Problems with women

Novocaine

I seem to have a recurring problem whenever I start something off with a girl. The first date usually goes great and we have a good chat and we might have a bit of kissin and all , but by the time I meet up with her again I seem to have completely run out of interesting things to say to her and might end up being clingy, despite the fact that I always play it cool at the start. I'd like to know how to keep myself from coming off as a dull b*stard. I look at couples that have been going out for ages and I honestly havent got a clue how they do it.

Sometimes I just feel that I'm not built for a relationship. I like to think that I am a fairly attractive, funny, interesting guy but I just seem to keep on running out of ideas. I'm 22 and I'm just sick of blowin my chances. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Ta guys:)

Pinker

I know this sounds cliched, but try and just be yourself. Maybe don't try so hard to think of stuff to talk about, instead just talk about stuff that really interests you, or makes you laugh, if its the kind of girl that you like hopefully she'll have something of interest to say in return....(or else you could make up loads of lies:p ) It can be hard when your out in clubs or bars to actually meet girls with a lot to say that's of interest, but I guess when you do it's all the more enjoyable...Maybe for your next date go do something random like an activity say hillwalking or sailing?,you'd both enjoy it, there would be plenty to talk about and you certainly couldn't be called boring...

Out of interest is this issue only with girls? Can you maintain conversations or relationships with friends and family, if so I would't be overly concerned about it, it could be just the girls you've met lately, it happens :rolleyes: ....

karen3212

Hi, just wanted to say, remember your only 22, so you have plenty of time to practice with the ladies. I don't understand why you think women get bored with you? Am... in my case anyway, I wasn't looking for the most interesting guy in the world, basically I looked for someone like me, and well the physical attraction has to be there. Do you think maybe you are trying too hard, my only piece of advice is, relax and be yourself, maybe don't come on too strong as some women might think you are desperate.

Take care and remember 22,, plenty of time to meet someone

NutJob

Chicken and the egg problem.

I really had to work at this myself

The better you get to know them the easier it is to talk to them just put in allot of effort to find out about there hobbies,interests and what there doing at the moment .........

That way you always have a way to start a conversation even if its as simple as who killed who in eastenders its a start:D

As for being bored with you i doubt it unless your sitting there saying nothing at all. Everyone has nerves try to relax again it gets easier the better you know them.

SarahSassy

Dont beat yourself up, you are obviously good company if they want to see you again...

There is often more pressure on the second date so cinema, see a band etc could be a good option. You also dont need to spend 6 hours (for example) with them per date in the early dates. Anyone would have a problem chatting to someone new for hours at a time. Keep it short and sweet on the first few dates so you dont run out of topics and til you grow your confidence and get some experiences in common...

Dates are a bit like an interview whether we like it or not so prepare a bit....
What do you like to do? Go to bands, read, cinema? Keep yourself up to date with new albums, movies etc so you can talk about them. Ask about the girl herself. Show an interest in her and ask about her e.g. holidays, bands she has seen.... She should be able to talk about herself too - its not all up to you....

Bear in mind that maybe you havent just met someone right for you yet....

Novocaine

Thanks for your replies guys. As I said I usually get on great the first date. I usually find out most things about her anyway. I suppose I do think too much about it after that it because I know Ive asked her the questions I can think of possibly askin her. After that I just seem to run out of ideas dat's all. Going out on a date is one thing, it doesn't mean ****e if you've nothing good to say and that's why Im always prepared the first time round.

I guess the fact that I've blown it so many times before doesn't do netin for my confidence and that's why I've never managed to get past about three dates. Be it a misunderstanding or maybe trying too hard. Yeah I guess I dont do that as much now cos you learn from your mistakes, but when your langers, anything is possible!!:D

karen3212

Aah hie, what do you mean by langers? Do you mean merry or falling over. Falling over would put many women off. I like the suggestions above about the cinema or concert, there won't be so much pressure to talk.

SarahSassy

Are they refusing another date with you or are you just not asking them cos you feel they will say no???

As I said above, dont drag the night out, keep it short and sweet. Maybe a few drinks before the cinema but better to have a short but interesting date than dragging the arse out of it and running out of things to say...

