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Husband & Wife

  • 14-09-2007 3:00pm
    #1
    fabsoul
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭


    During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

    We will wake the kids - 54 times

    Its too late - 15 times

    Im too tired - 42 times

    Its too early - 12 times

    Its too hot - 18 times

    Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

    The neighbors will hear - 9 times

    Headache or backache - 26 times

    Sunburn - 10 times

    Your mother will hear us - 9 times

    Not in the mood - 21 times

    Watching the late show - 17 times

    Too sore - 26 times

    New hairdo - 6 times

    Wrong time of the month - 14 times

    You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

    Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this, shall we??

    Love, Your Hubby

    To My Dearest Husband,

    I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

    Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

    Did not come home at all - 36 times

    Did not come - 21 times

    Came too soon - 38 times

    Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

    Cramps in your leg - 16 times

    Working too late - 33 times

    You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

    Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

    You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

    You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

    You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

    You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

    Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

    The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

    Love, Your Wife


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