stop contact with his ex..

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over year.
There is this girl that he used to go out with for about 2.5 years and they broke up in 2002.
There was not much contact between them since they broke up, he was heart broken when they broke up.

At christmas i saw a msg on his phone from a number (no name) saying "i hear things are going great with **** but you told me that you still had feelings for me". i didnt know who it was from, but he told me when i confronted him about it that it was from her...he said he didnt say that to her (he had met her 2 weeks previous when i wasnt out) and that he doesnt have anymore feelings for her.

A few months later we were at a wedding that she was at too. everytime i left his side she would go over to talking to him (he said she was trying to talk about their past and apologising for treating him badly) i wasnt bothered about her talking to him but but everytime i would come back she would say "oh she's back , i better go cos she wouldnt like me talking to you"...
That night she got drunk and told a friend of his that she was jealous of him and me and that she wanted him back". she rang him that night at 5 am cos she was locked out of her room and wanted his help, he justhung up and told me it was a wrong number..he told me the truth the next night after she woke us up at 2am with another phonecall asking him could he talk.

A couple of months later the txting and phonecalls at 2-4am where happening every couple of weeks, i was usually with him. eventually it stopped after he rang her and asked her to stop. She said she wouldnt go near him again when we are out.

One night she met him out when i wasnt there and she asked him how his puppy was ( i had got him one a few weeks previous) he asked her how did she know and she said "on the computer" . he didnt know what that meant, but i did...my bebo. Her friend was also out that night and she was asking my boyfriend to go back over talking to his ex cos she was mad about him and they were made for eachother.

So i found her bebo a few days later and saw messages she was sending her friend..saying he was txting her and telling her about our relationship and that she hopes he deletes the messages cos i would prob see them cos i am a "freak and a nutter"..( he had obviously told her about the msg i had seen at christmas)..
I confronted him about txting her and was very upset that he had kept it from me. i was taking all this quiet badly i was afraid of what else he was keeping from me and if i should be worried that something was happening behind my back. i started vomiting alot( a few times a day) i went to the dr and he told me it was due to stress..i told my boyfriend this and explained to him how all this was making me feel..he told me he wouldnt speak to her anymore or txt her.

But i know if he ignores her when we are out, then she will make a big deal out of it and tell his friends that i don't allow him to speak to her anymore, which will make me look bad..
am i entitled to ask him or expect him to ignore his ex to make me feel better..??
he has sworn to me that he feels nothing for her and he just didnt see anything wrong with being in contact until he saw how it made me feel.

Can someone please help me and tell me how to handle this situation..

kelly1979

my heart goes out to u, i was in a similar situation where my bf's ex was harassing us.
I feel if it is making u vomit from stress ur bf obviously knows this is distressing for u, then i would say it's ok to ask him that he not contact her. in fact he shouldnt have to be asked and he shouldnt be texting her at all.
looks like u need to be straight with ur bf and ur bf straight with u and sit down and talk everything out together.
as far as worrying about her reaction, f*** her, it's u and him in the relationship, not her, u dont need to worry how she is going to react, although things may get worse.
when this happened in my relationship, my bf changed his numbers and erased his bebo page etc. i suggest u and ur boyfriend do the same.
is she part of ur circle of friends?

LegacyUser

'we all live within a few miles of eachother.
She would still be friendly with his friends and he would be friendly with her friends, not so friendly to be ringing /txting eachother, but just a chat when out.
i have put my bebo page on private and my boyfriend doesnt have a bebo page. i dont look at her page anymore.'