Novocaine

Well drunk but I would'nt say I was falling ovr. I still managed to make an ass of myself with a girl I had been out with recently and I more or less blew it. I can be good drunk sometimes but other times I may not be. But hey all I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. Im gona try and keep it cool the whole way because I don't wanna fall at the nice guy hurdle. Don't get me wrong I love talking to women I just end up thinking too much about it and end up having nothing to say before anything gets serious.

Pinker

Yeah one or two drinks is best mate, cinema before drinks is good as you have a topic to discuss afterwards if its an interesting film, the IFI in temple bar shows some interesting movies, plus you won't be dashing out to the loo in the middle of it:)

I would be one for keeping the cinema until you know a girl fairly well, I just don't think it's a great date early on, as you want to get to know each other and sitting in silence in a movie theatre isn't the best way to do this, however in this situation it might be a good idea.

SarahSassy

Well the drink could have a lot to do with putting them off. Im in that position myself at the moment. Ive been out with someone a few times, who is cute, attractive and good fun - whats the catch??? Last 2 times by the end of the night he has been silly drunk.... Not obnoxious or annoying to anyone but just silly and its putting me off him. I enjoy going out for drinks and have been known to get drunk but its off putting at the early stages of a relationship.....We are meeting again but in my eyes this is his 'last chance'. I just dont need the hassle this early in a potential relationship....

All I am saying is that you should have your few drinks but dont get stupid about it.

Novocaine

No ive never been refused another date or am I not anxious that theyre gona say no. Its just the times when I meet up with them on saturday when they are out anyway after I have been out on a date with them another night. I just feel that Im gonna have to have sometin good to say or else theyll go off with someone else.

SarahSassy

Dont understand what you mean? So whats the problem?

Novocaine

I just get anxious that its all gonna end up badly cos it has before and have a hard time trying to stay easy going and postive when the past hasnt been particularly good to me. I don't wanna come across as some insecure cynic its just that before it hasnt gone the way I've hoped. I can sometimes think of the weirdest things to talk about off the top of my head and i end up lookin like a right eejit. But yeah the best experiences I've had r when I havent been completely locked

SarahSassy

Ah you have been burnt but then 99% of people have been too.... We are all scared of rejection and I have no magical cure.... Suppose you can give up and never take the chance of being hurt again or you can take a risk and ultimately find happiness....

I find if you dont focus too far ahead/ expect too much then its easier e.g. say to yourself 'I enjoyed myself tonight and would like to see her one more night but if not then its not the end of the world'..... Rather than focussing longer term and anticipating problems....

Am sure, the girls are equally as nervous as you. Try not to drink very much and dont put too much pressure on yourself.

AngryBadger

Novocaine wrote:

I look at couples that have been going out for ages and I honestly havent got a clue how they do it.

I think this is your problem. Classic view on relationships. A relationship isn't a puzzle or a mystery to be solved. There's no formula for perfection.

The mistake you're making is that you think there's a way to approach an emotional/lyrical exchange with a woman that will allow you to score some kind of "points" which can then be spent to allow the relationship to progress. Essentially you believe that you can make the relationship fit the woman.

The reality is that you need to approach a relationship with a clear head, not thinking "ohgodohgodohgod it's the second date how do I impress!?!?!?!?!?!".

If there's a mutual attraction you'll find that things flow easily, there won't be a need for a specific and engaging topic, or some rapier manouvre by you every time ye meet up.

Couples in long-term relationships don't engage in this kind of sparring because they're comfortable with each other.

Some people think you have to trick a person into spending time with you in order to find this comfort zone. I'm not one of them. I believe you should meet people, and if you get on with them, then meet them again, rinse and repeat.

You'll very quickly find that there are certain types of women/men/whatever that you gel with, and suddenly it's not so difficult to go on those second/third dates because you're going on dates with people you are genuinely attracted to. In time, 9and it does take a lot of time!) you'll find someone, (or maybes someones?!?!) that you're comfortable enough with that you want to make thigns a bit more long-term.

Novocaine

Thanks lads I guess I should just stop listening so much to David DeAngelo and those guys thinking that if I have to act in a certain way (Staying witty, cocky and funny opposed to being a wussy nice guy) I'll get somewhere. That's true to an extent though isn't it, that you should'nt be too nice and reliable because it shows signs of predictability and wussiness and whatever. If its meant to be than its meant to be I guess...

karen3212

Yeah, it does sound like you feel you need to be interesting, but most women have different interests, so being yourself is your best bet, as you will find someone who will like you - rather than the person you're trying to be.
I say be yourself, but you may need to watch the drinking.

