An overdue goodbye

angelicsaz

I guess maybe some of it was me not wanting to let you go. Not wanting to admit that maybe, it was all over.
My world fell apart, that day. For the next few months a constantly battled with myslef. But I have come to realise, Im fine without you.
I feel I've lived in your shadow for so long, I finally have to turn the lights on full and get rid of it.
I was scared, so scared of how you move on straight away and how I would be left behind, aimlessly wondering. You did of course, thats how you work, I mean I know better then anyone...............
I was scared of how I would feel seeing you with her. Not sharing the table. Not having anymore endless nights.
The day came when I was going to see you again... and I contenplated making up excuses. But then I relised, I wanted you to watch me as I slept, looking tiny in your giant bed, and realised how much you love me and wake me up and tell me how much you regret it. foolish right.
After that i turned over a new leaf, and I decided in my head and more so in my heart, that I was not going to be bitter, not going to hate you, not going to make this any worse then it had to be. I was not going to drink poison wishing you would die.
When it all became very grand and offically, the first thing that came into my head was 'good for him' I surprised myself... because I realised that I was happy for you. I was letting you go. I was holding my head up high and saying congratulations. someone wise once told me, 'If you love someone, you would feel anything just so their happiness is for sure' and although it should have killed me, I couldnt be bitter because you were happy.
I have always wished I could be like you,even before our romance came into effect, you loved, left, hurt, got hurt, without a second thought. Some people might find your behaviour slefish... but I kind of admired it.... you felt so much so easily.
But here I am, finally moving on... Im getting on brilliantly... Im going to college, have an amazing job, Im an amazing relationship and I have a future.... I couldnt have had any of these things with you. SO i guess it was a blessing in disguise.
Everyday I think about you less and less, but dont worry, I still am so so grateful, to everything you taught and showed me, I will always be. Without you, I dont know where Id be.
You taught me the most valuable life lesson in my opinion, 'to love and be loved'
You showed me I was capable to being loved, and more importantly I could let my barriers down and let someone else in.
I believe is that everything happens for a reason...
So here I am..... finally saying Goodbye....... and knowing in my heart. Im ok about it.