channaigh

she's a freak

kelly1979

channaigh wrote:

she's a freak

agreed!! she's the psycho not u

Scoobydoobydoo

This is not good at all.
If I were you I wouldn't know whether I could trust him or not - that's not to say that he's not to be trusted, but I can imagine how this has been turning your stomach.
I would try a few things first. I would ask him to change his number, then you should soon know if they're still in touch perhaps? He should be willing to do this, because this girl is behaving like a stalker and very blatantly trying to come between you. If he is to prove to you that he doesn't want her to succeed, he should cut off all contact with her and not allow her any powers of destruction!
Also, I don't understand how you're always meeting her. If you're in the same circle of friends, I think you need to make a break in this circle somehow, because it's damaging your relationship, and it's an unhealthy situation.
Your boyfriend has the power here, he has a choice to make. But if he doesn't take action, then you have a choice to make, unfortunately.
The other thing I would suggest to you is that you have another think about the bebo thing and you need to decide whether it's really a good idea to have your personal details on the net for all to see, because it's obviously proving very useful for her.
On the other hand, maybe you could use it to your own advantage, and post things up on it that you would like her to see, even if it's rubbish!

easyontheeye

slightly off topic, but this is the reason why i hate bebo. it causes too much trouble in relationships... you cant control what other people say about you and everyone gets to see it! :mad:

Talliesin

the girlfriend wrote:

am i entitled to ask him or expect him to ignore his ex to make me feel better..??

No. However, you are entitled to expect him to handle someone playing games.

If his ex didn't wait until you left his side to talk to him, and didn't publish stuff about you then I'd say you should let it be.

However, it sounds like she's trying to make you out to be precisely the kind of freak who gets paranoid when someone talks to their ex.

Which in turn probably relates to her own tendencies to think in such paranoiac ways.

It's not a bad idea for him to reduce contact with her if she is playing such games. Avoid confrontation though, as that would feed such games better than anything.

Has he seen the bebo pages?

IRISH RAIL

This aounds all too familiar my ex had some really close male friends when i got a female friend she demanded i stop contact when i asked her to reciprocate she said ok a few weeks later she is still txting with his name changed on her phone to someone else
end result trust gone and so was I
moral of the story
get him to change his number and avoid going to places where she will be its not too much to do that for someone you love

Talliesin

IRISH RAIL wrote:

This aounds all too familiar my ex had some really close male friends when i got a female friend she demanded i stop contact

Eh. Was said female friend publishing stuff about you? Because otherwise it's completely different.

K-9

the girlfriend wrote:

A few months later we were at a wedding that she was at too. everytime i left his side she would go over to talking to him (he said she was trying to talk about their past and apologising for treating him badly) i wasnt bothered about her talking to him but but everytime i would come back she would say "oh she's back , i better go cos she wouldnt like me talking to you"...

She loves making you look the paranoid, psycho, clingy one when.....

the girlfriend wrote:

That night she got drunk and told a friend of his that she was jealous of him and me and that she wanted him back". she rang him that night at 5 am cos she was locked out of her room and wanted his help, he justhung up and told me it was a wrong number..he told me the truth the next night after she woke us up at 2am with another phonecall asking him could he talk.

A couple of months later the txting and phonecalls at 2-4am where happening every couple of weeks, i was usually with him. eventually it stopped after he rang her and asked her to stop. She said she wouldnt go near him again when we are out.

and this....

thegirlfriend wrote:

One night she met him out when i wasnt there and she asked him how his puppy was ( i had got him one a few weeks previous) he asked her how did she know and she said "on the computer" . he didnt know what that meant, but i did...my bebo.

So i found her bebo a few days later and saw messages she was sending her friend..saying he was txting her and telling her about our relationship and that she hopes he deletes the messages cos i would prob see them cos i am a "freak and a nutter"..( he had obviously told her about the msg i had seen at christmas)..

Did you tell him about her stalking you on the internet?

thegirlfriend wrote:

I confronted him about txting her and was very upset that he had kept it from me. i was taking all this quiet badly i was afraid of what else he was keeping from me and if i should be worried that something was happening behind my back. i started vomiting alot( a few times a day) i went to the dr and he told me it was due to stress..i told my boyfriend this and explained to him how all this was making me feel..he told me he wouldnt speak to her anymore or txt her.
But i know if he ignores her when we are out, then she will make a big deal out of it and tell his friends that i don't allow him to speak to her anymore, which will make me look bad..
am i entitled to ask him or expect him to ignore his ex to make me feel better..??
he has sworn to me that he feels nothing for her and he just didnt see anything wrong with being in contact until he saw how it made me feel.