As for the coming on strong, that generally doesn't happen unless you don't feel happy with yourself. I think you have to feel good about your life and yourself in order to be happy with someone else.

But I suppose the advice here depends on whether you want a long term relationship, or lots of women. Yes some young women like bad boys, but most women imo like men who are happy with themselves and their lives.

Goodluck

Talliesin

Novocaine wrote:

That's true to an extent though isn't it, that you should'nt be too nice and reliable because it shows signs of predictability and wussiness and whatever.

Being afraid of seeming a wuss sounds pretty wussy to me.

Pepe LeFrits

Go for dates with external stimuli; don't go to a restaurant, bar etc where you'll be 1 on 1 all night with nothing to talk about except for what you can think of at the time. I've done that before and I'd get on great with the girl at first, but after a while we'd start running of things to talk about. We'd leave the pub and start walking home and instantly all the stuff that was going on in the streets would have us chatting away and laughing again.

Taking them to salsa or swing dancing is one thing you could probably try. I haven't tried it myself (bringing a date that is, I've tried both), but I'd say it'd work pretty well. It's a laugh, you're chatting to lots of people but also to the person you're with, it gets your energy going and afterwards you can have a drink/dance with your date and have plenty to talk about.

Unless some sexy latino lover called Carlos swoops in and steals her away from you of course, then you're boned.

Mr. Incognito

oh my god you morons.

Try this approach. Shut the hell up and let HER talk. Ask her about HER interests, ask questions, elaborate.

You can't be on stage all the time.

JackKelly

haven't read the responses, but if you feel like you are stuck for words, it's as much (if not more) to do with her than with you. You shouldn't be the one always doing the talking. There's nothing worse than trying to talk to someone who has nothing to say or ask's no questions.

Knockoff Nige

SetantaL wrote:

oh my god you morons.

Try this approach. Shut the hell up and let HER talk. Ask her about HER interests, ask questions, elaborate.

You can't be on stage all the time.

'And thats enough about me, what about you? What do you think of me?'

Pyjamarama

I can empathise with your situation, I've gone on a few first dates that were great, conversation flowing, sparks flying (in a good way!) but on the second date been bored to tears, bored by him (and myself) as neither of us has anything to say to one another. And you know what the reason was - because these were not people I should go out with if after a few hours I've run out of things to talk about. When you meet someone right for you you'll be nattering away for hours on end but also be comfortable sitting together in silence. That's the beauty of meeting a person suited to you!

You seem to be giving yourself a hard time about not being entertaining enough for a second date. It works both ways you know, the girl should be able to make you laugh and talk about interesting things - there are two people in a couple and when you find the right person you'll find that being in a relationship is a lot less stressful than a first/second date! You say your confidence is knocked because you've blown it with girls in the past. Were these really women you would have wanted to go out with anyway? It seems doubtful if relationships in general seem like a great mystery. I never thought I'd be able for the commitment of a relationship til I met the right person.

Also the stuff about not falling into the nice guy trap is bull. Do you really want to go out with a woman who hasn't gotten over her bad boy phase? Be yourself because in a relationship the bravado won't last long, no point in trying to be someone you're not.

Novocaine

Do you really want to go out with a woman who hasn't gotten over her bad boy phase?

You mean that bad boy thing is just a phase? Okay now I've heard everything...:D

Talliesin

Nope, far from everything. Barely even the beginning.

Do stop listening to professional schoolboys like David DeAngelo.

Novocaine

Talliesin wrote:

Nope, far from everything. Barely even the beginning.

Do stop listening to professional schoolboys like David DeAngelo.

Ok Ill try. Wat else have you got for me?

Pyjamarama

Novocaine wrote:

You mean that bad boy thing is just a phase? Okay now I've heard everything...:D

Haha, well I've gotten over it! Going out with a selfish asshole who's going to treat me like crap - I'm over it!!! I think an important thing is confidence, that is what most people find attractive. Neediness is not attractive and I think that gets labelled as being a 'nice guy'. You can be a little bit cocky and confident but that doesn't mean you're an ass and you treat people badly. That would be my definition of a bad boy! Be yourself, be confident, treat women with a bit of respect, you should have no problem and if you do you just haven't met the right person for you!!

I guess some women go through the phase for longer than others!!