sick relative

pretty-in-pink

Hey, I'm not to sure wat exactly youd call my issue, but I need to just type.

MY grandads very sick, and in hospital. He keeps getting sciker in there, and they said unless things improve drastically hen its only gonna be weeks or months he has left. I don't hink he'll get out of hospital even. Hes so scared and annoyed in there, and hes to sick to come home.

He had a stroke and he has dementia now too,and hes not the grandad i knew all my life- the funny, clever guy who was able to mind me.

I just don't know how to cope with this,or how to reconcile my grandad now, and my grandad as I knew him. Its not fair, and i don't know how to make this hurt less. I jst want my grandad back.

anyone have any experience with this type of thing? im scared and sad and angry and i just want it all to be ok

challengemaster

hey.. no real experience with it, but it's ok to be scared and angry about it. someone very close to you is going through a very hard period for them, and as you said, possibly don't have that long left. so of course it's going to hurt because you love him.

my advice.. if you're nearly certain that he doesnt have too long left, then try to come to terms with it yourself (which will be the hardest part) then spend the rest of the time making him feel comfortable/happy while you can.. It's certainly not an easy thing for anyone to have to do, and I'm sorry you have to...

best wishes,

CM

pretty-in-pink

challengemaster wrote:

hey.. no real experience with it, but it's ok to be scared and angry about it. someone very close to you is going through a very hard period for them, and as you said, possibly don't have that long left. so of course it's going to hurt because you love him.

my advice.. if you're nearly certain that he doesnt have too long left, then try to come to terms with it yourself (which will be the hardest part) then spend the rest of the time making him feel comfortable/happy while you can.. It's certainly not an easy thing for anyone to have to do, and I'm sorry you have to...

best wishes,

CM

I cant even begin to know how to do that. I just want him to get better. he's never going to see me get married or have kids. Iv always him to be able to do that. now i don't even know if he'll be here at christmas.

thanks though. i just have no idea how to deal with this enough to accept it. and i don't want to burden my mum etc with my issues when they are facing this too.

bronte

Hiya pretty,

I went through a similar experience with my grandmother a few years ago.

She also suffered with dementia, and it was difficult when I would go in to visit her and she wouldn't recognize me.

I found it helped to read up on the illness and be informed on what to expect...that also helped me not take it personally when she failed to recognize me , or confused me for someone else.

It's a frustrating experience, but do spend time with your Grandad.

When mine was ill I used to go down to the hospital shop to buy him mint aeros which I knew he'd enjoy!

It's a fond memory to think of him enjoying them even now.

All the best, keep your chin up.

The Hill Billy

pretty-in-pink:

Sorry to hear about your Grandad. I went through something similar with my Nan (who lived with us) some years ago, but she was at home in her final days (which was worse in some ways & better in others).

All I'd say to you is to try not to treat him any differently despite his illness & dementia. Talk to him like you would have when he was in the full of his health. Try to have a laugh & a joke with him. Tell him that you love him.

Despite his dementia - you just never know when he may have a lucid moment & something that you say gets through.

Stay strong for him & your family. Keep in your mind the funny, healthy man he once was.

Take care...

challengemaster

pretty-in-pink wrote:

I cant even begin to know how to do that. I just want him to get better. he's never going to see me get married or have kids. Iv always him to be able to do that. now i don't even know if he'll be here at christmas.

thanks though. i just have no idea how to deal with this enough to accept it. and i don't want to burden my mum etc with my issues when they are facing this too.

well.. I think that in a way, you already have started.. I mean you're talking with us about it.. which is venting in a way.. right? talking about things is a good way to get over them.. you may not want to burden anyone, BUT, think of it this way. if you talk with your family about it, then you're all acting as a support for eachother. if not, you're bottling things up which will come out in other ways at other times. repressed anger, etc.. which can lead to very severe circumstances at times..

It's a tough thing to face.. like I said, I haven't got experience with this, but I can get some idea of what it's like..

The best thing you can do is talk to your family, and see what steps you think you should take from there.. It won't be an easy thing to get over quickly.. especially as you seem very close to him... so if you'd like to talk about anything, feel free to pm me. I'll be here most times, and even if I'm not, just typing, and getting it out can help.

Agent Smith

this time last year, I lost My Grandmother.
I was devestated. She was a huge Part of my life, she took me to Lourdes when i was two when i was Quite sick, and i'll never forget the "10pence" she'd Give anytime I saw her.

Years on, When I was about 10/11 she Devoloped Alzelminers. It was Crushing.
She used To spend a huge amount of time with us, And It was difficult, seeing your grandmother getting weaker and weaker, and Asking who you were, and Always mumbling on about tommy, my uncle who Died @ 5, with Downs Syndrome.