Sit down and talk to him again. Maybe even show him this thread. This ex is a stalker who wants to break up your relationship. If he hasn't seen that by now....wtf?

In fairness, she's in the circle of friends, maybe he doesn't know how to react and doesn't want to break with his friends because of her which is understandable.

This girl needs to be ignored by both of you, it may get worse, but it will get better eventually. If the phone calls get worse, get him to ring the Guards! Seriously, maybe that's the hint she needs!

Wibbs

Seanies32 wrote:

This ex is a stalker who wants to break up your relationship. If he hasn't seen that by now....wtf?

That's the bit that stood out for me. He must be as dumb as a box of rocks if he doesn't see that. Either that or he's enjoying the attention in some way. Again dumb. Or there's more than meets the eye in this. Personally I'm getting the impression that we and the OP are not getting the whole of his side in this. The bit about him texting her and telling her about the OP's relationship would be one bit I'd want to explore.

In fairness, she's in the circle of friends, maybe he doesn't know how to react and doesn't want to break with his friends because of her which is understandable.

Understandable, but still a bit thick. He could very easily tell his mates what's what and clear the air with them and still leave the ex out in the cold. Not exactly rocket science.

If the phone calls get worse, get him to ring the Guards! Seriously, maybe that's the hint she needs!

A tad extreme don't ya think?

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

That's the bit that stood out for me. He must be as dumb as a box of rocks if he doesn't see that. Either that or he's enjoying the attention in some way. Again dumb. Or there's more than meets the eye in this. Personally I'm getting the impression that we and the OP are not getting the whole of his side in this. The bit about him texting her and telling her about the OP's relationship would be one bit I'd want to explore.

I think he probably was enjoying the attention from her for a while. She broke his heart and he said it made him feel good to know she wanted him back, that he didnt mind letting her know how happy we were and how single she was....
i told him what i had seen on her bebo and he was shocked. He said re: talking about our relationship...that she said to him "ye seem to be getting on great, she's a lovely girl etc..i suppose you will marry her" and he replied with "thats the plan" (we have talked about it) and she replied with "holy ****"...
My friend reckons that alot of what she has put in bebo was for my benefit, she was looking at mine so she probably presumed i was looking at hers. Like her friend left her a message one day after the had met him out saying "the ex's were sniffing around you again last night"..this was the same girl that was telling him to go and talk to her that night.

Bear in mind that we are all in our late 20's....
i used never mind him going out with his friends before when i was staying in...but now, cos i know that the club we go to is usually where she goes too. He went out last weekend without me and i couldnt sleep cos i was so worried that she was there and over talking to him...(she wasnt.)'

OS119

your post isn't overly clear on what part your boyfriend plays in all this and quite how much - and in what context - he has contact with her.

if he just tells her to fcuk off and ignores her, then its its just stalking/harrasment - go to the police.

if he's trying to manage the situation by talking to her and trying to get her to back off, then perhaps he's just misguided - if hasn't really twigged what she's upto then its quite possible he believes some of 'possesive girlfriend' stuff she's making out. in that case your relationship is in very deep **** anyway.

if he's doing the dirty on you, but either likes the attention of two lasses fighting over him, or just can't be arsed to be honest and dump you, then you probably aught to walk away.

the solution is simple and effective, if hard to do.

sit him down and explain about the things he may not know about, the bebo, the malicious gossip etc.. and suggest that if he's not in contact with her - apart from telling her to fcuk off - that you both go to the police to make a complaint. if he says that he is still in contact with her and is trying the diplomatic route to getting her to back off, demand that he ceases all contact with her and changes his phone number.

