girl for over 4 years. 1st two years were absolutly perfect, we never fought were madly in love and had such a great laugh tigether. After the honeymoon period I really felt like breaking up with her and started texting this girl. She was really goodlooking and my girlfriend knew I had a bit of a thing for her. Anyway was with her twice. Girlfriend found out and we broke up for a couple of months.

She begged me to get back with her and eventually against my best judgement we did.

Things became sh*t between us then. She'd constantly blow me off for her friends. She didn;t want to be seen with me in college (because I made a fool of her). Now I know what I did was terrible but she really headf*cked me for about five months and it destroyed me.

Here we go....during that time she told me about a guy who was goodlooking that hung around with her housemates. With the state I ws in, I became paranoid about him. She told me I was being stupid.

Fastforward to the next college year (i'm finished at this stage subsequently spent 3 months looking for jobs in the Limk & Cork area so I could be close to her) and she tells me she's gonna be living with this guy. It upset me but eventually I dealt with it and forgot about it. I mean he had a girlfriend of a year and a half so I thought everything was gonna be fine.

The distance became a bit of a hindrance in the relationship and it felt like it was a bit of a chore, I still loved her though.

June bank holiday weekend this year, she drops a bombshell. She wanted it to finish. I was heartbroken but twhat could I do. Apart from one text there was no contact between the two of us for three months.

Met her in a nightclub back home last Saturday night. I was with a girl and she saw that. The girl I was with said she'd leave us alone. Started talking to the ex who revealed she is now going out with the guy (who obviously dumped his girlfriend for mine) I was paranoid about (she swore she never cheated on me). It really really upset me.

Next morning she texted saying it was great that the two of us were still talking and that she'd "prefer to see me with a girlfriend than scoring randomers"!?! I said; "Not everyone can move on so quickly" to which she replied; "no one said it was easy." I said, "I'd really prefer to stay away from the rebound situation." She finished with; "Believe me, myself and **** are more than a rebound." I didn;t text her anymore.

Man this f*cking hurts and it's killing me. I never claimed to be the best boyfriend in the world but this is such a blow to my confidence and the fact this all seems so planned makes it worse. I'm a good looking fella and have a great job but I keep thinking he's better than me. I don't know how long it took for them to get together after we broke up - obviously not long. She's 21, I'm 24 and her new guy is 20 (don't know if age is relevant?). I know it's ridiculous on my behalf but I keep thinking being together forever blah blah blah.

Thanks for listening.

Phantron

Sorry for you man, but it seems what goes around comes around. You might see it as karma.

I'd forget about her. Even without the cheating element, the second time you got together she headf*cked you. And even if you got together a third time, she'd probably do it again. She doesn't sound like the kind of girl to let go, and for the text messages at the end, looks like she knows where to hit and likes to hammer it home hard.

Also, you said you lost interest her after two years, why are you crazy after her now?

Arrgh! It's wrecking my head now. If I were you, I'd stay away from her like she's radioactive.

Black Swan

Loki1983 wrote:

After the honeymoon period I really felt like breaking up with her and started texting this girl. She was really goodlooking and my girlfriend knew I had a bit of a thing for her. Anyway was with her twice. Girlfriend found out and we broke up for a couple of months.

You drifted away and cheated on her first?

keystone

Move on. It will never be as good as you might think.

m83

Do you not think you've got some major double standards mate?

It's apparently ok for you to want to hook up with someone you fancy WHILE you aleady have a girlfriend who loves you. Then after more than three months after your break up she has a new boyfriend and you're complaining?

Sounds like you don't want her but you don't want anyone else to have her either.

As far as this whole thing being planned I seriously doubt it. Jealousy and paranoia can be extremely unhealthy burdens to carry around and they will really twist your sense of whats real given half a chance.

Its tough but you'll have to face it, your relationship ran its course. It is kind of scary for young couples to read that you can have such an amazing honeymoon period and then nothing. Are you sure it was that good? Perhaps you were just loving the honeymoon period and not her.

Like the other posters have said, time to move on, you've had your fun with her but it'll never ever be as good again.

Loki1983

Phantron wrote:

Also, you said you lost interest her after two years, why are you crazy after her now?

I reckon it's the old case of what I can't have, I want. It's not the break up that's bothering me as much now. It's the fact of who's she's with. Is he better than me? Is it a rebound. Was it all planned...etc.

Anf Phantron, you're dead right on the karma man.

Phantron

Trust me, it's not planned. You go through around six months of extreme paranoia after you suffer a breakup, where you pick through your mind, join up a few totally unconnected moments and in some twisted way your mind will go 'OF COURSE...! that bitch...'

king_of_inismac

So you're in pain, good remember that feeling!

That relationship is over, and there's nothing you can do to change that. So all you can do is try to ensure that you have learned a lesson, and won't carry on making the same mistakes in your NEXT relationship.

Don't cheat, or be with someone who'd cheat on you. Develop good trust between you and your partner, and realise that no matter how much you love someone, some relationships are disfunctional and mess with your head...

Learn the lesson and move on.

best of luck!

axer

OP you got what was coming to you for fūcking around your ex. Tough shīt, next time don't treat a woman you love like shīt.

Loki1983

axer wrote:

OP you got what was coming to you for fūcking around your ex. Tough shīt, next time don't treat a woman you love like shīt.

Jesus man, no need for the hostilities. I fúcked up, I know.

Jack B. Badd

Loki1983 wrote:

Man this f*cking hurts and it's killing me. I never claimed to be the best boyfriend in the world but this is such a blow to my confidence and the fact this all seems so planned makes it worse.