I have to echo challengemaster here. Its devestating, but the Best thing to Do is to come to terms with it now. Your mum's going to really nead the most support. she will be upset, of course, as will you and All your Family.

the best thing is To spend time together, and to Remember the Good times. remember, its always darkest before the Dawn

pretty-in-pink

thanks for the replys guys. he gets the odd burst of lucidity, where he knows who i am, and that I've moved to dublin.

will defo stock up on strawberry youghurts n banannas for him (he loves them). its so weird, cause I cant really understand him (stroke damage, and the hospital lost his top dentures)

Im still hoping they are wrong, and he'll be fine. cause how could he not be? ive never known him to be sick, not even when he had chemo. i just hope that even 1/4 of his strength is in me. cause il be great if so

Marksie

pretty-in-pink wrote:

I cant even begin to know how to do that. I just want him to get better. he's never going to see me get married or have kids. Iv always him to be able to do that. now i don't even know if he'll be here at christmas.

thanks though. i just have no idea how to deal with this enough to accept it. and i don't want to burden my mum etc with my issues when they are facing this too.

Hi pretty-in-pink. I lost my father in april after his long battle with illness (5 bouts of cancer and 7 strokes).

We essentially knew at christmas this was going to happen. It was dreadful to see how much he had wasted away and in the end his passing was a relief to everyone as there was the sense that he was ready to go and it was time and he had a life behind him.

I was in the situation where i was in Ireland and he was in the Uk, so i was inconstant touch supporting my mother and I went over when i could. The last time to say goodbye basically.
Allwe could do was visit him in hospital and be around through the last weeks... i would suggest you do tha whenever you can, for him and yourself. It may be hard, in fact it will be, but it will help you to cope and come to terms though you may not think so immediately.

It is easy to say acceptance but it is hard in practice. The reconciliation to the now and then was just realising that it is part of life at times and just remembering the "good times" for want of a better word.

It also helps to talk to your loved ones as well, not bottling it in again in sharing you will be supporting each other. I dont think your mum would see it as a burden to be honest.

The waiting is the hardest thing, trust me on this. When it happens there is the lifting of a weight to some extent and then the process fo grieving can begin.

In our families case we determined we would celebrate the man not the passing. E.g we played george formby both going in and out. Strange as it may seem the vicar commented that it was totally right that "when I'm cleaning windows" was a fitting tune.

We also talked about his life and the stories about him rather than dwelling on the end.

It helped us all to hear others recountinig tales. So I would advise that as a course, don't not talk about your grabdad, but relive your favourite memories.
It will be the best way you will honour him

all the best
mark

Deadevil129

I lost my own Grandfather in February this year so I can understand what you're going through. He was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and doctors advised against pushing chemotherapy as he wasn't physically strong enough to deal with it. He died within a month of his diagnosis and there were times during that month I wanted to grab some of the doctors by the scruff of those damn white coats and just tell them to make him better. The frustration alone was overwhelming that nothing could be done to treat him apart from make him as comfortable as possible. Looking back it was extremely comforting trying to make him as happy as possible over his last few days. That's all you can do.

The feelings of sadness come and go. I was in the middle of studying for my mock exams when he was dying so I tended to put all my feelings into a box untill I had the nessisary things out of the way. As a result I never came to terms with what was happening. All I want to do at the moment is tell him all the things I never said when he was alive, just the little things I knew he'd like to hear, who my friends are, that I'm going to college. Maybe you're grandad can't remember who you are sometimes but talk nontheless.

There's only so much advice people can give because this is going to be one of the harder things you go through. Surround yourself with understanding friends and family. After my Grandad died I would ring people up saying I didn't want to be by myself, then five minutes later telling them I wanted to be on my own. I wish you my best for the next couple of months.

dudara

That sounds so very like what happened to my grandmother.

We were great friends and I visited her just about every day as a child. I'd cycle to her house and drive later when I got a license. She had an obsession with funerals, and I used to drive her to all the functions and funerals so she could have a good natter with all her friends and relatives. She was always interested in me and how I was doing in college. All this time she was healthy, mobile and as smart as a penny.

Unfortunately she suffered a burn, spent time in hospital and came out much weaker. It also became apparent to us that she was beginning to suffer from dementia. We moved her in with us and over the course of a year she lost both her mobility and mind. I was in college at this stage and often only saw her at weekends and it was heart wrenching.

Eventually she was hospitalised and eventually passed away in a hospice after several months. I used to visit her, but there would never be a sign of recognition. I just used to sit there at night after lectures. It was enough to be with her, even if she didn't have the foggiest who I was.

She passed away about a month before I graduated from college for the first time. All I could think of on my graduation day was how she should be sitting there, smiling in the photos with me. She would have loved the day.

I missed her for so long, in fact I still do. She was a life force, a generous women who had the weirdest penchant for funerals. (The first page she used to read in the Examiner was the death notices).

At her funeral I realised that she would have loved to have been there herself. And that's how I think of her. Someone who loved being out and about. She would have hated being in that hospice if she still had her mind. So I remember all the good times I had with her, all the sweets, all the drives we took together (she was a back seat driver!). I'm so grateful for having a grandmother who was also a friend, and even though she's gone, I still try to do her proud.

pretty-in-pink

I know it sounds weird, but Im kind of glad I'm not the first person to feel like this. that other people felt it too, and they are doing fine now. its kinda nice, if such a word can be used. thanks for the support (and yeah, you can probably expect pms over the next few weeks)

bronte

I'm really glad to hear that , I know how difficult it can be.
honestly, talk to him like you normally would...I know that's what I'd want.

Pm me anytime if you need a chat xx