you do not, ordinarily, have a right to ask your boyfriend not to stay in contact with either his ex's or other female friends, but you do have an absolute right to demand that your boyfriend has no contact with someone who is harrasing you and that he supports your actions in stopping it.

if he refuses either of the two courses of action, or even disputes that what has occured is harrassment, then you very clearly have your answer.

i fear that you have your answer anyway, anyone who could not - or would not - have already noticed that the other girls actions towards you are deeply unfriendly, and had not immediately sided with you, is probably a dead loss anyway.

Wibbs

My honest opinion? Just sort this out and do it quick and it's not rocket science. People often over complicate things far too bloody much. Stop looking at her bebo, it's just making you freak and is achieving nothing. Get him to tell her to sod off, in the nicest, clearest way possible. He has to cut all contact with her and ignore any txts/emails/bebo bullshít. If he won't stick to that he's either still liking the attention or hasn't got the spine to stick to his guns. If this is an issue for him, tell him to grow a pair, he's not 12. Tell any mutual friends about this in a straightforward calm way and explain how you going to deal with this. Don't mention how stressed to the point of vomiting it's making you or you may come across of over reacting(especially among your male friends). You need to show a united front on this.

tbh

as far as I can see, she's doing all the running, and your boyfriend is knocking her back. Is that not good enough for you? You should be careful here, have you ever heard the expression "Give a dog a bad name?" in other words, if you are going to act like your boyfriend isn't acting as he should be, maybe he'll get pissed off and think "if I'm going to be blamed for something, I might as well do it".

leave it lie, is my advice.

spinandscribble

yets get a grip people its been 5 years!!!

it seems like your bf likes to twist the knife in her and fair enough, he could be saying worse. saying things like your getting married eventually ect ect.

you need to make it clear to him by doing this and keeping up this silly pretence of being "friends" is just plain stupid. it gives her ammo to throw at you and her and her friend remind me of children.

let it quietly leak from your inner circle how crazy she is. it wont be long before noone but her friend notices her little bebo games.

feck it, it should be your bf telling her where to feck off. im highly wary of the fact he's allowing her to act this way and publically slander you just so he can get a few smug remarks in at her expense. he clearly loves all this attention.

but something odd hits me. why would she say in a txt only he was meant to see that he still had feelings for her? seems fishy. maybe its all innocent and he said "aw i missed ya" in a friendly no nosense way. she could have been reading into things but if it was me and i saw this i would have demanded to see the sent file (then again i wouldnt have been reading his txts).

also if they hadnt had contact in years why is it suddenly he cant cut off from her???

you have to tell your bf

Anthony_1980

i'll sort it out

im hot ok

give me the ex's number i'll give her a good rodgering and leave her womans lips like a wizards sleeve

always ready to take one for the team

Beruthiel

You'll have no problem taking a ban for the team then.
B

K-9

Wibbs wrote:

That's the bit that stood out for me. He must be as dumb as a box of rocks if he doesn't see that. Either that or he's enjoying the attention in some way. Again dumb. Or there's more than meets the eye in this. Personally I'm getting the impression that we and the OP are not getting the whole of his side in this. The bit about him texting her and telling her about the OP's relationship would be one bit I'd want to explore.

Agreed. He did tell the ex that him and the gf may well get married. Not a bad thing to be saying about the relationship. Could well explain the stalking ex?

wibbs wrote:

Understandable, but still a bit thick. He could very easily tell his mates what's what and clear the air with them and still leave the ex out in the cold. Not exactly rocket science.

The gf has to insist on this now. If he doesn't do it, well?

wibbs wrote:

A tad extreme don't ya think?

If they cut off all contact and she gets worse, no. If she still can't get the hint it's an option.

thegirlfriend wrote:

He said re: talking about our relationship...that she said to him "ye seem to be getting on great, she's a lovely girl etc..i suppose you will marry her" and he replied with "thats the plan" (we have talked about it) and she replied with "holy ****"...