You make your ex sound like some kind of criminal mastermind, dedicating months on end to building up your paranoia and then cutting you loose at the peak of it. Did you not notice her practicing her maniacal laugh in the mirror while ye were together or something?
Tbh, I doubt it was planned. If she got on well enough with the guy to move in with him and saw him everyday, whereas you didn't bother to get in contact with her for quarter of the year, no wonder they got together.
You should probably cut out the self pitying bullsh*t at this point and try your best to be happy for her. And try to accept the fact that relationships fail sometimes. It happens to most people and making it out to be "all about you" is childish and seriously self-centred...

Loki1983

Jack B. Badd wrote:

You make your ex sound like some kind of criminal mastermind, dedicating months on end to building up your paranoia and then cutting you loose at the peak of it. Did you not notice her practicing her maniacal laugh in the mirror while ye were together or something?
Tbh, I doubt it was planned. If she got on well enough with the guy to move in with him and saw him everyday, whereas you didn't bother to get in contact with her for quarter of the year, no wonder they got together.
You should probably cut out the self pitying bullsh*t at this point and try your best to be happy for her. And try to accept the fact that relationships fail sometimes. It happens to most people and making it out to be "all about you" is childish and seriously self-centred...

What do you mean get in contact with her for quarter of the year?? I rang her everyday and saw her every weekend.

Jack B. Badd

Loki1983 wrote:

What do you mean get in contact with her for quarter of the year?? I rang her everyday and saw her every weekend.

Apart from one text there was no contact between the two of us for three months.

Now maybe you sent that one text but at the same time that hardly counts as getting in contact with someone. Granted she didn't get in contact with you either but she's not the one complaining here...

Loki1983

Jack B. Badd wrote:

Now maybe you sent that one text but at the same time that hardly counts as getting in contact with someone. Granted she didn't get in contact with you either but she's not the one complaining here...

Oh sorry man, I thought you said I didn't contact her while we were going out. Totally took you up wrong. I didn't contact here because I can't be her friend right now. It's too raw. Nobody can be friends with their ex. everyone knows that.

Wibbs

Jack B. Badd wrote:

Tbh, I doubt it was planned. If she got on well enough with the guy to move in with him and saw him everyday, whereas you didn't bother to get in contact with her for quarter of the year, no wonder they got together.

Exactly. The relationship you had with her had serious issues if you jumped ship with someone else early on. You then got back together, but obviously didn't work on the problems enough. Her trust was broken and that's a hard thing to get back, especially if you don't put 100% effort into it.

As for planning on her part; if someone gets together with someone else that they know already within a very short time of a previous serious relationship ending it is planned in 99% of cases. In your case the relationship sounds like it was actually over long before it's official end and because of that I don't think her new squeeze is a rebound TBH. Rebounds are usually when the one who does the dumping hasn't come to terms with the ending of the previous relationship, has a fear of being alone and jumps to someone new, or still has feelings for the original partner but not enough at the time to keep the original relationship together. They nearly always end in tears, sometimes with them going back to the original partner or more usually finding someone completely new not connected with either. All of this does depend on the ages of the people involved too.

You should probably cut out the self pitying bullsh*t at this point and try your best to be happy for her. And try to accept the fact that relationships fail sometimes. It happens to most people and making it out to be "all about you" is childish and seriously self-centred...

I agree. If you actually loved her you would have worked harder on the reltionship, you wouldn't have copped off with another while in it and you both would have worked harder to rebuild trust. This doesn't sound like that so let her go and learn from your mistakes or you'll be doomed to repeat them.

Jack B. Badd

Loki1983 wrote:

Oh sorry man, I thought you said I didn't contact her while we were going out. Totally took you up wrong. I didn't contact here because I can't be her friend right now. It's too raw. Nobody can be friends with their ex. everyone knows that.

Yeah, but my point is that ye broke up and for a significant amount of time you had no contact with her. You weren't attempting to be friends (which you're not obliged to do), you weren't trying to win her back (presumably because you weren't interested), as far as she was concerned you essentially ceased to exist on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. So she gets herself a new boyfriend, which is perfectly natural. Even before they got together (and remember you have no evidence that they got together before ye broke up) you had ceased to be one of the focal points in her life. There's no point being put out about it. It's life. You can't realistically expect someone who doesn't see you for months on end to still pine after you. And tbh, her response to seeing you with another girl was a very mature and pleasant one Take a leaf out of her book...

DublinWriter

Loki1983 wrote:

Nobody can be friends with their ex. everyone knows that.

My three closest buddies are ex's.

Maybe I'm a freak?

Loki1983

I did ring her the week after we broke up. We were on the phone for well over an hour. We finished by telling each othre we loved each other. Then I tried to ring her the next night and she didnt pick up. I texted her and she said she shouldn't have said she loved me, she was just softening the blow. Do you understand now why I didnt contact her or try to win her back?

Look it's pointless me posting anymore. I know I took her for granted and stuff. I'm just hurt that she moved on so quickly. After four years I'm finding it hard to let go. I miss our talks and her company. I'll get over it and it's gonna take time. I do genuinly hope she's happy because I do love her.

King of Kings

DublinWriter wrote:

My three closest buddies are ex's.

Maybe I'm a freak?

'fraid so

CathyMoran

What you are going through is tough but in the end of the day you cheated on her, very few relationships can survive that.

spinandscribble

she moved on so quickly probably because she stopped loving you after you broke her heart. she missed you and thats why you got together but the truth is when trust is gone things will never be the same again. you were never friends after your breakup she didnt owe you anything. a new relationship after a breakup isnt always a rebound, my best one so far was constantly being accused as being a rebound.

sweet-rasmus

that's tough stuff. but you have to put it behind you. hopefully it won't be too long before another girl gets your attention. keep your friends close till then