Giving your bf the benefit of the doubt for once, this could explain her pycho, stalking activities. She obviously wants him back and then he tells her this. In fairness, from his side, if that's all he said, it's not a bad thing to be saying!

thegirlfriend wrote:

My friend reckons that alot of what she has put in bebo was for my benefit, she was looking at mine so she probably presumed i was looking at hers. Like her friend left her a message one day after the had met him out saying "the ex's were sniffing around you again last night"..this was the same girl that was telling him to go and talk to her that night.

Agree with the friend. She and the friend are winding you up!

os119 wrote:

sit him down and explain about the things he may not know about, the bebo, the malicious gossip etc.. and suggest that if he's not in contact with her - apart from telling her to fcuk off - that you both go to the police to make a complaint. if he says that he is still in contact with her and is trying the diplomatic route to getting her to back off, demand that he ceases all contact with her and changes his phone number.

Tell him this girl is trying to split yous up. If he doesn't do this well?

wibbs wrote:

Just sort this out and do it quick and it's not rocket science. People often over complicate things far too bloody much. Stop looking at her bebo, it's just making you freak and is achieving nothing. Get him to tell her to sod off, in the nicest, clearest way possible. He has to cut all contact with her and ignore any txts/emails/bebo bullshít. If he won't stick to that he's either still liking the attention or hasn't got the spine to stick to his guns. If this is an issue for him, tell him to grow a pair, he's not 12. Tell any mutual friends about this in a straightforward calm way and explain how you going to deal with this. Don't mention how stressed to the point of vomiting it's making you or you may come across of over reacting(especially among your male friends). You need to show a united front on this.

Seems to be the way to go.

comongethappy

I defo think your bf was just trying to make her jealous - make her regret how she hurt him by showing her how happy he is with you now. While, okay, a bit immature, this behaviour would normally be fine... but the girl is stalking you.

Tell him while she's this adament of trying to come between you and more or less stalking, he should cut contact with her. Tell him that you would have no objection to her and him having contact if she just wanted to be mates and accepted you were with him. He needs to tell her he is in no circumstances interested in her, they don't have a future, and until she gets a hold of herself they can't be mates.

If she doesn't get this message, I would definetly consider him (and you if need be) changing mobile numbers, and perhaps you two getting a restraining order against her. Again, I agree with previous posters - you two need to show a united front, esp against lads, or you'll come off sounding the pyscho, which is exactly what his ex wants.

milkerman

Your bf has to deal with this one - openly. This nutter can only be stopped by his taking the opportunity to send her running publicly when she sidles up to him in company.
Something along the lines of ' Look we are finished, dont call me, text me or do anything with me ever again and dont you ever heap your f*cked up BS on my new gf again - now get lost.'
If he isnt able or willing you need to find a new bf, but this time I recommend one with testicles.

LegacyUser

ok, update....

She txted him about 3 weeks ago, saying she had some old photos of some family members if he wants them. he told me that she had said that to him about 3 yrs ago too but she never gave them to him. So he replied to her to send them on if she wants and then askes her "how are you anyway".....( i was well pissed off with this like!!!! - why would he want to know how she is??) anyway she replied saying she was fine, moved house etc..asked him was he going to a local wedding that was on the following week, He said he was and them he aske dher was she (fair enough, he said he asked her cos he knew i wanted to know if she would be ther eor not cos i had asked him and he didnt know) he also told her he bought a new car and he looks "hot" in it.... (that really pissed me off too...jesus like, is he thick or what?? - he said he only said that to make her jealous..) anyway i had seen all these messages cos he showed them to me...then he said she replied saying she wasnt going to the wedding...but that messages wasnt in his phone...i asked him where was it, and he said he must have deleted it...

suspicious?? i think so.